This is also posted in other forums, sorry for the multiple posts. I am just so confused and need all the help I can get.

Here is my story. On Valentines Day 2004 I married the love of my life. We always said we were soulmates to each other and has never met somebody we loved so much. We had our share of problems, but everything seemed to be going good. My wife became pregnant and we had discussed abortoin due to the timing of the pregnancy and our financial position. We decided to keep it and do the best we could. I was really starting to get excited for our new arrival, til last week 10-23-04. My WW had confessed to me that she had a one night stand during a period of time in which I was in the hospital for a chronic condition I have. She has had two ultrasounds since becoming pregnant and both show that the conception date was during the time I was hospitalized so we are really sure that there is no chance the baby is mine. Here is where it gets really ugly. The ONS she had was with a man of a different race than I am. I am in such a special kind of hell here. I have talked to my WW and told her that I could forgive her and work toward a "R" but could not raise the baby as my own. She has said that there is NO way she would consider putting the baby up for adoption. So we are both just hanging on waiting for the other to change thier mind. I just don't think I could possibly pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and pride and raise a baby of a different race. I so wish there were other options for us because we both say we dont want, nor know how to, let go and move on. She say's that if I loved her enough we could get past this and be a family. I say if she loved me enough we wouldn't be in this position. but, none-the-less we are here. I am wrong to want her to give the baby up for adoption and let us move on? OH GOD! please help me.

First
Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a daddy!! Are you not that special man for this child?

This child is innocent in all this. Many a man has adopted anothers child and raised him as his or her own. I feel for you and your situation, however if you love your wife and want to stay with her, you need to get past this. You are married, in the eye of the law (in the US at least) this child will be recorded as yours since the baby is in wedlock.

You are blessed to have the honor to raise a child, look at it as such. Children are the best thing in the world. The hardest job you will ever love, the one you get the most out of.
I am sorry that it MIGHT be another mans, I am sorry that it will beof another race, I am truely sorry that your wife cheated on you and put you in this posistion, I am , however this child is innocent and in the eyes of this child if you raise her from birth you will be her daddy . The rest is just genetics.

Hang in there

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. You have my prayers and sympathy. I can't offer any solutions or advice, as I can see both points of view. But I have friends who have adopted a little boy who is the result of this exact same situation - the wife had an affair with a man of a different race. The couple stayed together but chose to give the baby up for adoption. The couple were very careful about who they chose to adopt the child, and they know how to get in touch with the adoptive parents - they were not willing to let the child go, and lose all touch with it. As far as I know, everything is working out fine. My friends are overjoyed to have a healthy, happy child to raise as their own. The parents of the child are glad to know their child is being raised in a good home. I don't know anything about them other than that. I do know that they felt their marriage would not survive unless they gave the child up for adoption.

On another note, I also know another couple - the brother of my best friend. Some years ago, his wife also had an affair with a man of another race. He and his wife got back together and he fully accepted the child and raised the child as his. He is the only father the child ever knew. Their marriage did not survive, his wife left him again (she was pretty kooky actually - I know her - she ran up huge credit card debt and had a previous affair with a gay man while married to someone else - she had problems), and now he has no idea where she is - she took the child with her and he has lost all contact with her. He is very worried about the child whom he raised as his own for nine years. Very sad.

I guess I would say, given those two personal examples that I know of, its probably better for the child to give it up for adoption. And its the child's welfare that counts most here.

Wishing you all the best.
LIR

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. You have my prayers and sympathy. I can't offer any solutions or advice, as I can see both points of view. But I have friends who have adopted a little boy who is the result of this exact same situation - the wife had an affair with a man of a different race. The couple stayed together but chose to give the baby up for adoption. The couple were very careful about who they chose to adopt the child, and they know how to get in touch with the adoptive parents - they were not willing to let the child go, and lose all touch with it. As far as I know, everything is working out fine. My friends are overjoyed to have a healthy, happy child to raise as their own. The parents of the child are glad to know their child is being raised in a good home. I don't know anything about them other than that. I do know that they felt their marriage would not survive unless they gave the child up for adoption.

On another note, I also know another couple - the brother of my best friend. Some years ago, his wife also had an affair with a man of another race. He and his wife got back together and he fully accepted the child and raised the child as his. He is the only father the child ever knew. Their marriage did not survive, his wife left him again (she was pretty kooky actually - I know her - she ran up huge credit card debt and had a previous affair with a gay man while married to someone else - she had problems), and now he has no idea where she is - she took the child with her and he has lost all contact with her. He is very worried about the child whom he raised as his own for nine years. Very sad.

I guess I would say, given those two personal examples that I know of, its probably better for the child to give it up for adoption. And its the child's welfare that counts most here.

Wishing you all the best.
LIR