You kind of know my story. You know about the Blow out my H and I had the other day, and that I told him I was not going to live like this anymore. How he was totally disrespectful..Yatta Yatta..
Okay well the last 24 hours or so he has been a prince. Doing all the things I told him I needed from him during our discussion (ok argument). Is he just dangleing the carrot so to speak again, and he will go back to his old self soon, or should I trust him?

I am asking you because you seem to see everything so clearly. I am just not sure if this just another one of his tricks or modifications in behavior to keep me from leaveing.....?

KMEJ;

First off, I hope you are doing ok. You have been through the wringer with this guy. I am willing to bet one year of paychecks that your WH will be back to his "true self" in no time. You see, he is an abuser, and he knows that he can manipulate you so easily. Big drastic behovaior changes should signal BIG TROUBLE to you. His acting like a "prince" would be more concerning to me than is he just contied to be less abusive. Abusers are in reality cowards. They garber power from making you feel inferior. The fcat that he even hit you once is 100% wholly unaccaptable and is grounds for divorce. You are a textbook co-dependant. Your happiness is centered around your WH treatment of you. Somehow (largely I suspect through encouragement from here) you decided to try and save you marriage, and in the process have put yourself and childrenin danger. Your Husband is an abuser, and unfaithful coward who somehow you "love". KMEJ, this is sad. Do you see what you are dong to yourself, all in the name of "saving your marriage"...? I don't know what else tpo say to you, b/c your H warranted being thronw out of the house eons ago. I suspect it will take a trajedy for you to finally leave him. I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but I pray to God, you can get it together and leave this man. Anyone who advises you to "PLAN A" and save your marriage now is solely misguided. I feel for you girl I really do. Your Husband will be a "prince" for a few more days untill he has you back to where he wants. Trust me on this. I can almost script what will happen. I will pray for you.

Thanks Lemonman, that is kind of what I suspect as well. It would go along with the typical cycle of things.

Does a man like my H who use to be so good ever go back to his old ways? When we met and for the first few years of M my family and myself thought he was the best. A few years ago was when the changes really started coming to light. I just do not understand where it came from.

well Kmej:

I would "never say never" but you are doing what so many people do on the boards. They "love" the person theor sposue "used to be" and they love" the marriage they used to have". Your WHy may chnage, but I would suspect it would have to take him being served with divorce papers and HARDCORE PLAN B'ing by you. I think any of his words are worthless. He has no credibility, and it should take months (maybe years) of "CHANGE" before you consider reconciling with him. He is not the "person" you married. People change, behavior matters, not words. It is easy for me to tell you to leave him, I am a well of docotr with no children and a huge income, so I understand where I may not have credibility either here, but I consider myself a sane person and I think what I am advising you is correct. Good luck. It would take a strong person to leave your Husband in your situation. It is almost easier to 'accept" his behavior and stay with the status quo. Good luck girl.

being a doctor is hard work. I commend you for doing that.

Finacial reasons is one big reason I am here.

Loving a spouse no matter what seems to be popular here. I guess I can understand, why though away something that can work. But also my thought is why waste so much time on something that most likely won't. When trust is gone and betrayal has happened, what is left really? One person can not love enough for both.

Can I ask how you are so easy with your pending Divorce? How are you able to be done so easily? You are the BS correct, or was it mutual?

also just curious, what kind of a Doctor are you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> being a doctor is hard work. I commend you for doing that.

Finacial reasons is one big reason I am here.

Loving a spouse no matter what seems to be popular here. I guess I can understand, why though away something that can work. But also my thought is why waste so much time on something that most likely won't. When trust is gone and betrayal has happened, what is left really? One person can not love enough for both.

Can I ask how you are so easy with your pending Divorce? How are you able to be done so easily? You are the BS correct, or was it mutual?

also just curious, what kind of a Doctor are you?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kmej:

I am not so "easy" with divorce to be honest with you. I did a plan A and B (of sorts) without really knowing it. My wife continued to betray me when we were "trying to work it out". It has been over a year that I have been dealing with this. I have never tolf my story and I am considering just getting it all down for people to see. I think too many people have the same thoughts of you when you say "Why throw away somehthing when it can work"....Yes, but at what price. Some people on here are almost like marytrs becasue they suffer such abuse all in the name of "marriage saving". they encounter repeated betrayals, repated lies, financial ruin, etc.. all in the name of "saving the marriage". It is my sincere opinion that MANY (not all) people are actually too afaid to leave a WS. They want the "comfort" of being married, and will use ANy excuse whatsoever to continue trying to recover a marriage. They will use the exuse of "preserving the family", when in fact the children suffer tremendously seeing a WS leave time and time again and watch their BS (aprent" in such extreme and utter turmoil. "They see the dysfunction". I almost find it laughable how people really think they are sparing their children pain by continuing in "saving a marriage" that should not be saved. I think that ofcourse, some marriages can survice infidleity, but in all reality, very very few probably every truly recover. Yes, people will try and "paint" the recovery picture, but deep in the recesses of their heart they know that "things will never be the same". That virginal sancitity of a faitful marriage will never exist again. So, in a nutshell, that is why I am able to try and get past this. I don't want to be married to someone for the sake of "vows" or some twisted self mutilating vow of "committment". I want someone who will cheriosh me and my marriage with their life, and I feel that with my wife I cannot not ver have that. That is why I am divorcing.

