I would be happy with a passionate kiss purhaps. Actually I think I have forgotten how to "french" kiss it has been so long. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now you're talking, KMEJ! I hope that day is in my future...

yeah me too! however it is doubtful with my H. If you read my thread (yeah it is now LONG) you would get the full details. Quick run down. fWH made contact with OW, and asked my best friend if she wanted SF with him. He says it was all in fun... Anyway- not looking so good for the J team.

Still want that kiss someday though!

*** double post*** Opps <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Bear, the hugging and cuddling is great, but really think how long you can do that w/o trying SF. Then think of getting turned down every time. My suggistion, if you get your wish and hopefully you do, take care of your self before hand, but what are you going to do at 5..6 in the morning(you know what I mean), I guess take a cold shower.

What maybe good for me is, I have a birthday next week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And back to the question, when? When? When will they want it. I guess we will all see. It's our job to be patient.

All in All, we just want our WS to want us.

Yeah, my FWW and I almost never kiss...when we do, it is a quick pop kiss just on the lips....nothing more.

She has said that maybe it's my breath....we'll I've done everything possible to correct that...bushing teeth, mouthwash, breath mints, you name it. She says that when she thinks about kissing me, it disgusts her. Man, that really hurt! I think it is some kinda mental block thing...been going on since before the A. I guess it was one of the first signs of our marriage troubles that led up to the affair.

I really miss kissing my wife....like REALLY kissing her. Most of the time when I lean down to kiss her goodbye, she turns away and only offers me her cheek or forehead. I feel rejected because of this...most of the time.

Is it strange to anyone but me that my H is 26 and has no interest in me? I come on to him and he says no (yes he had the A- but still) however if he wants some he does not stop until he gets it? I love my H. I just hate the feeling of continued rejection. Why do we subject ourselves to that?
ALso what is up with when we initially got back together we were acting like we were in Highschool again, anytime anyplace, and now it is so rare (like once a week-sometimes more sometimes less- typically when he wants too).
Should I be happy I am getting any? I am the GIRL and I want it WAY more then He does, is that typical?

I miss just feeling close to my H. I would be thrilled if he even acknowledged me before he left by saying goodbye. I would be floating if he gave me a hug or a kiss!!!

I miss the intimacy. The hugs, anything to show that we are a couple, not roommates. You know?
I asked him why he does not hold my hand, kiss, hug, anything??? His answer...."why?" not why am I asking, but why should he bother. That hurt badly.

I am sorry your wife is so cold. I am sorry she does not know what she is doing to you and your marriage. Please hang in there.

Don't know what to tell you. I have never turned it down, can't imagine ever turning it down. I mean, unless you are asking for it 2,3 times a day. Even then I still wouldn't turm it down. He's 26? I remember 26, not that long ago. If he is like me, mental issues still don't block you from that. I really don't know what to tell you.

I will have to say this, rejection for a guy is expected from time to time. I mean, even when my M was at its absolute best I still was turned down from time to time because of being tired, etc. However, if W initiates, there is no way I turn it down. Unless I had just gotten done working a 16 hr day in 100 degree heat digging ditches (just an example, I am not a ditchdigger). Even then, we would make "arrangements".

You are too funny.

Another question, my H's favorite time to start things is at like 2-3 in the morning, when I am out cold and he has been watching adult flicks. Granted he works from 4-1, but still. I get home at 2:30 he leaves at 3:30, we could make arrangements to entertain the kids (did on Monday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> my idea though). Why does he wait until I am so out of it I am just a body laying there?

Also what is with this new thing of no kissing? Do they think that they are betraying their former "soulmate?" what about us loving spouse that waited for them to wake up?

I am glad you would not turn your wife down. I did not mean to imply that you were that much older then us. I was just using his age to show what his s*x drive should be....

No offense taken, I was just pointing out that I am close enough to that age to remember what it's like.

Anyways, you work off schedules, that does create a problem. 2 AM is really the only together time you have available. The bigger problem I see is that he watches the flicks, gets all revved up and expects you to be there to satisfy his needs. It appears he doesn't want SF to be one w/you, rather to fill his own needs. Well, I can understand it, and it might work for a little while but this is a bad, bad rut to get into.

I don't know how much influence you have now, but if it were me this would be a good compromise: get rid of all the porn, no more of it, if it's not gone H isn't getting anything. If he gets rid of it all, and kicks this habit, you 2 can do it anytime he wants 24/7. I would go for that, yet all people are different. Therapy is actually what he needs. That stuff can be very addicting. I don't get it, why would H be a spectator when he could be a participant?

Did I happen to mention that I hate the 2-3 am wake up call? It is only to fill his need. Sometimes he does try, but he is focused on his need. It is usually that or he wants OS, because "you are Sooooo good at it" maybe I should start to be bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

I found out yesterday that H has been now downloading the stuff. What is the purpose? Do you suppose I do not turn him on? Okay granted I had three kids, no longer the hotest body. But then again I Had 3 of HIS kids and I am a size 8/9, and 5'6-not sure what the hang up is. Is it because I am blond with blue eyes and not brunette with brown eyes (op)?? What is the deal?

