Listening to Dr Laura the other day... she asked a woman who was considering a marriage proposal if she thought her possible future husband, "Would he swim through shark-infested waters to bring you a lemonaide?".

I think that is a good measuring stick for when it is time to end Plan B (once you get there)

I really respect your "plan". Awesome.

Pep

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

WOW!!!

I started reading about your situation from the first time I found out about MB and this site. You are such an inspiration. And your Plan A was unbelievable. I am about to write my Plan B letter to my WH who has not stopped A with OW and throws it in my face every chance he gets. You have once again inspired me to do what is best for me and my kids. Its not about him at all its about us and what is best for us. If he wants to continue to be this alien that I don't even recognize anymore, than I don't want to be with him. My life and my childern's lives will be better off in the long run, no matter what direction I need to take. Anything is better than where we are right now. Thank you. And I will be praying for you and your children.

FIM,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

What can I say... The kids are suffering. That's the way it always works. I'm sorry for them.

I recently finished reading The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, by Judith Wallerstein. I've probably mentioned it on every thread I've posted on recently. It had a huge impact on me. It's a sort of popular-style version of a report of a 25 year study of the effects of divorce on a group of children. When I read about what your 10-year-old did, I recognized again that the book is right on the money.

The thing is, the kids loose both parents in the divorce. Both parents are preoccupied with the conflict, and with establishing a new life for themselves. If Dad leaves, then Mom has to go to work - and both of them are gone. The kids are left with crumbs. They feel it like a ton of bricks falling on them.

Your 10-year-old is soon entering a critical phase of her life - leading up to puberty and she's learning how men and women relate to each other by the example of her parents.

I just wish there was some way of protecting her from all this.

-AD

FIM -

I still think this is going to come out just fine, but I think I would go into Plan B sooner. Plan A doesn't usually bring them back, it takes Plan B.

I would mention to WH that OW is likely to get pregnant and ruin her life.

FiM,

It reads like your dork wants to do things the way he wants to, whether you like it or not.

Question is: How are you going to keep him out of the house when he comes back on Thanksgiving and you go into Plan B?

Can you get a restraining order? What did he do with the trailer?

If you are offered that job out of state, maybe you should move there before he returns, without you telling him where you are. Now that is going dark!

Oh, the possibilities! But really, you have to find a way to keep him away from you when you go into your Plan B. Whether he reads the Plan B letter, or not.

FIM, you give me such inspiration. We can walk together in this path we are walking. I do have your number, I think, on the phone I amcarrying. I wil call you on my way home on Sunday...you take care...I think of you often girl!

Hi Faith, sounds like you had a terrible week. Your daughter is really suffering and what with all the sickness. Yuk. I'm sure I read in a previous post that you were no longer in touch with your mom but you said you are going to your family for Thanksgiving. Does this mean you and your mom are making a go of things? I do hope so. Because just as you want to give your WH another chance, maybe your mother deserves another go at being a mom/grandma.

You situation is unique and only you can decide whether or not there is any kind of future with WH. But his behaviour has been appalling and has obviously deeply affected your children (and you). So, speaking from my own experience, if you do decide to allow him back into your home, you must lay down boundaries and set them high. He will walk all over you if you don't. He shouldn't put one foot over the threshold if he is still in contact. It is so demeaning to be a wife, doing the washing, the cooking, the cleaning for him and he still believes it is ok to have a 'harmless little chat' with his lover. Don't get sucked into his petty drama any more than you have to. You are GORGEOUS in your photos. Believe in yourself. Don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk!!

I am happy you didn't file. Leave the dirty work to him. Just be there for your kids. That is all you can do. Put them first and the rest will follow.

I thought about the WS as someone with an illness and that helped a great deal. Faith, in a few years hopefully the two of you will be sitting by the fireplace and he will look at you with awe and think I do not deserve this great woman-I am going to make this up to her and the kids for the rest of my life. (THis is my situation now-go figure). I believe in my heart that this is possible, just weather the storm and do what is right for the kids. I put my feelings on the back burner for a long time, but then the miracle happened-all my needs were being met and I was once again in love and so was he.

