*Sigh* I started taking my 10 year old to see a counselor, due to the separation of her Dad and I. Her teachers informed me that she was very depressed/lethargic in class. I've talked to my H about this, not to specifically blame him, or to make him feel guilty, but to keep him abreast of what's going on with our daughter. Last night was Trick Or Treat night my daughter seemed excited about it during the day, but as it got closer, the wind sort of slowly got taken out of her sails. By the time we actually got her costume on and got out to trick or treat, she just wasn't interested. She went to maybe 5 houses and wanted to quit....well we were already 1/2 way around the block, so I said "We might as well get candy from the rest of the houses on the way back.......she didn't seem to want to, but did it anyway. We trick or treat in my Mom's neighborhood, because they've lived there forever and so have most of their neighbors, therefore, I feel it's more trustworthy than people I don't know.....so we get back to my Mom's house and my daughter just sits on the front step of her house. We stayed at my Mom's for about an hour, and she stayed out on her front step almost the entire time. I didn't say anything to her, because, she was already mad that I had her go to the few houses that were on the way back.
So, we left and came home, and her Dad called her and asked her how it was. I didn't sit and listen to their conversation, I went out into the kitchen. The next thing I know my D is calling me to the phone, so I went out and grabbed it and my H says "What's wrong with her?" I said "What do you mean?" He said "Well....I was asking her how trick or treat was and she was giving me answers like 'It was okay' and 'I guess it was fun'....so what's wrong with her?!" I proceeded to tell him how she had acted the whole day....that she seemed to want to go, but then as the day went on was less excited, and that earlier she'd asked me "Mom, did you make sure you don't have to work on my next therapy appointment?" I said "Yes honey, I checked I don't have to work" I said "Are you looking forward to going back?" She said "Yes" (Thinking this is strange for a 10 year old, and also strange because she really wouldn't talk to the counselor on her initial visit) She said "I get to draw on the big piece of paper on the wall this time" I said "Ohhhhh, that'll be cool" she said "Yeah" I said "You know...the counselor will probably ask you to draw about how you're feeling" She said "I'm going to draw a dog" I said "A dog? A dog is how you're feeling?" She said "I miss my dogs" I said "Oh, okay honey".
So I tell my husband what's going on, and then I hang up. My daughter called him back before she went to sleep to tell him "Goodnight Daddy, I love you, God bless you" and he talked to her for a minute, then hung up. I told her I'd be right back and went out of the room and called him and told him I would call him back after she went to sleep to talk to him about what's going on with her. He said "Okay"
So I called him back, and we discussed it. He kept trying to deflect what was going on saying "Well....Caren she's been sick" "Maybe she's outgrowing trick or treat" etc etc...anything to make it not because we're split up. Whenever he brought up some other reason she could not want to trick or treat I countered it with "She felt fine all day" and "What 10 year old has outgrown getting candy?" so he said "What?! Are you trying to make me feel guilty?" I said "No, I'm not, I'm trying to have a discussion with you about our daughter" He kept reacting defensively, but I kept a cool, calm voice the whole time, even when he was yelling back at me, I would say "I'm not yelling at you, why are you yelling at me?" Throughout the conversation he would throw in "Caren, we're not getting back together...." (Never mentioned getting back together) I said "Ummmm I didn't ask you to, I'm just trying to discuss our daughter" He said it 3 or 4 times during the conversation.
I had talked to my Pastor earlier that day, and he said "You need to ask him what it would take to make him happy" (I didn't want to, but forced myself) Again...I get "Caren! We ARE NOT getting back together" I said "I didn't ask you to get back together, I asked what it would take to make you happy....not what I could do to make you happy..." He said "I don't know, I haven't thought about it" I said "Are you thinking any of this through, or are you just existing?" He said "What do you mean?" I said "Are you thinking about your future, or are you just living day to day and not thinking about what you're doing?" He said "Caren, I'm just taking it day by day".
Then, since I have recieved absolutely NO concrete reason why we even split up to begin with I asked him what his reasons were...because he kept saying "Caren!! Do you talk to our daughter?" I said "Yes, of course" He said "No, I mean about what's going on?" I said "Well since I really don't know why we broke up, how am I supposed to explain it to a 10 year old?" He kept blowing up and yelling at me, but again, I stayed calm, and asked "Why does everything I say upset you?" He said "Why do you think Caren?!!" I said "I honestly don't know" He said "Well you're sitting here telling me that our daughter is f-ed up and that it's my fault, is that supposed to make me happy?" I said "I never said it was your fault, I simply stated the REASON she was having problems was that we were separated...and excuse me, you don't love me anymore, you don't want to be with me anymore, and I'm still supposed to walk on eggshells around your feelings and make you 'happy' when we talk?" He said "CAREN!! I do too love you, it had nothing to do with that!"
He said "Listen, I have asked you over and over and over again for YEARS to keep the house clean, keep the laundry done...etc, Did you do it? NO! I had to come home from work, after cleaning dirty animal cages ALL DAY to a filthy house, and I couldn't take it anymore" (I am not a very good housekeeper, and he has asked me more times than I can count to please keep it cleaner....but I never realized how important it was to him until we split....Because it wasn't important to me it wasn't important...it was a non-issue) It would do me absolutely no good to tell him I would do better, because he's heard that too many times before, and I would clean for a while, and then stop doing it again. He said "You were too lazy to do the laundry for God's sake, you would pick through the pile of dirty laundry and get out what we HAD to have the next day, and that was it!!" (Also true).
Again, I stayed calm the entire time, and I never got my feelings hurt....when he's hurling these accusations at me I just simply agreed with him, and said "I know, I'm sorry"
We ended up having a long talk, and I tried to explain my position, and that he was absolutely right, that asking for the house to be clean was NOT an unreasonable request.
I also explained to him that I know now that things should have been different. That HE is supposed to be the head of the household, and that it was very hard for me to let him be, because my Mother always ran our house, and my Dad wasn't really allowed to have any opinions on things. Now my Mom kept an extremely clean house, but she NEVER made us do any chores...I had NO clue how to clean or cook or any of those things, because I was never made to do them when I lived with my parents. So, that is part of my problem....I have never been very good at it, and I dislike it. (I do cook....and I'm very good at it) But I told him that I understood now, that he should have been the "head" of the house and that I shouldn't have ignored his requests.
I know there were a few LB's in there, but the majority of the talk after he got done being defensive went pretty well.....we haven't talked so much in a long time...since way before we ever split up.
I have been talking to a Pastor, I haven't been to church for a long, long time....probably pushing 20 years (except for when I got married), and I have decided that my marital problems are a symptom of the bigger problem of God not being in my life. I think that this situation was a wake up call, and I honestly don't know what else would have done it. So, I'm making some major changes in my life. I guess just like we "listen to our WS's, but only believe their actions" I think that is what I have to do, I am going to keep my place sparkling clean at all times, try to get into the habit, learn what I'm doing...try to organize it somehow. (I've been keeping my apartment pretty clean, but still not as clean as he would want it), I guess I have to demonstrate to him that I am serious, and that I wouldn't fall back into the letting the house get filthy habit.
Thanks for listening,
-Caren
1st Separation 1 week - May 04
2nd separation Aug 9 - present
H has no OW
Reconcilation with God's help-In the near future