Edited to add; To answer your question of what type of doctor I am , I am a trauma surgeon. Being a docotr is a great job and I am thankful that God gave me the ability to do this, that being said, Doctors in my opinion are some of the most dysfunctional people I know. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Thank you for opening up a little. I can better understand what you are trying to get across to me.
I am sorry for what you have through. I am encouraged by your strength and will power to hold your head up high and fight for what you want.
I too want a marriage that is not full of lies and deceite. I want a relationship where I am not checking his cell phone, or constantly worried that he is thinking of another woman. I want to be the person he is thinking of. I want to be cherished and desired and made love too, not what I currently have. Why I stay when very few of my needs are being met. I honestly do not know. Most days I just want to leave. However my H is so rarely home that I feel single with a dual income, does that make since?

I am glad that you have the ablity to move past your wife's betrayal and look for true happiness. That is the kind of man I want.

You find doctors that way?-really you feel that way?

A surgan, wow. Can I ask where you are from? No real reason, just curious.

I work in schools in Special Education, I help assess Children to see if they qualify for extra help. For my other job I am a server at TGI Fridays. That is my fun job, I get to be out going and fun, and pretend to have it all together. I love action packed days. You must too with your profession.

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Yes, I love my profession. That being said, I am first hand witness of all the "bad" in this world. Getting awoken by a blaring page at 3 am to take someone who is bleeding into their chest to the OR is sometimes a tiring life. I feel blessed to do what I do. I am lucky that I had the parents and financial resources to do what I do. I am very successful professinally, BUT I am teh first to admit that there are many many other areas in my life that I need work on. Being a great docto does not equate to being a great man. The guy who wakes up 4 am to drive a truck all day and then works a second job on the weekends so his daughter can have ballet lessons.......Now that is my type of hero. I am in search of happiness outside of maedicine and I haven't found it yet.....BUt I will. Thanks for being interested in my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That is a great way too look at it. You appriciate what you have and have become , but strive to be a better person.

I am inquireing because you are this mystery man here who has no problem telling it how he sees it. It makes me respect you and your opinions.

Yes I suppose the 3 am beeper would get old real fast. Then again so does the 3 am vomit call from the children, look at the bright side at least you get paid for getting your hands dirty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is great that your parents were able to help you out.

Have you had contact with your STBXW lately? Have you started the Divorce process? How do you feel about what is happening? How long were your married (seems like 20 questions doesn't it?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> That is a great way too look at it. You appriciate what you have and have become , but strive to be a better person.

I am inquireing because you are this mystery man here who has no problem telling it how he sees it. It makes me respect you and your opinions.

Yes I suppose the 3 am beeper would get old real fast. Then again so does the 3 am vomit call from the children, look at the bright side at least you get paid for getting your hands dirty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is great that your parents were able to help you out.

Have you had contact with your STBXW lately? Have you started the Divorce process? How do you feel about what is happening? How long were your married (seems like 20 questions doesn't it?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, "telling it how I see it" is just my personality. This however has gotten me in trouble with plenty of hospital administrators, colleagues, etc... To anser your other questions, I do talk to STBXW for reasons only pertaining to the Divorce (I have filed and am hoping things are final be Janruary). I am over my marriage and do not "love" my wife the way a husband shoud love his wife. maybe that is why it seems so "easy" for me. Things aren't always what they seem. I wish that I was never in this position. I can't wait till the divorce is final and I can someday fins someone to be "true to me" and have children with. I think I caould be a great father, and that is a dream of mine. Being a doctor is easy comapred to being a good father (IMO). Loving your children and molding them to be good people is a challenge in today's world. to all great parents out there, you humble me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lemonman- how old are you? You seem so much older then me on paper, but that could just be all those years and years in college <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I love having someone to talk to, H is always at work or out with friends. I love my kids, would not give them up for anything, but I need some adult conversation, you know?

