To my friends...

I did all the right things to win her back... BUT....

I just returned home from out-of-town travel and received Divorce Papers in the mail. Not just divorce papers...but "screw-you" divorce papers.

(Deep sigh)....crying..

2scared

2scared,

I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending you lots of sympathy and kind thoughts

I guess now you have to focus on you, and on healing yourself. You know that out of this terrible mess you will become a better and stronger person.

I'm sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself. I hope you have a good lawyer to protect you. I'm sure no words can help right now. Just know a lot of people out here are thinking of you.

2scared, I don't want to give you false hope, but it doesn't mean the end of the road. We have many here who did reconcile who were much closer to divorce than you are. So, whatever you do, don't do anything that would jeopardize your chances of reconciliation, such as dating, lovebusting, etc. Just hang in there. It ain't over until the big hair gal sings.

I know that we are suppose to view ourselves as M until the final paperwork is signed sealed and filed, HOWEVER I DISAGREE. Once the whole Divorce paperwork was started for me, I had already put my life on hold for 10 months. I made the decision to go out and start hanging out, or as some said I was dateing. I was not looking for a relationship, or empty sex- I was looking to have fun, and fun is what I did. I went dancing, bowling, got asked out (would only go as friends, but WH thought otherwise no matter what I told him) talked with people on the phone, made new friends. I started to move on, and that moved my WH back in my life so fast my head was spinning. He could not believe that I was doing so well with out him, with the three kids and all. He finally realized that he could lose me and did NOT want that to happen. SO all the plan A'ing and B'ing I did and all the crying and pleading and what ever I did just told him that I would wait forever so he could take his dear sweet time and have his fun with his little *****. I am not saying plan a and b do not work, they DO, however you are past that point. I say live your life and either it will bring her back or it won't, but you won't be mopeing around feeling bad for yourself, you will be having fun, enjoying life, and you will find your self-respect again. What do you have to lose but the misery itself?

Hang in there, I am not a good one to go to, but I still share my thoughts.

I am sorry for your pain

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

2scared.....

I'm so sorry for your pain.

But like Mel said....it ain't over til the big haired lady (with bell bottom pants) sings.

Stay before God. He knows your heart.

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I know that we are suppose to view ourselves as M until the final paperwork is signed sealed and filed, HOWEVER I DISAGREE. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ, I would only point out that what matters is WHAT IS, not how one "views" oneself. One is married until they are divorced, and married people should not be dating.

Not to mention the obvious moral problems, it causes unnecessary new issues and huge obstacles in potential reconcilations. Nor is it fair to the unsuspecting date partner to drag them into such a mess with a married person.

A BS who dates is doing nothing more than having an affair and is no better than the WS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
SO all the plan A'ing and B'ing I did and all the crying and pleading and what ever I did just told him that I would wait forever so he could take his dear sweet time and have his fun with his little *****. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Crying and pleading are not a part of either Plan A or Plan B. In case someone reading this does not understand.

Harley's state that if there is abuse or addiction in the M... Plan A and Plan B will not work.

Pep

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

2Scared,

I echo some of the posters that said for you to not give up. You want an example of the rewards of not giving up?, go read Hopeful_Person's latest threads. If she, who was the WW and got divorced, was able to reconquer her hard hearted XH's heart enough to want to get remarried to her, there is a good chance that you may achieve the same. I started a thread asking for Hopeful_Person to help you with her personal experiences and insights. She was here just recently celebrating the good news of her remarriage to her XH and I hope that she is still lurking. I will bump it as many times as it is necessary to get her attention.

KMEJ,

What you did was NOT in no way, shape or form betraying your marital vows because you were not seeking a relationship or sex on the side. What you did was implement one of the tactics that Dr. Robert Huizenga talks about in 7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From The Affair and Stop it NOW!. As you saw for yourself, your moving on with your life [in a healthy way] showed your WH that you would make it without him. Even Bob Pure stated in one of his posts, that during the height of his FWW's affair, he started going out [not with other women] and this caused his W to become alarmed that he was moving on with his life without her. Dr Huizenga is correct when he states:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"An interesting phenomenon I observe very frequently is that the spouse having the affair sends a subtle or not so subtle message that only he/she is allowed to have an extramarital relationship. It is his/her domain. If the offended partner begins a relationship with a person of the opposite sex the person having the affair may become jealous and disturbed, sometimes extremely so. Make sense? No, but then again, not much about affairs makes sense."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

What you did was NOT in no way, shape or form betraying your marital vows because you were not seeking a relationship or sex on the side. What you did was implement one of the tactics that Dr. Robert Huizenga talks about in </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM, I would agree that going out with friends and having fun is not a violation of marital vows, but dating sure as heck is. And that is the issue here. If a married person dates it is infidelity, regardless of whether or not they sleep together. A BS who dates is just as guilty as the WS. More adultery is not the solution to adultery.

