My WW and I talked again this weekend. She said that she was still upset that I had put a tracking device in her vehicle. I let these comments roll off and bit my toungue *hard*.

I don't remember what exactly we were talking about, but I made a reference to "when" she wants to start working on the marriage. She said "I thought I already was." I asked if she had told OM that she wants to work on the marriage and not talk to him. She said that she hasn't, but she knows she needs to.

Then we started talking about privacy. She says that she is still independent and needs her privacy. She says that her cell phone is part of that privacy. I told her that I think it's possible to be individuals, but that we shouldn't try to keep secrets from each other. I'm not at all comfortable with her keeping her cell phone "private". Her diary... fine. A prayer journal...fine. Her purse...fine. A cell phone...nu-uh.

I am starting to wonder if this is what I really want. Is this fog talk that she's spewing? She really is an independent person. Is this really her saying this? Will there be any comprimises or is this the kind of marriage that I have to look forward to? If so, I don't want it. I'd miss my W, but I want a marriage that's a little deeper than that.

She tells me that she wants to work on our M, but she won't quit her job with OM. She hasn't told OM that she wants to work on our M. She wants to keep her privacy. She hasn't taken any action to go to IC or look into furthering MC. I'm hanging in there to keep myself from regretting not trying to save the M. I think it's less about me wanting to save this and more about me keeping my emtoional baggage light.

Anyway, I'm ranting... time for a cigarette.

Rykon,

I think you handled the subject of privacy (purse, journal, diary) being okay but secrets (cell phone) not being okay VERY well. I've always struggled with that, but your ability to dileneate between privacy and a secret life really set things clear in my mind. Well done!

Your W is still attached to OM and probably still in the A. She *does* need to change jobs and commit to NC. I'd make those boundaries that are not open to discussion. When you talk about them, don't beg, demand, or threaten. Just say "I need this in order to feel safe." Then leave it with her. She will probably get angry and find lots of excuses and arguments. Just repeat that you need NC in order to feel safe in your M.

Expecting her to schedule counseling is not realistic. YOU schedule it and tell her when to be there. It sounds like she knows what needs to be done, but she doesn't want to do it. Expecting her to schedule the counseling is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Don't make her "prove" anything to you and don't make the scheduling into some kind of test she has to pass.

You're way too new into this to be deciding if this is the kind of M you want. I've seen a rule of thumb posted here, and my experience supports that it is a very good idea: Don't make any major decisions (divorce, date others, etc.) for at least six months after DDay.

Work to save the M, yes. Quit the M, no. You can always quit later.

Interesting, dealing with the same junk, though my W does not work with OM. After my dday, my W also promised NC, but broke that for a month. When I caught her it took a fullblown blowup chock full of LBs threats and anything else you can think of. I have been with my W for 10 years, because i have one blowout (2 in last month) as a direct result of her behavior, i knew she would give me that much. It took those blowouts and a threat D for her to beg to be taken back. (Lesson here though, don't say yes to quickly or they will turn it on you).

We are in both MC and IC, and I firmly believe W wants to save M, though i hear the fog (love, not in love, no feelings, etc), she has not made one call to OM since that 2nd blowout (just checked cell log online, she doesn't know I can) so we are a little different than your situation.

However, they are the same in this, she probably thinks that she can have her cake and eat it too She wants her independence, yet doesn't want to have to earn it. She wants you to hang around and be there when she finally screws her head on straight. Basically, she wants to be in the marriage and have the security of you being there for her, but doesn't want to live with in the constraints that a M entails.

Go into plan A and also set your boundaries. Privacy, straight tell her (again) that diaries are Ok, cell phones fair game. She doesn't want to be tracked like a criminal, quit acting like one. If you are up front, honest, and fair, treat your W kindly, do nice things for her, etc., what's wrong with that? Our stories sound so similar, I needed to shake my W by telling her I would leave if the contact didn't stop, maybe that is what you need as well.

Heck, maybe it won't work for me, I'm plan Aing best I can, trying harder every day. I still feel little love from her, that hurts, but from what I read on here is expected. All I ask is NC and try to work on it...and she is.

Tough call, I would make a MC appointment for the two of you. See what she says.

P.S What I meant if you say yes to quickly. On that Saturday she was crying, begging to be given a second chance. I said OK, I wnated to work on it. I should have waited about a week, at least a couple days. Once she found out she was secure in R (I wasn't going anywhere), she is using that position to make this hard, not openning up, really it seems trying to save face and come back on her own terms. Like a power struggle. I really don't care who wears the pants (or think they do) as long as we have a great M.