I'm new to this forum. I made the mistake of cheating on my wife with someone that I had worked with for 7 years. We went to 3 different counselors but I gave up each time. The affair ended on September 17 and I made my mind up to reconcile. My wife served me with papers Oct 4th. It was a wake up call to say the least. I accepted Christ into my life on Oct 6th, and now realize my mistakes and that counseling is the answer. We have 6 appointments scheduled with a counselor. However, my wife is still not ready to talk to me and won't read my letters. She wants space. She doesn't believe that I am sincere and doesn't trust or believe anything that I say. I am hopeful that our counselor will help and I want this to work more than anything. I love her and I miss her. We have been married 12 years and have two beautiful children together. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks and God Bless.

Hi Hoping,

First off, welcome to Marriage Builders!

I'm sorry to say this, but right now, your wife is in the "driver's seat" as far as rebuilding your M goes. Now, that doesn't mean that it's hopeless... just that you no longer have much say so on whether or not your W will stop the D proceedings.

I guess the best advice that I could give you is to continue to develop your relationship with Christ and find a couple of strong Christian men to meet with. Right now, the best thing that you can do for your M is to make yourself the best person that you can be in Jesus Christ...

Marriage counseling is a must and I'm glad to see that you are going to start... is your W going to go to MC with you?

HO, your W doesn't trust a word you say to her. Your actions are the only thing that she can "trust" right now... and you are going to have to be consistant with your actions over a long, long period of time before she will even think about trusting you again. If this sounds harsh, I'm sorry... but that's just the way it is.

It's up to YOU to PROVE to your W that you are trusworthy... I'm not going to even try to guess as to what your W will do, but I suspect that she served you with D papers to get your attention... and is going to wait and see what your ACTIONS are... Prove to her that you are up to the challenge and win her trust back.

It is possible to recover from adultry, but it isn't going to be easy... Find some strong Christian men and let them help you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Yes she is going to counseling with me. The counselor is meeting with individually first and then will meet with us together. I know that its a good sign that she is going to counseling with me. However, I am just really insecure because she is not ready to talk to me. I am hoping that at some point that she will pray with me and realize that I am sincere. Its just really, really tough not knowing what she is thinking.

The more pressure you put on her to stay with you, the more she will want to get away from you and more so in a situation where infidelity is involved. Show your remorse to your W as much as you can BUT also acknowledge that she has every right to divorce you and that you wouldn't blame her one bit if she did. This will show her that you accept the consequences of your actions and that you won't prevent her from exercising those consequences. If there is still love in her heart for you, this may show her that you truly are sincere and not just fearful of being left alone. But don't expect miracles to happen overnight because it is going to take a lot of patience and understanding on your part before she may be ready to recommit to rebuilding the marriage.

That's great news that your W is going to MC with you!

I want to address something you said... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, I am just really insecure because she is not ready to talk to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that you are insecure. Your W is more "insecure" than you are right now. Her world has just been turned upside down. If you continue with the "woe is me" attitude, you will only push your W further away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Its just really, really tough not knowing what she is thinking. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HO, I know it's tough for you right now... but it doesn't compare to how "tough" it is for your W. You had full knowledge of everything that went on during in the adulterous relationship. Your W knew nothing about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am hoping that at some point that she will pray with me and realize that I am sincere. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't hope. PRAY! Pray for your W... Pray for your Marriage. HO, you need to surround yourself with some strong Christian men to guide you. You stated that you have made a profession of faith... that's great. That's the first step... but you need to start learning and growing. Hopefully your ACTIONS will show your W that you are changing and that you are growing in your relationship with Christ... But just telling your W that you've accepted Christ isn't going to mean very much to her right now...

I know that much of what I've written here sounds harsh, but HO, you must understand that this isn't just an "Ooops Sorry! I'll never do it again" moment...

You don't have control on the outcome of this. Your Wife does. Commit yourself to Christ and follow the guidance of your MC... You can recover from this, but if you continue with the "poor me" attitude, you will just push your W further away.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>