I think you just need to hold it all together for the sake of the kids reguardless of what dork is doing. He will come around soon. THe fantasy bubble has broken and the OW is now on to his lies.

I know it is not fair and in many cases not a popular view, but hey-I'm Catholic. I am so glad you didn't file. Keep doing what you are doing-even if it is only for the kids for now. There will be plenty of time to change your mind later. This is again the dark before the dawn.

I believe in my heart that your H is in there and will come out again. Being overseas and approaching mid life has made him diconnect and it does take time for him to get back. OK-this is JMHO-I know it may not be as popular as others, but I think you just have to hang in there a while longer and do all that you can so that you can look at the kids and say I tried.

Again-I so agree with letting him file-he did this, let him fix it.

Just do what is in your heart. We love you faith. Prayers to you and the kids, OK and the dork too.

One more thing-I like the Thanksgiving plan-let him know what he is missing and then give him the letter when he leaves. Perfect.

It sounds like a good plan, FIM.

I remember sitting in the lawyers office with her telling me there was no reason or need to rush to D, she didn't think I was ready for D, that I still loved my H. I could file whenever I wanted....I had the forms and all the info. Meanwhile, she advised me on how to work out CS and alimony...what %/monies I could take from his paycheck. I am glad he was amenable, knowing he was guilty, he wanted to provide for his family without us suffering any hardship. We have our own company and I do the payroll. I had taken CS from employee's pay before when it had been court ordered so I knew how for the accounting. When he got his paycheck that was another dose of reality. (We don't have legal separation in FL.) I set up days fo the week that he needed to take out daughter to his apartment. Many times she would bring a friend with her to spend the night. That was another dose of reality....Can kind of cramp the style of their illicit, exciting A.

Our daughter, being the youngest, had the hardest time with our separations. I will never know if those would have been as difficult of years (until she was about 17) had we not had H's infidelity to deal with. Our oldest son stopped speaking to his Dad for a time...he was very angry with him.

I do believe that although our kids had their Dad's awful example of how a husband/father shouldn't behave that lasted about 4 yrs, there is now more hope for them avoiding some of the long term damage of his A's, than there would have been had we divorced. They got to see him turn it around and make amends.

I hope that happens with your H. It seems like he can't keep heading toward the train wreck forever.

It makes me so sad for you that he is still insistent about starting the job in SAT. Does that mean he won't actually be staying in SAT but traveling to South America as had been planned with this assignment?

I hope you will expose to OW's authorities as soon as you can without too much financial harm to your family.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 07:57 AM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
FIM - I would mention to WH that OW is likely to get pregnant and ruin her life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Allow me, Believer, to anticipate Dork's instant response to any voiced pregnancy concern...

"OW would NEVER do something like that! She's got too much integrity!!"

Wanna bet WAT's boat that I come pretty close?

Pep
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was very moved by your last post and I think you are on the right track. Your plan sounds great. As a Plan B veteran (3 months living with my parents and D in another state) I can tell you that Plan B can be as you described. It helped me a lot!

Take care.

Pep -

Naw - I wouldn't bet WAT's boat, because that is EXACTLY what he would say. Either that or there could be a "miracle" pregnancy while OW is supposedly using birth control.

Then she will give him the old "God must want us to be together" story.

Okay.....

I want in on the bet! I want to bet my WH's cell phones.

I pray that I LOSE!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

Goodmorning...just wanted to say hello and give you some moral support to start your day. Hope things go your way today.

I really want to thank everyone for their advice and encouragement.

I've been trying to really concentrate on work and spend as much time with the kids as possible the last week.

Dork is just as dorky as ever. I had mentioned that I was planning on just keeping up with the phone calls when he called and being light and breezy with him. I'm doing that, mostly.

He's not calling very often though. Of course, he's got something to say right off the bat like, "Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't call all day. I really want you to know I still want this to work out and I haven't changed my mind. I've been sick."

