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Hi Sad,
Just wondering how you were doing this morning...
I understand your reasoning for not wanting to go into "details" with your H, I just thought that it would be good to let him help you when you're feeling down...
Hope you're doing better today!
Semper Fi,
RIF90
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RIF- thank you for asking. You are so kind-and I really mean that.
I'm *ok*. I've pulled back from the cliff a bit...but still can hear the white water crashing below. This is scary for me, b/c I NEVER ever want to go *where* I was when I was in the grip of anxiety/depression several years ago. I definitely DO need my H to support me. I'm hoping we have some down time this weekend when I can just ask him to put his arms around me.
At the risk of having everyone here think that I am truly mentally ill, I am going to post here 2 poems I wrote the last time I was dangling on the edge. Not sure why I feel the need..but feel free to NOT read them- I know I don't write that well- but it is a release for me.
DEMONS
Over and over and over
I hear the voices whispering
Replaying my fears on an unending loop
As I spiral downward
Faster and faster
Into that deep black pit....
My tears do not make it stop...
I get no rest from my angst
As I flail aginst the darkness
And the chains that keep me captive
My stomach churns and
Tears pour down my face....
Surely there is more to life
Surely there is a better place
Surely I will get better..
Please…
Please…...
THE EDGE
I hang on the edge
Pressed against the sharp rock
Fingers desperately scrabbling
In the dirt
Trying to find
Firm ground.
My arms ache
With the weariness of
Trying to hold on
Trying to continue
Trying to pull myself
Out of this hole
This hell
My heart races
My mouth opens
In a soundless scream
The earth crumbles
Beneath my hands
Clods of dirt
Fall past me
Downward
Into that bottomless pit
That pit
Where there is no life
No hope
I feel my grasp loosen
I cannot hold on
Nothing is stable
Nothing is secure.
My strength gives out
I cannot continue.
My arms are too weary
To support my weight.
I loosen one hand
And then another
And fall backward
Downward
Into the everlasting night.
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Me too, chick. I hope U doing better too.
In fact I hope you're doing absolutely 'kin GREAT !
{{{{sadfWW)))
RIF u rock too mate. Totally.
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Glad to hear that you're doing better today...
I found some of my W's journals soon after she confessed everything... They covered several years prior, and being the snooping BH that I was, I read through them to see if I might find out any information about any of her A's.
What shocked me the most was the fact that there was nothing in her journals about the OM... It was all very similar to your two poems... It literally broke my heart to read her pain...
For me, reading her journals and "seeing" the torment and pain that SHE was in, really helped temper my anger and pain from her betrayals...
Hope you have a great day today!
Semper Fi,
RIF90
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RIF- Bob- thank you for your thoughts.
RIF- I'm wondering whether it would help my H if I shared my poems with him? I don't know- maybe it would cause more problems then help...what do you think?
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SADWW--Your poems are so deep and desesperate! You are in such turmoil. When did you write them? Shortly after the affair ended or are they recent?
When did your parents get divorced? Are you comparing yourself to your father? Your pain comes not only from your affairs, but from other things too.
Do you talk a lot with your husband? Are you two very close now? I am sure he adores you and he has completely forgiven you. But when are YOU going to forgive yourself?
Take Care!
Myrta
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Hi Sad,
Well, I really don't know... You know your H best.
Your poems are very well written, and the convey your pain and anguish very well...
If you left them out for your H to "find" do you think he'd ask you about them?... That way, if he asks you about them, you could say that you wrote these prior to telling him about the A because of all of the turmoil in your life...
If your H wants to talk, be sure to tell him that you love him, and that you are committed to him and the M... I don't know if these poems will have the same effect that my W's journals did, but I suspect that once he realizes the depth of your pain and hurt, that perhaps it will help him understand that you BOTH are hurting...
Let us know how it turns out!
Semper Fi,
RIF90
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RIF- I actually wrote those poems after Dday...
