Hi
I am new to this site but i am glad i found it. My husband and i have been together 15 yrs. We lived together for 13 married for 8 I have 1 child from a previous relationship and we have 3 together. We live ina 2 family home with my husbands family (his mom and his brothers _ sometimes more) Its a very open and sharing environment. about 6 years ago it became increasingly frustrating in this situation. Sometimes they would be in my space in my fridge in my living room even food was an issue I didn't mind because at time it went both ways - but it wasnt easy all the time. I continually expressed many things to my husband about my frustrations and he really didnt do much about it. i turned to the computer when i was upset about things and I met someone who i had lots in common with and eventually fell for. Things got more complicated because he is also married. He lived down south and me up north. I have family where he lives so i saw him about 4 or 5 times and we had an affair. It happened more than once and i was in complete adoration for him. We knew that we could not be together but I would call and we would talk - intensely. A lot of it turned into to phone sex ( which I am emebarrase to say) I tried to tell my husband I was not happy and that we needed a break and he didnt want to let me go. I said nothing of the affair. I have not been intimate with this person for 3 yrs but we would talk now and then. 2 yrs ago my husband found out about it and i denied it. He went as far as tapping the phone and logging my convos onthe computer. He was very hurt and of course i tried to deny everything. He asked me many times about it and i admitted to it once and he constantly brings it up and i got angry. In my confussion and emotional lonliness I kept calling this person. He was a true friend to me and he would giive me advice aboutmany issues I had at home we were friends though we both wanted more again. my husband again found out. He said he "felt" something was wrong. He again started tapping the phone and pc. read all my letters and heard all my convos...He does not know that I know he did this..anyway..he told us we need to seperate which is hard but in a way i feel relieved. My friends are telling me he's a good man and i better not let him go but..I am not in love anymore. The person that i am on love with is married and I don't know how to let go..it really is like an addiction. I told him (my lover) that i am going to stop calling him that this was the reason I was having so much problems with my hubby. Before all of this he was so supportive ..he would stay with me on the phone for hours while I cried would tell me I have to be strong Then i guess i pushed him away by telling him that i think its my feelings for him that caused all of these problems At first i told him i would stop calling and he said no he has to know how i am doing but then he said call him only when i had toi have tried to call him again and he doesnt answer the phone..I am now staying by my momtrying toget my head focused but i am going through the withdrawal and it hurts so bad..My hubby is hurting and i feel so guilty..he has been so good to me..how could i do this to him...I dont even think i deserve him..he iis still being nice to me and it kills me. I am sorry if this letter sounds as confused as I am but i need some advice...i read basic concept and the 4 steps..what do i do if i dont feel the love i should for my hubby do i tell him? Do i just get my own place or do i go home? I feel we should be together forthe kids sake but will i ever get over this guy after 6 yrs I love my hubby but I am not happy..completely ..with him

swalex...

the basis for an affair to work and thrive...
is the seperation of what your marriage is...
and the creation of what it is or not in order to have and rationalize the affair...

our brains...
all brains ...
are expert rationalizers....

For a long time you have created and fed in to your thought patterns of putting great
time
emotional energy
thought energy
and
feelings
in to your relationship with the OM...
and how bad your marriage is/was...

all these things you stole from your marriage and your spouse...

the void you speak of your husband not filling your needs is partly of your own creation..

you positioned yourself both emotionally and in action to not let your husband fill any needs...

the logical truth...
is that EVEN IF your husband was the WORST husband to ever inhabit this planet...

none of the actions of an affair...
address
or
repair that issue...

If anything they magnify it
and make it even worse in your head than they probably are/were......

we humans cling to the known...
and what has become your known

is the OM
contact with the OM
conversations with the OM...

you now fear the unknown...
and what is unknown is what type of marriage you ARE capable of having...
becuause you have yet to focus your emotions and talent on creating the type of marriage you crave....

and the easiest route appears to not even try...
again human nature...the path of least resistance...

it is infact elementary my dear...

The destructive side of this is that you used yourself and this OM to fill things....that really can't be filled in the light of day...
and it really isn't even your husbands job to make you happy...on some levels no one else can do that for you...
on some levels happiness in even a choice...

people don't dislike EMA's for no good reason....they bring great pain to all parties involved...
the
WS
the BS and
the OP.....

they are epitomy of taking something called love...one of God's most precious gifts...and twisting that word and it's meaning in to something that it was never meant to be or be used as....

greatly blessed are you to have a husband who is in so much pain himself and can still reach beyond his pain and be nice to you....

the real question is

why are you here...
HERE at a marriage building site...it's difficult to assist you in any of this ...until you answer that question...

ark

ark
Thank you so much for replying and I understand your points.
first..i don't know what is BS, WS and OP.
second I am here because i am trying to understand this all. I do want to save whast i have but I want to be fair to my husband..he keeps talking about how many times I have neglected to tell him the truth and I know he is full of resentmnet which i dont blame him for. We have young children..ages 5, 9, 13 and 16...(No the 5 yr old is not for the OM but my hubby wonders if she is.He is talking about taking a paternity test. I woke up this morning with what feels like a hole in my stomach and a pain in my chest I can't eat or hardly sleep. My mom and grandma are wondering whats wrong and I dont have the heart to tell them. Thekids are with me and I dont usually stay 2 days by their grandma so they are wondering why too? I don't even know what to say. I do wantto save my marriage but I don't want anyone pushing things..It has to be natural and real. The OM told me at one time that this is my defining moment and if I didnt know myself before I will certainly know myself now. I want to love my husband but i want it to be real. I am so confused and feel so sick and don't like myself very much. please help me through this.

