kjb,

In spite of what your husband says...I think there is absolutely no question that his relationship began before he left. He's about as fogged as they come and this kind of letter is not really very unusual. You are NOT ready to date and won't be for a long time. You should go straight to Plan B now...have no contact at all....except for the legalities that are necessary. That is the best way right now for you to "move forward" and demonstrate that you have. It also leaves the door open to your marriage....because what we know about the biochemistry of infatuation is that it peaks at 6 months and ends somewhere around 18 months which is why Dr. H advises folks to remain in Plan B until the fog naturally clears before completely closing the door on their marriages. He sounds pretty convincing...but then so does every other spouse in these circumstances.

Also....change your name on this board immediately....so that he cannot find you again.

And please...remember....that until you are divorced...you are married...so dating is just not cool.

Thanks guys...I do plan on keeping in touch with WH's family cuz I love them dearly. I actually plan on going out and visiting in the next couple months since I won't see them at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I just informed my family (extended too) of our situation...not sure if I did ok but here is what I said:

Greetings family,

Well, I never dreamed this day was possible. Some of you have been kept in the dark while others of you had heard the unfortunate news of S and I separating back in May. Despite being betrayed by S, I still do love him and wish that we could work things out but I have to accept the path he desires to take without me by his side. It is really hard for me to understand why this is all happening, but S will be starting the divorce process tonight and therefore, you will not witness us together during the holidays or for future family gatherings. I don’t think there would ever be a good time to share such heart wrenching news, but now that the road is paved for our futures together, I think it is appropriate for you all to be in the light. And I don’t want any of this to put a damper on the upbeat spirit of the holiday season. While I may hold a very distorted image of what love and marriage is supposed to be right now, I know that with time, my heart will heal and I will be able to move on with my life and be happy once again. I am very grateful to have the support of friends and family.

Love always,

K

SF-I do hear you but all I can accept right now is the wishes of my WH. He no longer desires to be my husband and there is nothing I can do to change his mind which is very unfortunate because he didn't allow US, our marriage a worthy chance...he just gave up because he was unhappy with himself. Believe me, I am not ready to subject my heart to another man right now. I need to be independent for awhile, focus on all that is good in my life. I don't give my heart out freely which is why I hadn't ever been in love prior to my WH. And I know that my WH was deeply in love with me when we met and married and still and always will have feelings for me. But he insists he is not in love with me which I guess why he has had no problem moving into new relationships and proceeding with this divorce. I will keep my distance for now although I would desire (as he wishes too) that we be at least friends in the future. Once the ball is rolling and all of this reality of ending our lives together sinks in, who knows how he will react. While I have been very supportive of opening up new chapters in our lives together, he has not and thus the storybook ends when our divorce becomes finalized 6 months from now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Kjb23,

Sorry to hear that the 'foggy one' thinks he is seeing life clearly. His own words are very classic. Straight out of the WS handbook. Gotta find that dumb handbook and put it out of circulation.

Mine said similar and now regrets every word of it. Now while it hurts, I'd like to tell you that all is not at the end. In my case, the OW helped the WS by gathering all the divorce info. Don't think that the OW in your case isn't doing the same. Either way, he is in bad company. Just wonder what other laws is she willing to break in order to get her selfish needs met. For that matter look how twisted he has become. If you are in CA, the law does not care who is at fault. Being a no fault state, assets are 50/50. Alimony payments come from the one who makes the most bucks. Sad but true. Medical coverage c/b part of the settlement. The children (childsupport) s/b covered. Financial responsibility s/b clearly outlined.

Know that most OWs want not just the WS but also the possessions of the BS and family. Not just your title (Mrs. _____ ) but everything. Knowing this hurtful piece of info can also empower you to protect what belongs to your family. Expect the WS to sell out his family if that promotes the A. Yea, sad but true. All the while claiming to NOT be selling the family out. A very good WS sales tactic but also a scam to rob the family.

Now I realize that the WS will probably read this and be fuming. So on that note, here is the following note to Mr. Kjb23.