Being straight forward is good and bad your right, but at least no one ever wonders where they stand with you.

TO be a good father needs the desire to be one, and you have it. There is a lot of time and energy involved as well, but with out the desire you have nothing.

Hey you did not answer how long you were married, was that intentional? It is okay if you do not want to answer.

I am 35 and have (HAD) been married for 6 years. I was not at a place in my life where I wanted to bring children into this life and in the mean time lost this marriage. I am 35 at times, but from all of the sleepless nights, and 7 hour OR cases I have probably shaved off 5 years from my life......LOL. I also have an addiciton to coffeee and as we speak and drinking it and it is 9:30 at night. oh well, I have been "on call" since Thursday, so at any time this weekend could trun into the rod adn gun club and I will be sewing up some 15 year old kid who was shot in a drive by. We'll see. the night is young and the beeper is quiet now......eerily so.

well, just jinxed it. I have to go to the ED an devaluate someone's abdminal pain. Goodnight folks it has been swell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are quite funny. I love coffee too. My H took away my coffee pot so I get to Cauribou when I can. Other then that I stick a cup under the filter and brew one cup at a time. Right now I am drinking Apple Cider- yum, while the kids are watching Arther and the H is at work, like normal. I am relaxed as well. I worked at TGI Fridays today, got my butt handed to me and now I am happily sitting here in my favoriate t-shirt and sweats- it is a cute look really. Comfort is all I am going for.

That has to suck to be on call. How often does that happen. kinda hard to get away when your strapped to that beeper. I suppose that made "personal" times interesting when the beeper would go off. Probably as annoying as my H's buddies calling his cell all the time. Okay probably not, because he could ignore them.

6 years is a long time. Why were you not ready for kids but now are? Did your STBXwife want kids?

As a fellow physician who used to to work a fulltime clinic and do 10-12 ER night shifts a month I can relate. I have scaled way back it can be done. My income doubled just by getting out of a group and starting a rural health clinic. It sounds like your marriage is on the rocks because you work too much. I made the same mistake. We all do it, I took it a step further after alienating my wife by never being home I used my new spare time to have an A. What a mistake now compounded by a pregnancy. Bigger mistake. I disagree that most can never truly recover from an A. It depends on so many things. I know in my heart my wife and I will be happier then we were before the A. I learned alot about her and got humbled. I am damn lucky to have her. You have good reason to be cynical because as a single trauma surgeon with your huge income you will be preyed upon rapidly. You may want to take a second look at your wife, she may be better than you think. If you slow down and spend some time getting reacquainted with your wife and give her hope that you will be home alot more by cutting back maybe she would come back to you. D is a scar people carry around for their whole lives. Everybody I know who divorced always mentions the X within 5 minutes of any conversation,. They are bitter and remain that way. just my 2 cents.

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: dadto3boys ]</small>

Lemonman - I just have to tell this little funny - well it was funny to me...

New neighbor moves in next door..Older man, little younger woman..They seem nice enough..But, I never pay much attention to neighbors..So one day at the community mailbox - I pull up behind his car - look at his license plate..


SIR - GIN

I don't think too much about - tell WH - hmm, guy next door must enjoy his Gin..Must drink abit..tell him about license plate..we laugh..end of story..

Months later, I met his wife, we chat - find out she's a nurse and he's a TRAMA SURGEON....put 2 and 2 together - laughed my butt off..realizing all that time I thought he just liked GIN....

Call me dumb, polish blonde..ditz....

Actually I do think that was funny too. However I too am a blonde and got it, maybe because it was in a post where Lemonman stated what he did for a living, who knows.

As for D23B said, he is right, many women will chase you for your money alone. Not the type of women you want (at least I do not think). If it were me I would want someone that wanted ME with my little quirks then for my money... Not saying that is what most women want mind you. I would just not be too flashy with my money at first...

Lemonman, was your job the reason for your marriage failing? I suppose it is part of it, but that can't be all. Did your stbx complain you were never home? However I have the same complaint that my H is never home and he is not a sir-gin (hee hee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> [QUOTE]To answer your question of what type of doctor I am , I am a trauma surgeon. Being a docotr is a great job and I am thankful that God gave me the ability to do this, that being said, Doctors in my opinion are some of the most dysfunctional people I know. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My best friend is an ER physician - she is the most level headed person I know. She has her priorities in order and doesn't sweat the small stuff, I'm sure because she deals with life and death every day. She is also a cancer survivor. So, chalk one up for the functional side!

That is good. I do not think that Lemonman meant to offend anyone with what he said. Given that is his profession, I think he was just making an observation from the people he works with.

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>