Looking back at it now, my world was in serious chaos from 1995-2002. It calmed down a bit last year, and has been better this year but still with emotional emptiness btwn H and me. I think that it is BECAUSE I had the year of calm that I am now (finally) able to address the serious issues in my marriage that need to be addressed. Thanks so much for your continued input and thoughts.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta: <strong> SADWW--Your poems are so deep and desesperate! You are in such turmoil. When did you write them? Shortly after the affair ended or are they recent?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More recently- 2000 I think. I have bunches from various years unfortunately. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta: <strong> When did your parents get divorced? Are you comparing yourself to your father? Your pain comes not only from your affairs, but from other things too.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My parents divorced in 1996- separated in 1995 (I think- getting hazy on exact years.) No- I definitely don't think I'm like my Dad...but witnessing the ending of my parents marriage was extremely painful as my father tried to turn us against our mother- and used us as his crutch. Not a happy situation. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta: <strong> Do you talk a lot with your husband? Are you two very close now? I am sure he adores you and he has completely forgiven you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought about this for awhle Myrta. We talk a lot- yes, but mostly about plans/kids etc. Politics, friends on occasion etc also are subjects of conversation, but we rarely if ever talk about what we are feeling emotionally. I quite honestly am NOT sure that he adores me - or that he has completely forgiven me. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta: <strong> But when are YOU going to forgive yourself? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know, Myrta. Sometimes I think I have...but weeks like this when I am tossed back into chaos internally, I realize that I still have not done that. Maybe I need to go back into therapy...not sure. Thank you for your thoughts. <small>[ October 29, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Sadfww ]</small>
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SadWW- I feel so sad for the pain that you are going thru. SadWW, you need to talk to your husband. I think the problem is right there, the fact that you haven't talked to each other about what happened. You dont know how he feels, what he thinks. You need to know that. I used to complain that my husband wanted to know too much, but It would be worst if he didn't!!! This is too important, it needs to be discussed. You had been dealing with your pain on your own basically. It does not matter if you post here and you get feedback ,it does not matter if you go to counselors. The one that you need to talk to, is your husband!! He is the one that you care to know how he feels about this. Why dont you invite him to post in MB? Maybe he can read how you feel, he can get in touch with himself too. Has he read your poems? Only by reading them, he can see how you feel. They are trouble thoughts that you had put in a paper. You give such good advice to all of us here, but yet your life is in not how you want it to be. You cannot let the years roll by without talking to your husband. You need him now! The situation of your parents was very sad indeed. I think that young adult children suffer much more from divorce than little kids. Little kids adapt better to new situations. My adult children would surely be devastated if my husband and I get divorce. They think we have the most perfect marriage in the world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My thoughts and my well wishes are with you. Myrta
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sadfww:
RIF- I'm wondering whether it would help my H if I shared my poems with him? I don't know- maybe it would cause more problems then help...what do you think?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why stay married if you cannot show the most tender and intimate parts of yourself to your loving husband???
There is a fantastic book I'd like to recommend you read Sad... I don't recommend it to everyone, because it usually won't be understood during an affair... but only after the mind and heart have settled down a bit.
Passionate Marriage ... by David Schnarch.
It's a difficult read. Often didactic and text-book-ish... but it is a well of understanding intimacy that I frequently dip myself back into... when I find myself drifting back into isolationist habits.
Do not isolate your inner workings from your life partner. That kills intimacy.
Become emotionally naked. It's a risk. It takes courage. It builds intimacy. And... it's sexy as hell!
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta: <strong> SadWW- I feel so sad for the pain that you are going thru. SadWW, you need to talk to your husband. I think the problem is right there, the fact that you haven't talked to each other about what happened. You dont know how he feels, what he thinks. You need to know that. I used to complain that my husband wanted to know too much, but It would be worst if he didn't!!! This is too important, it needs to be discussed. You had been dealing with your pain on your own basically. It does not matter if you post here and you get feedback ,it does not matter if you go to counselors. The one that you need to talk to, is your husband!! He is the one that you care to know how he feels about this. Why dont you invite him to post in MB? Maybe he can read how you feel, he can get in touch with himself too. Has he read your poems? Only by reading them, he can see how you feel. They are trouble thoughts that you had put in a paper. You give such good advice to all of us here, but yet your life is in not how you want it to be. You cannot let the years roll by without talking to your husband. You need him now! The situation of your parents was very sad indeed. I think that young adult children suffer much more from divorce than little kids. Little kids adapt better to new situations. My adult children would surely be devastated if my husband and I get divorce. They think we have the most perfect marriage in the world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My thoughts and my well wishes are with you. Myrta </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta..thanks. My H in a million years would never post here. In fact, he probably would hate that I'm posting here. I want to talk to him- but at the same time I don't. We've had a rough number of years...in fact there are days that I am just shocked that we are still married. Must be both of our innate stubborness. I love him and can't imagine my life without him, but in a lot of ways I don't right now trust him with my heart- I don't feel that I can lay myself before him and have him respond in any kind of manner that would be helpful for either of us. Edited to say that I know that many of you are thinking that perhaps he can't trust me with his heart either. Perhaps that is how he feels...I don't know. My post is just reflecting how I am personally feeling about myself.... So....I'm going to continue to "plan A" and hope that we grow closer again- and that someday we can talk honestly and openly about "us." Thanks. <small>[ October 30, 2004, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: Sadfww ]</small>
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I'll look for it Pep. I don't know...I'm not feeling real hopeful or optimistic tonight..I guess I really just wonder whether H and I will ever be able to relate at that level with each other. I don't know.
