Had another talk with my WW last night. She told me that over the 10 years of our marriage, numerous people have told her she should pack her stuff up and leave me, but she never did. She said she stuck with me because she loved me and I was her soulmate. Recently she has been asked if I ever cheated on her and she tells people she doesn't know. She always thought I may have, but chose not to expend her energy looking into that.

I came to the conclusion that I am a controlling, mistrusting, non-communicating person with a lot of misguided intentions. I told her she deserves to be happy and that maybe she would be happiest without me in her life. I just want her to be happy and think that that may only be possible if we go our separate ways. I really do not want to disappoint her again as I have sooooo many times in the past.

I love my wife and want the best for her. Right now, I feel the best for her is life without me.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
MIF?

mif,

And then there's the OTHER choice.....she stops the affair, and you start treating her as she deserves to be treated.

What's wrong with THAT choice???

I guess what I am saying is what if I can't treat her the way she deserves to be treated? What if I can't conquer my demons, so to speak? I want her to be happy and I fear I may just end up hurting her some more if she decides to commit herself to me one more time.

For 10 years all I have done is let her down, time and again. I don't want to do that anymore, and wonder, can a leopard change his spots?

MIF?
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

Well mif....I can only speak from my own experience....MY leopard changed HIS spots. Even if you don't stay with your wife....controlling, mistrusting and non-communicative behavior is going to destroy your life...so you need to do something about that anyway? right? Why not start now?

Well, Star. Once again you are right. It is time for me to change me for the better. I guess I figured that if my WW and I got back on track the mistrust would go away, and so would the controlling. I became that way as a result of our failing relationship.

Well my D-day was only 6 weeks ago. That is why I have been so down today. My WW says that no matter what happens with us the OM will always remain her friend. The more I think about that the more I realize I can't do that. I just can't see that I will ever be comfortable with their relationship. I had been hoping that she would put him on the back burner for now, we would get our marriage back on track and she would forget about him and not feel the need to have him as a friend. She keeps insisting that he will always be a part of her life. I am hurting imensly over this whole mess and do not want to prolong it any longer. I got to thinking that I could keep trying to make this work only to have her keep up with contact of OM, and find 6 months or a year down the road we are still in the same posistion we are currently and I have then suceeded in dragging out my pain and suffering for an additional year. Everyone I speak to seems to agree with me that we will never be able to save our marraige if she doesn't cut off all contact with him, except my WW.

I mentioned it to the MC last night and he agreed, my friends and family agreed. I even gave my physician a brief explanation of what was going on today and she agreed. I was there for a med check, checking my anti-depressants and cholesterol meds.

This really is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I do not want a divorce, but feel I can't go on hurting. I don't want to hurt any more. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I actually considered suicide earlier today, but the thought of my children kept me from it.

MIF?
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

Of course she says that OM will always be her friend. They all say that. Pay no attention. She is still in the fog. If you are only 6 weeks into this you have a way to go and it is not hopeless. Keep reading and you will be able to predict her behavior, knowing what is coming will help shield off some of the hurt. You will get through this. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, but no matter how bad you feel right now, you will not always feel this way. I promise. When things get really bad focus on the good things in your life, like your children, family and friends.

I just feel like I have made all the effort thus far. She has done nothing. I am working on changing my ways. I have started talking a lot more. I have become more affectionate. She continues to contact the OM. Last night we were talking and she says, "I'm not bringing this up to make you mad, but the last time I talked to [OM]..." and she was beaming. She was happy just talking about talking to him. I could see it in her face. A look she used to have for me...

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

MIF?

Have you read about the 180 approach yet? It may help you. Here it is:


Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

I did read something about that here. I don't know if that would work. I don't know....

What's the harm in trying? I can only speak from my experience and it seems to work for me. The 180 enables you to step back from the R a little and focus on you. You move on, you do fun things, you become the person everyone wants to hang out with. But at the same time you are pleasant and respectful to WW; however, you do not go out of your way for her. For me, the 180 is a break from a total Plan A, when Plan A becomes too much.

What are you doing for yourself? Exercising? Going to church? Going out with friends? Planning wonderful fun exiciting outings with the children? Make her wonder why you are so fun and happy. In the beginning you will be faking it, don't worry about that. Just keep up with the plan. Get out a calendar and start scheduling things to do. Keep busy. Invite WW to join you, if she doesn't then it's her loss not yours. Don't show her it bothers you, just make sure she knows what a great time you and the kids had without her.

This is hard, but you can do it. It is so easy to fall into that deep depression and wallow in the self pity. I know I did and still do sometimes. However, this doesn't get you anywhere. Focus on the goal and take steps to get there. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Marriage is forever

I have not posted on this board for at least 18mths but when I read your post I had to reply.
I discovered H's affair in Jan 2000 and divorced in Nov 2003 but I believe wholeheartedly in this programm.

I believe that this whole experience changes all concerned. It changes your WW and it changes U. At the moment you are not sure that you can treat her as she deserves. Stop for one moment and think how much you love her. Not about what she deserves just purely how much you love her and then treat her how you think she should be treated. But be prepared for little of now acknowledgement of this, just try to picture a big bank and you are making plenty deposits right now. she will see this eventually.

At this time you have to also invest in yourself, you are worth it too. Remember your qualities as well as your weaknessess and take care of YOU!

annie h

Thanks, Annie.

It's just that I'm at rock bottom right now. I feel desperate. I don't know how long I can go on like this.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hey hang in there it will get better.

You are a person who cares that is what makes it so difficult for you. Sometimes we have to invest an awful lot for very little return other times we make a decision and we take a risk. Whatever decision we take we will work on it BUT don't rush it. This is important and it has to be right. Take your time and try to go with your feelings, but do not snatch at decisions take your time.

I know you are at rock bottom but to use an old cliche "the only way is up". It is true you will get there. Use everyone you know and care about here on the board. We are here to listen and to bounce ideas off of. You aren't alone and there is always someone who may just have the advice you need that day.

Divorce is a big decision but it is not necessarily the wrong one. It can be right for somepeople just don't rush it.

I don't regret divorcing but I also haven't lost my faith in marriage so I believe for me I came to the right decision. Use all the tools available to you and you will get there in time.

I am thinking of you,
annie

Sorry had to deal with kids

Not suggesting that you should divorce just trying to let you know that there are no closed options for you.

I know having talke and still talking to WH that they are in a fog and do not always appreciate our actions but there does come a point when it does become clear. Mr WH fully admits now that he can't believe what he has thrown away for me it is too late I have moved on but you have a chance. Believe in yourself and then your actions are more natural. You will get there and come to the decison that is right for you.

Have strenght but remember to invest in you.
annie

Thanks again annie. Had a long talk again. I told her everything I had mentioned here. I realized that we have only been to the MC once together and once each alone, so I at least need to give that more of a chance. I don't want to throw this all away. I love my W and want so much for this marriage to work. I can't go off making these rash decisions when I am in these kind of moods. I am feeling a bit better now, I guess because I am not thinking it's the end of my marriage anymore. All day long I felt like my marriage was over and that was why I was severely depressed.

I did ask her to tell me when she contacts the OM. I told her I won't ask what they talk about, but would like to know when they do. It will be a good sign, I guess, if she does not hide it and tells me. That probably sounds odd, oh well. It seems like the thing I want from her right now.

MIF?

Just wanted to say it's a new day and I am still here. I feel a lot better today than yesterday and haven't given up on my WW yet. I feel a bit more positive today. Once again I feel like we will get through this.

I just hope I don't have any more days like yesterday again. Don't really know what set that whole chain of events into motion, but if I could figure that out I definitly would avoid that at all costs.

MIF?