Well I am not sure where to start. I will give you the brief of my 'story'. My husband left while the children (3 and 20 months) and I were on vacation. I found out he was gone, and when we came back from vacation he came and got all of his things and moved into the other womens house. I have never been more devistated in my entire life. He said he loved us, but just couldn't be live with me anymore. He however was NOT asking for a divorce...just time. We still talked, and he always said he was sorry, but just couldn't come home. I did everything I could to convince him he was making a bad choice, and then I picked up the book and learned about plan A and plan B. I started on plan A. He ended up coming home on September 18th, and lasted here 2 days before leaving again, this time instead of being sorry he was now angry. We spent about a month where he did not see the kids, drank too much, and was angry whenever we talked. I still tried Plan A. His birthday was on October 26th and he decided to come home. He broke down, told me he was never more guilty in his life, missed me, has always wanted to come home but didn't think he could...etc. We had a wonderful night, and next day. I feel so calm and at peace when he is around. I KNOW that if he were to stay we could make things work. The next night, he looked me in the face and said he had to go for a ride. He didn't come home until 4 am, drunk, had just got home from the other womens house. He told me that he realized through this that he missed his kids and needed to spend time with them, but he couldn't stay here. The other women herself is going through a divorce. He knows she is not the right person for him, but he feels that he might be able to help her reach her potiential. Anyhow, since then he has come over every night to see the kids, but I almost feel like he is getting the best of both worlds. He comes here, goes there...as he pleases. I want to do Plan B, but honestly I don't know if I CAN. I miss him so terribly when we don't talk, and now the kids are counting on him to come home,.....
HELP??!?! Thank you....

Danin, you really have 2 paths you can take. You can allow your H to keep 2 women on line the way you are doing now. This will be the perfect set up for him because what man wouldn't want to have 2 women and no consequences for his affair?

Your other path is to go to Plan B in the hopes that he would be yanked off the fence and forced to make a decision. As long as he can have his needs met by 2 women, he has no motivation to end the affair. But if you go to Plan B and stop meeting his needs, he can quickly realize that OW can't possibly meet his needs. You have been in Plan A long enough and it has a damaging effect when conducted too long. I think you are at or beyond that point.

And yes, it is hard. But I think that sharing your H with an OW is probably harder, isn't it? If Plan B gives you a hope of saving your marriage, isn't it worth the pain?

Plan B would also give him a taste of life to come as a divorced man. That is usually a huge shock to the WS to not be allowed into his home and to have to abide by a visitation schedule with NO contact with you.

It ain't easy and it's not for the faint of heart. It's for those who will go to any length to save their marriage.

Have you exposed this affair to all key people in your lives?

Hello <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thank you for the reply. Everyone in our lives (both his and mine) know about the affair and the other women. His family is very disapointed in him. His friends and family have basically just stopped talking to him. He is in the Navy and we are stationed 700 miles from our 'home'.

I feel quite stuck. His affair started on August 3rd. Since then he has been very distant and hasn't made much of an effort to even come visit the kids, let alone talk to me. He was basically drinking his life away, and being a child, with the other women. She is 10 years older then us, and has 4 children of her own. Since he came home on his birthday, although he didn't last here long, he has been much more receptive to my feelings, visiting the kids, and calling home. He still makes it clear that he wishes for me not to call when he is at her house, because she flips her lid. She has a SHORT leash on him...and he allows it. I feel like I can finally start plan A, and have it be effective because he is listenign, but then I wonder if I really should be doing plan B. I feel as though if I do plan B, I am shutting out the fact that he finally is receptive and makes an effort to see the kids. He will be here at 3pm today to take the kids out for halloween. BUT, is plan A just giving him best of both worlds? I am so lost and confused. He told me last night that he loves and cares about me, and that I will always have a place in his heart. THEN WHY is he not living here? He hasn't taken all of his things, he just lives off the few clothes he has with him. When he is here, he says 'honey' and then he says 'I need to stop saying that'. It is almost as though he is SCARED to love me.......
Sorry for the long post, and I appreciate the reply.

What do you think led to this affair? What was your marriage like before he left?

Who is the OW? What does she do?

MEL ... would you peek in on Danneill's thread ?? pretty big haired PLEEEEEZE

Pep

Mel, thank you for the reply.
The OW is 10 years older then us, 4 children, still married, going through a divorce herself. She is basically living off of my husband. She has no job, drinks, and does not even a HS diploma. He met her online when he was bored because the kids and I had gone out of state for a month. The OW and my H get into argurements A LOT. She kicks him out, he drives around, then she calls and begs for him to come back. He claims he knows she is using him, but he *hopes* that once her divorce is final things will get better. He says she is nice when she wants to be, and when she isn't drunk. He feels that she has potiential and if he left and came home he would wonder if she ever changed for the better. He admits that he made the worst mistake ever by even meeting her, but now that he knows her, he has grown attached.
Our relationship before he left...
Well it wasn't the best to be honest. Through this process, (sorry it took this) I have learned A LOT about what we did and didn't do correctly. I am a full-time student, and work full time. His EN were not on the top of my list. He came home, I came home, and we just basically did the household chores and took care of the kids and went to bed. We didn't agrue, but we didn't spend to much time loving eachother either. I beat myself up inside for this...
He has also been deployed in the Navy a lot in the past few years, and that has been hard on us.
I have tried to explain to him that I know what I did wrong, and I want to make it up to him. I know deep down that if he came home I could prove to him that I have and will continue to change, but he won't give me that chance.
He gets out of the Navy in 5 1/2 months, and our plan was to move to our home, and build a house on the land we own. Now that dream is falling apart. I am so lost...
Thanks for the reply..
Danielle