Mr. Kjb23,

You are probably now monitoring this site to see the responses. Unlike yourself, the experience here surpasses the number of times you have been unfaithful. Given that knowledge, know that your claims to having a clear head in this matter of leaving your family (yes your W and children are a package deal) those claims are not falling on deaf ears. Instead they are being heard by those who have heard those same words from different names, faces and places. Oh yea..... you are not unique. For many of us, what you are putting your family through......we have been there done that. In fact, your next actions are very predictable.

Walking the A talk is not easy. You are already walking through like with a limp. Your path is crooked and will not be straightened out until you choose to do so. You are now dragging an OW or being led by her down a path where you will end up feeling like lower than dirt. That A fantasy is a smoke screen for diaster. But you may not be smart enough to see that. You will in time. Where your family will be when you finally wake up and see what you have chosen to lose.... only time will tell.

Your W and family have a greater chance for recovery than you do but the pain you are inflicting upon them is not necessary. Also, your bogus claims about finding the OW AFTER you left your M is hogwash. If you believe what you are babbling to your W, then maybe you and the OW are the only ones who buy that babble.

Get yourself some real help (not the OW kind) if you have any common sense left in you. At the very least, you will keep yourself from being fully engulfed in the mire and mess you are already in.

Know that these words are strong and because believe it or not, they are meant to help. If you can't see or appreciate, it then maybe someone else will.

Sincerely,
L.

ps: Kjb23, if you want me to remove my post, please let me know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he didn't allow US, our marriage a worthy chance...he just gave up because he was unhappy with himself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He didn't give your marriage a worthy chance because he was already emotionally involved with this woman. You see, in his fogged up compartmentalized brain...he thinks that because he never openly dated her for a few months that he can claim that she came "after". That's the story my dad is still telling...but nobody buys it.

I've seen tons of letters like this one....it's fog-spew. I hope they move into together...that'll wake him up much faster. When the biochemical brainfreeze wears off....well, he's going to be in for a real let down.

*waving to mr k*

So my dad encourages me to get an attorney...does anyone know what I should be expecting with respect to the divorce papers. Are there any red flags I should be looking for? I am confident that WH will stay true to his word with regards to things already being equally split, him paying for the divorce, and also keeping me under his insurance until the divorce is finalized but nevertheless, I have been encouraged to get a lawyer. I really don't want to have to pay for one but WH is seeking out a friend as a lawyer and I guess I need to make sure I have all my grounds covered....thoughts?

-K

Absolutely you get a lawyer. I know you feel this way now: I am confident that WH will stay true to his word , but I don't encourage you to continue feeling this way. Think back, to not long ago, when you thought your H would stay true to his other promises. You just never know what they will do in the fog.

Hang in there, girlie. Stick with us, and you will be just fine.

Spidey

Orchid...thanks for the legal info. It helps. We really don't have much in the term of property....we rent, have no children, and all of our furniture was given to us.

As for me, I run my own business but only have done so for the past 3 years and just got out of debt from my education last year so I don't think he'd do anything here. In fact, I already wrote him a nice 20k check in June (have this documented) to help him out when he moved into his bachelor pad (rent, new furniture, etc.). WH has been nothing but supportive of this quest and even stated as he left (with a quiver in his voice) that he'd always enjoy reading my articles and about things I am doing in the paper, that he'd always be proud of me and my efforts to build my business. I do trust him on this respect...there is no animosity that exists between us. As I said in my exit letter to him, I have no regrets because I truly cherish the past 5 years we have shared love and happiness together.

I honestly don't know about the OW...I asked him briefly about her but he wasn't too open to talking about it (not that I would expect him to be). Apparently, OW is younger than I am and also knows about me. I am a bit skeptical of this OW because in all honesty, I don't know of any woman (at least a decent one) who would subject themselves to a relationship to a man who is knowingly married and has not gone through divorce????

