Been here lurking, and even posted a few venting messages. I'm having a rough few days. I find others stories useful so I thought I'd share mine...

Back in early June my wife confronted me with the "I feel nothing for you" speech... We decided to then go to MC (she wasn't too keen on the idea). A couple of weeks later, and before we made it to MC, I found out she was having a PA. This broke everything apart. Later I found out the EA started about a month before the "I feeling nothing..." speech and the PA shortly after.

Of course I was shocked and extremely distressed. I couldn't believe it had come to this. I asked her to reconcile saying I couldn't believe that we were done. I said I still thought our time wasn't over. But she refused and refused again. So I told her she had to leave. So she packed up her things and left me and my three young children and moved into her own place with a female roommate early in July.

About a month later she tells me that OM is moving into her place. We live in a small community so this makes things rather difficult. I have thus far been able to keep her from introducing my kids to him but have "accidently" ran into him once myself. I just saw red and left immediately. She is currently visiting kids at my house and I believe she is still living with OM.

I do know that I still love her but I think I'm ready to give up on her. She has stuggled with depression the last 5 years which has taken its toll on our relationship. I know that I must not have been fufilling her EN in order to the affair to occur but I can't get a straight answer from all the fog talk. Nothing she says makes any sense to me.

I looked at the list of EN and I would guess she would say I was deficent on one or two before the A. On the flip side, however, I feel she wasn't meeting a whole pile of my EN. But I'm not the one who had the A. It does indicate why I'm not sure how hard I want to try to make this work. I would say she was emotionally detached from myself for the past year, and that on top of the A totally destoryed my self confidence and drained me emotionally.

I have three wonderful children who live with me full time who seem to be coping amazingly well considering the situation. I am so proud of them. I am currently throwing everything I have into being the best Dad for them I can. They do seem happy so I guess I must be doing ok, sometimes I wonder whether they should be doing worse (since *I* feel so hurt inside).

Currently I feel like I've been running on adrenaline for the last 4 months and I am just coming down. Coming down sure doesn't feel good. The last few days I'm been pretty bummed out about my situation and having a harder time getting back to the positive mind set I've had.

My WW and I have had a lot of contact as I have been trying to keep the kids as involved with her as possible, but all this contact is wearing my emotional state down. I want to start reducing my contact with her (but still maintain the kids) but I'm finding it difficult to do. She seems to have no problem living this double life and I just seem to be sucker for the attention right now. And most of all I don't want my kids to suffer (I'd rather suffer myself).

If anyone has ideas on how to reduce contact with a WW when you have kids I'd be happy to listen to any advice.

All the best,

Miker

you need to find yourself a "middle man". A mutual friend or family member to be the person in the middle. If you want to give her a message, you do it through the other person. Her day with the kids, you bring them to the other person, and wife picks up and drops off there. SO on and so forth. Make since? You need to have a real good friend/family member do this. You yourself would only contact her if it was an EMERGENCY- and no that does not constitute a kid having a fever. Not easy to do, will be hard on you because you will want to talk to her, but it works well to help with the emotional termoil one gets from the sparatic interactions.
Hope this helps.

Keep up on the great parenting, you are doing a great job, it is hard work and you are doing it very well so it seems!

Sorry for what you are going through, Hang in there, this too shall pass.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miker:
<strong> Been here lurking, and even posted a few venting messages. I'm having a rough few days. I find others stories useful so I thought I'd share mine...

Back in early June my wife confronted me with the "I feel nothing for you" speech... We decided to then go to MC (she wasn't too keen on the idea). A couple of weeks later, and before we made it to MC, I found out she was having a PA. This broke everything apart. Later I found out the EA started about a month before the "I feeling nothing..." speech and the PA shortly after.

Of course I was shocked and extremely distressed. I couldn't believe it had come to this. I asked her to reconcile saying I couldn't believe that we were done. I said I still thought our time wasn't over. But she refused and refused again. So I told her she had to leave. So she packed up her things and left me and my three young children and moved into her own place with a female roommate early in July.

About a month later she tells me that OM is moving into her place. We live in a small community so this makes things rather difficult. I have thus far been able to keep her from introducing my kids to him but have "accidently" ran into him once myself. I just saw red and left immediately. She is currently visiting kids at my house and I believe she is still living with OM.

I do know that I still love her but I think I'm ready to give up on her. She has stuggled with depression the last 5 years which has taken its toll on our relationship. I know that I must not have been fufilling her EN in order to the affair to occur but I can't get a straight answer from all the fog talk. Nothing she says makes any sense to me.

