Well after the last 5-6 weeks of hell, the roller coaster of emotions I have experienced about this mess that has turned my world upside down it happened several hours ago. My WW and I had a good discussion before I had to leave for work. It was a discussion with no LBing, just a caring discussion.

I told her:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I loved her</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want this marriage to work out</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry for the grief I have caused her all these years</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My two most important EN were affection and SF</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why I felt she needed to have NC with OM</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How it hurts me when she does have contact with OM</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How I am committed to change my actions to be the husband she always wanted</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How this whole situation had "opened my eyes" to my prior ways and I can see clearly now where I went so wrong, and how simple it really is.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How I felt bad about not "seeing" it sooner</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How I knew I can't make her commit to NC, that is something she will have to do on her own</font></li>

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I felt better after our talk, but as I was on my way to work. "It" happened. I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders and I felt at peace with the situation. I can not control what is going to happen with my M. I cannot make my WW stop contacting the OM, I honestly feel I have done all I can up to this point (ie expressing my feelings to her as I have been a piss poor communicator in the past, express my love for her) and have commited myself to change my ways. From here on out I will continue to work on "me" as I've read so many times here on the boards, and in the process show my WW I am serious about this and commited to her and our M. As the old saying goes </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is out of my hands now, My WW needs to decide what she wants. I have accepted the fact that she is continuing to contact the OM.

What I see happeing is one of the following:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She commits herself to me and we save our marriage</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She decides she has had enough and wants to move on and we divorce</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She drags it out so long my love for her slowly fades away and I can no longer take the hurt from her continued contact with OM and I walk away knowing I did all I could to save this M</font></li>

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I am at peace, I just hope it stays that way. I used to come to work and get sick to my stomach wondering IF she was contacting the OM. Now, I assume she is and I accept that, becasue I can not do anything to control it. This M is out of my hands at the present time. The only thing I can do is make our home a place that she enjoys being at, and me a person she enjoys being with. I will try to enjoy my children to the fullest because there may be a day real soon when I don't have the luxery to see them everyday.

For the first time in weeks I feel good. Now is the time to work on me. I feel like working out again, getting in shape. Been meaning to do that for a long time now anyway, maybe I can use this to spring that into action.

Thank you all here at MB for your advice, incite and occassional 2x4.

MIF?
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Hi MIF,

I'm glad that you've gotten to this point...

If you are still committed to rebuilding your M, then you need to continue to work on making yourself as attractive as you can to your W...

She will look for cracks in your declaration to her and if she's still with the OM, she will use any inconsistency to help justify her A. Don't give her any ammo to do this.

I guess the best advice that I can give you is to guard your heart and take what your W tells you at face value for now... and watch her ACTIONS... If her actions start to match her words over a long period of time, then your trust in her will slowly return.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 06:31 AM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>

When that point hit ME, I verbalised like this:

I WANT my FWW back but I don't NEED her back

This released me to a level of 'plan A' and self-improvement that I have never experienced before.

I realised I was there trying to rescue my M because I WANTED to to not because I NEEDED to.

I realised that I didn't have to put up with ONE MINUTES more abuse from her than I chose to.

I could TELL HER my boundaries and police them without fear of losing 'cos, well, I'd already lost her and had every hope of living well without her.

You name this moment well: it is a true epiphany.

Take a breath. Examine your wounds. Read up on stuff. Start the rest of your life as an empowered individual. Your WW can be a part of it if she chooses to behave in a way deserving of you.

Congratulations and THANK YOU GOD for delivering this moment to another of my despairing brothers !!!

Life won't be a cake walk from now on but it will be a WHOLE LOT better and more hopeful.

Rebuilding in Faith 90,
Good advice, thank you.

Bob Pure,
As always your words of wisdom ring true. I too feel that I am working to save this marriage because I WANT TO, not because I need to. I too, realise I have a little control in the fact that I do not have to put up with one more minute of abuse either. (She reads my messages here and will most likely take that comment the wrong way, so I will clarify for you sweetie, by abuse I mean your continued contact with him. It hurts me when you do that, I have told you it hurts me and you continue to do it anyway. That is what I mean by abuse.)

I too feel I have already lost her, I am not giving up the fight to get her back, but for now, I have lost. For the first time in weeks I feel good about me and I know I will survive this with or without her. I will be a better person either way.

Thanks again,

MIF?

Just an observation I made.

On Friday, prior to "my epiphany" I was carving pumpkins with my daughters. My heart really wasn't in it. All I could think about was how miserable my life had become and oh whoa is me. I started thinking about going trick-or-treating with them and how I wasn't in the mood to do that either. Several hours after this, while on my way to work I had "my epiphany". Well, they did trick-or-treating on Sat. here and when I awakend in the afternoon I was excited to go trick-or-treating. I was looking forward to taking them and watching them run up to the houses in their "princess" costumes and get candy! One thing I have always enjoyed doing in the past was sneaking rocks into their candy bags (like Charlie Brown). Then we have a good laugh when they dump their candy (and rocks) onto the floor to see what all they got. I never have told them that I was the one doing that to them either. Well, unfortunatley I didn't get the chance to sneak in any rocks. It was very windy and cold here and one of my twins fell down several times and hurt herself and didn't want to continue. So I ended up staying in the car with her while the other trick-or-treated. As a result they were happy that they didn't get any rocks this year, but I would have been happy to continue the joke with them.

Anyway, I babbling here. Just wanted to point out the change in my point of view as a result of my epiphany.

MIF?
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