FIM -

You don't need to save him at all. Just save yourself and your children. Go on with your life, and make it a good one. Sometimes the fog is thick, but believe me, it wears off. My WH is such a mess that I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

Your husband will get there too. Protect your love for him.

FIM - Here is the Tricare web address-
http://www.tricare.osd.mil/. They have numbers for DEERS, and online help. If you don't get what you need, let me know. I work for a Navy Hospital.

Hi FIM
I have followed your story but I don't post often. I wanted to give you some suggestions on getting your son registered. You might try going to personnel on base, take little ones birth certificate and social security number they may be able to help you and a power of attorney if you still have one. If his dad did not put him on his page two then little one will not be enrolled in Deers. Not sure if this is the problem or not. You are a very strong person FIM, take care of yourself.

Faith,

She who must be obeyed just returned and told me all you have to do is to go into Ft. Lewis with your ID card and the baby's birth certificate, and you should be able to get him on DEERS. The Family Support Office should be able to steer you in the right direction.

Believer, trying2believe2 and RAG,

Thank you for the help. I am going to tackle it on Monday and hopefully get everything resolved.


My BIL called tonight to see how the kids and I are doing. I hate to see it, but WH has managed to run his family away from him. I never thought to hear some of the things I heard tonight from his brother.

My favorite line though?

"I hope he never tries to bring her around this family. I'll tell her to get her a$$ out of the driveway and back on the streets where she belongs."

Ouch. My BIL is not a PC person. He would do it. His mom and sister would tell him they'll pray for him and are disappointed in him and to not disrespect them by bringing her around.

His brother....I can see him saying just that.

Anyway, good night and thank you again for the help.

I have to tell you that that was the thing that brought WS back. His friend told him that he thought I would be remarried within two years and that someone else would be daddy to our kids. He said Jersey is a great girl. I am sure she will find someone very quickly. Totally woke him up, but it can't come from you. Someone else has to tell him. Oh, he'll figure it out on his own. Keep up the good work. I wish that I lived closer to you. I would love to be able to help you out. Hang in there. Hugs.

new jersey,

Thanks. He will figure it out one day. I know that. How could he not? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's day 5!

It's the little things sometimes that just make you proud of yourself!

I just wanted to say goodmorning. Goodmorning!

OK go get all that stuff done. The kids are almost out of school...YIKES!!

Hope you have a wonderful day!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
The girls will be home for calls from you each Sunday at 7 pm, PST.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

** big sigh **

I am seeing my lawyer to start the process for divorce (again) tomorrow.

Whew.

STBXH is planning on coming to the area for Christmas and I have asked him to join the petition. He's saying he won't join because he thinks there is still a chance, but in the end I hope he'll agree to. Either way, by the first of the year the papers will be filed with the court and the 90 day waiting period starts (again).

At this point, I can honestly say I have tried. He is absolutely unwilling right now to make even one choice for his family.

I found out this afternoon that he deposited three unemployment checks on November 12th....then spent the money at Hot Topic (on tongue rings...$80.00....remember he got one in July when he first visited OW), TJ Max, Target (300.00) a few 200 or 300 dollar withdrawals. Hmmm. This is just days before OW supposedly was deployed.

These are checks he has been telling me he never received...and therefore never contributed to the family. He's been "waiting" on them. He says he had only received one check since he left in Oct. And I, wanting to believe it, gave him the benefit of the doubt. I just couldn't see him not sending money for his children.

I do not know this man. I can see the "fog" surrounding him. But frankly, I don't trust him to be a man anymore.

He's a child running around with a child running from every responsibility.

I stayed at home today with the baby and just let myself be sad. I wouldn't have chosen this lot, but it has been given to me and I need to do the best with it that I can.

For me, at this point, that means walking away. I considered not filing and just going along this way...separated...until he did it. But you know what? I need to take control of this life of mine. I know that regardless of who filed, he chose to end the marriage.

I chose to end the misery of the wait.

So, I'm filing. This journey has helped to make me a much better person though. I wish it could have saved this family and my marriage, but I can not do it by myself. Even if I could, I wouldn't want that marriage.

I'm not even going to START thinking about a life with someone else yet. BUT I know that eventually I will have one. It's funny to me that someone else will reap the benefits of the transformation this pain has caused.

It would have been wonderful to have gone through this together and come out the other side stronger for it.

Whatever path I end up taking in the end, will lead to a better life in part because of what he chose to throw away.

Strange how life can work out.

I love this quote:

We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned,
so as to have the life that is awaiting us.

Joseph Campbell

I'm going to start towards what is awaiting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FIM -

Sorry it is turning out the way it is. I would definitely see a lawyer. My WH is like yours, lying about money, spending it, no responsibilities, no cares.

He has gone through most of our money and now is poised to swoop in for the rest of it. I'm stopping that though.

I sing what was lost and dread what was won,
I walk in a battle fought over again,
My king a lost king, and lost soldiers my men,
Feet to the Rising and Setting may run,
They always beat on the same small stone.

