"What I HAVEN'T seen is a WS asking how it feels to be a BS - what impels US through recovery. Occasionally BS pain manifests itself brutally as with friend Noodle's post on Nov 1st, but rarely a direct explanation of how a BS is affected by infidelity and recovery."

Read this part and tried to search for the Nov.1 post by Noodle and can't find it! Can someone please tell me how to access it?

I am still reading all of this thread, but forwarded Bob Pure's post to my WH to read. I said how it explained the way I've felt since DDay.

The last 2 days have been trigger-filled. My WH had his first MD (pre-IC) appt yesterday and it made me relive DDay all over again. Plus, began reading His Needs/Her Needs book that I'd ordered. The section at beginning which describes a typical marriage leading to a PA was sooooo painful to read! I've been in tears so often lately. Am home today with a sick child, so plan to do a lot of reading (when not being his nurse, poor baby). Any help would be welcome.

MP

Noodles' post was an outpouring of pain aimed at a barely "F" WS that ws considered to be unfair by many posters. It was about how death and flogging is not unfair for adulterers who cause such pain in the mind of a BS ( she was not advocting such BTW, just venting).

There followed a pretty unpleasant debate about how FWS are treated gently here while FBS are never allowed to say how they feel. we lost a couple of FWS from posting whcih was sad.

This post was my way of letting FWS know the devastation caused to a BS by discovery of an affair so that occasional angry or sad outbursts by BS and FBS can be sympathised with.

Not sure it will be positive for you to seek out this post, maybe Noodle can help you with a link ?

I hope you are recovering now MP

All blessings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by megpup:
<strong> "What I HAVEN'T seen is a WS asking how it feels to be a BS - what impels US through recovery. Occasionally BS pain manifests itself brutally as with friend Noodle's post on Nov 1st, but rarely a direct explanation of how a BS is affected by infidelity and recovery."

Read this part and tried to search for the Nov.1 post by Noodle and can't find it! Can someone please tell me how to access it?

I am still reading all of this thread, but forwarded Bob Pure's post to my WH to read. I said how it explained the way I've felt since DDay.

The last 2 days have been trigger-filled. My WH had his first MD (pre-IC) appt yesterday and it made me relive DDay all over again. Plus, began reading His Needs/Her Needs book that I'd ordered. The section at beginning which describes a typical marriage leading to a PA was sooooo painful to read! I've been in tears so often lately. Am home today with a sick child, so plan to do a lot of reading (when not being his nurse, poor baby). Any help would be welcome. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello..Noodle here.

I suspect the post you are referring to was edited and the entire thread closed. It was in response to a FWW who had confessed at the urging of many here and things had gone badly for her.

I'll say right off the bat that the post was badly worded..as evidenced by nearly every single person who read it misinterpreting it. There was no anger or rage or hurt involved..but what I was trying to comunicate was the frustration with the perception of the WS vs the perception of the BS.

It is so common for a WS to be..well frankly a little haughty about it. A little blase. As though they had a traffic violation..but nothing more serious than that. So get over it already.

I think that there are at least two contributing factors to this attitude..self protection and lingering fog..maybe they are joined. The ability to not quite look directly at what you have done. I try to imagine being in that position..and what I would feel about myself..and I can't stand the shame even in fantasy.

This particular poster has said something along the lines of..well I'm not going to grovel ..and I thought..why not? Is groveling beneath you? You rutted and lied and stole and killed like a rabid animal..but you won't be humiliated?

See..from my perspective..adultery is on par with murder ..if it is not confessed before engaging in sex with the spouse..it is also rape.

So basically..you have a rapist and murderer saying that they are somehow too good to beg for mercy.

Not really an appealing attitude to a BS. Not remorsefull in the least.

So I tried to communicate that with the assumption that since the crime they are guilty of is a capital offense that the BS could tie the offenders together..drag them into the street and set them on fire and still be reacting in kind. Reacting with the same degree of viciousness that they have themselves been dealt.

All of this to try and bring the perception of BS and WS to understanding.

Well..it went very badly. I didn't put the effort in that such a post would require..I wrote it in a hurry 'cause I had other stuff going on at the same time and I wasn't carefull to make my "you's" generalized and other such sloppiness..it sounded like I was suggesting that THIS poster who was already down should be tortured and killed..or that I would like to do such a thing in my own sitch.. it was poor judgement on my part..although I would like to see the subject addressed someday.

I hope that answers your question..if you have more just give me a holler.

Noodle

Bob - couldn't have said it any better. Couldn't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong> Jenny , thank you that was the GREAT FEELING I had ,,,, TO ME IT WAS CALLED

"Knowing I am RIGHT and NOW I WILL SEE IF I WANT TO BE M "

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ALong with you and jenny, I too, felt relief that I was not crazy- although it was the one time I wish I was.

I get the "I knew I was right" feeling. That, and a feeling of control (once the first 3 months where I walked in a daze were over). Now I had the ontrol to make or break this M. He had chosen to destroy it without consulting me- but now he had to sit and wait until *I* decided what *I* wanted.

It was a refreshing feeling.

Now it was his turn to feel out of control, feel rejected, feel frightened, feel lonely...you get the picture.

The sad part of it was that I worried I was too harsh- until my therapist told me I needed this time to regain my self esteem, to feel in control, to make decisions- because before all this was done by my H without consulting me.

Thankfully, I had an H who, after dday, was SO remorseful, so willing to do anything to save his M that he *got* the fact that this time I was in charge and he let me have my time, with no whining, complaining, anything.

albw

i m just sick and tired of hearing all ws complain abouth there needs not being met
Be sure it was the other way around too
So for all bs betrayal it comes like a double devastation No wonder a lot of bs are on anti d or try to kill themselves to get rid of the unbearable pain