I see there are several threads about people having a bad night last night. Not a good one for those in marital trouble I guess.

Anyway, I exposed the A to family, MIL, my parents and my brother and his W. My W is very pissed at me for that. MIL called this morning, and I guess, took my side and pissed the W off even more. She said she would leave me if I sent it, said she hates me, called me psycho, and an *******. She also emailed her aunt asking for a number to a lawyer she knows. My W may mean it. Today has been rough. We both said some pretty mean things last night and I appologized today and told her I didn't mean them, that they were said in anger. She didn't appologize for what she said. I spoke with the OM on the phone for about a half hour last night and we exchanged some words. My W sent him an email telling him she's sorry for the way I spoke to him when he was just as ****ty with me, but she doesn't care about that though.

I may have made a mistake by exposing this, but I guess if she truly feels this way then it probably wouldn't work out anyway.

It looks like my Marriage Isn't Forever?
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Don't worry that she was angry. She was just following the WS script. They all get angry when you try to bring the A to the light of day and take away all their fun. She'll get over it. Just know you did the right thing.

Hopefully, some others will chime in and tell you their experiences with this. But everything I have read, shows the exact same reactions from WS when the A was exposed.

Hang in there.

Marriage,

You did the right thing! I've read here several times the belief that secrets are what give power to an affair. I believe that.

So, hang in there. Hopefully, the fog will begin to lift, and she will see the OM - and their relationship - for what it is: nothing more than a fantasy.

I agree that your W was mad because you exposed her little fantasy to the light of day. Deep down she knows that what she is doing is wrong otherwise she would have not objected to you telling those closest to her. Now she knows that there is no way to deceive them and introduce the OM into their lives as 'good friend'. You did the right thing.

Thanks, I hope so. I really do want this to work, and don't think she does at this point. She thinks I did it so that I will "look like an innocent victim" and "come out smelling like a rose" in this whole matter. Her mother called and chewed her out, my W told of how I have mistreated her all these years. her mother called back a while later and I spoke to her. I told her that what my W told her about me was true and that I am not trying to be the innocent victim. I know the part I played in this mess, but I am trying to change that because I do want this M to work. I want to grow old with my W.

MIF?

I agree with all those above me. YOU NEEDED to air her dirtly laundry. I am constantly amazed when others hold it in as long as they do. i found my H in bed with the Nanny and I freaked out big time. If I could have found the baby I would have taken the children and left with out them knowing that I caught them (okay listening behind a closed door, same thing). Once I had the kids I went to work, picked up my stuff took day off. Knowing I was not in any state of mind to deal with my 3 kids, I picked the oldest up from school and my mom took 2/3 for the weekend (the baby was 3 months old and nursing, so I was blessed to be stuck with him). I used my phone and called EVERYONE, my parents, his, hers, friends, the only person I did not tell was our boss (my second job was with H and OW at a resturant) because I did not want my H to lose his job. I called boss and quit, implied to H that I did tell boss, so he ran up there to tell his side, and found out I did not tell him anything, but still blames me for losing his job. Anyway point, he could not lie to others, they knew the truth. Believe me they tried to lie, but they could not. They lost friends and was forced to the public light as soon as I knew for sure. H told me he hated me and that sealed the deal, we would NEVER get back together. Spent all his time with her, did not work, or spend time with the kids, nothing but tell me how horriable I was and that we were 100% over. Point, we have been back together (good or bad) since last February. So if your marriage is what you want, sit down, strap in and be ready for one heck of a ride.

It's already been a helluva ride, but I am sure that was just a warm up. I told her I loved her this morning and she said she loved me too, but she was just angry with me. I hugged her several times and at first didn't get much response, but she eventually hugged back. The kids had a Halloween party at school that she went to help out with and as she left she approached me and gave me a hug! I told her thank you for hugging me and she replied "I'm not that cold hearted". Maybe there is hope. I juat am having a hard time coping right now. I want this to work sooooo bad. I am mad at myself that I didn't make the changes in me a long time ago. She says she is skepticle of my "new" attitude toward us which I can understand completely. I don't really know where she stands as far as if she wants to try and make it work or not. I can only hope. It is good to hear the stories from others here and see that there have been many who have walked this path before me and there will be many behind me. It is encouraging to find that a lot have made it work out in the end too. I got to try and keep a positive attitude.

MIF?

Let me ask this...

