Ok now that WH is out of house, trying to figure out who he wants, I am confused as to whether I should still be plan Aing him and receiving his phone calls (I do not call him!) or should I totally go dark and stop all contact with him? I have read where others still Plan A there spouse and keep in touch when they are not living at home. Isnt it just as easy for them to have both worlds when they can still have contact with both women?? WH is calling me, sometimes crying saying he loves me (I hang up) and at weird times like last night at 11:00 pm. to ask how my day was and wants to keep me on the phone for small talk, sounds down though. Do I take his calls or not?

Stop hanging up on him - as long as you're in Plan A. But Plan B may be in order.

What have you accomplished in your Plan A? Hint: this may be a trick question to you.

Sabot,

Staying in Plan A or moving to B is dependent on certain factors:

How long have you been in Plan A?

Have you completed all the parts of Plan A?

Are you satisfied with your ability to stop LBing?

Who knows about the A?

Are you in danger of losing all your love for your spouse or are you planning to file for divorce?

Thanks Worth and starfish,

I have been in plan A for 1 year this month and he has been fence sitting, talking to her, telling her he loves her and went to see her for a weekend fling last weekend, said he needed to see if she was just a fantasy!!!! He has been threatening to leave for about 3 mths now, seems everytime he feels mushy about her! So when he said he needed to go see her last weekend I told him he would need to take his things with him, but did so in a calm, loving manner. Didnt hear from him all weekend, then on way back he texts me to say I Love you very much!! Now he just calls whenever he wants to just to chit chat! Should I continue to talk to him when he calls or go dark????? Which one will make a true difference to him while he is making up his mind? I did ask him if he got his delima solved and he said "I THINK so, I missed you!!! What do I do now????

But what did you accomplish in your Plan A?

What did you identify that you contributed to the poor marital state that made the affair possible?

What ENs of your H were you not meeting?

What improvements have you made in yourself and how have you demonstrated these improvements to your H?

Don't misunderstand this. You are not to blame for the decision to have the affair, but you cannot end it - only the affairees can. But you very likely contributed to the conditions that made the affair possible and this is all you can change in Plan A.

WAT

Sabot chere....staying in Plan A for a year is far too long...and I really need to know the answers to those other questions to give you good advice.

IF:

You have controlled your LBs very well.
You have exposed the affair in a responsible and loving manner.
You have confronted your partner with your feelings.
Respectfully requested he end the affair.
Filled the needs he allowed you to fill.
And showed the marriage as an attractive alternative.

THEN:

It's time for Plan B.

I did a super job of making sure that marriage with me would be an attractive alternative, as previously stated, before going to PLAN B which was really very hard for me.

However, in the long run, PLAN B, was the answer. My PLAN A was strong, though. I made sure to work on the needs that were not being addressed.

I learned that I was enabling his A by remaining in PLAN A. He felt that I would always be around waiting and when he felt guilty (not a good word) about being with her talking to me allowed him to feel better about what he was doing. I was like an insurance policy.

The key was for my FWH to think that I was really not going to be sitting around waiting for him even though I really was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope this helps.

Thanks everyone for the help, I really need it now! Yes, Yes, and Yes, I have done all the above. Heck, the night before he left, we both cried in each others arms and he held me all night!

Mimi, noone will answer my direct question! Maybe you can, How should I respond to him now??? Do I continue to let him feel I am in the wings waiting or should I stop his contact with me and the small talk??? This is my question, whatever works to stop his wishyness!!! One day he misses me, the next he is calling her!!!! PITIFUL!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sabot:
<strong>Mimi, noone will answer my direct question! Maybe you can, How should I respond to him now??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We aren't answering your direct question because we don't know enough yet to provide an answer.

One more time: What did YOU accomplish in your Plan A????

We have to know this before we can advise you to go to Plan B.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sabot:
<strong>Mimi, noone will answer my direct question! Maybe you can, How should I respond to him now??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We aren't answering your direct question because we don't know enough yet to provide an answer.

One more time: What did YOU accomplish in your Plan A????

We have to know this before we can advise you to go to Plan B.

WAT

For example:

I specifically worked on his need for admiration, my physical attractiveness, sexuality, his home as a sanctuary,etc. I purposefully blew his mind with these changes! Regardless of how hard he tried to get me back to my old self, I never strayed from my PLAN A changes. Now I'm doing PLAN A FOR LIFE. I continue to be the wife I became during that time. Really they were changes that I needed to make for myself.

In the meanwhile, the OW did not have a PLAN. So, when he was with her fulltime, she LBed and was over there thinking about the wonderful woman I was and still am in my PLAN A.

WAT is correct. Tell us about your PLAN A.

What is Your PLAN?

Wats and Mimi, thanks again for your input. I guess I just asumed that since I posted my story already that you would know this already. I was doing "my thing" and he felt like I didnt care if he was around! My plan A was to stop doing "my thing" and totally focus on him! He would not do the EN questionare, but I am a very spirited woman and I turned up the gusto on Admiration, Sex, doing everything with him only! He even stated that I had changed and that was why he was still in our marriage. Please read my story, it is too involved to rewrite. I have tried everything I can to save this R. He also has a history of Infidelity that I wasnt aware of until now. I didnt think that it meant anything to our marriage because it was years ago, but there is a pattern and even he said this! I guess I dont know why you keep asking me about Plan A when to me thats what Ive done for a year now and he continued to want her and me. Says hes weak! Now hes at his dads and I still dont see any change in his behavior, calls me when he wants and still wants to do things for me like hes being mr. nice guy! I dont want to small talk with him, I feel like I am also his "insurance" and will hold his hand because he feels "sad" and doesnt know what to do, yada, yada, yada, BS!!!! Help me guys!!!

Sabot,

I understand you've done alot to save your marriage....but have you exposed the affair? Assuming you have....then YES, you should go to Plan B.

Yes Starfish I have exposed to everyone I know. She is out of state and divorced so I dont know who to expose to on her side. I do have a search record that gives me her mothers address and have typed a letter to her but have not mailed it! I have told all his family, preacher, my family! Is plan B supposed to be with NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER????

Yes Starfish I have exposed to everyone I know. She is out of state and divorced so I dont know who to expose to on her side. I do have a search record that gives me her mothers address and have typed a letter to her but have not mailed it! I have told all his family, preacher, my family! Is plan B supposed to be with NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER????

Yes Starfish I have exposed to everyone I know. She is out of state and divorced so I dont know who to expose to on her side. I do have a search record that gives me her mothers address and have typed a letter to her but have not mailed it! I have told all his family, preacher, my family! Is plan B supposed to be with NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER????

Yes Starfish I have exposed to everyone I know. She is out of state and divorced so I dont know who to expose to on her side. I do have a search record that gives me her mothers address and have typed a letter to her but have not mailed it! I have told all his family, preacher, my family! Is plan B supposed to be with NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER????

Sounds like Plan B time.

When you've accomplished everything you can in Plan A to eliminate his "reasons" for the affair, you've demonstrated your improvements to him, exposure has been accomplished, and he's no longer under the same roof >> Plan B.

And yes, Plan B means NO CONTACT - unless minor children are involved.

So, write up the Plan B letter, post it here for review, and get ready for some relief.

WAT

Mimi, tell me about your Plan B! Please
Wats, is he calling me sounding down because when he talks to me it is reassurance for him and thats why I need to not talk to him?

Probably.

You're his safety outlet - you've likely done a good job giving him reassurance that you'll be there for him. Result - a good setup for Plan B.

As you prepare for Plan B, keep up the pristine Plan A. Talk to him, fill any ENs he lets you, and most important - DO NOT LB!!

WAT