I have a question I would like Betrayed spouses (or wayward spouses) to answer if you don't mind. When you went through your WS affair and there was exposure to family and friends and (in all probablity) FALSE recoveries how did your family take it. More importantly, when you "took" your WS back after all of this how did you feel with respect to other people knowing all of this. Did you feel embarassed, shame etc...? I just guess it seems odd to me that maybe most of you on this MB are "different". It just seems so many of you have a great ability to block everyone and evrything out all in the name of remaining in your marriage. It is human nature to "care what people think" but almost not so on this MB. I just find it so hard to believe that you didn't feel shame or utter despair and humiliation and feel "weak" in taking back your WS. I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE HERE, I AM JUST TRYING TO SEE WHY I FEEL SO DIFFERENTLY THAN MOST OF YOU WHO SEEM TO BE ABLE TO IGNORE WHAT OTHERS THINK INCLUDING FAMILY AND FRIENDS. Could any of you shed some light on this for me. I don't know why I just can't agree with most poeple on here regarding this "recovery" program. Also, how do your WS deal with life in "recovery" after everyone knows. Is it all "peaches and cream" in "recovery" or are there still feelings of guilt, shame and embarssment by the WS. How do you as a couple deal with friends and couples and familt get togethers. PLease clue me in (as I am cluless here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Thank you in advance for your contributions to this thread.

LM

LM,

This is quite a shotgun blast of Q’s. I count at least eight, but at least they are in a tight pattern.

I’ll have to get back to you.

Any particular order of importance to them?

Well, I dumped my WS on D-Day. Told him to hit the road and called up my family and told them the marriage was over because he was a scumbag. I called the realtor and told her about H's affair and told her to put the house on the market ASAP.

Well, DH kept calling and calling and begged me to "go to counseling." So, I decided to go to a few sessions with him thinking that I could then say I "tried" when I dumped the bum. Anyway, here I am 4 years later with a wonderful marriage.

I was never embarrassed for taking him back, nor was I was embarrassed that people knew about it. I didn't do anything wrong so I had nothing to be embarrassed about.

He was embarrassed at first to face my family, but I just told him I had no intention of cutting off my family to accommodate his [rightful] embarrassment. He would have to get over it. Everyone was pretty nice to him with the exception of one sister who was seething with hatred towards him. She did grow to soften towards him, though, once she saw that he really did care about me.

And I know that my WS does feel shame and guilt about his affair and I almost feel sorry for him when it comes up! His OW IMed him recently and he told me it made him feel so ashamed to even think about it. I guess you never really get over it when you demean yourself so badly. He views as a "dark time" in his life.

Hi lemonman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For me, it has been easy dealing with friends. As my good friend, who visits here to see what is going on with everyone, says, she is there to support me as a friend in whatever I decide to do. She is a gem!

I work for a Catholic school so maybe there is a different general feeling among my co-workers.

Even those who say things like, "I couldn't do what you are doing", do so with respect...at least to my face <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think it helps that my WH was so well known too. This IS so completely unlike the man everyone knew that I think it is easier to accept that he is off in the head right now.

But I think the biggest thing is that the majority of my friends and family believe in my judgement. I've been lucky to be told over and over that whatever I choose, they will support. I am truly blessed.

I don't think I have lost the respect of those who know me. Those who do feel that way, don't really know me.

If I am to believe my friends, they respect the fact I have hung on so long and tried all I could. So, I haven't had to really deal with "not caring what people think". Yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE HERE, I AM JUST TRYING TO SEE WHY I FEEL SO DIFFERENTLY THAN MOST OF YOU WHO SEEM TO BE ABLE TO IGNORE WHAT OTHERS THINK INCLUDING FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
LM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">p.s. I don't ignore what others think, but I really care more about what *I* think. Really. The buck stops with the lady in the mirror. My friends and family don't have to live with my decision, I DO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Thos:
<strong> LM,

This is quite a shotgun blast of Q’s. I count at least eight, but at least they are in a tight pattern.

I’ll have to get back to you.