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

Well I made a huge mistake last night...
H was supposed to be here at 3pm to eat dinner and go out trick or treating. When the kids realized we were eating dinner without him (now 5 pm, no H) they started asking questions. My son said he did not want to go trick or treating without his Dad. So, I called him. He was sleeping. OW and her kids had left for the day and he had fallen asleep. He said he was on his way. He got here right as we were about to leave for trick or treating. The time out was great. The kids adore him, they think he is some big hero. When he ran home to get the stroller (only a few houses away) my son started crying for him. After we were done and got home, the kids went to bed, and he asked for luggage to pack some things up. (He had just brought everything home Tuesday). I looked at him like, "don't do this tonight". He got a suitcase and started packing. I SHOULD have left the room, but I couldn't. I sat there balling my eyes out telling him not to leave. I told him I couldn't take it anymore, and I would do whatever it took for him to stay home. I told him to name it and I would do it. He said I couldn't...and it was in his control to find out what he wanted and just because I know we can work it out, he doesn't right now. I couldn't stop crying...begging him to stay. Then he said the worst...(but I asked for it by acting that way). He said "I love the OW more then I have ever loved you" Then he paused and said he was sorry for saying that. He knows about Plan A, Plan B and LBers. He said that I was making LB by trying to force him to stay, and that He wasn't interested in Plan A because he knows I love him, and doesn't need me to keep trying to prove it, but that Plan B wasn't an option because he enjoys seeing me. Great. He told me he knew 99% of a chance that the OW would break his heart like she did Tuesday, but that 10% chance keeps him there. I layed down in bed, crying my eyes out, he took his suitcase and left. I feel so numb. He called at 0630 and told me to try and have a good day, and start taking care of myself because before I could care about him I needed to care about me. He also said that if there is any chance of him coming home it would not be to this house. He doesn't feel like this house is his home, so we would have to move. I don't really understand that, but I would be willing to do it.
Any insight is appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
Danielle

Danielle,

I feel your pain. My wh was suppose to come home to see the kids go trick or treating but did not make it we were already gone when he finally called me back. He said he was on his way home but when we got home he was not there. The saddest part was my 7 year old saying right before he went to sleep, "I wish we had a different dad. One that does have to go somewhere all the time and one that is kinder." Now that is sad.

I will give you my two cents -- I think I am coming out of my own fog though I have my moments I am no longer in self pity, no longer asking why, no longer begging and pleading. I read Arts post on Plan A, I read Bob Pures post on plan A and I have made a transformation. I am Plan Aing knowing that the OW will never hold a candle to me, I am Plan Aing so that I no longer have doubt when I am in Plan B. I would continue to Plan A you haven't been doing it long enough and consistently enough (I know I was there). Get strong you can do it. Start thinking about yourself and your kids -- when you do that your wh will take notice. I am so sorry you are going through this.

WhoamI,
Thank you for the reply!
BTW, any and all comments are greatly appreciated..
It is hard when the kids want them home.. My son asked me to find him a new Dad...and I told him his Dad loves him. What more can I say? My H just called to ask if he could babysit the kids tomorrow while I am at school 5pm-8pm. I said he is always welcome to see his kids, and they would love to see him. I am always nervous he will bring the OW here, or take them there though. I would hope he wouldn't because my son would tell me, and that would be the end of my rope. Where would I go to read these posts on Plan A? I need to be more consistant... It is hard when he throws comments around like 'I never loved you' I KNOW he loved me, but man...
I wish you the best...and thank you for replying. Did you and your daughter make the best of trick or treating?

wow...the actions of your husband are very scary...

his ability to abandon his own children...is disheartening to the soul to say the least....

I am always nervous he will bring the OW here, or take them there though. I would hope he wouldn't because my son would tell me, and that would be the end of my rope.

you don't need to be nervouse about this..you need to be clear concise and strong....
you need to visit a lawyer or website in your state...and see what options you have available to legally establish that your children will NOT be exposed to any third parties....

you must do this..
this is a boundary for your children

this is totally seperate from plan aing and restoring your marriage...this is your children their well being...

this you must do....
today...

and you must tell him that it is not acceptable for you children to be anywhere near the ow..you must speak these words....

you can not let your fear fog what is healthy for your children....

ark