ark
Thank you so much for replying and I understand your points.
first..i don't know what is BS, WS and OP.
second I am here because i am trying to understand this all. I do want to save whast i have but I want to be fair to my husband..he keeps talking about how many times I have neglected to tell him the truth and I know he is full of resentmnet which i dont blame him for. We have young children..ages 5, 9, 13 and 16...(No the 5 yr old is not for the OM but my hubby wonders if she is.He is talking about taking a paternity test. I woke up this morning with what feels like a hole in my stomach and a pain in my chest I can't eat or hardly sleep. My mom and grandma are wondering whats wrong and I dont have the heart to tell them. Thekids are with me and I dont usually stay 2 days by their grandma so they are wondering why too? I don't even know what to say. I do wantto save my marriage but I don't want anyone pushing things..It has to be natural and real. The OM told me at one time that this is my defining moment and if I didnt know myself before I will certainly know myself now. I want to love my husband but i want it to be real. I am so confused and feel so sick and don't like myself very much. please help me through this.

BS betrayed spouse...(hubby)
WS wayward spouse (you)
OM otherman...self explanatory...

I do wantto save my marriage but I don't want anyone pushing things..It has to be natural and real.

Why would it be on this vast universe that YOU would be the only person here that doesn't have to work at marriage ?

how realistic is that goal...

no marriage regardless of who it is to...thrives without two people working at it....

real is what we make it to be...
marriages do not exist
they the exact product of our own creation and participation....

how has your role in the creation of your marriage....
been actions that make it real or natural??

ofcourse you don't feel in love with him...
you haven't acted loving towards him in a long time...even inspite of his failings...
he's not perfect...
but the route you took was in direct conflict with ever addressing those issues...

I am so confused and feel so sick and don't like myself very much.

that revelation in and of itself....is humongous insight...
and may be your saving grace....

at what point to you decide to act in ways that would have you like yourself...and start moving towards that...

which is not equivalent to seeking your own happiness no matter the cost to innocent people..your husband/children....even the other man...

AND it is not equivalent to time alone...or needing space...for that just creates a bigger void.....

you have to begin by doing right by your husband and your children....

you don't like yourself...because it is our actions that define who we are...
how we treat people
and what we value...

if you value
honesty
committment
then you must move towards these things and never away from them..

ark

ark,

As usual, I love the way you write...and the poetic quality that it possesses. Even greater, is the content and insight.

swalex,

Love is a product of time and energy. That may sound mechanical, but I promise you that it doesn't FEEL mechanical. When someone gives you time and energy...you feel loved and it triggers romantic feelings. You have given that time and energy to someone else...and robbed your marriage of it...so it's not surprising that you don't feel love.

Further, you've robbed your children of the opportunity to be raised in the most stable and loving environment they can be...and that is a real tragedy.

If you want to make this right, give your marriage the BEST chance of thriving and simply live a more honorable life, here are some steps to take to reach that goal:

1. End contact with the OM. In a letter...we have no contact letters we can share with you. Give your H a copy.

2. If you are truly brave....send one to the OMs wife as well...that will ensure no contact better than anything else you do.

3. Take the computer out of the house. Change your phone numbers. Throw away your cell phone.

4. Recommit to your vows, and get into counseling with your husband.

5. Start putting the time and energy into your marriage that you put into your affair and find out what your marriage can be.

6. Tell the people in your life the truth...and ask for their forgiveness and their help in saving your marriage.

You have the rest of your life to end your marriage...you have very little time to save it. I think you should try saving it FIRST.

You are fooling yourself if you beleive that the OM's W [your lover's wife] should not know about the affair because of the following:

1. As long as there is any contact between you and the OM [other man] there is no chance for you marriage to recover.

2. It is very likely that the OM is going to find another vulnerable married woman to have another affair with. Do you want that to happen?

3. If he knows that you informed his W about the affair, the chances are extremely good that he will never contact you again.

4. She has every right to know what is happening in her life and decide for herself if she wants to continue to remain married to her H [the OM].

While there is NO excuse for an affair, it may help your BH [betrayed husband] to understand what were the driving forces that created the marital environment that made you seek shelter online and later on in real time with the OM. You are solely responsible for making the choices that put you on the slippery slope that lead to your affair, but BOTH of you are equally responsible for the bad state of your marriage. I'm going to be blunt here and tell you that because of the damage that your affair has brought, it is going to take a lot of patience and understanding on BOTH of your parts in order to save and rebuild your marriage.

Well i thank all of you for your responses and you have all given me lots to think about. i already wrote a good bye letter on Wednesday...foolishly i tried calling and he will not answer my calls. but regardless i know it is over.. i am now going through the withdrawal phase. I spoke with my H and he is telling me to come home. He wants me to tell him all the details of the affair. which is hard for me to do. I have been telling him why it happened and tried to explain where my mind was at through all of this. But the guilt that i feel...the humiliation the hurt I know can not measure to his. I feel like I don't deserve his love or friendship. I don't expect for him to trust me ever again and honestly i dont trust myself. I am afraid. I know I have been selfish and i really am so sorry and I told him that. AT times I feel like I can't even face my H. He expects for me to come back and things to be perfect and its not.. I am still hurting ..though what i did is wrong...I am going through the depression and I dont want him to see me sad and wonder if I am still thinking of the OM. HElp me ..please..I want to change...I really really do...