That was the line yesterday. The baby got an infection in his toe...ucky! It was all red and filled with pus. It had even started to streak. I had no idea until my daycare called me at work yesterday morning. So, I took him in, they lanced it and gave me an oral and topical antibiotic. I went to fill it and SURPRISE! WH had never finalized the paperwork after the baby was born with the military. And let me tell you, the system sucks as it is. My kids have been dropped as if they never existed in that darn system so many times.

So, the pharmacy had to charge me full price for the two prescriptions. I called WH, who for some reason <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> couldn't answer, and left a message that I needed him to take care of getting him signed up properly so I can be reimbursed for the medicines. I finally heard from him at 7 pm.

And that's the line I got. "I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you. I still feel the same about working things out. I was SICK and couldn't call."

As it happens, I was at a friends house when he called and sat there rolling my eyes as he talked. He said, "I'm going to make it up to you. I know you aren't going to hold your breath, but I swear I want to make you feel more secure and able to believe me."

Still haven't heard back from him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So, that's where he is. La-la land. Big dorky liar untrustworthy la-la land.

He says he's still coming here next weekend. Hmmm. Whatever.

As for his military status, I believe he's probably got himself on 30 day orders which automatically extend him for that timeframe. I don't think he's out really. I don't know for sure though.

I'm still planning on getting an apartment. As I've been cleaning, I'm packing his stuff and putting it out into the garage. I hope he's got a way to get it to SAT.

Last time I checked, you only got one carry-on and one checked baggage per person. Hmmm. Looks like my tax-deductible charitable giving line may be going up this year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So, nothing really has changed. He's a dork. I'm moving on and doing what I need to do. I'm not filing for divorce. I'm not putting my life on hold. I can live the same life free of his lies and chaos right now as I can with the divorce papers. So, that's what I'm doing.

I'm still doing up the house for Christmas before he gets here (if he shows up at all). I really want him to see what he has thrown down the toilet. A loving wife, three terrific kids, a home, traditions, love, security and my pumpkin cream cheese roll are going to be here... same as always. For us. He'll be the outsider.

Last night, I walked in the house and for the first time in over 10 years, felt complete ownership. Even with him being away for his work and the military, this has always been our home. I thought and said "we" and "us" for everything. But last night when I walked in after a meeting, the girls were sleeping on the couch and a fire was burning in the fireplace and I could still smell the dinner I had made earlier. And my only thought was "This is MY home and MY family."

I felt great last night. Liberated.

I don't always feel like that. But those moments of viewing life with the kids and me as the family are more frequent and not usually filled with sadness. Regret for what could have been maybe. But there is also a sense of adventure in it.

Anyway, I thought I'd let you all know that the bet up there is a suckers bet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Of course she's got too much integrity and is too smart to go and do something like get pregnant.

That's why she's sleeping with a married man. It's that darling integrity she's oozing with. How could anyone think such thoughts of Saint OW. (I could really use that pukey guy right now!)

So, I'm off to put the girls to bed. They are doing much better right now, especially Regina. She's still not talking with her dad, but she has opened up a lot to me and is loving the extra time we are spending together.

Glad you are feeling well, FIM.

I continue to watch your thread. You inspire me. And God knows, I NEED some inspiration.

I love your description of coming home to the sleeping kids, the fire in the fireplace, and the smell of good food in the air.

These are the things life is made of. Good things. Peaceful things. Truthful things.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

K

Hi FIM, I know the feeling of liberation. It's a great sensation. Unfortunately, it doesn't hang around long enough.

I have 3 kids like you. My absent husband tried to make me feel pity for OW. Her husband left her years back with a child to bring up all alone. She's smart and ambitious and I am 'just a housewife with a part-time job'. Well, poo to you because I like who I am and I love my family. I am moving house with my girls at the beginning of December and am really looking forward to my new start. I just keep taking little pigeon steps away from him and I truly believe it is his loss.

Glad to receive your update. TT

You said you were applying for jobs in your other field of expertise. How has that been going...any prospects? Do you think you will move out away?

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Hi Faith. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and your kids and hoping that you were doing OK. One day at a time. You are a strong woman and are doing the best you can. You are the only one walking in your shoes, so only you can choose your path. Just wanted to give you some support in case you checked in. Hugs-Jersey Girl