Any particular order of importance to them? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL, Thos. yeah I re-read my post and it is probably unrealistic for any person to answer all of these questions in a single post. I am most interested in knowing how the BS dealt with the knowledge that "everyone knows about the affair" and "waht are they thinking". I work in a large acadmic medical center where gossip is ramapant. I hate to say this, but people can be so damn cruel when discussing others pain (I am guilty of this myself) and am just so curious of how BS deal with this when they decide to take a WS back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate to say this, but people can be so damn cruel when discussing others pain (I am guilty of this myself) and am just so curious of how BS deal with this when they decide to take a WS back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But there is nothing to deal with if they are doing it behind your back! Just feel honored that you provided some entertainment fodder to gossip mongers. You provided a public service! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lemonman, FWW here. I'll answer, some will be on behalf of my H because I know how he would answer.

H told EVERYONE soon after D-day. He was in shock and needed to talk to people.

The OVERWHELMING and ONLY reaction was that people loved us both, were completely unjudgemental, wanted our m to work because they loved us both (see above), were very sad for us, hoped we'd work it out because they loved us both (see above).

H didn't give two patooties for whether people thought he was weak (not ONE single person thought he was weak). He loves me unconditionally (very rare in this day and age and very, very wonderful).

He took me back (I never physically left) against all the odds. I'd told him I was in love with the OM, I would leave if he came looking for me, it was an old flame from 30 years ago - so tons of history, I was convinced I had married the wrong man, rewrote our 30 year marriage, the lot.

FOG, FOG, FOG, FOG!!!!!! Everything I'd told myself, the rewriting etc etc was just so much crap.

What if he hadn't given me that chance, what if he hadn't Plan A'd his butt off? We'd be divorced and I wouldn't be in love with the best man on the planet (my H).

Jen

psssssssssssst, Kiwi, what are the Power Lottery #s for October 30?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mel LOL How's the hair????

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ:
<strong> Mel LOL How's the hair????

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jen </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very BIG! Did ya hear big hair is coming back, Jen??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thnaks for the responses. It really confirms what I have been thinking. We are all just different and the people at Marriage builders have some ability to block everything/everyone out in savging their marriage. I must also say that you guys seem to have incredible friends and family in that you guys get tons of support and almost NO judgements. I think that is all great for you, I just guess things in my family/area are different. Anyways, I guess I see now why I was so frustrated with all of this Plan A talk. I just don't think I will ever agree with the gist of this MB plan. That is ok though, I am leanring to hold back negative judgements to people and enjoying the forum anyway. Thanks.

LemonMan:

As a BH I don't agree with telling the world about the affair. I think this is one of the most private things that I can think of. Even if I was to get a divorce due to the affair I would probably make up a generic excuse. In other words my children, parents, in-laws, friends, ect would never know why I got divorced. I am surprised at how quickly some folks tell anyone who will listen.

Of course, my perspective is different. My wife dumped the OM on D-day and has been cooperative and committed to save the marriage. However, if that was not the case I could not tell others about the affair to see if i could get my wife back. I could not do it. In fact, the shame of knowing that the family knows would drive me to seek a divorce ASAP. The fact that my wife and I handled this matter privately has helped us a lot--------------- I am sure my wife agrees.

Even though 4/5 of my kids are grown they would suffer greatly if they ever learn there was a problem like that between my wife and me. They do not need to know this---- why cause them pain?

This Christmas will be 9 years post D-day.

Exposure... well I pretty much blurted everything out to my mother-in-law 5 minutes after I found out. We were staying in her house for the holidays. I told my parents a few days later after I had more details.

I told H, "You're out of here"... and he said the following, "I will do anything to change your mind."

I said, "I want you to confess to OW's H in front of me." The affair was with his childhood friend's wife... very brother-like history... made this affair almost incestuous.

He called OW's H and said, "We need to talk." It was arranged they meet at a coffee shop. I went too. H confessed and apologized to OW's H. This part of the story is too weird, and I don't share it often. OW's H was not surprised. He had read the love letters my H had sent to OW.... and never confronted his wife. We later surmised he was involved with someone outside the marriage himself, and the A between my H and his W was rather convenient.

