Need Help!

I'm drowning in hurt, withdrawal, angry, depression...I haven't had a normal day or thought or emotion since D-day.

I want to be concerned (in a constructive, move forward kind of way) about my future, my kids future but I do not know how to get a grip on myself!?

I'm doing MC, IC, reading everything I can about affairs, marriage, alcoholism, drug addiction, I'm exercising (everyday), I ended my revenge affair. I've tried stepping away from those things, too to give myself a break. I'm functioning but I feel like I'm in quicksand and I can't pull myself out.

My therapist keeps saying I'll feel better soon. On a good day the best I can do is indifference. I'm so drained.

I want my husband to admit he doesn't love me. I want him to admit that I was a crappy wife. I want him to leave. I want him to tell me WHY!!!

My mind is torturing me. I saw a thread on here yesterday about sex addicts and I just can't take one more thing.

I'm married to a sex addict, alcoholic, drug addict that won't admit he wants out and I can't move. I can't leave. I can't do anything!!! It is getting worse instead of better.

What is wrong with me? Or more to the point, how can I fix myself?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doing the best I can:
I'm married to a sex addict, alcoholic, drug addict that won't admit he wants out and I can't move. I can't leave. I can't do anything!!! It is getting worse instead of better.

What is wrong with me? Or more to the point, how can I fix myself?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that I'm the last person you want to respond to your post but why do you say that 'he won't admit he wants out' and why can't you leave?

Do you want out of your marriage?

If it were just me, I'd be out of this marriage so fast your head would spin. I have three children (2,6,8). I have to do whats best for them. I feel I should stay and give him another chance to at least be a good father. He is doing that right now. Deep down in my heart I know that two parents living in the same house and loving them is best for them emotionally and financially.

Of course, thats assuming he can stay off drugs, alcohol and whores. I know this sounds REALLY bad, but sometimes I wish he would screw up so I can divorce him with no guilt. In my mind, I would have given him a second chance to be a man and if he failed I would have no choice.

My kids are the reason I can't leave even though I deperately want to.

TooMuchCoffeeMan, you are like my conscious. Not sure I wasn't at least temporarily happier with my revenge man but... I kind of thought if I let go of OM I would open up to forgiving my husband and having some good feelings for him, but I don't.

All I can think about is this life I'm living is a lie. It was for the last how many years and it still is.

Two things I can't let go of:
1. He tells me NOW he loves me and wants to stay married. God, it kills me. I want to scream. People do not do everything in their power to destroy their marriage if the love their spouse. Period. I can't believe it.

2. Assuming I could delude myself about #1, I have no respect or love left for him. He had sex with whores (before the addictions). He became a drug addict and lied and lied and was mean and indifferent to me and our KIDS. Truthfully, I don't believe he really loves them.

I think we both are trapped here because we want to do the right thing. He has a lot of guilt also. A married based on guilt and "doing the right thing". I'm not sure I will ever be able to pull this off.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm married to a sex addict, alcoholic, drug addict </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm married to a sex addict, alcoholic, drug addict that won't admit he wants out and I can't move. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A married based on guilt and "doing the right thing". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keeping your children in this environment or allowing it to continue around them is not "the right thing". If he is off the drugs and alcohol then it is different. It sounds like some boundaries related to your WH's addictions are in order. If he cannot follow them then it is time for Plan B.

JMO

Take Care,

C.

One of the things that helped me during those times that I felt trapped in my first marriage with my multiple affair loving XWW was that I started to plan my life after my divorce. It took a few years before I actually filed for divorce but the planning brought me a sense of freedom and a realization that if it ever came to pass that me and my girls would make it. I know that doesn't sound very MB but it gave me hope in a brighter future.

Is your H being accountable to you? Is he willing to subject himself to being tested on a periodic basis? Is he willing to give up his druggy 'friends'? Is he willing to go to rehab treatment to kick his addictions? All of these should be dealbreakers for you and if he doesn't want to observe them then you should seriously consider the dubious wisdom of staying married to such a person for the sake of the children.

Yes, he is being a perfect person now. Rehab, AA, IC.