Sorry....I'm just feeling really depressed and wondering whether we're really meant to be- or whether I'm holding on to just a dream. Don't know. I love him=- but I don't know whether I'll ever able to be what he wants me to be- or whether he'll be able to be emotionally close to me.
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SadWW- How can you possibly grow closer to him if you dont even talk about your intimate thoughts to each other??? You are not going to grow closer by talking about the kids, or politics, or the current events of the world. Thats social talk, not husband and wife talk! You need to do this for the peace withinn you, for your state of mind. You cannot continue like this, because this makes you prone to look elsewhere for what you are lacking with your husband. What you did before was because you were young,inexperienced. But now you are a grown woman, a professional that is missing,is lacking a huge part of her life to feel complete. You are a lawyer, wow, thats amazing,, but you need to be a woman, you need to feel loved by your husband, you need to feel his acceptance of you. Why would he get angry if he knew you post here? You need to vent your thoughts,, if you dont do it with him. Does he talk to anyone? Does he have any close friends? If he does not talk to anyone, he must be going "nuts" with his thoughts. SadWW... You also need to read lighter books, not Albert Cammus! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I really,really wish you well. I hope tomorrow will be better for you. Take Care SadWW MYRTA
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Hi Sad, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love him and can't imagine my life without him, but in a lot of ways I don't right now trust him with my heart- I don't feel that I can lay myself before him and have him respond in any kind of manner that would be helpful for either of us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I completely understand how you feel. My W and I didn't really start "connecting" until SHE felt safe with my reactions and responses to her... It took me a while to "finally get it"... but once I did, my W started opening up to me. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry....I'm just feeling really depressed and wondering whether we're really meant to be- or whether I'm holding on to just a dream. Don't know. I love him=- but I don't know whether I'll ever able to be what he wants me to be- or whether he'll be able to be emotionally close to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sad, I'll try to wrap my 2x4 with lots of padding... You need to recognize this feeling that you have... then discard it!!! You may FEEL like you are just holding on to a dream, but the FACTS are that your H is still with you and you are both still married. There's no question as to whether you were "meant to be" you and your H "ARE"... so stop worrying about "what if". Feelings are just that... Feelings. Keep your focus on the end result of rebuilding your M and don't dwell on the "what if" or "perhaps he's thinking..." type thoughts. You WILL have those thoughts from time to time, but recognized them for what they are and then refocus yourself on your goal. You are doing great.... Hope you and your H are having a great weekend! Semper Fi, RIF90 <small>[ October 31, 2004, 01:02 AM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>
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Thanks RIF- I needed that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was feeling even droopier- and more depressed yesterday and was letting it color everything. Feeling better today and realizing that I was being silly. Rebuilding takes time, and I generally don't give up very easily!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know H loves me- I just need to keep plugging along. Thanks!
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Hi Sad,
It's sooo easy to get caught up in the muck of rebuilding.
I sure didn't think you were being "silly"... I've been there, my W has been there... It's just so hard to keep focused when you have so many feelings swirling around in your head.
Thats why I always stress the importance of a good pro-marriage MC... MC will help keep you both focused as you rebuild your M together.
Glad you are feeling better! Hope you and your H have a great weekend...
Semper Fi,
RIF90
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Bumping up for LIL
(See Bob's thread on a new name for Sadfww)
Just wondering how your weekend went... hope you and your H had a great weekend!
Semper Fi,
RIF90
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rebuilding in Faith 90: <strong> Bumping up for LIL (See Bob's thread on a new name for Sadfww) Just wondering how your weekend went... hope you and your H had a great weekend! Semper Fi, RIF90 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love the name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm ok today- better actually before I came here and read some posts that I thought were actually quite cruel. Weekend was actually good! We had some friends over for Halloween last night and had a lot of fun playing with their one year old daughter. The men took the kids trick or treating and it was fun to see them SO excited! Also, I helped H get his costume together for a party he was going to later that night (too late for me on a work night) and we were hysterical with laughter- imagine a 6'4" man with a short beard and hairy legs in a yellow wig, white buttoned down shirt tied up to accentuate his *chest* (one pound round weights) and a short red skirt...It was the funniest costume I have ever seen.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The laughter was great for both of us. Thanks for asking RIF. How are you today?
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Hi LIL,
Can I call you LIL (you should really change your name!)? I'm doing great... glad to see that you and your family had a great weekend...
I saw some of the posts on that "other" thread, and I actually hurt for all of the FWW & FWH here... I DO understand the BS pain, really I do, I've lived through it...
I guess all you can do is realize that everyone here is at a different place... many BS still have fresh wounds and I can understand their pain...and why they sometimes post like they do...
I always try to stay positive and offer encouragement because that's how I'd like to be treated...
Again, glad you and your H and kids had a great weekend.
Semper Fi,
RIF90
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