Hi All
I have been lurking on here for a few months. Sorry, this story might turn out very long indeed.
I will now tell you of my tales of woe that have forced me to come here. It has been 25 years of Hell.
We live in Southern Australia. I have two kids S 22 & D 20. Son has left home & living with other guys his own age in house we are buying.
The timeline in this story is a bit vague as I was mostly oblivious to the things going on.
I married my wife in April 1979.
My story starts just in the humdrum of life in about 1981-1982. My wife was in training to become a nurse. As part of her training, she had to attend a Psychiatric hospital. This when I noticed things going a little strange. She went out partying most nights. She was pregnant with our first son. I thought well she had worked hard, so she deserved this time.
One night in particular, I had gone to bed 1/2 hour before she got home from a night out. She came in the front door of the house & closed our bedroom door. I thought this is funny, because I was still really awake. A man came in after her, she was careful that he did not ring the door bell & woken me up.
I got up & opened the bedroom door so I could see what was going on. A couple of times, she kept checking the bedroom door & closing it. I finally decided to go to the bathroom. I found her sitting next to him in the dark. I just said to her "Oh, you are home". She never even answered more or acknowledged I said anything. I went to the bathroom, then went back to bed.
He then left soon after that event. The next night, she went out again, with the same guy but I never saw him again.
After my son was born, I took him down the beach to give her a break away from him. We used to give 3 rings on the phone when we arrived at the destination to let the other know we had arrived safely. The time was about 4pm in the afternoon. When I rang, the phone was engaged. So, from 4pm onwards till about midnight, I tried to ring her. She answered the phone just after midnight & I told her about my attempts to call her, & she told me there was a phone company fault. The thing funny about that is that I called her mother who lives not too far away & the mother answered the phone straight away. I told her that I could ring her mother but not her & she shrugged it all off. I trusted her & let it slide, I did not check with the phone company afterwards. Suspected ONS # 1
She rang me one night, to tell me, she was not coming home & she was studying at another person's house. The thing is she never went back to that house again. She never studies for anything. I think it was a suspected ONS # 2
After my daughter was born, W had her tubes tied -I wonder why.
We had a friend over I used to work with that said he would help me setup a new computer. He disappeared out in the backyard to have a cigarette, my wife followed him. A while went by & I had a question to ask him, so I proceeded to go outside to ask him. I found my wife in a state of undress with him in a hugging mode. ONS # 3
I was mad, I went back inside & she came in & said "I have hurt you, haven't I". I told her yes. It made no difference. Everytime I brought this up as to why, she kept on saying she hated the man.
1995 - 1996. I have worked shift work on & off since 1990. I was earning good money & life seemed normal to me. I had a wife I trusted & kids growing up & going to school. I was happy in my life & work.
Somewhere between 1997-1999 we engaged a landscaper to re-do all the front & backyard & also some brick paths. I totally trusted him & believed he was a good worker. Every night I came home, something about the place had changed.
She did all the justifying the affair by saying I hit her & did not stick up for her. I have never, or attempted to hit her at all.
I said goodbye to them one afternoon as I was going for afternoon shift, I noticed they had a glazed look in both their eyes, standing side by side each other. They looked like the 2 Cheshire cats out of Alice in Wonderland. I never thought any more about it
He also did other work for my MIL down at the beach house. Building a carport. My wife jumped at the chance & said she would go & cook for him & help him out. I found out later from my MIL that they appeared more 'than just friends', 'Too chummy' were the exact words.
After all the work was completed, I had my 40th birthday. I invited all my old workmates past & present. My wife dressed up in a little black dress & looked lovely. The night started out, I went for a walk out side & saw my wife coming back from the front of the house. She looked as though she was looking or waiting for someone.
The party started & I no longer saw my wife anywhere. I was too caught up & my family had to help with feeding the lot of the guests.
A strippergram came & went & the party carried on till 4 am in the morning, when I said goodbye to the last guest out front.
I got ready for bed & found my wife in bed. I asked where she had been & she told me "She was raped by someone at the party" I asked her if she wanted to go to the police & she said "No". She told me to tell anyone who asked, that she had attended to a neighbour who was sick at the time.
I have known all these people for years & so has my wife because she worked at the same place before doing nursiing. To accuse
any of these people was really hard to take & I spent a long time agonising over 'Who it could possibly be'.
She said she was so terrified to go out at night & I escorted her to her car each night she had to go for work.. Over time I let this slide & forgot about it.
I got all the foggy answers, like if I told her I loved her, she would reply I know you do"
Another one, if she saw a bride going to the church, she would say "Look at those stupid people"
We used to go to MIL for dinner on every Sunday night. I heard her say "The landscaper is getting married". I never took much notice of it, but it gets me wild now as a trigger.
One afternoon, she packed her bags & started putting them in the car. I told her I did not want her to leave & she told me "I had to do more around the house".
Start of 2001, I walked in on her on the internet & she minimised an open window. She came straight out & said "Nothing is going On"
That struck me as odd, because I never said anything to her. Now a big red flag in my book. She minimised her use on the Internet told me she hardly ever goes on. But the monitoring software told a different story. She was on from the time the kids & I left in the morning till we came home.
I got the ILYBNILWY.
