A marriage I mean. Undoubtedly, I'm in love with my wife. Otherwise I wouldn't hurt so bad.
But, the hell I'm living. The hell that won't go away.
Is another person really worth this, even if I love her with all my heart and soul?
At first I no doubts. But, I read what each of you have to deal with on a daily basis, past, present, and future.
It's like being visited by the ghost of affairs past, present, future.
(hmmm maybe that is a key)????

I'm serious. I'm putting myself through hell, ALONE right now. And for what? A chance to be second best. Or the second choice.

I'm being set up, lied to, and primed to be hurt again.
I read the most disturbing stat yesterday....
about depression (which I'm now offically suffering from)
If you suffer from it once...you have a 50% chance of a second episode.
If you suffer a second time a third occurance is about 75% likely. After that...it's pretty much 90% certian that you will have subsequent episodes.
I've never felt like this in my life....why should I allow myself to put in this situation again. For what?

I don't know what I really have to look forward too.
I'm so tired. So hurt I can't see straight. Sick of being lied to daily. This isn't fog any longer...I've waited for that to clear... waited for her to end it...she won't.
I'm underwater, I'm drowning.

I would rather lick my wounds alone, than have salt poured on them daily. I really have to give up before I loose every shred of sanity. I've long lost all my self-respect. I don't feel like I have anything left. Certianly nothing left to give.

I'm made to feel like a masochist. Yet I hate the feeling.
I don't know how all you surviovrs have made it. I wish I had that strength.

I don't know about your religious beliefs but I got the greatest comfort from Psalms. My calendar for this month says:

...weeping may remain for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

I used to feel the same way you do but came to realize that my doubts were caused by the depression that was overtaking me.

Your depression is talking to you and telling you to give up. I found taking antidepressants helpful. This is a traumatic experience for us, life-changing, devastating. Ask your medical doctor to help you out with this.

Is it worth it? Yes. If it doesn't work out, at least in the end you will know that you did all that you can possibly do to save your marriage.

Surviving does take hard work. You have to get yourself geared up and prepared for the battle.

Naples,

People have reasons to try to salvage their M. It may be b/c of children, security, or they are not ready yet.

You want out you have to earn it. You have to give your best shot so that you have no regret. You could say I did my best, my best weren't good enough for her but I know someone would be gladly value and cherish it.

If she is in A ... by all mean do plan A. It is not a doormat, it is an attempt to separate WW from A and OM. You are hurting, let her know w/o Angry outburst .. w/o LB'ng. Learn more about MB and get counseling w/ Jennifer or Cerri if you could afford it.

Have you address the issues that you brought into this M ? if you don't you will bring your issues to your next M or R. Have you expose her A ?. What do you know about OM ?.

Focus on something that you could do rather than obssesing about the situation. Have a plan !.

-rh-