When you come here, you will be welcomed and told how important it is that you come clean about your affair. You will be told that your marriage cannot survive unless you can be honest and give your spouse the information they need to either leave you or create a marriage that is no longer vulnerable to an affair. You will be prodded and convinced that it is the honorable thing to do and that you made a mistake, but you can be a better person and save your marriage if you will end contact and confess the affair to your spouse.

But beware....once you do...you will be dragged through the mud and acused of the vilest things imaginable. If your spouse hits you, cuts you, even desires to kill you when you confess...you will be told that you deserve it all because you are the lowest creature on earth, and no punishment can truly atone for your sins. No one will remember urging you to confess...they will only remember what you did. They will take their own pain, and they will heap on you and add it to everything you will suffer in real life, because they believe no amount of suffering is enough to truly punish you.

It's the old "bait and switch".

Star, what an interesting post! I'm curious what prompted it. KB

Starfish - what is it that has made you so bitter?

"Group therapy," which is what all these forums are, can be hazardous and can be be a "minefield." There are many people here who are in vastly different stages in recovery, and some who have not recovered. There are many who have different "faith" structures and who "accept or reject" some advice based upon their own faith or lack of faith. Etc.

Emotions can, and do, run raw at times. It's often easy "identify" with other's pain and to post without "thinking things through." I've done that, you've done that, most of us have done that. But it's really prevalent with members who are "early" in the process. All the emotions and pain are "near the surface" and can "take control" very easily.

I suspect that your post on this thread is much the same. You are "identifying" and "personalizing" with some posts that are causing you pain.

Rest assured that for that occasional "bait and switcher" as you call it, there are many who will add "balance" and support.

God bless.

knewbetter - I'm guessing that it had a lot to do with Dreamcatcher's thread about confessing to her husband. Lot's of "stuff" flying on that thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong>No one will remember urging you to confess...they will only remember what you did. They will take their own pain, and they will heap on you and add it to everything you will suffer in real life, because they believe no amount of suffering is enough to truly punish you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mean the BS will do this - a typical, near term reaction - or posters on this forum?

If you mean the posters here, I haven't read all recent threads, but to say "no one" sounds like an over generalization. Please help me understand.

WAT

starfish, there's alot of emotion and bitterness coming through your post. I hope you can calm down and look at this more rationally because this is just over the top.

"they"??

Hmmm, I sense a food fight coming on.

Could you clarify?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Starfish - what is it that has made you so bitter? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">excuse me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Forever,

These posts are not causing me pain, though there is the potential of great pain to others. I am neither emotional or bitter about this issue. This a real warning to WS because they need to understand that this board may in fact not be a safe place for them.

Wat....okay...let's substitue "many" for "no one" because obviously, there are some who will remember.

Star - I couldn't agree LESS.....

If my WH would confess and tell me how long?? How many?
Why?
That it will STOP
How we can fix it - I'd bury it...FOREVER....

No- I don't want sexual details - I just want confirmation and a committment to heal..

THe only reason time his hoe's come up is during a heated argument where he is degrading or threatening me...it's the only thing I have to fight with..it's a vicious cycle..

Really, the not knowing is worse...you accuse..and get nowhere - every time I do have facts I feel alot better - knowing your not crazy is important to a BS..

ITHURTS....I agree 100%...please check out the thread that prompted this post:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=033524;p=1

Be sure and read it all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But beware....once you do...you will be dragged through the mud and acused of the vilest things imaginable. If your spouse hits you, cuts you, even desires to kill you when you confess...you will be told that you deserve it all because you are the lowest creature on earth, and no punishment can truly atone for your sins. No one will remember urging you to confess...they will only remember what you did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Starfish - what is it that has made you so bitter?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

excuse me?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See the highlighted portions of your opening post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This a real warning to WS because they need to understand that this board may in fact not be a safe place for them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I understand what you are trying to say. But I think you were "over the top" with your over generalization, especially the "no one" comment. Much the same sort of "negative feeling" can be found for BS's if they venture onto some sites like TOW.

It IS a real hazard of group therapy and why it is "risky" to be getting advice from folks dealing with their own "rawness" of emotions and who might be "too close to their own trees" to see the forest. It is easier, in some cases, to "dump" on someone else what they might restrain from "dumping" on their spouse.

It's also why I tend to limit my responses to nonChristians, because we might have a markedly different "frame of reference" to pull from when offering and/or taking advice or comments.

We all have needs and similarities in our stories and how we are trying to deal with infidelity and recovery. So it's understandable when someone wants or doesn't want particular types of advice.

But it seemed your post "overgeneralized" and essentially advised WS's not to post or to expect any understanding or sympathy from ANY other members.

So I guess what I was saying is that perhaps you might want to "expand and amend" your post as needed to add clarity to what you were trying to get across.

God bless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
When you come here, you will be welcomed and told how important it is that you come clean about your affair. You will be told that your marriage cannot survive unless you can be honest and give your spouse the information they need to either leave you or create a marriage that is no longer vulnerable to an affair. You will be prodded and convinced that it is the honorable thing to do and that you made a mistake, but you can be a better person and save your marriage if you will end contact and confess the affair to your spouse.

But beware....once you do...you will be dragged through the mud and acused of the vilest things imaginable. If your spouse hits you, cuts you, even desires to kill you when you confess...you will be told that you deserve it all because you are the lowest creature on earth, and no punishment can truly atone for your sins. No one will remember urging you to confess...they will only remember what you did. They will take their own pain, and they will heap on you and add it to everything you will suffer in real life, because they believe no amount of suffering is enough to truly punish you.

It's the old "bait and switch". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Geeze Star... I highlighted all your prognostications...

How are you sure you can predict what "will be"?
What "they will" do ?
What "no one" will do?
What "they believe"?

And who exactly is "they" anyway?

Pep

It's not hard to predict something that's already happened pep.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> It's not hard to predict something that's already happened pep. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The future has already happened? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I don't feel that way. No one should be treated this way. We need a more turn the other cheek for our WSs.

I agree they (WS)hurt and should not get a life sentence.

I believe in true forgiveness or if it is not going to happen, then the BS needs to move on. JMHO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> It's not hard to predict something that's already happened pep. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are describing something that already happened, then put it in the correct past tense.

Pep

I happen to agree that this a good reminder to us all. There is a potential for harm to be done on this board when people come here under severe duress...they are very vulnerable.

We all need an occasioanl reminder that we may not be as recovered as we think we are and to be careful that our words are helpful and not hurtful.

If I had met with anothers anger when I first came here I would have had nowhere to turn and would have continued to beat myself up, and my daughter would be paying for it by having a mother who was depressed, borderline suicidal and basically a mess, with not a soul to talk to.

But I still need this reminder lest I let my own problems harm another and possibly prevent them from getting the help here that they need...and I for one have been very guilty of this in the past.

Star,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have never been as disappointed with this board, or as ashamed of the treatment of a poster as I am today.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That thread contained only a small handful of posters that you appeared to disagree with. That hardly amounts to the entire board.

The wonderful thing about sharing opinions is that we can agree to disagree and move on.