[What was lost..Yeats]

Noodle

FIM, you don't divorce because you cannot wait... even not in order 'to take control' of your life (you can take control of your M but not your life itself, if you rush before the right time for you come)... but when you are ready...

And I don't think you are yet...

Well,

financial abandonment really does act as a straw that will 'break the camels back' in willingness to rebuild.

How can a person leave a family to flail around to survive financially and ever be worthy of rebuilding that unit?

I actually understand completely your consideration of the big picture here FIM.

PEACE to you during this difficult time!

Wasn't the reason for him going to SAT because he was taking a job that would require him to travel to South America? He doesn't have a job? So the only reason he went there was to be with OW?
Or was the unemployment from the time before going to SAT? I am a bit confused.

If he doesn't have a job there then if he was at all serious about rebuilding with you he'd be where you are. I guess it has all been lies. Par for the course with a WS.

If filing will help to protect you financially, then okay. Otherwise, it still doesn't seem like a long enough time. I know it is difficult to be patient and hope that he will come out of the fog and become again a man of integrity and honor you can be proud of. It is all so sad.

Have you still been applying for higher paying jobs in your profession? It must be so stressful for you to make ends meet and still be there for your kids and especially the needs of your baby.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trix:
<strong> Wasn't the reason for him going to SAT because he was taking a job that would require him to travel to South America? He doesn't have a job? So the only reason he went there was to be with OW?
Or was the unemployment from the time before going to SAT? I am a bit confused.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The reason he GAVE for going to SAT was for a job. Of course, he also said he was out of contact with OW and was changing his cell phone so she couldn't get through to him.

ACTUALLY, he had no job prospect, spent a few thousand dollars on the trip, blew the alternator and transmission in MY pickup on the drive and met OW in LA and they drove the rest of the way to SAT together.

It was all a set up. The lies haven't stopped, but the money has.

He was getting unemployment benefits as of September. Then, when he left, he transferred it out of state and kept telling me that there were mistakes and he hadn't got a single one <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It looks as if it took about three weeks to catch the payments up. On Nov. 12th, there were three checks deposited.....

OH WAIT....that's a BANK MISTAKE! That deposit wasn't ever made. How in the world did THAT show up.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Apparently, Bank of America has it out for Dork and just happened to know the exact amount (it's an odd number) that he would get and decided to show a deposit for the exact amount to screw with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (Sorry, that needed an extra eye roll.)

Jeez. That neon "Idiot" sign on my head must be flashing again.

So anyway, in summary, he left his family - including the children he had already been parted from for a year - traveled across the country, met up with OW, and has been living pretty much responsibility and care free for the past two months.

Oh...and he's been keeping up with his "contacts" there for a job.

For me, I am still looking for a job and desperately need to work full time. It has to be the right job though. I have to make enough to come out ahead after daycare expenses for three kids.

It'll work out though. I have no flippin' idea how, but it will.

I, of course, have an analogy for how I feel about this.

It's like I've got this picture of a beautiful cake in front of me. I know I have the skill to make it. I know I've got the ingredients and the oven and everything I need to make it.

I just don't have the recipe yet. I don't know how to put it all together.

So, I need to find my recipe.

FIM, I've been reading your posts since the beginning. Your strength is amazing, and an inspiration to me.

Even when my husband left me for the OW, he always paid the bills, and never did anything to hurt us financially.

Isn't what yourhusband has done called child abandonment? Can't charges be filed for that sort of thing? Even if you don't file for divorce? What does your lawyer say about this?

My H also always made sure we had money for the bills; even at the height of his A and lying. He was stashing money, he wasn't concentrating on our business, he was more irresponsible than he normally was but....big but...he still didn't stop caring that we were supported. All of us have various degrees of our crosses to bear. Yours is a bit harder than mine...also your kids are younger than mine were at the time.

I think your positive attitude it so great. You really have me believing you and the kids will be okay. I sure hope you find that perfect job so you won't have to worry about paying your bills.

How the OW thinks this guy is a prize is beyond me...she is as lost as he is. Maybe you should inform her parents about just what a great catch he is. What is to stop him from getting her preg. and then abandoning her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
He was getting unemployment benefits as of September. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell me if I am wrong.

State of Oregon pays him the unemployment benifits? Yes?

If he moves out of Oregon ... what happends? Aren't the benifits for in-state residents only?

Pep

Pep - I'm in Washington, but I think it's the same in Oregon too....because he worked in Washington, his unemployment benefits were paid into Washington State Unemployment but you can transfer those benfits out of state as long as you are still meeting all of the criteria.


This experience has shown me that it is impossible to guess how a person will react during an affair. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would have thought him capable of what he is doing right now. He has NEVER not supported us or done everything he could to provide well for our children.

It is a testament to how far he has gone to the dark side. He's not Dork anymore...he's Darth.

What he has done IS considered abandonment. This state is a no fault state for divorce, but the circumstances and precident he has set are going to be in my favor when it comes to custody issues. I am asking for 100% control over all issues concerning the children, no overnight visitation and that he not under any circumstances expose them to OW. I simply do not trust him to make good decisions anymore.