Just want some discussion on this.

I read BS speak about how their "foggy" WS were on another planet ... then the A ended and they "woke up" and showed them the love and respect that they used to show their BS.

But what if the WS didn't really show much love and respect prior to the A?

What if the BS always felt like the underdog in the R, like the child with a parent who was always right.

What if the WS was always right, and the BS was always wrong (OK, maybe it's not THIS drastic, but do you get what I mean???)?

And what if the WS doesn't appear to be remorseful and repentent? What if they admit what they did was wrong, but aren't DOING anything to actively change what has gone wrong in the marriage ... and acknowledging that it was BOTH parties' fault?

So many thoughts swirling around in my brain, but will wait for some responses before I dredge on into this topic.

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: Headed for Happiness ]</small>

HFH, in the situation you described I would suggest that recovery will be very difficult. I am living what you have described. I wouldn't say I always felt like the underdog in the relationship but in recent years prior to W's A I started to get that feeling. And now I think it has become a way of life. I feel like I do all the work of recovery and that W is just starting to get back to her pre-affair apathy or indifference towards me. I continue to work hard but I think, and have told W this, that at some point apathy will set in for me. It definitely takes two.

WOE, maybe that is where I am now. I think that apathy has set in for me. There are times when I wonder if we are "meant" to be together. Then the next minute I think that's a crock ... people's love for each other ebbs and flows, isn't always a constant. That you work through your problems, feelings come and go, and you just make the best of your world with what you have.

For so many months, all I wanted was to have my WH back at home ... have him out of the A for good and that our life would be peachy. I've read it takes about 2 years to recover from an A. That seems like such a long time.

And on days when I'm not sure I want to hang on to see if we can recover, I feel like all the pain I've gone through during the last year wouldn't have been worth it.

HfH,

In a situation like you described, the marriage survives the affair but fails to recover, and you end up with the same marriage you had before the A: and still vulnerable to an affair.

At some point, the WS needs to get on board and be willing to recommit to the marriage. How long has it been since no contact?

Assuming he's telling the truth, it's been just about 3 months.

We both said, many months ago, that if we stay together we don't want the same marriage we had before the A. I know that we need to go to counseling. He said he needs to go back to IC, before MC. That's a good idea ... BUT he hasn't made the call for an appointment.

To me, this is a big stumbling block. We are just going through our day-to-day lives, but not trying to "connect" like THEY did. And he won't let me in to his head to make this connection.

I feel like we don't really TALK ... then I get all antsy and pretty soon I blow up and it all ends up as a big fight about the A.

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: Headed for Happiness ]</small>