How do all of you who are going through finding out about an affair, working though marriage counseling and trying to save your family, and not being sure if he will be here tommorrow, next week or next month, go about dealing with the holidays? I know that I was out shopping this afternoon, and I got so depressed thinking about the holidays and what will happen. Even thinking about buying presents and decorating has throw me in a blue funk, let alone attending parties and family events.

Since I don't know what my H will be doing by that time, I will assume he will be here. But I will decorate, shop, put up the tree, etc. and if he's not around at Christmas, I will buy myself a heckuva nice present.!! With his money, if I haven't given it all to my lawyer! LOL!!

Plans have not been made yet for Thanksgiving, but if we are not going to be together, then I will make a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and invite some people with no family to come share it with me and my mother. So there. (He'll miss my dressing if he's not here. Bet OW doesn't know how to make good dressing!!!)

In a way, I'm lucky in this. My WH has been deployed through 2 of our 10 Thanksgiving's and Christmas'. He wasn't here last year, and he probably won't be here this one either.

Oh, before he left to see to see the little woman in SAT, he promised the kids that no matter what job he was working, no matter where in the world he was, he would be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Something else for them to be let down on. He's not even leaving for Guatemala to visit his family until the 4th. He'll be there until the 13th. No way he's going to get a job and get back here, or even get back here period for the holidays.

At this point, he doesn't get to see them no matter what!!!

I'm planning on taking them to Seattle for Thanksgiving weekend. We are going to spend the entire weekend and do the shopping thing.

For Christmas, I'm going to plan on being at my parents all day. I guess if he comes to town he can always go there....but I doubt he'd have an enjoyable or comfortable time.

I anticipate some sadness and grief, but I'm going to work so hard at making it okay for the kids that I don't have time to wallow.

once,

Here is a link to your other two posts so that folks answering you will know a little bit more about your story. It helps us to know the background.

My Story

Holidays are a particular challenge during these times, but they are also an opportunity for a wayward spouse to see the things he is risking by continuing the behavior.

Did you look into those 12 step programs I linked to you?

I did look into sexual addiction and the 12 step program...thanks for the references, and I spoke to our marriage counselor about it, and he feels that this might not be the case for him. There are other issues that he needs to deal with before he can deal with the "us issue". I am also getting individual therapy myself. I find the hardest part not being able to tell anyone about the whole thing, and getting a friendly ear to help when "the horrible feelings" attack me, like today when I wrote the above question. If there was someone close to me that I could talk with (not just once a week with the counselor) I think I would be doing better with this. At the moment the only one I can go to is the person who has put us into this terrible situation in the first place...my husband. any thoughts?

I did look into sexual addiction and the 12 step program...thanks for the references, and I spoke to our marriage counselor about it, and he feels that this might not be the case for him. There are other issues that he needs to deal with before he can deal with the "us issue". I am also getting individual therapy myself. I find the hardest part not being able to tell anyone about the whole thing, and getting a friendly ear to help when "the horrible feelings" attack me, like today when I wrote the above question. If there was someone close to me that I could talk with (not just once a week with the counselor) I think I would be doing better with this. At the moment the only one I can go to is the person who has put us into this terrible situation in the first place...my husband. any thoughts?

once,

Do you have a close girlfriend or sister you trust implicitly. Otherwise...you are certainly welcome to come to us. At least you know that most of us have been in your shoes...me more than some. My H had the kind of meaningless affairs that yours did....and I began the recovery of my marriage right on this site. I think part of my story that deals with Christmas....is around here somewhere. If I can find it....I'll post if for you, because I found about about the last infidelity in July of 2001 and that first Christmas after...was a challenge.

hugs...you are welcome here!

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Once, you just go through the motions. There is nothing you can do to make it the same. It will never be the same. In May of 99' my H of 20 years left me, in October my 18 yr old was killed and in November my 17 yr old son left to live with his dad because I grounded him.

I lost my entire family that year.

I went from having a family for 20 years to having no family virtually overnight. The closest family members to me were 1200 away.

Anyway, I went out and bought a little tree at Walmart and spent Christmas by myself. You just do what you have to do and ride it out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> Once, you just go through the motions. There is nothing you can do to make it the same. It will never be the same. In May of 99' my H of 20 years left me, in October my 18 yr old was killed and in November my 17 yr old son left to live with his dad because I grounded him.

I lost my entire family that year.

I went from having a family for 20 years to having no family virtually overnight. The closest family members to me were 1200 away.

Anyway, I went out and bought a little tree at Walmart and spent Christmas by myself. You just do what you have to do and ride it out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God Meloday lane, what trajedy. I can imagine that there can be no greater pain in this world than losing a child. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Melodylane,
your story broke my heart, really I am very sad now. You are always so upbeat. You must have some innerstrength.
Are you and your youngest talking now? I hope so.

Also I am struggleing with the whole Christmas thing too. I have no suggestion at all. All I know is that last year I was alone on Christmas, no kids (with H) no H. I cried, I drove looking for family (no one answered their cell, and never did find any of them) and ended up at a friends house, they took me in, included me in everything, and got me throught the day. Do now know what I would have done with out them.

Thanks lemonman and KMEJ. It wasn't my intention to throw a wet blanket on this thread, but I wanted Once to know that while the holidays are hard, they are manageable. You just suck it up and move forward.

My now 22 yr old son and I get along famously since he made it through his rebellious teenage years. I am the only stable influence in his life now and he tells me he is very grateful for this. He goes to college up in Michigan but we talk on the internet or the phone almost every day. He is a wonderful son and I am extremely blessed that he is my kid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad that things worked themselves out. I am sorry I am not familar with your story, what happened with you and your FWH?

I am feeling different from the rest of you - I WANT to be alone this year, and am trying to figure out how to get out of being with my parents, siblings, etc. I find myself dreading being with them this year because it reminds me of all the years H and I spent X-mas with them.

I know they will be hurt if I don't go. I'm trying to find a good reason to be gone for X-mas this year. I already told my parents I won't be around for Thanksgiving this year -- but X-mas is another story. It is the most important thing to my mom, and so I have to decide whether to hurt her or feel my own pain instead.