And when he mentioned dating her, he said that they had been together for a month. Well, I know that he met OW at the beach in late June so that means they have been together for closer to 4 months rather than the one he mentioned last night...see a discrepancy. He did say that hasn't spent that much time with her and that he was not in love with her. Yes, he hasn't spent any time with me these past 5 months and has said he is not "in love with me" either, but I do know he cares for me, I know there is still a spark between us, and this spark, this connection scares him to some extent. When I asked him about sex with OW, he said it was none of my business so my guess is that this youngen is at least physically satisfying him..how nice for him while I sit her in a dry spell these past 6 months!!! Sex is nothing...making love is real. He was able to make love with me and now he is just experiencing sex.

So I don't know what to believe from WH but I want to trust him. Talking to me on the phone yesterday was actually a big step seeing that he hasn't been communicating with me for 5 months. I do know he has an appt with his friend who is in family law. He is going to let me know how it goes.

If divorce is truly what WH believes will make him happy right now, I will grant him this wish because I love him and wish him the best in life. This whole situation just plain sucks though...I feel like our marriage is being thrown away for really no reason other than his own personal unhappiness with life and the decisions he has made this past year. However, if the two of us aren't meant to be, there are bigger and better things out there that I will be experiencing in the near future.

TGI almost F ( :

-K

Thanks for the words of advice/encouragement spider and star!!! I am going to a Halloween party on Saturday (got my sexy firefighter costume in the mail today) and the host is a lawyer so I'll ask to meet he for lunch so I can get some advice and a referral. I am a very trusting person but I guess I need to protect myself.

kjb23,

Do you want me to remove my post to Mr. kjb23?

L.

No you're fine...he said he won't be coming back although I cannot be sure. It think it is good for him to hear other perspectives.

Okie dokie....you know us vet MBers can really pack a reality punch after a while. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care, survival 4 U isn't an option. It's reality. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

{{{{{{{kjb}}}}}}}}}}
I just read your post. My WH sent me and email almost like your WH's. It's funny how they all seem to do and say the same things.
He says "you will be happy again". This is the one thing my WH said to me that I know is true. I will be happy again and actually probably much happier without him.....SO WILL YOU!
Hang in there girl! There have to be some good, honest men out there...I'm praying for that anyway.

I just read your post too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I feel just horrible for you. The letter he wrote is almost identical to what my H told me when he told me our marriage was over.
It's like they don't know how to be original or caring for that matter. They try to make it sound like "oh, you'll get over it" as if you were upset about ruining a good shirt.
I'm so sad for you. Keep your chin up, we'll find a way to have some fun when you get back to Naperville. My thoughts are with you...

{{{{{kjb}}}}}

Thanks Ivory/Tree...I am going out this weekend and having fun with friends...need to vent if you know what I mean. I bought a sexy firefighter costume from e-bay that I am excited to prance around in at the Halloween party I am attending on Sat night.

I wasn't expecting WH to call tonight but he did. He sat down with the Family Law specialist who is also his friend from college. She is going to serve as a mediator for us. He sounded very upbeat but for once, he was asking me how I was doing...knew I had an emotional night. But also wanted to see how my lungs were after my asthma attack and wanted to make sure that I had made an appt with a pulminologist. So last night he told me that he would always care for me but but for the first time since d-day, he actually showed me his caring side that I love and talked to me with a friendly tone of voice. The only difference is I stayed more reserved because I am NOT happy about what is about to go down. I guess he is just excited to get this divorce over so he can erase me from his mind and move on with his life without me. Tonight, several of my friend were trying to play match-maker...telling me of all the sexy, hot, athletic bachelors who'd love to take me out. I know I am not ready to be romantically involved yet as I still am in love with my WH who is divorcing me YET I am no longer opposed to socializing innocently with the potential to date other men anymore. I have a desire to share my love and life, to be married to someone who cherishes me, I have the desire to begin a family with someone who is equally excited to share this experience with me, I am excited to live the most enriching life possible and sharing all my triumphs and tribulations with a man who fully supports me. My WH no longer seems to want to be that person so I have to keep an open mind as to what else is out in this world for me.

