I've gone totally dark from WH. The kids aren't talking to him, I'm not talking to him.

The last communication was a short conversation this morning concerning our mortgage. Ugly, ugly, ugly. He is right back to where he was before he came home. He's so incredibly out of touch with reality.....can't take MY drama, doesn't see why this not being in SAT is so important, etc. I can't believe he doesn't hear himself. He wasn't even this bad before. I just sat there listening to him yell (unlike the old husband), swear (again, odd) and say the most incredible bull I've ever heard come out of his mouth.

So, I hung up and sent the following letter. It's not a PLAN B letter in MB princible. Rather, it's something I want him to look at later, after I'm gone and he's living in his self-made hell. I want him to see it and know the truth of it. Even if he deletes it though, I felt better for writing it and pushing send.

I am putting our house up for sale next week. I am looking at jobs in and out of state. Our phone number was changed this afternoon and he's screened off of my cell.

Would I ever take him back. I hate to say it, but it is a possibility. So is my winning the Powerball. I'm hoping for the second option happening soon! I just can't put us through the process of his hitting bottom. He'll need to come out of it himself, without any help. His family won't give it to him and neither will I. The amount of work it would take to fit back into this family is not something the man I listened to this morning would undertake. Good riddance.

I have documented each step of the last 10 months. From the beginning of the A, to the filing of divorce, their letters and pictures, his visit here and his leaving. Every bank statement, cell phone call and bill is in a little folder. This is called abandonment. Willful and deliberate. I'm making sure that if it ever becomes an issue, it is fully evidenced.

I've got so much to do that I'm hoping this process will be easier. I can't just keep hoping he's going to suddenly go "TADA - I'm a changed man." He's not a person I would be a friend with, let alone be my partner and father to our children.

This is the letter.

*****************************************
I opened this Yahoo! account the day you went down to withdraw the divorce papers; the day our family was supposed to be whole again.

You had said you might have to go for a while but you wanted us to keep in contact everyday by phone and email. You wanted us to send pictures of ourselves back and forth.

Since you left, two weeks ago today, that has all kind of crumbled. Two weeks. A whole world of difference. I know you told me, just this morning, that you still love me. I still love you too, Sergio. The problem is that we just can't be together while you are there, with Carrie. Even though you tell me you're not with her everyday and that your contact with her is very limited, your actions scream differently.

We are currently at the point of losing everything we worked for during our ten years together, baby.

You say you need time. You say you don't want a divorce. You say you want this to work.

I want to believe that. I want to with my whole soul.

I look at these kids and can't help but see your eyes looking back at me each day. I know that watching Mateo is watching you as a child.

But you are not telling me truths. You are choosing to throw yourself, and us along with you, into chaos and evil.

We can't go with you there. I HAVE to think of these kids first. When I sat in bed last night, wondering, by myself, how to keep a roof over their heads, I was at the absolute lowest point I have ever been in my entire life.

That was the last time I will ever ask you back. Either come home and rebuild this family with me, or go away.

I love you. I love your strength and your dreams. I love your humor and your integrity. I love the way you love me and your children. I love the way you swing our children around and take them shopping with you, the way you get so excited about spoiling us and the look on your face when we do something unexpected for you.

I love the way we plan for our future and the way we've always gone after it however we needed to.

I love you. I love us. I love our family.

I love your family, who has taken me as their own.

But, WH, you have chosen to walk away from all that I love about you. Read over those things. They don't define you anymore. They could. THAT is who you are, baby. You are so many wonderful things and for whatever reason, you can't see and won't be that right now.

I want to believe in that man and be there with him as our children grow.

But, I must do what I have to for the family that is left here, honey.

I won't continue to allow myself and these kids to be put by the wayside.

I was ready to help you find yourself, with us. I am your wife, Sergio. We are one. We are fused by marriage and family. You can't do this without me because I AM part of you.

Something I want you to think about WH is this.... I have said it before but I want you to have it, written out for you to see.

Evil comes in many forms. It always looks good to the taker and is smooth with lies and deceit. When lies and deceit and double talk are commonplace, there is something evil afoot.

You know me, I've never gone with that whole "devil in my life" belief. Until now. I can see it around you. I can hear it. It has a hold on you that scares me.

When lies come so easily to EVERYONE you love, when deceit is the only avenue in which you can tell your family and loved ones about your day to day activities, there is evil in your life.

There is darkness and pain. Eating the apple was so much easier than just staying away from the forbidden fruit. The temptation towards evil is alluring and beautiful and feels so damn good.

But the repercussion of it are ugly and deadly. It ruins lives and relationships.

