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Hello everyone. I've provided my sitch below. Not sure what to do. My T suggested I place some boundaries to get myself together emotionally. Told H that I couldn't see him b/c it was just too tough for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> After that, we saw e/o a couple of times when he came to pick up our D. He kissed me and held me. He's said he still loves me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know he's deep in MLC and, as far as I know, still seeing OW. I don't know if I made the right decision. I miss him terribly and want him back. I've forgiven all and love him deeply. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> HELP Susan BS 46 H 44 Married 19 years Together 20 years EA began 2/04 ILYB... 3/04 H left 6/21 Kids s17 & d11 Update: He's reading MLC books and I gave him this site to search pA1998 <small>[ November 02, 2004, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: ustr ]</small>
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It's been 8 months since he fell "in love," 7 mos since ILYB speech, 4 mos since he moved out, what now? I'm afraid the A will work. How do you keep from feeling as if you're the 2nd choice if he decides to come back? Leftovers? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> How do I keep myself afloat? Susan
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Susan,
Recovery takes time. You need to fill your mind with the tools and info to help you do a good plan A and B as needed. Then you will have what you need to be ready to help a WS should they want to lose that title and come back as your spouse.
What type of MC are you using? Think about calling Steve @ MB for some phone counseling session. Work on you first. The WS does not want help.
BTW, when he tells you he loves you but continues to inflict pain, ask him if he would love someone that does that to him.....don't expect an answer. Just let him mull your words in his fogbrain.
JMHO,
L.
<small>[ November 02, 2004, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>
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Hi Susan, you had mentioned earlier that the OWH did know about the affair. How does he know this? Did you tell him yourself? Where does the OW live? Does your H's family know all about the affair yet? Because unless exposure has taken place there will be no pressure on the affair to end whatsoever.
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Melody ... OWH' learned of the A b/c the OW came home and announced that there was "someone else." My h's family knows, I'm not sure who knows in her F.
Unfortunately, the OW has 3 kids -- so now it's about just talking by phone and secret meetings. This could go on a long time b/f they have to expose this. The only other place for me to expose is at work (she and I work at the same place) but I could get fired for that (ethics!!!)
Other thoughts?
Susan
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Susan, I will say it again. You must expose this affair to the OMH. Unless you have told him yourself he probably has no idea. That is the best opportunity that you have and I am not sure why you are not taking it. He can be one of your best allies in this war and can help end the affair from that end.
How could you get fired for exposing her at your job? That would definitely put pressure on her.
<small>[ November 03, 2004, 07:16 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>
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Mel...OWH's H called our house so I know he's aware. Granted they haven't been getting for quite some time and apparently he's been deemed "unstable."
THey also have 3 kids so this could go on for some time b/c it will always be a fantasy (I don't seem them moving in together with 3 kids -- but I could be wrong.)
Any other thoughts? I was reading the Dobson book and he suggests writing a letter and letting them go...other thoughts?
My workplace is VERY concerned about ethics... could call her at home, but that wouldn't let anyone else know about the A.
Susan
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okay...D11 is writing a journal to me to express her feelings. Tonight, she said, she didn't like it when I said H was in MLC...I just wanted to ensure them it wasn't about them.
The I hear I take my anger out on them (perhaps I do to some extent) but I'm TIRED of aking care of me, them, the house, the yard, the dogs, working full time, AND keeping myself in check (which I obviously haven"t beed doing. Yet he looks perfect and saintlike!!!!! B*****d!
I hate him, hate the situation, HATE her...I'm tired.
Susan
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm afraid the A will work. How do you keep from feeling as if you're the 2nd choice if he decides to come back? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I highly doubt the A will work....with her having 3 children of her own....fantasy land is just somewhere they are going to WISH they were.
I've NEVER felt like I was a 2nd choice.....I was with him first....the OW was the 2nd choice. My H just happened to decide he liked his 1st choice better......after fantasy land turned into whacko land.
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Don't let the 3 kids fool ya. Mine hated kids and ended up with an OW who had 2, 6 and 8. Nothing to do but work the plan and know she's not right for him. That it will only last so long and then it will be over.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ustr:
<strong> Mel...OWH's H called our house so I know he's aware. Granted they haven't been getting for quite some time and apparently he's been deemed "unstable."
THey also have 3 kids so this could go on for some time b/c it will always be a fantasy (I don't seem them moving in together with 3 kids -- but I could be wrong.)
Any other thoughts? I was reading the Dobson book and he suggests writing a letter and letting them go...other thoughts?
My workplace is VERY concerned about ethics... could call her at home, but that wouldn't let anyone else know about the A.
