I know this topic might belong on a different board, according to some, but it fits here too, because there is an inherent power in being "attractive" to a WS.

"A.S." isn't necessarily a skin-deep EN. It's about confidence, how we relate with other people, how much fun we seem to be having, how at peace with ourselves and others we seem to be...

I notice time and time again, that those trying to do "Plan A" are struggling with being an attractive spouse too. They are being pummelled by the behavior of the WS. The WS cares the least about the relationship, therefore has the most power in the relationship. Plan A turns this around. Someone who does an impeccible Plan A is no longer clingy, needy, tearful, etc. They laugh, have friends, clean a house, take care of themselves, and no longer revolve around a relationship they are powerless to change.

The balance of power shifts as a result. Attractive spouses inside and out become magnets, reminding the WS why they fell in love with their BS in the first place.

With the shift in power, I feel that as time passes and WS doesn't move to a stronger recovery, the "attractiveness" meter drops in proportion to the love bank meter. Look at Believer, Faithinme, Momof3Boys, etc. King Babies are not attractive husbands. Queen Babies are not either. But when the BS no longer revolves around what is drama and broken, and the shift in power occurs, suddenly it matters to the WS that they no longer "attract" the attention and devotion of their BS.

Be aware of this emotional need. It is not, as some people mistakenly believe, just a superficial emotional need that men use as license to beat their wives up for gaining weight after the babies come. So for those men who have read HNHN and done this, shape up - your behavior toward your wife is "unattractive" and would be classified as a selfish demand! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

P.S. This is my primary #1 emotional need. While I remain devoted to my husband, I crave confidence, self-assurance, kindness, fitness (a sign of self-care) and a consciousness to his appearance and behavior in public. These things mean I'm either attracted, or repulsed. It's hard to want to be close to someone who's behavior and appearance are unattractive.

Dear KaylaAndy,

Am I right that you are the BS?

I guess in a funny way the WS shows she/he is no longer in the market for others by not dressing up, keeping fit etc. Those are things they probably did while in the A. So they are also associated with the A, and with the pain the A caused the BS. A WS who becomes a FWS will try hard not to cause you any more pain.. Maybe a BH might think his W is having another A when she dresses especially nice.. Or a BW might think the same if her H start working out and takes care of his appearance (unless he or she always has, of course).

Many WW buy very sexy underwear during an A - and get so ashamed they revert to totally unsexy things to wear when they realise how much they have hurt their H. Just to avoid that they MIGHT trigger some hurt in their H's.

Maybe you should have a long talk about this with your H.. Maybe you can chase him around the house to get fit and to "beat" some sense into him... My experience is that the outside shows how you feel on the inside. So that might mean his ego needs a boost? Sometimes you have to give some to get some... (Some, not everything all the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !)

Yes, I'm a B.S. My husband is a good man, but is also an addict, most of the time, working recovery - at least as far as to not "use" his preferred method of acting out. But has not gone beyond "abstinence" to "functionality".

It's hard, because every day that passes to another year gives him more ammunition against himself. And the more he beats himself up about not being enough, the more that attractive spouse reservior drains. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I've been in withdrawl in our relationship for a long time. We have a warm friendship and affection, but not the passion and closeness he craves and I crave - I just can't get close to a man who avoids doing the hard things, but it's ok that I do those hard things. (like getting a job).

I haven't read very many of your posts, KaylaAndy but enough to know that you are a very special lady.

Not much to add except a hug and a thanks for the time you to took to replied to my post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you!

((((KaylaAndy))))

Weaver, that was very sweet of you to say.

I have to say, I've really admired your inner strength as you've recognized that you are worthy and deserving of a devoted, loving, loyal and monogamous relationship! You really took to what was said to you as you turned that corner away from the path of pain!