I beg you to look at how you are living your life RIGHT NOW. Is it in a way you want to talk to your dad at night and tell him about? Would you invite your mom to go through a day with you tomorrow? Would you advise your children to live your day like today?

If not, look at where you are heading. What path have you put yourself on and is it one you can live with in the end? Only you know that. But I ask you to stand back and look at yourself, this minute, objectively.

Are you making yourself into the father and husband you want to be? It is a dorky saying, but it's true. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

Today should be your stepping stone to tomorrow. Is it? If your tomorrow is to live without THIS family, to not be here day in and day out, to not be my husband and partner, then your step is true. You're path is steady if being the father to these three children and providing them with the love and family you promised two weeks ago, is not what you want.

But if that is not the path you want to take, if you are heading in the wrong direction, turn around. NOW.

Face your problems, stop running and walk towards this battle with me.

Those are the two paths ahead of you. You have put yourself at this fork in the road, honey.

Left or right. Right or wrong. Good or evil. Family or lonliness. You have to decide, are the only one who can decide, where to go.

I wish no more contact with you until and unless you are heading home. Until Carrie is gone from your life. Until you are on the right path and have made changes, tangible changes, in the husband and father you will be. I will not engage in these emotional tug-o-war's. I've let go.

I want you to not contact them until you can tell them, truly, what your plans are. If you're coming home, under the above conditions, GREAT. If not, make it quick, tell them, and let me put them back together. Right now they are counting you being home. They believe so innocently in the actions you asked of them, burning the divorce papers, and the promises of family you made.

That is one thing I may just never forgive you for. You gave it to them, and put yourself in the position to jeopordize it. You gave it and took it away. Even if you didn't do it with malice, you didn't protect yourself or them or me from it.

At this point, I guess that is all. You know that we had the chance for a wonderful marriage, you said so yourself. You asked me to wait for you and believe in you to be the husband you wanted to give to me.

Look at yourself right now and ask if this is the way to that man. Regardless of who you give yourself to, you still have to look in the mirror every morning. Is being with Carrie, at the expense of me and your children and your family, going to bring you joy? Will you be a better man for it, one that those who know and love you will be proud to call theirs?

You need to think on this. You need to act. You need to show me. If you choose to leave, then so be it. If not, then let me know how you will keep us. You need the plan. You need to work it out.

You need to fight for this if it is what you want.

I do love you, the shadow of you, but I am stronger than I thought. I will fight for me and for my children. They are the innocents. Not you. Not me. Not Carrie. Daugher. Daughter. Son. They are what matters. You and me together matter as the glue of this family. Separate, we are disposable.

Think about where you are, who you are and where you are going. Be sure when you take that step. It's a long, long road with no turning back.
*************************************************

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

Faith -

I have been going through the same thing for 22 months. My WH has been with OW the whole time, and living with her for the last year.

I completely gave up on my marriage, and I mean completely.

Here is the letter my WH left yesterday:

Believer - I think you are right - your husband is dead. I really don't know what you are waiting for as far as divorcing me. I have thrashed our marriage and I am sure completely lost your trust.

I am very sorry for the hurt I have caused you and others. I pray for God's forgiveness and am asking for yours. I have been praying also on what to do. Things have happened between OW and me, and we have gone our own way.

I believe in my heart I have gotten rid of a few demons, and I feel I have the strength and courage to do what is right.

Then the letter went on and on and on. So after 22 months, this thing is turning around. I hope that your sit will do the same.

Hang in there girl.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

FIM:

I have so much respect for you as a person it almost brings tears to my eyes (God, I am becoming a sap <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ). You are a strong, intelligent, caring woman who got dealt a bad hand with a F****** scumbag for a husband (sorry, I couldn't resist saying that, I apologize........well not really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I can only imagine the hell your husband will someday be in when he realizes that he has lost you and his children. TRUST ME, that day will come, it is only a matter of time. What I have realized lately is that God (or whatever higher power you may belive in) would NEVER give you something that you can't handle. He wouldn't. YOu have to believe that you will someday find another person to be your "soulmate". I think we all have to belive that, otherwise why even dream. I may be alone in my opinion on this and although I am ofcourse sad that you are dealing with all of thsi incredibly painful $hit, I am glad that you are dealing these consequences to your H. The man you "loved" is dead, and he may or not come back, but all that matters now is for you to remain with your head held high and know that you are a great person and mother, and someday all of this pain that you feel will fade. YOu probably know all of this already, but I just wanted to say this.

LM

Well, that was very powerful.

faithinme......

You are quite the woman. Quite.

Good planning, good expression of where you're at, good communication of how you see things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Faith -

I have been going through the same thing for 22 months. My WH has been with OW the whole time, and living with her for the last year.

I completely gave up on my marriage, and I mean completely.

