fooling myself. I posted my story a few weeks back, so I guess what follows is an update. We never quite married, but hey, that's what we're here to build, right?<P>I moved out on Aug 26, and it's been nice to be in my own place, and certainly nicer than lying awake next to my 3 yr old waiting for her to get back from a night out with the OM. She chopped her hair off the day after I moved. Things have been really pleasant between us for the past month: no real LBusters to speak of.<P>Last week was interesting though. On Mon night, she and our daughter took me out for my birthday. It was a nice meal, with safe topics of conversation (meaning school, work, and other people's problems). As we got to our vehicles, she asked if I would come over and help her out with some of her coursework. I said "Sure I will" and went over. She sat very close, there was a lot of casual body contact/eye contact, and some laughter and conversation, in addition to the serious work at hand. The little girl asked
"daddy, are you spending the night tonight?" OUCH! We both had to say no to that one. R thanked me and gave me a nice hug as I left.<P>When I saw my therapist on Wed morning, she seemed excited at all of these signs: the haircut, initiating contact with me, etc. She encouraged me to keep it up and just continue to "play nicely." That evening at 7, the phone rang. It was R, and she wanted more help. So I went over again. And it was nice again. I fely really good when I left the house because I knew she would be thinking about me as she went to bed.<P>Friday night she went to a concert with her friend Shannon. Early Sat morning, I brought my little girl over to R's place so that I could go for my morning run with my training group. She wasn't there! My little girl started to get upset, and I said "Don't worry. She probably spent the night at Shannon's." She said that we should just go over there. I said I didn't know where Shannon lived. And then, trying to be helpful, my girl tried to recall all she could about Shannon's house: "Hmmmm," she said, "OM lives there too..."<P>The breath left my body, and that tingling sensation shot down all my limbs. I sped back to my place, and balanced my checkbook, trying hard not to explode. At 11, R finally returned home, and I took the little one over there. I was in no shape to be handling her solo, in that emotional state. R seemed shocked that I was even upset. Like, "you knew about this...."<P>I can't believe that after I sacrificed the two nights earlier that week to help her out, she couldn't even be there to watch D while I did something alone for a couple of hours! Hearing the revelation about Shannon's aptment blew me away too. How many times before had I heard, "I'm going to Shannon's" and was relieved because it was a female friend. The half-truth hurts!<P>And the revelation also forced the betrayal back into my face. I guess I had buried it and denied it to myself pretty quickly. Like pulling the scab off your knee, and feeling the warm, red blood trickle afresh.<P>Some of you have endured for more than a year, and I respect you all for it. I just hurt real bad this weekend. I want another woman. Or to swim in a river of beer and cigs. Or to be alone and not have to care for my daughter alone.<P>S#!t.<P>Eric<P>