Susan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Susan, I would suggest you call the OWH and start working together with him to help end this affair. He may think that it has ended when it hasn't and you can compare notes and help each other. He can put pressure on it from that end.
And if you are concerned about ethics, then I would most definitely expose her at work. Otherwise you are just helping her destroy your family. There is nothing ethical about that.
Susan, you have lots of opportunities to hasten the end of this affair. Please don't pass them up. You have a family to protect and that requires some tough steps.
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Melody...how did you get your spouse to end the affair???? Right now I'm detached and haven't spoken to him in a couple of days, and frankly, he's playing right along....not calling, took kids to dinner left b/f I got home... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's why I'm so worried about the A. It doesn't seem to bother him that I'm not in contact. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Still not wearing his wedding ring, still in contact with OW... I've thought about calling OWH and perhaps I should just to find out what's going on, b/c I'm not asking my H (don't want to seem interested. But what did you do to get your H to leave OW? How long were they together? (A began 2/04, they worked together over the past 2 years, out of our house since 6/04). Any tidbits you can provided will be appreciated. I've read the Tough Love book by Dr. Dobson....but others don't feel a letter would do it. HELP Susan
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Susan, my H ended his affair the day I found out. So I never had to deal with what you are going through.
But in situations like yours, exposure almost always hastens the end of the affair. The affair needs secrecy to survive and when it is exposed, it takes away the fantasy aspect and becomes an embarrassment. This is why you should expose her at work.
How do you behave when you do talk to your H? How would you describe your plan A?
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Mel, thanks for the info.
My plan A was about being even tempered and trying to meet his needs. I met his sexual need until he left in June.
My T suggested that I detach, so that's what I've done. My H is very guilty and very confused. Today he called me 5x and when he came to pick up D, he took me in his arms and kissed me. Was I wrong to reciprocate? I don't know.
He asked if he could come over and rake leaves on Sunday -- that's the first time he's volunteered to help outside. Until now, he's been afraid to face the neighbors -- a first step?
He was wondering what I was up to this evening. I said I hadn't decided. Are you going dancing? No, I have to decide between voice or dance lessons. Oh.
He has told me, "You're right Susan, I do love you." and I believe that still. I'm not sure what's happening with OW...perhaps I should call OWH.
I wish my H would have given up OW when I found out...I had to discover OW for myself little by little. He has still, in my mind, not taken responsibility for the A.
I need to think about exposing the A at work. I really could get fired, my company is very concerned about harassment and they would view this as harassment.
other ideas?
susan
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Susan, they have a written company policy about exposing a coworker who is having an affair with your own H?? I can't imagine any such company policy because it is so flagrantly UNethical. What is unethical is having an affair with a coworkers H.
By keeping her dirty little secret you are only helping her destroy your family. You realize that don't you. You hurt yourself MORE by not exposing her.
It sounds like you have done a very good job at Plan A. Now, if you could just put this pressure on this affair to end you will have done everything you can to end it. At that point you can move into Plan B. If you stay in Plan A too long, you defeat your purpose and prolong the affair.
In the meantime, please expose, expose, expose, Susan. That is one of your best opportunities to put pressure on this affair.
<small>[ November 05, 2004, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>
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ML is right. If they are so hung up on ethics then I think letting them know what type of person she is would help you out mostly. I think it is pretty unethical to have an A with someone else's H. I would try talking to someone at work at least to find out what the rules are. I can't think of anything more unethical than an A honestly.
Good Luck!
HINY
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Hopeful...thanks for your post.
I did talk to our EE relations group. I can contact OW at her home from my phone, but not use business resources to contact her. It's all about the job, not what he/she does on own time.
It sounds weird, but it's actually supported many folks who may have been misrepresented.
Thanks all.
Susan
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Hello everyone. Update...
Friday H came to pick up D11. Before he left, he took me in his arms and hugged me hard and kissed me several times. Offered to come over Sunday and help with leaves.
Sunday same romantic stuff. What's up with that?
T says I should ask him to seek T or I shold visit a lawyer...Your thoughts?
Susan
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Hey everyone. H is quite happy that I haven't been so much in touch. Altho as I said, he gave me hugs and kisses the last time he was here. What is up with that? He is still involved with the OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (got his own separate cell phone bill which is always sky high), still not wearing his wedding ring, still only paying $100 /mo living with a friend...no reprocusions from the A -- he just detaches from those who tell him he's wrong (family and all). What a b****. Not sure I can wait for him to get his head out of his a**. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I just keep keeping myself busy and hope (pray <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) for the best. He says he loves me...but actions speak louder than words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> susan
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