Hi DC,

how you doing?? what a weekend huh??

that other topic got a bit insane, i just read it, well only most of it, i didn't read all of it. i want nothing to do with it now, but i do want to talk with you.

i'm really glad your H came home and you two got to talk. lots of talking happening on my end here too.

i would very much like to give you support (a bit selfish on my side, i'm sure. cuz i know it would help me too)

i must admit, i hesitate to post much more right now.

want to exchange emails by any chance?

FL, your so darn sweet.

DC, I started reading your thread, had to stop, too ugly for me.

You will get support from me as well, just wanted you to know.

Hope your doing okay.

Ky

DC, You have the support of the overwhelming majority of folks on this board. You are brave and that bravery bodes well for your personal and marital recovery.

And THAT from a BS whose heart is SO broken you can see it from the moon ... I wish I'd had such honesty from MY FWW to begin with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

{{{DC}}}

FL- please continue to update us here. I think of you so much- and I really care what happens to you and your family.

DC- I told you on the other thread, but I hope you continue posting here.

Thank you FL and the rest of you who have taken the time to post here to me, Noodles post this morning really shocked and saddened me..I came here all hopeful to get some 'real' advice and I felt like I had been strung up in the middle of town with a big A painted on my chest. I never wanted my thread to focus on my H and his losing control with my confession, I tried more than once to diffuse the intensity and get the focus off the blame. Noodles post to me just ooozed hate and venom and it makes me sad for her that she has that much darkness in her thoughts, I'm certainly glad my H is a bigger person than that and doesn't think I deserve to die or anything else close to that for what I did.

I also see that star has taken up in defense of those of us who come here looking for help..even if we are WS's...I admit that I was expecting to either be ignored by many of the BS's or be told I did deserve my H's anger...never thought it would go to the depth it did though...wow..thanks starfish...when I came back and read that noodles post was actually praised and called 'eloquent' by another poster, was floored again...the poster was someone I always looked up to from reading her advice and posts while I lurk..again..wow

Anyway, I do have a lot of work to do in my M..my H is just beginning to lose his 'numbness' about what I told him and I know it's not going to be easy...but there is no way I'd feel comfortable asking for the guidance that I came here ready to ask for this morning...again, thanks to those of you who reached out to me..I'll still read and try to find my answers through other posts...
God Bless you all

dreamcatcher,

glad you came back, thanks for the update.

listen, this is not the first time nor will it be the last time someone says something that is hurtful, but there are so many others here that have such great insight!!!

i personally still encourage you to post your questions (besides, the answers to your questions might help me!) but mostly because the responses of some here can be so amazingly insightful and helpful. you truely just have to ignore the stuff that will do you no good. and by that I certainly don't mean the posts that forces you to challange your perspectives of yourself, of your spouse or of your marriage, those may be tough to read sometimes too, but i mean to ignore those that can be of no help to you.

i have a very strong goal of healing this marriage and of being the best spouse i can be. I know your goal is the same. This board can help that goal. That fact is all that matters to me. I'm using all resources because the goal is that important.

i know lurking can help too, so i'm glad to hear you will continue reading. who knows, maybe some of my posts will help, we are pretty much on the same timeline now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

dreamcatcher,

I am glad that you are still here. I don't blame you for abandoning your original thread, I know I would have, given the circumstances. I do know that MB, for the most part, is a great place for support, advice, and healing. I praise you for your honesty with your H. Like Bob Pure, I wish my WW was as honest as your have been with your H. Hang in there!

Dimmu

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: Dimmu ]</small>

oops! My first double post!

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Dimmu ]</small>

Dreamcatcher,I hope you change your mind about not posting. I'm SO sorry you had to go through this whole thing, Noodle usually isn't like that at all, the whole post was so unlike her! I have some thoughts on why she did it, I hope that you can forgive her words..she really is a wonderful woman, REALLY! Here is one of my favorite Star posts, I hope it helps:

*************************************************Original post by Star*fish:

As you can see by my post count....I've been posting on this board for a long time. I've seen folks come and go and witnessed various attempts to control posting practices. All I can tell you....is it doesn't work. I wrote this piece a while back on emotional needs...but I think it applies here as well.

There are some public aspects and private aspects of this board. This a public forum that is privately owned. So while almost everyone is allowed to post here.....only MAJOR and consistent problems result in someone being asked to leave the site.

*expect some posters to rub you the wrong way...it's a big world and not everyone agrees or perceives things in the same light. Some people express those differences respectfully...some don't....you can't control it.

*communication styles are different....some posters are kind and tactful, some are direct or abrasive. Most are trying to help. The world and this forum are full of individuals, and like the world...you'll like some and dislike some.

*don't expect to be able to control or limit who posts on your threads....or even which way the thread goes...it's not realistic and will drive you crazy. If you want a certain poster to respond to you....put their name in the title, but that is never going insure that the rest of the posters can read and post at their will...just like you can.

*don't make assumptions about posters or situations without doing your homework and understand the HISTORY of a problem. It's easy to misunderstand posts if you see a response in the single context of one thread. Many posters here have been conversing for months or years and are commenting on more than is written in the thread in question.

*try not to take things personally...usually they aren't.

*if you must assume something...assume the best until proven otherwise....don't just react and lash out, but try asking questions and getting more information if something strikes you the wrong way.

*don't expect to get someone kicked off the site for being "mean" to you. It just does not happen. It takes alot to get banned from this site, so learning tolerance and detachment are essential to feeling good about your time here.

*only part of the responsibilty for feeling insulted lies in the disrespectful poster....the greatest part...is the responsibility of the listener. This isn't a marriage or friendship...or even real life...it's an anonymous message board where the majority of what each individual can realistically control is their own perception and reactions...not other people here.

