Hi Folks - You know when you are sitting peacefully and you have a moment of clarity where something strikes you as so obvious you can't believe you missed it.

In the years prior to getting married my WW gave me many subtle clues to the fact that she was going to eventually go down the path she has chosen.
I should have paid closer attention to the fact that

* When we travelled she made the bookings but I paid for everything and did all the hard work whilst away (cooking, washing, etc).
* When we went out she would be the life of the party, but came home and was a spent unit.
* Made me feel like I had a child instead of a partner.
* Always wanted more than she was willing to make an effort to get
* Was attracted to the glitzy people and friends that we had, etc.
* Sexually neglected me for the best part of 8 years (yet fired up quick smart with the OM)

The point of my rambling post is that in my heart I always saw the problems between us, but I never stopped to think why don't I just move on before we married and they eventually lead us into this heartbreaking situation. (Pride, and thinking love can overcome all obstacles). Love can overcome all obstacles, but it takes two people working together as opposed to one, which is what it has mainly been. I am definitely not perfect and have contributed to the demise of our relationship but have taken steps / offered to do whatever it took to resolve it (unlike WS).

Now, looking at my life, having learned the lesson the hard way, I realise that it is time to move forward. It took many years, but my WW has finally blown off the covers and is openly showing her true colours (and I do not like what I see even though I very much love her).

Today my online family, I will be moving over into the Divorcing / Divorced section to start the healing process. This is both a sad and exciting moment, but also a very necessary one.

Please don't feel sad for me, but happy that I now know where I am going and "this is my choice".

I would like to thank all of you for your continued support and hope that I can do the same for you.

Take care and I hope NOT to see you on the other side of the board... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> RM

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

RM, my Plan B buddy....you have been there for me in many of my dark moments....in both Plan A, Plan B, recovery and Plan B #2. I can understand your expression of discouragement and a moment of losing faith or gaining acceptance. But you would tell me that to hang in there and have faith.

I read in your message the redefining of history as many of our WS's do....should we do the same? I have been thinking alot out my M and whether I want to save it. I agree with some who say that not all marriages are worth saving. I also believe that filing is sometimes an easy out.

My belief through all of this is a "whole life is more than one experience." Which means to me that this trajedy is a BAD one to be sure. But I think about the other times in our M...like the time my H helped me when my dad died, then a year later when his dad was striken with cancer and then died, my mom having a stroke and lingering for two years, how my H stood by me and supported me in my job with all the pressure and stress and how on 9/11, I was happy to have a home and a husband and we clung to one another.

The point of my story is...are you ready to file or just feeling low tonight? The witches are flying and the moon is full...the dark side may influence our choices on Halloween.

They say a person is ready to file when you don't feel anything and are indifferent. Are you indifferent or just tired? If you are just tired...take a rest tonight.

How about thinking of something that you have always wanted to do? Take up photography. Go to a tropical island. You would say to me to take time to work on myself. I believe that pursuing an interest or taking a holiday is part of the making yourself better.

So really, RM, are you ready to file or just need to vent? I believe you and understand you whatever you feel. Hope you will think it through. Take care of yourself, RM

SS - I will always be there for you ;-) You posed some very pointed and good questions. Yes I maybe a little low, but I tried to think of all the times that my WS was there for me. Unlike yourself whose relationship has hit a minor speed bump, I have hardly any memory of my WS being thjere for me, it has always been the other way around. This is really starting to hit home. I know that I am supposed to be there for her in this time of confusion, but really this has been the way it has been literally from day one. I am normally happy to be the supportive one and be there for her (MC pointed this out to me), but I have grown weary of doing this.

You on the other hand need to stick to your guns as I see much promise if you enforce the proper boundries in your M.
From what you posted it seems as if your WS has been "temporarily abducted", I on the otherhand married the Alien <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Take Care I will keep an eye out for your postings!!!

RM, I understand and accept your thinking.

I hope that WS wakes up and sees what she has in you before it is too late. It is possible that WS can change if she emerges from the fog...we have changed.

