SadFww - Please forgive this intrusion into your thread targeted for JL.
A general comment before saying anything else, while d-day was 3.5 or so years ago, you've only been on the system a few months and are still learning. So I tend to put your "real" recovery efforts at just since last August, not since 1999.
Therefore, you are still very early in recovery and much of the uncertainty and anxiety are "normal" for this stage. Also, there has been a major role reversal in your lives at a time when just about everything that "defines" most men as "men" has been flattened in your husband's mind. I am fairly certain that he is at least two things right now; 1) generally non-confrontational, and 2) suffering silently with very low self-esteem "as a man." Those two can contribute very much to a posture of "withdrawal," of "conflict-avoidance."
I "hear" a lot about what you want or feel is "missing," even to complaining that "all is well only when you are strongly "Plan-Aing."
SadFww, a lot of men (including myself) have a very hard time "opening up" about their feelings. When you add a sense of "not being worthy as a man" to the mix, clamming up is often considered the "best course of action." "No conflict" means everything is "okay." While that's not true, it is a way to justify not having to deal with tough issues or to talk about them.
Then you are an admitted person who places a high value on "neatness" around the house. There's nothing wrong with that, but you husband obviously doesn't place that high a value on it. So you "torment" yourself that he doesn't have the same "motivation" or "need" that you have in that area.
Next, his drinking and staying out is a big problem. I suspect it has more to do with avoiding the pain of dealing with affairs and the changes that are needed than it does with any potential OW on his part. In a sense he is "running and hiding." Again, conflict avoidance.
SadFww, the following is from your first post here on MB. I thought it might help you to re-read it, and I thought I'd insert a comment or two for you to think about.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a FWW. I had 2 A's over 8 years ago. Each lasted 1 year. There are reasons, but no excuses.
D-day occurred 3 years after the end of the 2nd A when I could not handle the guilt and couldn't bear to continue to lie
to my DH through omission. At that time I was 38 weeks pregnant with our second child. (Our first child was born
a year and 1/2 after the 2nd A ended, and I had lapsed into clinical depression and severe anxiety.- now controlled through medication and therapy.)
We had NC with either person by the time D-day arrived, which I think (hope) made it easier for my DH. He was angry, upset and obviously bitterly hurt and confused.
However, he said he was not interested in D and that as the A's had happened years before and we had built our lives since then, that he could move on
with me. I was so incredibly grateful that he didn't kick me out as I richly deserved. I love him- and never for one moment had contemplated a D while
in the midst of either A. (Why did I do what I did? As I said- reasons such as immaturity, a very young marriage, lack of experience with other men (we had
started dating when I was 16 etc etc etc…obviously no excuses, but perhaps the info might help you understand me a little better.)
It is now 5+ years post D-day…and I still feel like I haven't gotten my DH back. We have had another child now.. He is a fabulous father to our 3 children and a good husband. But - he is emotionally distant from me. I can understand this. I really can. But, I don't want to live like this forever. I have asked (BEGGED) that he seek IC - or MC with me- or both. (I feel that my own IC was so beneficial to me.) He absolutely REFUSES. I have asked him to read the basic concepts and articles on this site and to work with me to build the marriage I know we could have. He REFUSES- says over-analyzing makes things worse and not better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A couple of things, are you still on medication for the clinical depression and anxiety? If so, you may need to look at a medication change. If not, you may need some assistance as I DO hear a lot of anxiety in what you are posting.
Regarding your husband's actions and refusals, it would appear to be another example of "conflict avoidance" and thinking that it's "best" to just "sweep it under the rug" and not have to see it or talk about it. Being under the rug does not make it "go away," it simply keeps it around for later use. Sooner or later what is under the rug IS going to come out. It must be dealt with, worked to sweep it up, and get it placed in the garbage can for permanent disposal.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have always both been strong-willed, opinionated and passionate people. I miss him. I miss being close to him, and I miss having any sense of peace about our relationship. I feel like he is just waiting to explode. Another piece of info that may- or may not- help in answering me. I am the major income producer for our family while my DH stays home with our children.
What can I do to repair and rebuild my marriage? Please help.
Thanks.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since JL may not be able to around to help you with some advice, let me give you the link back to your first thread. I have read it and I think that revisiting some of the questions and advice that JL gave you may help you a lot right now and while you wait for him to return.
Here's the link:
Your first thread. Lastly, is there anything that I can do for you with biblical advice or comfort?
God bless.