*the best way to deal with someone who you feel is being unfair to you....is avoid them and not respond. You can notify the mods...but as I mentioned before...don't expect any serious reaction unless the attack is obscene or relentless over time. When you respond defensively or make judgements about others...expect more responses from the person you are trying to avoid.

*come here with an open mind....not to teach or judge but to LEARN and you will get the maximum benefit from this site. Different perspectives can open new avenues and opportunities if you check your ego at the door and realize we are all students of life and marriage.

*don't expect fairness, consideration, sympathy or sensitivity. This isn't a therapy office. Encourage those things....YES...but don't expect them because this forum is OPEN to all but the very distructive few who have blatantly misused it. People come here with bias, hurt, history etc. and the advice WILL be peppered with all the flavors of the people who inhabit it.

*if you are emotionally affected by the reponses you get on this board....it is not a safe place for you...consider your health and don't post here.

*when you habitually whine about your treatment here....most people will dismiss your grievances. Defend yourself in a respectful manner without alot of drama if you need to.

With all of that said....I urge everyone, to practice good communication skills and controlling LBs for your relationships in the real world. Bad habits that are practiced here in this anonymous place are not so easily compartmentalized that they won't spill into your marriage and real life relationships. The best way to be HEARD is to adjust your style to the audience, really listen, and communicate respectfully.

--------------------
*If you've come here for help, don't expect change. Expect to change.* This site will not fix your spouse. But it might fix you, and in a way that makes it hard for someone who loves you, to ignore they love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey DC, we got your back, sister! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hang in there. Keep posting. Keep asking questions. Do not be run off. You seem a lot tougher than that, to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Spidey

dream,

Feel free to write me anytime. Blessings to you and your husband....you deserve happiness.

starfish4729@hotmail.com

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 12:18 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Hi Dreamcatcher
Even if you are not going to post here any more I am hopeful that you will read this thread. I fully understand and accept your decision to leave if that is what you intend to do.

I just wanted to say that I admire the fact that you took the step of telling your H. It would have been all too easy to keep that secreat especcially as the affair had been over for a while. However,you said it yourself. There was a huge elephant there spoiling what could have been your marriage.

It is difficult for you to deal with your Hs reactions to this information. However, for a long time now you have made all decisions about this information and how it affects your marriage for both of you. It is a paternalistic choice and would in the long run have caused difficulties in your relationship. In addition, although your H was with you deep down you knew that you didn't know if he loved you for who you are, only what you were allowing him to see.

Alas, now your husband needs to take in this information, digest it for himself, reassess who the woman is he is married to, reassess who he is, what he thought in the past about a situation such as this, reassess what your history and his life has been and whether or not he can still make a life with you. Although you have clearly already agonised and worked through a lot of these issues and have chosen a life with him, this is all new to him and he needs to do the same.

This is an incredibly difficult tim for both of you. However try to see it as hope. Hope that the two of you may now start a path towards an honest and more comitted relationship. His doubts and emotions are in a whirl. It is a good thing, though that he works through these.

I hope for you that the two of you can revover your marriage. If not I hope that you and he both grow as people from this experience. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. I hope that you are willing to answer all of his questions (I don't think you should reveal how to locate the OM while he is in his present state of mind, but maybe one day you might be able to even do that). Try not to limit the time you give him to "get over it" remeber that it took you time to get to where you are now. I suggest when things are a little calmer that you suggest counseling. It can help a lot.

It probably feels now like telling him was the wrong thing, but you have really done a brave and compassionate thing for your husband in telling him even if he doesn't see it that way right now.

I am glad to hear that he is now at home.
Good luck
C&S

I to admire that you told your H, as I wish that my WS would have had enough trust in me to tell me himself instead of letting me find out from someone else. I think you did the right thing in a bad situation.

HINY

corrected email above.

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Dear DreamC.

Here is a friendly welcome to the board. You have done the right thing. An A has defining power, but so has what you do when you come out of it. Continue to define yourself into the person you want to be! Your first steps are very promising.

There is another hurting person in MB now, and that is Noodle. I am sure she did not realise the kind of fire her words could ignite. And I am sure her intentions were good. She has received much pepper and I expect she now hurts. I hope someone will extend a hand of friendship also to her. Could you be strong enough to do so? Start a thread with her name in it and offer friendship?

DC,

My husband and I are almost 3 years post d-day, and recovery is going very well. In fact I can say that we have recovered - however we continue to work on our relationship; it will be a lifelong work of love.

Reason I'm posting to you is because my husband had the courage to do what you did...he sat me down one night (d-day) and told me about his affair. Whew...at the time I thought I would die. I had no idea about his affair, and 100 % thought it would never happen to us.

But now 3 years down the road; the fact that he TOLD me vs. me having to find out is the greatest gift he could have given me. No matter how difficult it was in the beginning; once I made it through the pain to get to the other side - his HONESTY in telling me made all the difference in the world.

It became the foundation on which we rebuilt our "new marriage". Bless him, he even found MB before I did - the books that is and he bought a copy of HNHN for each of us. I went on to get SAA, Give & Take, found this forum and we eventually counseled with Steve Harley.

Whew what a journey! Just this past week I found it within myself to forgive our OW. Wasn't sure I could ever do this; so now I really feel lke the affair is in our past.

Blessings to you - you've got guts girl!!

csue, thanks for sharing.

dreamcatcher, i just felt like giving you a HI.

i would love to hear from you. i hope you are holding up. for me, today is day 8 since i confessed all, which means the first week is over, that's supposed to be good, right??

H is talking to my IC right now.

prayers to you.

dc, please go look here on my 2 cents thread.

bump ^ for dreamcatcher

FL .. you can email me at dreamcatcher9999@hotmail.com .. Look forward to hearing from you!