In the event she does not, however, you will have become a better person because you have looked into yourself and found your truth. History will not be repeated because you have dissected and analyzed within yourself what are your strengths and weaknesses. You are able to have a healther R/M with fuller participation on both parties.

In all things, be at peace and take care of you.

No quitting until 500 posts!!!

I just posted tonight that I felt INDIFFERENT! Scarry huh....Did you set your time limit in your Plan B this short??!! Or is there something that you did not expect that has come up? Pray tell what's up??

C.

RenaissanceMan,

I remember clearly the day that this occurred to me. There is peace and relief--but there is also some sadness. The peace comes from having made a decision and having some idea of where your future may be heading--the sadness comes from losing your illusion of what you thought your marriage and family were.

In my instance, the day of clarity came when I caught my exH in his 13th A on the day after Thanksgiving. I cried and cried that weekend, not because he was having an A again, but because I knew that this time...THIS TIME...I knew I had to do something because if I didn't, then I couldn't trust ME!! It took a few days but in my own heart something died that day and I "knew" it was over. I was very sad that it was over, but it was. And once I accepted that (and by "accept" I mean letting go of the reins and embracing it), got on with life.

It feels a bit like continuing to live after someone you loved died. Some of you feels guilty...some of you just carries on with the movements of living...and some of you has a little bit of hope looking to the future, as if one day you MIGHT be happy.

RM, just so you know, the D/D forum is a bit slower than the GQII board. For example, there are usually 5 or 6 logged onto D/D and there are usually 30+ logged onto GQII <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So if it seems like the replies are slower there, be patient.


CJ

Sorry for the long posting guys but ….

SS - I am trying to make this about me for a change. So far I have allowed WS to make this all about herself and it has been taking a toll on me. WS has made absolutely no effort in nearly 6 months and the truth of the matter is that I am still her second choice. PLAN B was definitely starting to shake her off the fence, but I feel that WS is only coming down because she wants me to be there just in case things don't work out for her (and OM recently dumper for his spouse). "Sorry wrong answer". Maybe this is a bit premature, but I need to shut he out right now and I presently have no interest in establishing a relationship with such a self centred individual.

shmaley - My reasons are many but the thing that made me decide to "switch camps" as it were is that I have realised I have been sacrificing / neglecting myself for the nearly the whole 10 years that I have known her and have rarely seen her reciprocate. The more I do the more she takes / expects. I have very deep resentment about the following;
* WS will go extreme lengths to fulfil a 3rd parties request / expectations of her but will not do same for us.
* Happy to be the life of the party (whilst ignoring me)
* Happy to tell everyone how hard done by she is, but happy to have me bust my hump to get her that she wants
* Sexually neglected me for most of our relationship but gets it on in a flash with OP.
* Has done nothing to help support me (in times of need) or contribute to our future.
* Etc, etc, vent....

I look at our M and as WS pointed out there were definitely emotionally abusive behaviours exhibited by me. I am by no means going to try and justify them as I do not believe that there is any excuse for this type of behaviour. I did however realise that WS seems to unwittingly trigger the behaviours and has made no effort to help me / her address these issues.

Whilst I had suggested MC as far back as 18 months ago she told me that we didn't need it and would not attend. At present all I can see is a couple of people that are very different in their approach to life. One person that wants it all (but not willing to make an effort), and another who is happy to work towards a happy comfortable future (but it’s seemingly on his own).


FaithfulNewCJ - Yes I did have an epiphany of sorts. You hit the nail on the head with your description of how it feels, peace, relief and sadness. It is as if two very close friends have died. Fist is my M, and second is a part of my heart.

I wish I could say that I hate my WS, but i don't. I am very angry and disappointed with her and do not want this hurt to continue.

I do not know where this well end for me long term, I do however know that I need to stop WS and the situation from hurting me further (sounds like PLAN B huh ;-)

Regards - RM

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Sorry, Double posting

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>