Been in Recovery for 3/4 weeks now. Has been going very well! H found some old emails of mine from an old flame who had tracked me down. I told them about them. This just so happen to be right in the middle of his A. He asked me to stop emailing him and I promptly did. Never again did I email the guy. I never spoke with him on the phone, never saw him in person.

Soooo, here we are in R, H snoops around on the computer and finds these old emails. At first he emailed the guy. Dont know what he said, dont care. Then yesterday he says he found some pretty involved emails. Now lets just think of my frame of mind at the time this happened. My H is living out of the house, he is telling me he never loved me, should have never married me, bla, bla, bla...oh yea, OW is pregnant at this time...

Anyway, I said some things in the emails that upset H. First of all I told this guy about what was going on and sent him here to MB so he could read about it. I sent him my two loooong threads from back in March. He came back and said he would never treat me that way, he wanted to kick his A$$, etc, etc...I told this guy that I felt he and I should have been together, that we were meant to be...or something like that. That we should have gotten married and that we were young...bla, bla, bla...I wrote those out of hurt, anger, spite...

So now H is threatening to go back to OW. Saying that I cant be trusted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> that I was never committed to the marriage...Well, I sure as hell wasn't in July when he was running around on me...matter of fact, I had an appt with a lawyer at that time to file D.

So here we go again..I cannot go on with these back and forth games the rest of my life. He is going to use this OW against me forever and frankly, I am not up for that.

I forgot to mention that all this took place the day after H saw OW at the NH...He said he could "handle it"...but I believe in my heart that he was looking for a fight and looking for a way for me to either kick him out or just leave.

Anyone there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

PAF -

I'm here, but I don't know how much wisdom I can impart. Obviously the things you told your old flame are going to be hard for H to hear. Have you tried to convince H that you wrote that "should have married you" stuff to the old flame out of hurt, anger, spite and that you CERTAINLY don't really mean it and was foolish to even think such a thing?

I know that my WW told me she had some e-mail contact with an old flame probably 1 year after the fact. I was deeply hurt that 1) she would pursue that relationship, 2)that she would keep something like that a secret.

Hi GG, thanks for replying...yes I have expressed all those things to him...but he refuses to believe them. He feels that since I worte "we were meant to be" in one of the eamils, that I am not committed NOW. Let's think about all the things that the alien said to his OW...I love you...we were meant to be...not to mention the countless times he lied to me and had sex with her AND got the woman pregnant.

I really thought that the alien was committed and he wasn't going to "act" this way anymore. I thouhgt all this was past us, but apparently not. I do believe he is using his contact on Wednesday and trying to get me to kick him out so he can go be with her again. I know I can live this way anymore with that constantly over my. The threat of her. So be it...maybe he does need to be with her instead of me...Cus this constant back and forth is killing me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Hi GG, thanks for replying...yes I have expressed all those things to him...but he refuses to believe them. He feels that since I worte "we were meant to be" in one of the eamils, that I am not committed NOW. Let's think about all the things that the alien said to his OW...I love you...we were meant to be...not to mention the countless times he lied to me and had sex with her AND got the woman pregnant.

I really thought that the alien was committed and he wasn't going to "act" this way anymore. I thouhgt all this was past us, but apparently not. I do believe he is using his contact on Wednesday and trying to get me to kick him out so he can go be with her again. I know I can live this way anymore with that constantly over my. The threat of her. So be it...maybe he does need to be with her instead of me...Cus this constant back and forth is killing me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you getting your IDs mixed up?

Pep

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I think so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I originally wanted to post so he wouldn't see it, but I dont care anymore...he can see whatever he wants...I have NOTHING to hide

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"PlayedAFool" then M23B. on the same thread.. it's confusing...

By the way, I saw you on a Dr. Phil promo yesterday afternoon... you are BEAUTIFUL!!! REALLY!

Pep

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I can delete my posts anytime, just ask.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"PlayedAFool" then M23B. on the same thread.. it's confusing...

By the way, I saw you on a Dr. Phil promo yesterday afternoon... you are BEAUTIFUL!!! REALLY!

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG, are you kidding...I missed that. Was it during the show? What did they say about it? That means the show is getting close to airing...what piece did they show??? I am so scared for it to air. They come back on Sunday to do some pretaping and then we tape again on the 9th...But he is so "distant" again. Says I am back to MY Old ways. haha...

why do you need to delete them???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> why do you need to delete them??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't need to delete them unless YOU ask me to in order to protect your other user ID.

They showed you saying that you feel the reason Dad cheated was because you gained too much weight and Dr. Phil told you something like: "You had 3 of HIS babies! Of course your body will change."

Pep

Oh yea, I remember saying that! I'll have to watch the show today!

No, You dont need to delete anything...I am using this name now...thanks!

I am so sorry. This is why it is so wrong for him to have any contact. He can't handle it. I think the Dr. Harley says that in one of his books. Even if he thought he could handle it, he can't...you can't.

