hey all happy halloween....i'm kinda down I asked wh 3 weeks ago if he wanted to come see DS's first time trick or treating...he said he didn't know but would get back to me....has he...nope....and he tells me he isn't abandoning us.....especially his son.....gee what a wonderful dad he is....this really hurts....i mean really hurts.....not that he isn't here for me....that he would do this to his son....

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

OK mark this one in the file for the strange....I took DS to the mall for trick or treating.....we were going through the parking lot to get to the stores in the higher building and WH shows up out of nowhere....I did not tell him we were going to be there...it kind of scared me i did not expect to see him today...I said what are you doing here...he said he came to see his son....I said I didn't tell you we were going to be here......he said I'm not following you....I uh had things to do....and I want to see my son...I said well why didn't you call to arrange something....he said i haven't gotten to it...I said...ummm you do know it's halloween...thats why i am in this getup.....he said he had some things to do and would call us later....I'm not expecting the call

ok so I was right he never called...got home and his computer was online....ok...messaged asking what happened...no answer....said ok i guess your busy....then this morning...I get an email that says guess you two were too busy for me too.....uh who was supposed to call who? i am so angry right now....I can't believe he missed his sons first time trick or treating.....is thanksgiving and christmas going to be like this as well?

second question regarding christmas....should he bring any presents that are from OW to his son may I decline them?

ok I am officially being blamed now for him not calling to spend time with DS....-_-...whats wrong with this picture....

I got this email this AM:
I guess you two were too busy for me again.

I hope you both had a great Halloween.

I responded:
actually we did wait for you at one point....i even let DS stay up
later than usual because it was halloween and to see you...but you
never called like you said you would...so i figured you forgot about
us.....

he responded:
"like you said you would" - I never said I would call. You virtually
brushed me off at the mall and indicated that you had a busy Halloween
schedule. So, instead, I spent my time crying last night. Thanks.

I responded:
actually you scared me by showing up like that...thats why I seemed so
stand offish...it really freaked me out....so is that why you didn't
answer your phone because I did try to call when i hadn't heard from
you.....and yes we made plans to do things on halloween because we
hadn't heard from you at all....so it's only natural to believe you
were busy with other things and yes at the mall you said "i'll call
you later, ok"...so I took that ok he wants to do something so he will
call us when he has time.....I am sorry there was a miscommunication
there....we did want you to be with us...but I didn't want to bother
you since you had things to do and didn't know when you would be
finished...

I love you,
Sweets

So come one come all please tell me what did i do wrong?

Nothing. WS have brain farts and out comes that foul blame bad breathe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just don't stand down wind.

L.

thanks orchid....i'm glad i found out i'm not mentally insane here....this is the response i got back:

Well, there was just a miscommunication or misunderstanding. I went
to the mall completely not expecting to see you there, and suddenly
there you were. As I approach and attempt to see AJ in his costume,
you just start walking away quickly wheeling AJ along. Then, you
start interrogating me:

1) How did you know we were going to be here?
2) Were you at the apartment yesterday? Someone saw you there.

First of all, I _didn't_ know you were going to be at the mall.
Secondly, I don't stop by the apartment (outside of Wednesdays)
without letting you know. So, by zipping away from me, then
interrogating me when I stopped you, your vibe was just very cold with
me. My plan was to go to the mall, then call you and see if I could
visit with AJ. When I asked what you were doing, you gave me this
long list of plans you had made, so it just seemed like the only way I
was going to be able to spend time with AJ is if I just "entered your
plans."

As for my phone, I hadn't realized you called until this morning.
When the flip is closed, it usually tells me if I have missed calls on
the LCD display on the outside. This time, it didn't. It wasn't
until I took the phone off of the charger this morning, and flipped
the phone open, did I notice it say I had missed calls.

Anyway, I liked your costume. Scout's was cute, too. And of course,
so was AJ's. The reason I cried for quite a portion of last night was
because I couldn't get the image out of my head of AJ reaching his
arms up to me, wanting me to hold him... but you just kept pushing the
stroller away from me, on your way to the pet store. It was one thing
to watch my wife walk away from me... it's a completely different
thing to watch my ex-wife take my our son away from me. Since I have
been so depressed lately, and so tired all of the time, I think I am
going to see a medical doctor to see if medication might be
appropriate. So, it's not completely your fault... just something I'm
trying to deal with.

I hope you all had fun for Halloween.

first off he was walking with us and i asked him at the mall if he wanted us to go walk with him and he turned us down....I wasn't walking away from him...i stopped when I saw him...because I was caught off guard never expecting to see him there and totally freaked out....so does anyone think maybe reality is setting in on him here?
i mean he's been so depressed....and I haven't been initiating contact with him....usually he does....and it's been rare but when it does happen...I get the feeling i've been missed....and it really hurts that he's already calling me his ex wife and we arn't even divorced yet...

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

It is good he is crying. Heavy percipitation helps remove the 'fog'. You will both continue to have different views of the same incident.

Just control what you can and do not contribute to his fog. Be the better person and know that he is feeling his pain. Remember it is his pain.

Many a WS call the BS their 'x' b4 their time. The BS feels discarded but the WS needs to experience it. The WS can't have his/her cake or eat it also.

Vent here as you need. Be prepared that the WS may continue to make surprise visits into your life. Practice how you will handle it. Don't give him reason and step out of the way when he throws verbal crap your way.

