It has been 3 months now since D-Day. My WW and I are kinda in a holding pattern right now. We are discovering more problems with our marriage. We did the EN survey about 2 months ago and it seemed to help us understand each other a little better. My WW started to try to look her best more for me more often, knowing now that that was important to me. But now things have kinda slid backwards. She seems to be in a funk. I know it takes a long time for WW's to forgive themselves but nothing seems to be improving.

She is still not agreeable to seeing a counselor yet. I had to end it with a pastor that I had been seeing by myself in the hopes of her joining me, because she had met him before. She said that she would not see anybody that she had ever met since she would feel like she had let them down. The 4 sessions that I went to did help me some, but I feel like I am the only one trying to work on our marriage. I am going to try with someone else, but I'm worried that she will find something wrong with any person that I see, just to avoid going to counseling. To avoid dealing with what she did. It seems like she is trying to repress it.

I am trying to meet her EN but she is not putting forth much effort to meet mine. When we do have sex, it's very unemotional and empty. We have it maybe once every 2 weeks and she says that at first she is turned on. But after it starts, she just isn't into it and wants me to hurry up and finish. She hasn't gotten anything from it in quite a while. She says she can't. I feel so distant from her right now. She keeps telling me to just be patient and give her more time to figure things out for herself.

I understand that to an extent but I fear that the longer we let our problems fester without getting any help in recovery, the worse that things will get. I want to stop the bleeding from the wound of her affair, but she is not willing yet. It's like we are living together and we are friends, but that is it. We don't connect romantically at all.

One thing that I am confused about especially is our D-Day. After she told me about our affair and we talked about it for a few hours, I was feeling this wave of passion for her. Perhaps it was a longing to reconnect with her and prove my love for her in that moment. She felt the same and we ended up having one of the most wonderful intimate moments together that we have ever had. Maybe it was just makeup sex. I don't know. But since then, it has been awkward and not fulfilling, especially for her. She says that it is not me but I worry, of course, with my fragile male ego. I wonder if we could just start getting some counseling to help recover from the affair, if things wouldn't really start improving. I imagine that the her huge guilt and feelings of worthlessness are a big part of the problem. How long will she continue to beat her self up? Am I getting too impatient.

Please help.....anybody else have similar experiences and feelings during the early stages of recovery?

I wish I had an answer to your question, however I am 10+ months into recover and 18+ months past d-day, and I have the same complaint. I too love my H very much. I know he is torn with what he did to the family, and even more torn over his feelings, or lack of feelings towards me. I strongly believe that he is here only for the kids, I am just hopeing that him and I can restore and excell what we once had. I am also growing inpatient and scared.
1. that he will leave me again
2. that he will never love me again
3. that I feel jnimportant and unloved and that is hard to stomach day in and day out.

Sorry no help here, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Best wishes

KMEJ-

Glad to know that I'm not alone. Sorry that it is you. I just don't know what to do here. I can't stand not doing anything while we keep drifting further and further apart. My WW resents my keeping checked up on her (cell, emails, etc.) but I just need to be able to trust her again and it would only be temporary if she would just stop either fighting it (erasing her sent messages folder) or making hateful comments about how "psycho" I am. I would do the same for her without questiion if I was trying to regain her trust.

Here is a link to a post on trust - it may help.

Takola on trust

You won't really have trust for her until she earns it, and it sounds like she doesn't want to do that.

SS

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

any improvement? do you have an update?

Not much. We've had a really busy week with school and work so we haven't had much time together. She does seem to be making a little more effort to give me affection by hugging, touching and little peck kisses and I am trying to do the same to her. That is her number one emotional need. So I try to remind myself to do that. Maybe continuing that will get her to soften up and start having more motivation to actually work on our marriage.

I guess that I'm kinda "plan A-ing" right now. Trying it again. I almost moved to plan B a few weeks ago, but I backed down. My counselor and I both agreed that once she moves out. There is very little chance of a recovery because of personality and situation. I'll guess that I'll just keep trying to meet her EN for another 3 months or so. That will make it 6 since D-day. If I see no improvement then I might just have to bite the bullet and face the reality of the next step. I can't save our marriage by myself.

None of us can fix the problem on our own. I apploud you and your strength. It takes a lot to do what you are doing. It is a hard road, with very few rewards, usually followed by a hard slam to the ground. I am sure you know what I am talking about.

How do you feel about the situation. How are you doing?

I'm just trying to take one day at a time. Trying to find something positive. And trying to keep loving her and meeting her needs. Praying and hoping that she'll come around. Sometimes I get really down, especially while riding in my truck by myself. But I do my best to bottle it back up before I get home to her. She hates me "playing the victim" as she calls it. So I try not to show if I'm down. I try to keep talking and have a few laughs with her now and then. Our friendship is still strong and I guess I just have to lean on that for now. I just want MORE, you know? I deserve more than that. I'll keep waiting and "plan A-ing".

SCDazed--she hates you "playing the victim?" Geez! But, I have some advice. If that is the game she is playing--look at Michelle Weiner-Davis' Divorce Remedy. She talks about a 180 change. Do other than you usually do--if you show her sadness, NEVER do so--behave happily and do things for yourself. There is a post about 180's floating around--look it up!

180's ? Could you give more info plz. And what is this about Michelle Weiner's Divorce Remedy?