I looked at the list of EN and I would guess she would say I was deficent on one or two before the A. On the flip side, however, I feel she wasn't meeting a whole pile of my EN. But I'm not the one who had the A. It does indicate why I'm not sure how hard I want to try to make this work. I would say she was emotionally detached from myself for the past year, and that on top of the A totally destoryed my self confidence and drained me emotionally.

I have three wonderful children who live with me full time who seem to be coping amazingly well considering the situation. I am so proud of them. I am currently throwing everything I have into being the best Dad for them I can. They do seem happy so I guess I must be doing ok, sometimes I wonder whether they should be doing worse (since *I* feel so hurt inside).

Currently I feel like I've been running on adrenaline for the last 4 months and I am just coming down. Coming down sure doesn't feel good. The last few days I'm been pretty bummed out about my situation and having a harder time getting back to the positive mind set I've had.

My WW and I have had a lot of contact as I have been trying to keep the kids as involved with her as possible, but all this contact is wearing my emotional state down. I want to start reducing my contact with her (but still maintain the kids) but I'm finding it difficult to do. She seems to have no problem living this double life and I just seem to be sucker for the attention right now. And most of all I don't want my kids to suffer (I'd rather suffer myself).

If anyone has ideas on how to reduce contact with a WW when you have kids I'd be happy to listen to any advice.

All the best,

Miker </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MIker:

So sorry to read your story. I by no means have the experience of what to do here. My STBXW cheated on me (more than once) and I decided to leave her and have never looked back...(best damn thing I could have ever done). That being said, I had the financial resources and DID not have kids so obviously your situation is much tougher. I know how you feel and think your feelings are valid. What people are going to tell you now to do is go into PLan A. You should read a lot about this and PLEASE...PLEASE read the many many stories on this site especially from the beginning so you can follow the posters histories. You should know of the extreme emotional and pride swallowing hell you are about to embark on (well worth it for many to save their marriages <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )....if you choose this route. It sounds like your marriage has not been great for years. You should be ready to be convinved that it is worth fighting for and you should stick to your vows at all costs. You should be ready to expect that your WW will betray you many times as she tries to break free from OM and that you will be lied to, and suffer mnay "false hopes" along the way. Your children should be ready to suffer along with you but AT LEAST this will give them the chance to have an intact family. After all this is what is important. You should be ready to accept her behavior as "alien behavior" and that all of this beahvior "is not really her" and that is the way it must be for you to get your marriage back. You should be ready to "put up" with this behavior as long as humanely possible (or before you have a complete and utter mental breakdown). I THINK IF YOU READ ENOUGH STORIES on here you will get the gist of what to expect. If you think your marriage is worth going through all of this, then this a terrific site. Their are many many great posters who swear by this plan to "recover" your marriage. Listen to them if this is the route that you want to take. Good luck in whatever you decide.

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Miker:

Okay, back up a bit here...

First things first. I don't know that asking her 2 leave was a great idea, though it wasn't entirely unreasonable either.

2uestions, though:

♣ have you "outed" the A? Your sigline says the OM is Md, have you talked 2 his W? How about family? How about friends and coworkers. Don't enable the A by helping keep the secret.

♠ It sounds like you might have gotten a reasonable start on "plan A" but you may have some more work 2 do. I think it's worth giving this a little more time, particularly since you have 3 kids 2gether. Talk 2 a lawyer and try 2 legally get full custody. You need 2 at least take steps 2 prevent your kids from ever having 2 be around the OM.

♥ June wasn't that long ago. Typically, As will die a na2ral death, particularly after being exposed 2 the light of day, within one or 2 years of their inception.

One way or the other, you're going 2 have 2 recover from your own hurt from your experience here. Also, you'll likely have 2 deal with your W on some level because you'll be coparents now forever. I think this sitch is far from unrecoverable and the M far from unrebuildable. It's very much like the "typical A" as far as that goes.

2uestion is, what do you want 2 do? What sense of responsibility 2 your kids do you feel that would help you 2 learn all you can about bringing their mom home and recommitted 2 the M?

best,
-ol' 2long

KMEJ,

Thanks for the advice. Not sure I can quite go to that extreme yet, but its a great idea. To start with I'd be happy if she'd just stop phoning me every night. I know, I know, I'll go get call display tomorrow :-)

Lemonman,

Yes I have read up on Plan A, and Plan B and read a multitude of posts on here. I can see the logic in it and how it works. I just don't know whether I want to put myself through that. Right now I think I need some emotional distance from her for sake of my own sanity. I also have put the legal wheels into motion in order to protect my children and myself because this "fog" really scares the crap out of me.

Miker:

" To start with I'd be happy if she'd just stop phoning me every night."

All the more reason 2 learn more about plan A. You CAN 2rn this around if you're willing 2 do the work.

