I am involved with a young couple...

He is about 22/23 years old, she is 19. They have a baby that is 19 mo. old and they have been married just over a year.

We have known the husband for most of his life and this young lady since the baby was 4 mos. old (my daughter and I watched him while they worked---we absolutely adore this little boy...we don't watch him regularly anymore)

I know they have had problems but I always thought they did an excellent job of taking care of their baby....

About 2 weeks ago the husband calls and asks about "that book" that H and I showed him.(HNHN). He went and bought it..said they were having trouble. I didn't ask, he didn't tell.

A few days later I went to see the wife at her work to see if she was o.k. She told me that the husband was harrasing an old GF to the point of getting a restraining order put on him. She said she had had enough and had already filed for D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> She also said she just didn't have any feelings anymore. My radar goes up and I am immediately suspicious that she is involved with someone. Just couldn't shake the feeling. She told me the baby will be o.k. because he is so young and that's when her parents divorced and she is o.k. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (Later I am thinking, yeah right, like how even now you have to schedule stuff so mom and dad arent' there at the same time).

Yesterday, the husband asks if I would watch the baby, I did (what a doll baby <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> makes me feel so warm and fuzzy) and told me she filed.

Today he called and asked if I would be a go between-he drops the baby off and she picks him up- because she doesn't want to see the husband. I said, "you guys really aren't getting along?". Oh no, she has a boyfriend he says. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yesterday I was thinking I wanted to write a letter to each of them saying a few things...
Read the book!!
Don't give up!
Don't be stupid!
Think of this baby! He will be affected by boyfriends, girlfriends, stepmoms, stepdads!
Plan A.
Don't give up.

Can anybody help me with a letter (could be the same one to each of them) that will explain the MB way and how it works without overwhelming them?

Just the basics and how there is hope.

Please help me here....they are so young and have a chance, I just don't think she sees it right now....I don't want to say anything that would turn them away from me either.

It sounds like BOTH of them still have some growing up to do and they need to do it as quickly as possible because of the baby they have brought to this world.

You did well in giving him HNHN but advice him to also buy the other Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' and 'Love Busters'. Convey to him that if he gets serious and implements the principles in them, he will have grown up to be the man many women dream of having as a H.

As far as she, the alleged WW, is concerned, you may want to convey to her that jumping from one relationship to another without first taking time to heal and learn from the last committed relationship, will only bring more pain, hurt and bitterness for her in the long run. And just like her H, she also to do some serious soul searching and take responsibility of her own shortcomings that contributed to the bad state of her marriage.

If you convey this to them in a letter, you just may be able to get them to reflect on what they have done and continue to do to each other.

m&l,

I'm not sure how much a letter would help if this young wife is deep in the fog....I know many coaches who say it's a waste of time until after about six months when the endorphin level drops...but it can't hurt if you can be calm and understanding.

Why not buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair"...with a short note from that you are available to help without making judgements. Tell her you know how complex these things are (there is probably tons that you don't know about what happened or why she made this choice) but that marriages survive these things everyday. Suggest gently that for their child, they owe it to themselves to try everything before divorce....and not to give up until at least seeing a counselor who can help them navigate these rough waters. Even if they decide to divorce...there is right way to do that...and that after divorce is a far better time for considering other relationships. Give them the link for this site. Suggest one of the seminars.

Say a prayer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You did well in giving him HNHN but advice him to also buy the other Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' and 'Love Busters'. Convey to him that if he gets serious and implements the principles in them, he will have grown up to be the man many women dream of having as a H.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if our 1 bookstore has either of these books..and I don't know if he will go there to buy them...very small town and one of the owners (very blabbly) is also one of his growing up neighbors <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I wouldn't do it either! I did tell him to be the best he could be right now and don't do ANYTHING to make her think she is doing the right thing because he acting like a jerk (seems the boyfriend is driving by his house and flipping him off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) He filed a restraining order...that is good...I told him don't say or do ANYTHING else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as she, the alleged WW, is concerned, you may want to convey to her that jumping from one relationship to another without first taking time to heal and learn from the last committed relationship, will only bring more pain, hurt and bitterness for her in the long run. And just like her H, she also to do some serious soul searching and take responsibility of her own shortcomings that contributed to the bad state of her marriage.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very good point...I'll make sure I mention that..I want her to know that she is not blameless but of course ya don't want to be too blunt...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not sure how much a letter would help if this young wife is deep in the fog....I know many coaches who say it's a waste of time until after about six months when the endorphin level drops...but it can't hurt if you can be calm and understanding.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats what I'm afraid of...apparently she has only been seeing him for a week and a half (that would have been when I saw her at work and she said she just couldn't stay with her H..her vows meant something to her.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

I told them the husband about counseling with Steve so I will put something to that effect in there...his number etc.

I'd also like to tell them they haven't earned their way out of this.... and that this ain't tiddlywinks, this is real life, real people....a real baby <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

marriedandlonely,

If he's got a credit or debit card he could order 'SAA' and 'LB' online from the MB bookstore or through some of the other online bookstores like Amazon or Barnes & Noble. If he doesn't have a credit/debit card you could offer to buy them for him [just make sure he gives you the cash first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ]. Which ever way he choses, this would ensure total privacy for him since nobody would know he ordered them.

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

He just called...seems she will be o.k. to do the switch with him in person.

I told him I had asked for advice here and read to him what you said TMCM about reading the books and becoming the H she will want to come back to.

He said she hasn't cried yet...I said she can't, she's not sad yet..she left that behind to go have fun. He said she then cried when he said he will fight for full custody. And ya know, he is such a good dad that he would have a chance at it.

I was gonna offer to get the books online for him and he got a call waiting and had to go real quick.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> dang it...I just want to kick her in the butt.