Well H said he wanted to separate last night. He has been going back and forth about staying and working out the marriage or needing to separate for the past 12 weeks. Every little spat we had just caused us to fall deeper into this hole. Not for me, but for him. Course I didn't help any with bringing it up every other day. I kept trying to fix our marriage. He feels that he can't make me happy, that he has been hurt to many times, that he can't trust again and doesn't really even know that he wants too.

I e-mailed him this morning and asked him to reconsider. I gave him the many reasons that I've listed over past 12 weeks to him. He responded with, "Give me a day to think about it. We will talk about it tonight or this weekend, that ok?" So I said yes.

Told him that he'd have to come to me when he wanted to talk, because I was gonna let it go. That I thought I'd had pushed him to a decision last night anyhow. (We slept separatly last night) So, I just told him all he had to do was just come back to bed. That would be the answer to my question. I tried to allow a no pressure answer to a high pressure situation.

I don't know what to do. I love him so much. I cheated on him 4 years ago with a few short affairs in a like 6 month window. We separated then but got back together because he knew he could be happy after a road to recovery. We got pregant with our beautiful daughter a few months of living as husband and wife. She is about to turn 3 end of the year. Things were going great. Was pregnant last year with our son. Was on bed rest from June of last year unti he was born October 16, 2003. In the last few months of my pregnancy I was depressed and hubby wasn't there emotionally. I needed a male to talk to. Talked to an ex. An ex that my H hates. It got a little more personal in the e-mails than it should have. Never saw him or talked to him on the phone. I ended it before I had my son. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and wanted to stop. Well, in February (5 months later) H found some of those e-mails in my e-mail trash. He never told me. He held all of that in and let it eat at him and our marriage until 12 weeks ago. We've been down hill ever since.

H thinks we are beyond any sort of recovery. Won't do counseling, not even IC. I've gone 4 times to IC.

I want to work this out, he doesn't. Will this seperation help? Even if only in same house different beds?

LW, a seperation won't help at all, they more often than not end in divorce. But that might be his best option. Its hard enough for folks to get over ONE affair, most cannot deal with multiple affairs as your H is faced with.

I don't know what to tell you. If he does find it in himself to stay, I hope you can appreciate that most folks would not. Your best chance is to stop arguing with him and giving him ultimatums. I would work double-time to convince him it won't happen again. It will take months, years to ever establish trust again so just know that you are in for a very long recovery period.

The only advice I could give you right now, would be, regardless of what your H does, show him as much as you can in actions, not words
about how serious you are in dealing with these problems you have. Keep up with the IC. Work on fixing you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingWifeInTexas:
<strong>

H thinks we are beyond any sort of recovery. Won't do counseling, not even IC. I've gone 4 times to IC.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">P.S. I do think you are on the right track by going into counseling. You need to find out why you keep doing this. However, I don't see that he needs any counseling.

Don't put ANY pressure on him to remain married to you because it will only drive him further away from you. Right now don't tell him 'I love you' because he will not beleive you one bit and will feel that you are only telling saying it because you are afraid of losing him. Instead, try to let him know that you understand his distrust of you and if you were in his shoes that you also would feel the same way [empathy]. Let him know when and where you are at all times [accountability]. And lastly, remember that unlike you he is probably not going to want to talk about his feelings ad-nauseum so back off when you see him reaching a point of stonewalling.

You have a long road and you will need tons of patience and understanding if you truly want to save and rebuild your marriage.

Thank you for posting to me.

I have caused trust issues with him. I only state that he could benefit from counseling to help himself work through all of his hurt. I cheated on him 4 years ago. He is as hurt by it today as he was then. I don't think anyone can heal from that on their own. A counselor could at least help him towards the peace "inside" that he deserves.

I have pushed him...by talking about it and asking questions. Although people told me to just not talk about it...stay positive...etc...

I never did that. Now he has walls up even higher. I'm going to try and just come in here to MBer's and post my feelings instead of hounding him.

Well day three of our "separate" lives. Last night was the hardest for me. It is the first time we've ever sleeped more than two nights away from each other. It seems very easy for him though.
I make him cringe, tighten up, pull away. He just wants out and to be as far away from me as he can be. The only thing keeping us in the house he said is money...and his kids.

If money wasn't an object, he'd be long gone. Probably already seeing somebody. He says he wants that to be apart of our agreement in our separation?!!!????
I told him I couldn't...we are married and married until YOU divorce me. I can't and won't be able to think about anything else but how to save my marriage.

LWIT,

I posted to your other thread on the Recovery page...

You've gotten some great advice.... I hope that you will soon come to the realization that YOU are not in control of whether or not your H decides to rebuild the M with you. I'm sorry to say that you lost that control when you decided to have an A.

Now, having said that, I want to also say that it's not impossible to recover from this. My W had multiple A's during our first three years of M. I always had the option of leaving her... but I chose to stay.

You must give your H that choice. Begging him to go to MC, trying to "fix" things will only ring hollow with him. He must decide what he wants to do... and the best thing that you can do is follow the advice that the others have given you and back off with the relationship "fixing" actions, and start showing your H that you are working on yourself.

Semper Fi,
RIF90