-ol' 2long

Miker it is not that extreme trust me. It does work, it eats the other person alive- well it did my H. Caller ID only works when you look at it and then chose not to answer!!!!!
Also Lemonman is not telling you to do Plan A or B, as he does not believe in them. He feels it makes the person doing it a human doormatt (I tend to agree, but the plan does tend to work, depends how much you are willing to be walked on for the sake of your Marriage).
Hang in there, get Caller ID, stop talking to her.

Also Miker where are you from. Your wording interests me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You can only be made a "doormat" if you let yourself be one.

If you don't "expect" results, you can't be disappointed if they don't come. And while you're just hoping, not expecting, you're "doing the right thing" by trying 2 repair your broken M - for your kids at least, remember?

You just want 2 be able 2 look back on this time in the years 2 come and KNOW that you did all you reasonably could. No regrets, Miker, no regrets.

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miker:
<strong> KMEJ,

Thanks for the advice. Not sure I can quite go to that extreme yet, but its a great idea. To start with I'd be happy if she'd just stop phoning me every night. I know, I know, I'll go get call display tomorrow :-)

Lemonman,

Yes I have read up on Plan A, and Plan B and read a multitude of posts on here. I can see the logic in it and how it works. I just don't know whether I want to put myself through that. Right now I think I need some emotional distance from her for sake of my own sanity. I also have put the legal wheels into motion in order to protect my children and myself because this "fog" really scares the crap out of me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Miker:

You may have misinterpreted my post. In my opinion (for what it is worth), I WOULD NEVER RECONCILE with a wayward spouse that has done and continues to do what your is doing. NO WAY IN HELL. I would do exactly what you are doing. Get space, preserve your dignity, your mental and physical health. I was just posting to you of what to expect if you try and and do Plan A, etc.... In a million years I could never go back to a wife who is doing what your is doing. It is a perfectly reasonable thing to do what you are doing in making her move out and thinking about divorce. I would fight for custody and protect yourslef and children at all costs. Good luck with all of this.

2long,

Acutally my WW is really pissed at me for how I exposed the affair. I told *everyone*. I'm not sure exactly why but I didn't find it difficult and it was really very therapeutic for me. But at any rate she is still really pissed at me and things I'm manipulating everyone to hate her.

I didn't tell the OM's W myself although I did try to phone her once and I told my W that I would phone her if he didn't tell her immediately. I had 3rd parties collaborate that he did tell her but who knows what kind of lies he's told her. I still might phone the OM's W just to compare stories but I don't want to make things ugly if there is any possibility OM may be in contact with my kids.

Already seen a lawyer and trying to protect my kids and myself as much as possible.

As far as Plan A goes. I never really knew about plan A or plan B over the last few months but I'd say I have been being overly nice to her the last while but its really taking a toll on me and I would like to put some more distance emotionally between us. Besides plan A says you have to fill her EN you weren't filling in the M but I can't get a straight answer from her cause of the fog. I have some ideas but nothing that came from her makes any sense to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong> You can only be made a "doormat" if you let yourself be one.

If you don't "expect" results, you can't be disappointed if they don't come. And while you're just hoping, not expecting, you're "doing the right thing" by trying 2 repair your broken M - for your kids at least, remember?

You just want 2 be able 2 look back on this time in the years 2 come and KNOW that you did all you reasonably could. No regrets, Miker, no regrets.

-ol' 2long </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2long makes some good points. Just realize that the process of going through PLan A and eventually Plan B is probably extremely traumatic for your children. Understand this. There is going to be a lot of heart break for you in Plan A, it is a process that has to happen if this Plan is to work. Anyone who tells you differently is in fantasy land.

I have been throught his with my children, and they handled it quite well. They actually preferred to have dad gone and mom to themselves. Lemonman, a well meaning guy- has no children and did not go though this with kids- just an FYI. I believe that Lemonman makes good points however.

Also so you know- my kids learned to like it better without their dad home. It has been since 4/04 since we have lived together again full time, and my boys still prefer to do things with me- which is kinda sad. H still does not fully comprehend the damage his A did to his wife and kids. We will never look at him the same again.

ALso because of the A, my kids and I are closer then ever- you keep building that relationship with those great kids Miker, it is something you will never regret and they will never forget.

Miker:

Penny Tupy has said before that, if the WS gets angry at something you did, it's a good indication that it was the right thing 2 do.

She'll also tell you that she isn't 'nice'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You don't need 2 be nice 2 your W 2 plan A. Plan A is 2 negotiate an end 2 the A.