Here is the letter my WH left yesterday:

Believer - I think you are right - your husband is dead. I really don't know what you are waiting for as far as divorcing me. I have thrashed our marriage and I am sure completely lost your trust.

I am very sorry for the hurt I have caused you and others. I pray for God's forgiveness and am asking for yours. I have been praying also on what to do. Things have happened between OW and me, and we have gone our own way.

I believe in my heart I have gotten rid of a few demons, and I feel I have the strength and courage to do what is right.

Then the letter went on and on and on. So after 22 months, this thing is turning around. I hope that your sit will do the same.

Hang in there girl. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer:

I have alot of respect for you BUT I am a littel concerned how you are taking this email. I think it is way too "convienent" that your Wh is "asking for forgiveness" when now him and his OW have "paretd". IF I didn't know better, i I almost think you are going to "take him back". What's up? YOu ok with all of this.

P.S/ Sorry FIM, I don't mena to threadjack you here.

LM - YOU THREADJACKER! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Don't go getting sappy! You'll make me cry! Thank you.

Believer - That's a big turn for him. Be careful. I know you will. Just saying it anyway.

Picklesaresour - Thank you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have always found that writing out my feelings is the best way to get them out of me to make room for whatever is bubblin' up next. It's the best therepy I've found, which is why I probably write so much here.

Know thyself FIM...

When you truely know yourself you have power to make true and good decisions.

I think this is one of the things that sets you apart from other BSs... you know who you are... and that footing gives you strength and power.

Be good to yourself.

One nit-picky question ... is it legally possible to sell your house without your H's co-signature?

Pep

I was wondering the same thing. I don't think you can sell it without his signature if he is also on the title.

No. I can't do it without him. But, seeing as he doesn't have a job, live here or have a way to pay the mortgage while he's out "finding himself" with the little OW in SAT, there won't be a whole heck of a lot of choice.

He could let it go to foreclosure eventually, I guess.

I'm going to have a friend in real estate look at the house and the comps in the area and give me an idea of what I can get from it. Then, I have a friend in the wholesale mortgage industry who will take a look at where we are in the house and if I can at least break even...we only moved in 2.5 years ago.

If I can get a decent price, he'll sign. He won't have much of a choice. Again, he could be a jerk, but it wouldn't be a good move for him...and he's ALL about him right now.

FiM,

Your letter lays out the truth to your WH magnificently. Sadly, one day, he will agree with everything you've written and admire the wisdom it displays. And it may be too late.

He has left you few options. You are doing what you must to protect your children. How he will interpret your actions to block him out, change the phone number, sell the house and get a full-time job can only be guesses right now. He might be frightened, be might be angry, but he will likely still justify (in his own mind) why he is in SAT. Eventually, he will loathe himself. It is all so sad.

I know that going to Plan B is hard (I never had to do it). But listen to those who have done it and be encouraged that, if nothing else, separating yourself from your H's chaos will bring you and the kids peace. Blessed, sweet peace. You certainly deserve that, FiM.

I'll be praying for you all.

~ Snow

Just another possiblity about the home.

If H won't be agreeable to selling it, if you don't get his cooperation, instead of heading for foreclosure

look into renting it out to cover mortgage, insurance and county taxes cost and you and the girls could find a less expensive place to live without your credit going further down the tube.

Just wondered Faith. You are a wonderfully articulate woman with a real gift for expressing yourself. Therefore people might look at your posts and think, wow, this lady is amazing and is handling it all so well. But haven't you had any of those terrible doubts and down periods. You never seem to allow yourself some misery and tears, or, if you do, you never share it.

I was also in the situation where I got nothing back from my WH so I had to go into self-preservation mode. But, 9 months on from discovery, I have had a really bad week which took me by surprise. I imagined I could only get stronger but had a cloud of doom and gloom following me around for 3 days this week. I wondered if I never really allowed myself to cry and grieve my loss properly in the early days so I've got some kind of belated reaction now! Who knows, but take care and keep busy. Isn't it amazing to think there's a little cyber lady in Hong Kong who checks in to see how you're doing each day!

Faith, did you find out if you could re-instate the divorce? Because if you can, that solves the sale of the house quickly and gets you out of the bind of destructive credit behavior your husband's been doing.

I did look into reinstating the divorce. It's not possible since he isn't willing to rejoin the petition. Even if does agree to rejoin, he would have to come in person. Dork.

Because we went before the commissioner, together, to have it jointly dismissed, we would have to do so to have it reinstated. Otherwise, while the petition itself can be reinstated, it wouldn't be a joint petition.

This is actually a good thing right now though. Financially, it's not the best. But, I'm looking at a job out of state. If there was a petition in progress or approved, I would have to have his written permission to take the kids out of state.