Ivory...I am excited to meet you over the holidays....just booked my flight to Chicago. I will be in Naperville Dec 21-27th so let's definitely plan on meeting up sometime ( :

-K

Oh and about protection and the divorce I do not want. WH was very mature. He wants to use the family lawyer as a mediator so we can sit down as a trio and talk things over, express any concerns we have, have everything explained to us as a couple. This is a much nicer approach since we won't have to both fork over a junkload of money for lawyers and have a fighting battle. I found it interesting that he seemed to want me in the mix for this. Has anyone used a mediator before?

I think reality will set in when these divorce papers get processed and I am no longer calling him, e-mailing him, sending him care packages when he is sick, and basically being the caring wife/friend I have been these past 5 years. He knows that I love him, that I do NOT want a divorce, that I have no regrets about the wonderful 5 year relationship/marriage we engaged in together, and that I am always there for him as a friend when he needs one. It will be interesting to see how he acts towards me when the divorce papers are signed and I am no longer around...wonder how long it takes before he contacts me whether it be to talk or go out as friends. I really am saddened by this all. It will take me time to trust love, to really return to my once unscathed vision of what love and marriage is really about.

WH may or may not realize what is truly causing his unhappiness but he knows deep down inside that it has nothing to do with me and I'm afraid that he'll find out that real life, a life without me by his side, will not cure his unhappiness. It is all about the emotions, his insecurities that he has kept bottled up inside his body for some 31 years. I truly hopes he finds happiness as I do care for him as a person regardless of whether I am a wife or a friend in the future.

Anyone have thoughts on this? Why all of a sudden is he showing his caring side? Is he just that happy to be finally getting out of married life?

-K

Caring side? Maybe he's starting to feel some guilt. Surely fogman must have piles of it.

I know...I think it is funny that he is finally showing this side to me again. He really is a caring guy and has a very sensitive side to him...one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. He gave me the number of the mediator to call with any questions I have...not sure what I need to be asking? I actually met our mediator at WH's best man's wedding on our 1 year anniversary and just 3 months after WH had proposed to me. Ironically, this mediator was ecstatic about WH getting married and now she is the one who will be coordinating our parting. Perhaps I should ask her a few things????

-K

K:

Indeed, my heart goes out to you as well.

I do think it is wonderful that even your MIL is supportive of YOU during this time.
It of course won't make it all better....but it does Help.

I'm also encouraged that your H is at least using a Mediator and NOT making this any more contentious then it has to be.

It is much less Stressful, as well as being MUCH Less Expensive (then a court battle with Lawyers).

So although it's still the Worst time in your life.....I'm happy to read that its Not as Bad as it could be.
Your in my thoughts today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Take care

Thanks TR...do you think there are any questions that I should be asking????

Last night was a weird night of dreams...I found my mind playing tricks as to the men playing a role in my dreams...started thinking back to the man I was in my first long term relationship with, random men with the qualities I generally I am attracted to, and of course the WH that I still deeply am in love with despite this whole mess I think is one big mistake. I guess I just long for someone to be depositing into my love bank, much like WH has the past 5 years of my life. I have missed the goods of married life immensely this past year and I really would like to return to this place in life. I know my heart is not ready to dive into a new relationship nor do I think it is smart but I can't help but to reminisce about life with a caring man by my side.

-K

So WH's b-day is on Saturday and I know with Plan B, I am supposed to avoid all contact but it is hard to fathom completely ignoring the day so when I drop off his stuff this weekend, this card will be enclosed....

Dear S,

When I married you, I vowed to make you happy for a lifetime. While I am saddened that our marriage together no longer provides you with the same euphoric happiness that we both felt on our wedding day and I still feel, I want to stay true to my word, my vow to you and if that entails you leaving our marriage to seek out personal happiness then I wish you only the best in your 31st year and beyond. Again, I have no regrets about our wonderful 5 year adventure together…it has provided many of my best lifetime memories. I have grown a lot as a person, a lover, a friend, an athlete, & a business woman over these past 5 years thanks to you and various life happenings. And these past 6 months have allowed me to reflect and practice skills that will help me become a better wife in the future. May your future also bring the same peace and personal happiness I have experienced in my life and especially the past 5 years with you by my side.

Love always & forever,

K

Happy 31st Birthday


What do you guys think?