OW can not be trusted and neither can your H.

I hope he does read your posts. Maybe he can see what a ridiculous double standard he's having.
Wow, after all he's said and put you through he can't forgive you for having said stuff in the midst of your turmoil and pain.

Certainly he has to know he's said stuff to OW that he can't be proud of regarding your marriage and his feelings for you that contradict things he's told you in the last few weeks.

Maybe a call to SH is in order. You need some help with this. (Or a call to Dr. Phil?)

It sure seems like since he saw OW he is looking for justification to aleviate the guilt of whatever exchange they may have had and his rekindled conflicting feelings which surfaced upon seeing her face to face again. Obviously, there is a draw.

NC is imperative. He needs to get with the program.
His seeing her is much worse than you saying stuff in emails to OM a couple of months ago.

Where is your forgiveness D23B?
Feelings/moods can change from day to day and sometimes we say things through emotion that aren't meant to be written in stone. Sometimes we all rewrite history a bit when under emotional stress.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Thank you trix! I just dont get it..He is being soooo mean to me. Calling me names...My mom just called, said dad is bleeding internally, I need to get there. Got my stuff packed and was heading out. H says mean stuff to me. Says I need to go with my family. Night before he said he didnt' want to have anything to do with that family, he wont even go to tfuneral. Now he watns to go with us. Soooo, I am parked in a lot when he calls...says I am just using this as an excuse to go see this guy. RIGHT! Whatever....So I said "fine, you wanna go, I'll go home and wait for you...prove it that you want to go"...he calls back a few minutes later and says "no just go by yourself, it's over with us"...i said "Nope, I am waiting for you to come home...you can PROVE to me you really want to go".

I dont understand his reasoning here. I mean lets think about my frame of mind in JULY! he has another woman PG with HIS child. He is out of the house, he has told me point blank he doens't want to be married, should have never married, etc...I email a guy and say OUT OF HURT AND ANGER that "we should have been together" "we were meant to be toghther"...and he is using THAT against me. An EMAIL!!! He asked me to stop emailing him and I stopped...did he???NOOOOOOO!!!! But again, it's MY FAULT!!!! I just dont get it! I really dont!

What have I done here. I really thought we were all past this. He says that I am not committed now...WHAT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> So here I sit...waiting for him to come home so we can all go see my dad! ARGH!

I think I totally get it.

I think you need to calmly, and lovingly explain this to him again...if he is on his way home to go with you. Reassure him as you've been needing him to reassure you. Apologize for the past and agree to move forward.

Unless he has another agenda, and I hope he doesn't.
It sure sounds like he is trying to find an excuse to not be in recovery. Trying to find justification for his having doubts again (from breaking NC). I hope not.

Prayers for your Dad.

Hope you have a better weekend.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

I have not wavered. I was reacting to something my wife said 3 wks ago at the start of recovery. She said she was about to Email this old flame that very week had I not turned around. I knew she had said the prior e-mails were personal and she had stopped but it knawed at me so I dug them up. I got mad when I read the part about OP "also feeling the the same way that they were meant for each other and should have married but were too young" Hard medicine to swallow. I am in no position to judge her but it made it seem to me she was ready to jump at any moment. I gave her plenty of reason to so now I have to worry about that while I try to recover the marriage. As for the contact it was on a professional level. I asked about the sex of the child and she said I am having a girl. I said good for you. That was it. XOW is afraid of me now because she thinks I will go after the child. She is right I might. She wants NC between me and OC because of this. I know when OC gets older there is a good chance it winds up with us like her son has done with his dad. The OW focus now is not any chance of me going to her. She got her girl now she wants to keep her all to herself.

Dad,

If you really really get it, what's with the name calling and the nastiness over her going to her father or threats of separation stuff? These two things are incongruent, so which is it? You get it or you're nasty?

And Dad, OW may have snowed you about wanting NC; but she declared war on your family and this is just another battle strategy she has to do it. Give her no benefit of a doubt on this. Evil people are predictably evil; you may not expect the specific form that evil will appear, but expect it. You are her weapon of choice and she has in fact deceived you before in order to win a sortie or two.

Now, Dad, one last thing you need to pay attention to: your father in law is dying. Had he died while this nasty little game played out between you and Mom yesterday, it would have done irrepairable harm to your relationship. It would have been an extremely dark spot in this conflict that would have been impossible to forget; and possibly beyond Mom's capacity to forgive. Stop stretching it please. I know this is hard work.

If it's any consolation, I have some of that kind of forgiveness to do toward my husband and it's very very hard. The harm continues, he doesn't mean to do it, but the work for him to recover himself is so enormously hard, I think he gets overwhelmed by it all and just gives up time and time again. But I love him dearly. And I really try to not hold his struggles against him. And Mom is a stronger woman than I.