What other people think of me was not a very big concern of mine, ever. I don't require much external validation. Never did.

My Mom died this year. We had hospice care. I took several weeks off work to care for her. She and I had many heart-to-heart talks. One thing she said to me was how proud she was that H and I were able to hold our M together .... she said, "That was not easy, but you both did what was necessary. I am proud of both of you." ... frankly, I was stunned.

My H took it upon himself to apologize to family members who had been hurt. My H was an active alcoholic at D-day... and his attending AA was one of my firm boundaries. Once H got his AA recovery on solid foundation, he did the "making amends" step required for his recovery. H truely is a changed man. H is a very HAPPY MAN now. He oozes happyness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . And, that is my biggest ace in the hole.... happy people do not have affairs.

Lemmon~~~~~ Do you still love your wife?

Pep

Stanley:

Thanks for the reply. I haven't seen many posts from you lately, how is work? I kind of feel the way you do, and feel that maybe you and I are in the minority. It seems that everyone's family and frineds is so supportive and nonjudgemental EXCEPT MINE. LOL. I was beginning to think that yet again I stood laone here at MB. Anyways, I think the only way that I could ever stay in a marriage after an affair is in a situation exactly as yours. A quick D-day and NC along with no plan A and WS remorse AND no family knowing. Does this make me a weak and self centered individual? maybe, but I am ok with that. I have to be honest and that is what this forum has done for me. Thanks for the repsonses.

Stanley, the purpose of exposure is the end the affair. If your W ended the affair on D-Day, there would be no need to tell anyone. I agree with your reasoning. To do so when the affair has been ended would just be punitive.

For me, I told my family because I needed their support and had already decided I didn't want the bum. I fully intended to divorce him.

Lemmon~~~~~ Do you still love your wife?

Well, in the sense of being "in love: NO. There is too much that has happened for me to ever love her "that way again". Ofcourse I have concern for her and have come far enough along that I may forgive her for this. Actually this is something that I will and need to do soon. However, I DON'T want to be married to her anymore and have no doubt or insecurities about that. To answer your question; DO I LOVE MY WIFE the way that you love your husband.......?the answer is a vehement NO.

Lemonman,

I wasn't embarassed. I was SHOCKED! Totally mouth-hangin'-opening dumbstruck. And I wasn't the one that cheated so I didn't feel I had anything to feel ashamed about. When I found out, I wasn't planning on sticking around anyway,,ya know the ol' "cheat on me once and you're gone" thing..so no,,I didn't care who knew. I still didn't care what anyone thought of ME when I decided to give this one last chance. Those that know me, trust my judgement,,,those that don't,,I don't care what they think.

I work in an organization that has a HUGEEE gossip mill too. When I hear others gossiping about a co-worker and if I'm with that group I don't hesitate to tell them "You have no idea what you'd really do until you walk in that persons shoes............."

Lemonman~~~

Did you love your wife to the best of your ability during your M?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Lemonman~~~

Did you love your wife to the best of your ability during your M?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I could have always "done better", but I think I did pretty well. She knows this and has already hit "rock bottom" in realizing how good she had it with me. She has begged for forgiveness and asked for another chance (she has had those already). She will never get another chance with me, BUT she will get forgiveness as both her and I need it to "heal'.

Let me ask you all a question. I think I am having so many many difficulties with people Plan A'ing here and going through so much turmoil to save a marriage that may not evem be worth saving. I get the feeling that popel here can't fathom why someone would NOT want to end a marriage after being betrayed. I almost feel like a pariah here. I guess this is actually a dumb question, becasue this is after all a marriage builders site... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . I love this board (this is horrifying revelation if any of you actually knew me in "real life" as an arrogant hard assed surgeon....LOL. I like posting here (and will continue to do so) but I would ask that if anyone knows of any other MB that may be better suited for my beliefs in all of this would pass them along. Thanks.

LM.