I let it go, but at the first opportunity I installed Spector. I then found out the true things going on. She asked if we could buy a Scanner & Camera for the Internet. I was gathering information & could see what was finally going on. I asked her if she was going to meet any of these men, mostly from America. She said "No"
I had a IC booked for myself & I told her about going to see her. She said "That was my problem".
It all came to a head in August. I confronted her with all the information & she said "It was just a fantasy". I knew she was going to meet the guy in a Hotel in our home town in the day or two.
I was sneaky & told her I would meet her on the same night for drinks at a hotel. She decided against going to meet the guy.
She was supposed to go to a funeral on the same day & go out for drinks with the attendees afterwards. I caught her out, because she never went to the funeral at all.
I told her we need counselling & she agreed to go. But never has made an appointment for herself.
In Dec 2001, she told me she was leaving after Christmas, but she never has left.
I was setting in concrete an Sundial in the front which reads "Grow old along with me the best is yet to be". She told me "I have done some things in my life I am not proud of". I let this go, & waited for the full confession. It never came.
In Sept 2002, I was still shift & working in another office. I found out from him, that at my 40th party he had attended, 3 other people saw my wife leave with the Landscaper for the night.. I let it slide but I stewed over it. We got in an argument one night in Nov 2002 & I let her have it about knowing where she was. She still brings up her answer about the rape & gets so angry.
The morning after I told her about what she did at the party, she kissed me hard & said "I only want you".
I have told her that we need to find out "WHY' or it will happen again. Open & honest conversation about the situation. She avoids this at all costs
Now to things happening now. She has started a new job about 18 months ago in the travel industry Just lately I went to pick up D's car getting serviced. when I returned wife was mad. She claims a woman keeps calling for me. Does not leave a name or number.
I honestly do not know of any woman that would call me like that.
She got very angry at that particular time & told me I had not filled the Dogs Water Bowl. She also said that "The house is falling down". I asked what was falling down & she said "It is Spring time & everything needs a good clean." That seemed a stupid answer & a red flag for me. I asked if she was cheating on me. I got no answer. I told her "She was Nasty".
On the signs of cheating it says that the cheater creates an argument over a trivial thing. She then left & went up the local shopping centre, not once, but twice, one after another.
She came back & she apologised for blowing up.
I have caught her out again lying to me. I went to near the place where she works. I saw her and another woman leave for their lunchtime. I saw them cross the road.
She tells me, the reason she walks to work is for the exercise. When she rang to tell me she was on her way home I took the dogs to meet her. I told her I saw her going to lunch. She said she only gets 1/2 hr & did not go out for lunch. She says "By the time I get coffee, there is no time to go out for lunch.
I also found out recently, that she calls the Landscaper every year for his birthday.
She has never shown remorse or said she is sorry for what she has done in the past.
If I ask a question about the past, she always says "Oh we are not on this again are we" I just think she wants to sweep everything under the rug. I am thinking she is a Serial Cheater.
We had an argument last week in the car. I told her I loved her & she said "I know". I said to her that was the same thing she said to me when she was screwing around with the Landscaper. She then told me she was leaving after her current trip to Malaysia.
The trouble is now, thinking back in time, I was so stupid not to see the things that stared me in the face.I feel so used, humiliated, betrayed, & my life is totally wasted, that she got away with all this & still says she loves me. SAYS is the word though, all my workmates know that she has done the earlier time. I have even thought of suicide.
The photos of her & my mothers & fathers were in the bedroom, they just disappeared about the same time of the Landscaper was here. To me, that means she took him to our bed.
The glazed look in their eyes, her willingness to go & look after him, but I stayed home to look after the kids.
I have never cheated because I have set boundaries. I just don't go there.
She claims "I have given her 25 years of hell" but never elaborates on it. She has definitely given me the same.
My main couple of questions follow:-
I think the party (marriage) is over. As I said, I have definite gut feeling she is cheating again on me buy the points below.
1. The blow-up about the spring cleaning & the trips to the shops.
2. Lying about going out to lunch.
3 Talking about the guys name all the time (He is going to Ireland to see U2). He is on page 19 of the book. He was going to a party.
4. Deleting phone numbers from her Recent Called list on the phone.
5. A phonebook addition of the number 233 with no name attached.
6. Pointing out my flaw (Snoring).
7. No hugging or cuddling me, no coming anywhere near me.
8. No Intimacy since August.
9. Cold shoulders
Does anyone understand why she consistantly does these things?
All I want to do is kick her a$$ out in the street. I am sick & tired of this constant unfaithfullness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
She left the other day to go with our daughter for two weeks to Malaysia. I dropped them off at the airport. She gave me a hug & told me she does not really want to leave & that she loves me. She said we will figure it out after she gets back & if I still want her to leave. She said I had to pack her stuff up for her. I just think she is stalling me so when she gets back she can continue the cheating with the OM who I have heard is married.
What do you guys think my chances are, for reconcilliation stalled and in limbo for a long while now?
Never wanting to talk about the past. No intimacy or closeness. I have to go to her to get even a kiss, sometimes she tilts her head forward & I get a mouthfull of hair.
She is two faced. Calls me "Sweetie" when her mother is around & then will not have anything to do with me after MIL is gone.
I have sent her the links to Marriage Builders & Surviving Infidelity site - But she says " she is not going to those Cheating Sites"
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your valuable time.
Peter