He's put me in a position to be able to move freely, stay covered through the military for insurance and further prove his abandonment.

For the time being, until I figure out what I am going to do to take care of the family, this is probably the best. He can't stop me from any decision I make concerning our living arrangement and as long as we are married and he's not here I can still make decisions on our joint assests.

It's not perfect and not a long term plan, but it's probably the best under the circumstances. His bank account is overdrawn, our joint account has been emptied into my account and any money coming in goes into my personal account. He's in another state, no job, no money, no working vehicle. He's got a broken down pick up, an old nasty trailer, himself and OW. That's about where he needs to be right now. His mom won't send him anything except the plane ticket.

A few days ago he had called to talk with me and ended up getting off the phone because he was getting frustrated. It seems he had borrowed OW's car to go to Houston, was an hour late to pick her up from work, was lost and about to run out of gas. He had no money to get gas so he was panicking he wouldn't find his way before he ran out.

She can put up with him. Let them fight the world together and be sad and misunderstood and in love together. She can take care of him. I'll keep our assets together somehow until I find a way to figure things out.

She can him. I'll have our life, our kids and our things. Should I move, I'll be having a huge garage sale. Mens clothes.....a buck a bag!

I win. Hands down. Sucker!!

Faith-you are doing all that you can. He is being so foolish. OK-I cried when I read this. He needs to hit bottom. Bet he doesn't know that his chances with OW are about 3%. Let him figure it out. It isn't his first affair either-how can you keep it together, he is acting like a child. Faith you have to do what you have to do. You have no other option at this point because he is giving you none. Much love to you and your kids and I'll even say a prayer for the "dork"-the good guy is in there somewhere. God Bless.

Oh yea-give the clothes to the salvation army and take the tax write off-you'd be better off!!

Last night, WH AND OW called my house.

I was having a Halloween get together at the house and he called the house and the cell, house and cell, back and fourth about five times. Finally, ignoring it was becoming more distracting than I wanted it to, so I picked up and said, "Hello".

"Hi honey".

"What?", I asked.

"I just wanted to talk with you and the girls."

"Well. The girls are busy with their friends and I'm entertaining. Goodnight."

"WAIT! So I can't talk to them?"

"No."

"You won't go get them so I can talk?"

"No."

Then, I hear the call waiting and look. It's OW!!!

So, I tell him, "Well, OW is calling on the other line."

"That's impossible!", he says a little panicked.

"Well, the name says, OW, and the phone number is......"

"Did you call her first."

"No. I have to go now."

"FIM, that wasn't too convincing."

"I need to go now. Goodbye."

And I hung up.

He didn't call again and neither did she.

But, right after the call, I took a picture of the caller id with my cell and sent it to him with a message that said.

"This call came in at 8:30. Same as yours. I insist that neither of you call again. The conditions for your contact were clearly laid out by email. Any contact by OW will result in legal action. I have reported her call to Quest via call tracing and am forwarding it to my legal counsel."

Idiot. He's told me before she would NEVER call. She's too levelheaded and understanding and blah blah blah. So, I wanted him to see the call came in.

Interesting to me that they both called at the same time. Trouble in the perfect relationship? Bumps in the road?

GOOD!!! They can reap what they sow.

I won't be answering another call though. I don't think I would have had I not had people here listening to the phones ring. Oh well. It has really served to show me that putting them out of my life is the right thing. They should be very happy together. They are very much alike. Liars. Cheats. Self-absorbed, life-sucking parasites.

On that note <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> we're going to carve some pumpkins <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good for you, FiM.

Your WH is now about to embark on a new dynamic, what we proudly call Plan B.

No more cake-eating for him. And some peace and serenity for you and your children.

If I was to guess, I'd say OW has dished out ultimatums. And in response he has resisted (more fence sitting). Hence fights and unhappiness in paradise.

I can guarantee you there is so much MORE to play out, FiM. Which I'm sure you know. Stay where you are at, Plan B, and remain there for yours and your childrens sanity and protection.

You did a great Plan A ... he has much to think about. And when those needs that you met, which were MANY, are no longer being met, he will have even more to think about.

God Bless you and your strength.
Jo

Oh FIM,

Keep having a good time with those kids and your friends and

I gotta say

your new signature quote is PERFECT!

FiM,

He'll think you called her and that is why Ms. Innocent was "calling you back." She'll lie, of course. Ah, who cares anyway.

You did the right thing with the cell phone pic and threatening the restraining order. Please follow though with your attorney on this.

BTW, did you ever get a hold of her CO? Might your attorney have more luck than you?

Hope you were able to settle your emotions down and enjoy the party.

~ Snow