He's following all the rules/respecting the boundaries. Except I feel no better and he wants to sweep everything back under the rug.

I came out of denial in a hugh terrifying way and now I feel like my only choice is to put my head under the sand, again.

Unfortunately, I can't get the Genie back in the bottle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doing the best I can:
Except I feel no better and he wants to sweep everything back under the rug.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweeping the issues under the rug is unacceptable and he also must be willing to talk about the issues when you feel there is a need to.

DTBIC, whether or not your marriage survives you MUST recover from this ordeal and you've got to keep in mind that recovery [marital or personal] is a one day at a time process that cannot be rushed. Don't obsess about tomorrow and concentrate on doing what is best for you and your family today, and repeat the process the following days. You also need to recover personally before your divorce so you won't be taking the emotional baggage of your first marriage into a future marriage.

And remember that you are not alone.

Sorry it's so crummy right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's following all the rules/respecting the boundaries. Except I feel no better and he wants to sweep everything back under the rug. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only time will heal your wounds. Recovery isn't a picnic and you are bound to have bad days with the good. If you are having trouble dealing with what he has done then stop thinking about it. Easier said than done I know.

In my early days of being the BS I wanted to die. I've never felt something so lonley, and painful in all my life. So I scratched and clawed my way out of that hole and started doing the only thing that I could do. I began a intense campaign to better myself. Started working out, learning to cook, working on the house, reading all the time, and on and on. I dove into self improvement and as a result not only am I the most attractive option that I can be I feel great about who I am. I feel better about myself than I have since I was 17 and possesed the keys to the universe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Only you can pull your own weight. Who else is going to do it? Surely not your FWH...not right now anyways.

God, family & friend support group, MB and me. These are the reasons that I am not wallowing in a pit of dispair today and signing D papers. I still have no W and the occasional Bad day. But it gets better all the time. Take the controls of the rollercoaster and take control of Your life! We are here for you and we understand your pain.

God Bless and Take care,

C.

One day at a time...How I hate those words! LOL

Seriously, that is very hard for me because I'm an obsessive planner. When things feel overwhelming, that has always been part of how I deal with things...I plan. Growing up I was always told to plan and that would lead to meeting my goals. It always worked for school, work, being a mom. I know I need to give that up at least temporarily but it keeps nagging at me.

Yes, I agree I need to concentrate one day at a time improving myself and leave all this other crap alone. I have been doing that somewhat but I'm going to go full throttle now.

So, I'm off to clean my house. I feel a very big urge to re-organize. LOL Watch out closets...here I come. I am also going to make a list of improvements I need to make and I'll obsess on that for awhile.

I appreciate your prayers. I so hope I'm not back her whining in a few weeks.

thanks

That's it!!!

Put all your negative and positive energy to work in one direction!

I too am an obsessive planner. I don't feel good unless I am either planning, working out, posting here, or reading nowdays. BTW you should post more. You need to become the expert. That is what Jennifer C. told me. You need to know all the answers to the problems before they happen. You can gain that knowledge by posting and reading here. Additionally, knowing what is going to happen before it happens is a great advantage because it takes most of the sting out of what happens. Your obsessive side should agree with this because it will allow you to work until you drop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And the whole time you will know that you are working at solving the problem.

In the end even if we don't recover our M's we will be better people for our experiences. This is an opportunity as much as it is a tragedy. I have said before that I felt God was favoring me when he allowed my W to have an A. I still believe this. Rejoice in tribulation!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians (4:16-18)

Romans (5:1-5)

God is not only with you He is holding you.

C.

I don't see in your posts (unless I missed it) anything about your husband being in IC. My WH and I separated two weeks ago, and since then we have both realized that right now we both need IC to deal with ourselves before we can even begin MC. We have issues that right now are more serious than our marriage. I feel so much better about things knowing that he is willing to do the work on himself that needs to be done. Granted, since we are separated it makes is easier in that we don't have to see each other everyday. To me, if your husband is not in IC, then he needs to be. He has to come to terms with his own demons before you can ever understand and forgive the things that he has done. He also needs to learn how to forgive himself.