Definitely get full custody of the kids if you can. Protect them from the OM. Also, talk 2 the OMW if you feel you need 2 compare notes. If you worry that the OM could become violent, that's a good way 2 find out if he has a history of it. If so, be SURE 2 protect the kids legally NOW (if not sooner), from that possibility.

When your W calls you, just make sure you don't engage in any arguments or relationship talk at all until you're ready 2 do it on your terms and without LBing. Don't let her suck you in2 her drama.

-ol' 2long

Miker, I'm sorry. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except I have no children, and my M was very happy for a long time (least I thought it was), with only a brief period of distance before my W started her A.

I think the best way to save your marriage is to use the Harley plans. If your W is gone, and you are drained, you can go to plan B immediately.

How are you the "sucker for attention"? Do you mean "glutton for punishment"? Or is she not nasty toward you?

I'm glad to be in plan B. Every little bit of contact with my wife makes me feel a surprisingly huge amount of pain, so not having to expect this contact gives me a valuable sense of safety.

Do you want to save your marriage?

GC

Lemonman,

I thought I'd be the "never reconcile" type of person too before it actually happened. Not so sure anymore though. I guess I'm kind of confused but I guess that's why I'm posting. I have also been posting on alt.support.divorce so you know I'm definitely having a bit of an internal battle with myself.


2long,

If I was dealing with someone who made any sense to me maybe I could do this plan A thing but she's in the fog so deep I don't know if she'll ever get out.


KMEJ,

Where am I from? Does my typing have a strange accent eh? :-)

no silly man- it is how you chose to write your words.

Examples:
Phoneing me
Caller display

Just got me wondering is all. No need to make fun of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

KMEJ,

Sorry, Yes I knew exactly what you were saying. I apologize if you thought I was making fun of you, it wasn't my intention. There actually is a clue where I'm from in the response I gave, which is why I gave it that way.


GC,

Thanks for the info. I think a plan B course is defnitely my best bet over the near future, just for my sanities sake. Whether I want or can still save the marriage? I don't know but we'll take it one day at a time.

no offense taken. I must be slow (or really tired <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) but I still do not know where you are from.

If you plan to do Plan B then my earlier suggestion is a must. That is the only way to Plan B someone when there is children involved and you want the kids to keep contact. Something to think on.

Thanks all. Some really good advice. I'll sleep on it and see what tomorrow brings and keep you posted. I feel so much better than when I sat down here to type!

Oh and by the way KMEJ... I'm from western Canada.

Hi Miker...reading your posting reminds me of ME back a year ago.

I am now into this for 13 months and counting.

One thing keep in your mind MOST affairs end.

It will take time to heal and to understand.

You are only at the beginning of the rollercoaster. I know you want it all to end NOW. I know you want WS to stop it NOW and to show remorse NOW. You want her to end her affair but she is not doing that. In fact she is showing so much disrespect, humiliation to you and you feel like you are living in agony. Everyday is a constant struggle.

Before you make any more steps that might lead to regrets later...please stop awhile and think.

Do not divorce because of hurt and anger. You need to take one step backward...away from WS but not too far away. You need to communicate with WS to find out if you really want her back or not. To find out if she still has that shell..that same good person you married...if you think she has that value then it is a good reason to make a plan...that plan requires a hell lot of boundaries so you wont feel hurt doing it. This is what i think Plan A is. You go into plan B only if your WS has turned into a monster or something where you can no longer tolerate.

If you do plan A with boundaries..you will not get hurt. When you get hurt...your taker will move in and you will eventually go into withdrawal and head for Divorce.

To avoid hurt...do plan A with boundaries. How do you do the boundaries...communicate with WS. Tell her what and how you feel. At the same time listen to her too. Ask her what it is that you do which may hurt her...You must do a great plan A if you want your plan B to work...this is very very important.

Talk about her actions that hurts you and proceed to work around it so that it wont happen again...example: if you see WS calling OM and it hurts. Tell her NEVER to call OM in front of you and explain to her why. Or if you dont want to bump into WS and OM then tell WS to warn you first in advance where they are going so you wont bump into each other...these are some examples of boundaries.

Us BS must be the giver in this situation and this will take up a lot of effort. However at the end of it when you do end up Divorce...at least you know you did all the right thing and you wont have any regrets.

I know you want out because it is too painful but believe me neither is plan B an easy walk. Beside you still have kids and that makes plan B a little bit harder to do.

If your intention is to get out of the pain then fine do plan B...but if your intention is to help end their affair then you MUST do plan A well for it to work.

Basically plan B is for US...help to end affair is secondary...so think very carefully before make the leap. Plan B is plan Me and it is so strong that for some BS, they dont go back to the marriage because they have lose their love for WS.

For the sake of your kids...please consider doing plan A and make it tight before you do plan B