L.

why is it that they pick woman who arn't as attractive as us to have an affair with? A friend of mine saw them together....she said they wern't showing any affection tho...but apparently she's very plain...overweight...and has ear length short curly mousy brown hair...my friend said she doesn't know what he sees in her...I look 10 times better.....i don't know weather to be reilieved....feel high and mighty...or to laugh...but at the same time think WTF dude...you leave your family for that?

Depression takes people to unusual places.
This info should be encouraging to you. The A is not about him making himself better. It appears to be a more destructive type of EN he is trying desparately to obtain. You are not working with his plan to destroy or inflict pain on himself so he hooked up with someone who is into self-inflicting, conflict avoiding, no morals, low-class boob or boobless broad. The OW is also full of low self esteem and her reflection isn't pretty to her either but in the fog, they love that look which makes each other feel better than their A counterpart.

Is any of this making sense? It is insane at best and destructive at worse. Do you want t/b a part of that evil vicious cycle or do you want to pull your family out of harm's way?

L.

well i know the man i married is buried in there somewhere...he never used to be this horrible person he is now....as for her she is VERY insecure....if you read my other post about our argument we had after my cousins wedding...during our whole argument she was calling him and text messaging him constantly and when he asked her to stop...she wouldn't...she was even calling the next day when we were taking our son to the faire....she has no respect for our family time we do spend together.....she also at one point emailed me quoting god and saying how she wants to be my friend and how we need to come to an understanding as she will be in my life...yeah right....then i found out her pastor because the news of my miscarriage and the discord between us was "tearing her up" *I never talk to her tho* apparently told her to email me and that it was ok to be with a married man....and my wh has told me there relationship is rocky....so i dunno but i have had the feeling our break up isn't ment to be....i have always had the feeling he will find his way home eventually...maybe someday somehow...we can get back the husband and father we love....

Keep the fact that the OW is a nut case, very unstable, even threatening in your back pocket. Make sure you report the fact that she has 'threatened' you with the statement 'she WILL be in YOUR life' to your IC and even the women's abuse hotline. You can even call the police to start a paper trail.

OWs will try to do the same. The one in our case even took the Xws to court and tried to file charges that he threatened to kill her. What he did was threaten to kill himself but in her stupid brain she took it to mean her. No, she knew better but it sounded better if she switched the names. How do I know this? I received the suicide threat call previously from the Ws. He wasn't interested in killing anyone just all mixed up about where he sent himself.

All the above made me realize I was sane and the A participants were crazy. This made it critical that I as the BS remove myself from that crazy triangle. When I told the WS that he and the OW deserved each other and I wanted out of the triangle, he kept begging to come home. He asked to be let in. That was the start of recovery that took an additional 2 years.

L.

During his A, about a month after Christmas, our D was not yet 1 yo, H accepted an out of town job over the holiday. I made plans for D and I to join him, he told me not to come! H missed his D's first Christmas! I couldn't believe it. To this day he blames it on his job, and I always say, but you made me cancel the tickets etc. and said I could NOT come and be with you.

We are now together and in recovery---long story. But the bottom line is this: they are in a fog and just are not thinking correctly.

I don't know your whole story. Have you been following the plans? Why are you arguing? If you are in Plan A then you need to be pleasant, welcoming to him and showing what he is missing. He is SO insecure that ANY type of comment you make that could possibly be construed as negative, that is what he will label it.

It sounds like you need to Plan B--NO contact, no R talk. Let the nutso OW deal with him.

Sorry if what I am saying does not apply, but I wanted you to know that this is pretty typical for WS. In fact, the night after our D was born and I was still in the hospital, H went out to dinner with OW and another woman to "celebrate" Claims they were "just friends" at the time. They are just plain out of their minds.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anne6263:
<strong> In fact, the night after our D was born and I was still in the hospital, H went out to dinner with OW and another woman to "celebrate" Claims they were "just friends" at the time. They are just plain out of their minds. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG I would have reamed him had he done that to me.....actually i haven't been contacting him but he has visitation on wed's so he can see ds....and we were arguing over his disrespect he had at my cousins wedding...to make a long story short he was text messaging OW at the table at my cousins wedding reception as my whole family stared on at him like he was a total imbicile....he said he didn't know he was being disrespectful.....-_-...I think any person would know that...

Just feeling a bit down....PMSy and all...WH and i were supposed to have lunch I was goign to discuss the roomate situation with him....but he called and canceled at the last minute saying his boss was taking him out to lunch to give him his yearly review.....so could we discuss it tonight....I said I would rather not take time away from DS's time with his daddy maybe we could reschedule....and he got all defensive and said i would have to wait weeks....and just started being negative...I said I am sorry....i didn't mean to bother you....just forget I said anything.....he just became so rude and negative...so it doesn't help that my hormone levels don't help and I am trying my best to not become a weepy mess of a woman....it really bothered me...now he wants to discuss it tonight....anyone give some advice how to handle it....or words of encouragement....I just feel so low right now because of the PMS....i miss him so much and keep thinking i've lost him....i know it's just PMS....but still

well last night went ok DS and I ate dinner in front of WH again since he doesn't like eating with us...we watched an episode of law and order..we really didn't talk to much.....there was a slight uncomfortableness at times in the air....but eventually we were outside and very cold and he hugged me good night...and said we could go to lunch on friday.....since we didn't talk about what I needed to talk to him about last night. and now my throat hurts....uggghh I hope i'm not getting a sinus infection...or strep...glares at FIM for mentioning it...I think you jinxed us....