2scared...read my post about horoscope. It is appropriate for you regardless of whether or not you are a Gemini.

Another thing that has helped: My WH's mom told me to write one positive thing I have done or been involved with each day in a journal. It has really helped me grow and realize what good I have done in life and what good I'll continue to do whether WH is by my side or not. I think you should do the same. You have rebounded from the fog and now live in complete sunshine...use this positivity to reflect back on all the good you have done these past few months, years and all the good you will do in forthcoming months, years.

I am thinking of ya.

-K

2scared, don't be.

Another bump in the road. A big, nasty bump, I know.

GC

(edited for BS/WS mixup - thanks noodle)

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

GC..

I think 2scared is the WS. So the abductee title may not apply.

2scared

Very sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worse. Regardless of the outcome, you have come a long way. Good luck.

--Noodle

I am sorry for your pain, BUT please don't take let yourself be "run over" and taken advantage of in the name of "not LB'ing". You have to protect yourself. YOU ACNNOT WIN BACK A SPOUSE WHO DOESN"T WANT A M WITH YOU........DESPITE WHAT PEOPLE WILL PREACH TO YOU. Ask God to help you deal with this and "let him help you". He will, trust me. Don't ask that he "save your marriage", ask that he save you. Your marriage is NOT your identity, it should not be what defines you. realize this and I think you will be fine. Good luck.

lemonman, do you realize that he is the wayward spouse? No one has taken advantage of him. It is his wife who has had to protect herself in this situation.

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> lemonman, do you realize that he is the wayward spouse? No one has taken advantage of him. It is his wife who has had to protect herself in this situation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well (Lemon man will now attempt to remove said foot from mouth)......Either way, you can't "save" a marriage as only one person. Good luck 2sad.

I agree, I tried, does not work, and is a miserable existance!!!

let me clear something up. I was NOT dateing. My friends were teasing me, actually pushing me to date, thinking that would help me get over my H.

I think it is okay to hang out with a member of the opposite sex if you are in groups. Or even to have dinner with them.

Also if the M is CLEARLY over and the paper work is well under way, I do not see an issue with dateing. My mom cheated on my dad, and she was living with the OM clear that nothing was going to change. Members at my dad's church (christian church, and it was encouraged) set him up with a nice lady going through the same thing, infedelity. They supported each other and even tried to help the other come up with ways to get their spouse back. Well the Divorce papers were filed, many mediations and court appearences later they figure out that they are never going to get back with their respective spouses. Long story short, it is now over 13 years later and my mom is happily married to the OM (not a great thing, but he is a great man who did a bad thing- took YEARS for me to be able to say/write that) and my dad and this lady are happily married as well.

Life does not stand still, you need to grasp it by the horns and go for the ride of your life- with-in moral limits.

Mel and Lemonman...and others-

First, my identity and life is not defined by the mistake I made. Whether I am tagged with the title of FWH, it is just one of the many titles that define who I am. I am also a loving, dedicated, compassionate and pretty dang cool father. Again...a descriptive title but not the sum of who I am. For all you who don't know me...I was the WH. I made a mistake and repented and returned with a passion to restore and renew a dysfunctional M. I am 100% responsible for the decision to have the A but NOT totally responsible for the condition of the M. So, although I am a FWH it does not make me a sub-human or less than the BS. We are ALL sinners saved by grace.

My problem was that my W decided that she didn't even want to try to rebuild. She for sure didn't want to examine the condition of the M. As we all know... One person cannot make a M reconcile. It takes two. I have been on my face broken and contrite for months trying to convince my W to offer a shred of hope. My faith leads me to hope that through God all things are possible...even restoring a M devistated by an A. Her response... "It ain't gonna happen...no way, get over it."

Now... she has filed for DV and wants to financially devestate me. My nature is to self-sacrifice and empoverish myself out of some guilt-ridden attempt to appease my wrong. I know I need to protect my future while still protecting hers, but there is a strong pull inside my gut to let her rip me up in some sick sacrifice.

I'm not sure how to balance the caring protection of the H within me toward my W and some self preservation that ensures my future.

It just seems easier and less guilty to lay down and become a door mat.

2scared

And... BTW, I have NO desire to date at this moment in time. Yikes... that's all I need, a second A. No thanks.

I would agree though that the fidelity of M extends until the DV is final...not just in paperwok status. IMHO.

2scared