Your wife does not want you PLAYING the victim? You are NOT playing, you are the victim of her bad choices. You had your heart cut out with a dull spoon, stomped on, spit on, and left to mend it on your own. Wow your wife is in some massive withdrawl!!!! Why is it the ones that stray expect sympothy for their feelings of withdrawl from their spouse when that is what caused all the pain to begin with. puh-leeese!!!

Do the 180, pretend if you must to be going on with your life, and try to find some inner peace. You sound like such a wonderful person that she is beyond lucky to have. Hang in there, and know we are here for you.

I am trying to find some inner peace. WW is reading a book that I got her called, "Reclaiming Your Sexual Desire". She is keeping to our agreements for regaining my trust. She has only lied to me a few times that I know of. About where she was. We had a night of intimate passion last night like we haven't had in a long time so that is encouraging. Maybe the book is helping some.

I am going to see my second counselor this week. I had to break it off with the first because my WW refused to talk to somebody that she had ever met. She had met him a few times in restaurant that she used to work at. So I'm back to square one on that one. I am tring to get into an exercise routine to help me relieve stress and feel better about self. I'll just continue to try to be happy and hope that she comes around. Maybe by Christmas she really be ready and willing to put forth some real effort in working on our marriage and dealing with recovery from her affair. I hope so. I don't know how long I can go on autopilot and function normally.

it is amazing how much we can do on auto-pilot. Just do not lose yourself, do not turn into a doormat. It is easy to get sucked into being on auto-pilot that you forget what happiness really is and you are ok with status-quo.

I am happy for your night of intimacy. I miss that. It is important to feel the closeness. I know my H is trying, he just does not have it in him. I do not think he really loves me, I feel he is going through the emotions to be at home, I just do not think he wants to be there. He had the A, I hear that is typical, but still not easy to be rejected while they see OP then to be rejected again during the "recovery".

KMEJ-

I hope things turn around for you. I hope that you don't forget who you are and what makes you happy.

My WW is on Fall Break today and she said that she wanted to go shopping. She has been carrying on a "friendship" with this guy from school that I don't approve of. She says that they are just friends, but I am worried. She has lied to me about where she was concerning him before. I just checked her IM login and he has been inactive for about 5 and a half hours....exactly how long it has been since I last talked to her. She has mentioned wanting to go shopping with him before. I told her that I didn't approve of her spending time with him outside of school.

I am worried that she justifies spending time with him cause she feels that it is harmless. And since she gave me the kind of love that I was needing last night. I haven't heard from her all day and she said that she would call. I don't know how to confirm my worries without starting a fight. I just hope that she owns up to it if she is with him like I suspect. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing, but it makes sense. They are closer than I'm comfortable with. And I'm worried that she may not be able to fight the temptation to cheat again. I believe that we have to affair-proof our marriage by not forming close relationships with members of the opposite sex. She thinks that it's silly and doesn't agree. I would feel a lot better about this guy if I got to meet him and got to know him and he got to know me. I didn't know the OM and if I had, I don't think that he would have done what he did. I beleive having a "secret" friend that your spouse doesn't know makes it really easy to succumb to EA's and even possible PA's that are damaging to the marriage.

Am I over worrying here?

SC,

Why does she keep erasing her sent messages file??
She should not be doing that...for your sake!
Not a good sign.

In "His Needs, Her Needs" there is a section on privacy. Like..there should be none! Should be totally transparent. Why should there be privacy if there is nothing to hide and keep private??

k

No your not over worrying. If your gut tells you something, go with it.

k

she says that she feels threatened....that she doesn't like me being able to read all of her email...

Since I confronted her on it. She has not erased any more sent messages. I check it often and I will know if she erases any more.

Oh btw, she also wants to go on this class trip during spring break for her major to Netherlands. She is in a male dominated major so she would likely be the only girl on the trip. I told her that I did not feel comfortable with this yet and I didn't know if I ever would....not this soon.

I then became even more adament in my mind that I didn't want her to go when I discovered by reading her email, that the information about this trip came from her "friend" that she keeps secret from me. The same one that I suspect that she is shopping with today.

SC, just my opinion here. First off, it will take some time for your W to reconnect with you. She did replace you with someone else, so needs to get over those feelings(I know, that sucks) and find her feelings for you.

I think your W is being extremely insensitive to your feelings. It's only been 3 months since d-day. It's important to understand how the A happened so your M can be protected. She should not be hanging out with someone of the opposite sex if it is making you feel uncomfortable. Especially because she doesn't appear to be doing any recovery work individually or with you.

I would suggest getting clear about what you might want and need to begin recovering. You will be the one carrying the load while she is defogging and going through withdrawal, if she still is. However, she can be respectful and honest with you in the meantime. CV

CV-

Thanks for your insight. You are right on. I just don't know what to do. I want to start working on recovery but my wife keeps saying that she "needs more time". That she is not ready to deal with it yet. I fear that the longer we wait, the harder it will be. Also the more our current relationship (the feelings we have now) will suffer. I am treading water here, trying not to drown. I think she is trying to block it all out. The first christian counselor that I talked to told me that "evil hates the light"...that she was afraid to really work on recovery because she didn't want to truly face herself. I know that he is right. But I think more time will only make it harder for her to face. He used the analogy that she was like speeding away in a high speed car chase, running from herself. He tries to show me ways to slow her down. To give her tough love. To put out some of those tire slasher things to try to slow her down. Hasn't worked much yet. She keeps speeding away.