I know my W will continue to contact the OM. I have told her it hurts me when she does that, and explained why I wish she wouldn't. I don't think we can truly begin to recover until she puts him behind her. She said she understands, but doesn't think she can put him out of her life. Anyway, do I ask my W if she has contacted the OM or should I just let it go knowing it most likely is happening?

I also have this urge to constantly ask my W if she wants a D or not. I guess I am looking for a sign that she does want to work this out and does think we can fix what is wrong. I am guessing I should stop being so worrysome too, right?

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

She has to establish a No Contact with the OM for the marriage to work. As long as he is the picture it will be very hard to save the marriage.

As far as exposure, you did the right thing. I had doubts about exposing my WH's A, but I did in a loving matter. I told everyone that I'm doing this to save my marriage and I will not be enabler to their affair. As long as the A is a secret, it a fantasy for them. When its out in the open, they have to suffer the consequences of what they have done and it becomes a reality not a fantasy. Which takes the excitement of A away.

When I found out about my W's A. I told everyone... even people I didn't know very well. I kinda got a bit carried away but it was very therapeutic for me. She, however, is still extremely pissed about that (been separated almost 4 months since) and still thinks I'm manipulating everyone into turning against her instead of taking responsibility for her own actions.

Just thought I'd let you know, since you may be in for the long haul. I can't understand how I can be the bad guy for talking. If she didn't want people to think what they think about her then she shouldn't have done it should she? The truth hurts but I guess in the fog they don't see it...

Good luck! I hope her fog lifts soon.

Start reading up on Plan A and Plan B. You need to start with Plan A. Under Plan A assume she is still talking to OM, so there is no need to constantly bring it up. And don't bring up any relationship or D talk right now. She is still in the fog and it won't do any good. Set your time line for this and if she is still sitting on the fence at the end of this then it is time to move to Plan B. This is hard, but there are so many stories on the board here of this working. Keep posting and asking questions.

Thanks, Kloe72

That's what I was wondering. I just don't want to alienate her and make her more upset with me than she already is. I figured my continued asking about this would do that. Then I wondered, though, if I don't ask then maybe she will start thinking I have accepted what they are doing and am ok with that when I am not.

As far as asking her where her head and heart are about fixing our marriage, I am just so insecure right now and want to know how she feels. I need to hear her tell me she wants to work this out. This limbo is killing me, and it's only been this limbo for about 16 hours now.

MIF?

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

Exposure is a great step. I wish I had done it more quickly and thoroughly.

Read up on Plan A. Don't initiate relationship talk, but do tell her that talking to or having ANY contact with the OM hurts you, your M and your family. She is CHEATING on you and her family each time she gives anything of herself to the OM. You do need to confront if you find evidence of contact.

Remember that until the A is ended, your M isn't going to recover. YOu are kind of in a holding pattern, working on yourself and showing your W how great things CAN be with YOU. But the M with YOU is based on fidelity and honesty. Those are the vows you took and that is the M you want to be in, right?

Hang in there. You are taking the right steps. Just back off on the R questions etc. Pray, read, meditate, talk to friends and family when you feel down, play with your kids, DO things for your W. Let this thing play out with the OM regarding the exposure.

BTW, what about exposure in the OM's life? His W, friends, family etc.

mif,

I'm very proud that you had the courage to expose your wife's affair....it is without question...the most difficult part of Plan A to convince people to do. It is also the MOST powerful weapon the marital arsenal to fight infidelity because it destroys it's power source....secrecy! Helloooooooo sunshine!!! I helped you with that letter and it was done lovingly and without vindictiveness. From my experience....the anger is short lived IF it is done in this way, and you continue to confront the issue of the affair WITHOUT lots of threats or R talks. Tell her much it hurts you when contact occurs, and how important it is for no contact if your marriage is to survive. Continue to make respectful requests that she end contact and enter marriage counseling...but recognize that you CANNOT control her and that if you try to...she'll bolt. Let this work for you. Let the folks you sent this too show their concern. Good for you for not painting yourself as the victim....that will work very much in your favor. I'm very encouraged by the events of the day. Hang in ther my friend...you done good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do tell her how much it hurts, I just don't want to overdo it if you know what I mean. We are in counselling so that is a plus. That is if she still wants to go with me. I have an IC on Mon. then we will go back together the following visit. I just hope they can get us in a little quicker. He is a busy Dr. and it's been 2 weeks since my W's IC.

Thanks again for the advice

Also, I'm glad sombody is encouraged about todays events <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know I don't feel that encouraged right now.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>