My H and I are in recovery after discovering our A's that happen 4yrs ago. Back in Spring/early June my H said something was missing emotionally. So we started working on our M. End of August things came to a head and the A's were revealed. I have posted my story before. Now here is new situation.

In April my H's highschool friend came back home to visit her dad like she does 2 times a year. My H gets together with her and 2 other friends (both girls, he hung around with girls in high school) when she comes home. They have dinner. Well in July he recieved a phone call and it was her calling. He lied and said it was a guy. Of coarse I new better. He said that she was moving back home from California and she had asked him to help her and her mother find a place to live. He said he did not want me to know because he said I would have gotten mad. He was probably right. Well I became suspicious. I started looking at his palm pilot for e-mails. I found one where she said she had a dream about him and her on a date. She asked if that was a sign. Well I started to get more suspicious. This was mid August. At end of August A's came out. (his A was not with her) So we started counceling and things have gotten better. My H says he is much happier.

Yesterday my H accidentally left his work e-mail open here at home. I of course looked at it. Well I found an e-mail from him to her from back in April the week after she was home. He asked her is she thought one of the other girls thought that they were having a torrid affair. He said that it was funny, but very appealing. But given his current situation (meaning being married and I was 3mo pregnant) and the fact she lived 3000 miles away, that was not possible. She replied back about his comment and said that yes it would be pretty tuff. Then she made a comment that he take care of himself and she hopes he starts to make good money but not to much or I will just take it all from him.

Well I confronted him about it. He was extremely upset. After things calmed down, he called and said he was sorry and that it was in the past. I asked why he said it and did he say he wanted a divorce to her. He said he told her he felt we were not connected anymore, and was not sure he wanted to be married anymore. I told him how the e-mail upset me. He said he was sorry that was just the way he was feeling at the time. He said that is not the way he feels now and that he feels like he love me more now then maybe ever before. Lately he has said he is glad I did not kick him out and he loves our family so much.

I told him that I am worried that if he feels this way again that an A will happen. This is how he felt 4yrs ago that lead to A. At least in April he did not have a PA like last time. He said that he knew he had to try to make the M work before he did anything and this is what he told her back in April. He said he learned in counceling that he needs to tell me if he is feeling bad about our M and not hold it in and let all this happen again.

I am feeling of coarse hurt. I want to talk about it with him, but it is really just kicking a dead horse. We made good strides in the last 2mo. and really me digging and considering it was 6mo. ago since April. Shouldn't I stop bringing up the past and work on present and future? My H has been really great since the d-day happened. My only concern is he still is in contact with this friend via e-mail and phone calles. All the other e-mails have been harmless that I say yesterday. They have tried to get together for drinks, but have been unsuccessfull. I told H my fears of them getting together. I don't care so much that they talk. He said he would end their friendship if I wanted him too. But I am worried that could make him resent me, plus she may turn it against me to him. I guess I just want to know that I should stop dwelling on the past and focus on us now and the future. Isn't that right? Obviously he did not tell me about this e-mail, but he did tell me he was not happy before anything happen and before he decided to give up. I am not so sure that me know about the e-mail was important. How much detail to we really tell? If I told him all the time I thought about an affair, I would be int trouble. But in a way he did more than think with her, he wrote it down. Whether it was truely meant or he was just going on emotion.

Any good words would help. I am sick of crying and sick of thinking out the bad stuff. I want to thiink and work on the good.

Ann

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: Ann40 ]</small>

Start with today's issues.

It is impossible to fix today's marriage problems while looking backwards.

If you think he is still emailing her, tell him that it will hurt you very much as a wife, and it will make working on the marriage very tough. Then drop the subject, but keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth SHUT.

I would advise you to look over this sites Plan A material and begin a 2-3 month Plan A pulling out all the stops. This husband of yours is only dangling at the edge of the marriage at this time. He has not really fallen in love with anyone else, he just like the attention of a woman who thinks he's the bomb. So YOU become the woman who thinks he's the bomb. It should be pretty simple for you to draw/attract him firmly toward you if you stop pushing him away at the same time.

Be honest about your feelings of not wanting to share him... because he is such a terrific guy. Then treat him like the terrific guy he is.

Go after him like the sultry goddess that you are. Make him desire you SOOOO much that all thoughts of any otyher woman are not even a close second.

In other words, seduce you man, again and again.

Pep

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepperband thanks, this is what I needed. I have posted a few times in the last week or so and if did not help at all. I am not sure if I was communicating my thought well enough. I almost stopped coming here. It help a lot in the beginning though.

I had been making him feel wanted and striving to have the marriage we have wanted. I know that I was not making him feel wanted or loved in the past. I feel that was huge. Plus he said that we did not seem to have anything to talk about anymore, like we were on two different levels.

Our sex life was getting REALLY good which had not been the case I say in 4yrs. But I just had our second beautiful daughter on Oct 2nd so the sex has slown down cause it has to, and we don't want another so we must becareful for another 2wks. I guess I was starting to feel a little overworked in the meeting his needs department(not referring to sex either), but really I should not feel this way, because it should have always been this way. This is not a chore, it is my marriage that I want to be good. I guess just afraid of trying so hard and one day having it fall apart again. I know wrong way to think and I should not even think about that.

Oh by the way, he told his friend back in mid-Sep. that things were going well and we were working on it.

Ann

I recommend Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands" ... it will give you ideas and encouragement.

Best of luck... and have some damn FUN!!!

Pep

Thanks, I will have to check into that. I have also been reading Men or from Mars and Women are from Venus. It has helped some. I have been realizing that what is important to me is not so important to him. Plus all this has made me realize how I had been in the past. Immature, mean, and uncaring to his feelings.

I know it is not all my fault, but I do realize I definitely contributed. Anyone else have ideas to my situation?

Ann

bump