Is there something that works for men to get him interested again??????

K- like Bear, I don't understand either. I'll take it when I can get it. I wish my wife had your S drive.

SC- I may be in the same boat as far as the kissing. I have always loved kissing and Pre-A she really didn't and sometimes blamed my breath and being aware of it I would brush before I tried kissing or Sex, but no results. I need to quit dipping skoal(it was a baseball thing). Try brushing your teath whenever you can especially when you get home. Also, get a tounge scraper. Do some research.

I do beleive they feel that they are betraying OM/OW.

K- Your size sounds v. proportionate, but if you feel uncomfortable with your weight, than you should work on it. It will give you something to do for yourself and make you feel better about yourself. And build you confidence, he will notice. But if that is no the case, I wouldn't do it for him. Have you tried talking to him about sex situation.

I talk to him about it alot. I ask when we are going to stop having s*x and start Making love again. He says he does not know the difference. There is a difference. He says he is attracted to me, says he always have been. Says he loves me. Just feels that i am always pushing him away. Also that we never have anytime together. I say we should make the most of the time we have. I could go for "it" daily- if the interaction and communication was right. you know- no lovebusting. you have no idea what a turn on it is for a woman when a man does things with out being asked, and is sweet.

Try hugging your wife for no reason. Call her to see how her day has been, tell her you love her. Tell her she looks beautiful. Show her to you she is perfect. If any of that were to happen, my H would not get through the door. But then again that is just me. I did not use to be this way.

I want to work on my body, however he will not let me join a gym, and bought me a tredmill. Has anyone tried running on a tread-mill with 3 kids trying to jump on? Not happening. I have been able to lose 50# already, just need to lose the last 20. My parents want me to stop this whole dieting thing- but I am not ready yet. However my self-esteem does not inhibit my SD.

Also lately I have been so sad by the rejection I do the worst thing, EAT EAT EAT, and sit in front of the computer and talk to you all

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> time to start the dance hour again. That is where the kids and I crank the radio and shake our Booties (as my 4 year old says). We basically dance and make fools of ourselves for an hour. We laugh and it wears them out and burns calories for me.

In the wake of my wife's affair, we have had some very open, detailed discussions about sex and intimacy. I think it's been very good for us.

It's clear to both of us - it has been for a long time - that our sex life was seriously off-track prior to the A. Basically, we got into a lot of habits that we were both repulsed by. But...we didn't TALK about the fact that we were repulsed. So...we stayed away from each other, for the most part. That deepeened our sense of isolation from each other.

Over the last few weeks, I think we have gotten back on track. It hasn't been easy - it's taken a lot of radical honesty. But...we've both discovered that we have a lot in common, in terms of what we like and don't like, and we've made simplicity the center of our love life.

As a result, we are both a lot more fulfilled than we have been in a long, long time.

can I ask how you approched the subject? Or how you were able to be so open about it. That is my problem. I do not know how to open up or talk with out feeling embarrest, unless we are on the phone (but then he does not talk, silence is hard to hear) or dark. I guess I never feel comfortable opening up my feelings to him with out worrying that I will be made fun of...

Well..it was kind of an outgrowth of the other relationship-building stuff we've done.

We did the emotional needs assessment, and that has a section on sexual fulfillment. We started talking about our answers to that, and it seemed like we really both wanted to simplify our sex life and to set clear limits.

So...we made up a new questionairre that focused on sex acts, positions and that kind of thing. The aim was to see if we both enjoy them, don't enjoy them, or don't care. If there were acts or positions that one of us didn't enjoy.. we scratched that from the list. Eventually, we came up with about five or six things that we both really, really like....and those are the ones that we focus on.

don't suppose you have a copy of that questionaire do you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sounds like a good plan.

I am happy for you, sounds like you are on the right track.

I wish my W would allow me to show that kind of affection now. I want to, now. I was like most other H's prior to this, i took my W for granted. That will never happen again.

KMEJ. You lost 50#'s, great! Size 7/8 is a good size. You lose another 20 and you treading into movie star territory where it is a full time deal mantaining that weight, aren't you. I don't know much about dress sizes, etc. You should exercise for your overall health, and the dancing is not only exercise but a fun activity that your kids will remember the rest of their lives. What else can you do with 3 kids? I'll think of some things and get back to ya.

I myself was a former Dline college football player. My weight ballooned to 310 1 1/2 yrs ago. Though noone knew it, all thought I was 280. I am built, muscular. My W loved me at that size so that wasn't it. I am now 227. My W has told me on several occasions how proud she is of me for doing that. People now accuse me of being sick or something. No, I run a couple miles a day, and now don't eat (had a bagel yesterday morn, couple DCokes since). Never hungry, but I will eat a gooood lunch in about 5 minutes and be set for the day.

As for all this other stuff we've gone over, you sound like a dynamite gal. Your H should consider himself lucky. You hang in there, keep improving yourself, for you. Keep working on your M, it will get better.