Didn't think this would be such a trigger but it is. All I can do is think back to that day 6 months ago when my life was changed forever. I knew something was wrong but didn't have the guts to speak up or do anything about it. I was focusing on the baby and becoming a family, WH was trying to find a way to confess to me. So much has changed since then. Prior to D-day I was was unable to address the problems in our M. Problems that seem so obvious now. I know we weren't happy, I often wonder how long I would have let things go on the way they were if this hadn't happened. I became complaisant and lazy. I was so naive, I had no idea the work that had to go into a M to make it work. In the past 6 months I have learned and grown as a person. I have made steps to be a better person and a better wife, someone that will be a positive role model for my daughter. Someone that I can be proud of. I have reconnected with family and friends and have realized what wonderful people I have in my life.

I know I will survive this one way or another. I just can't help but be sad today when I look at where my life is right now. I should have enjoyed this time in my life. I feel like I have been robbed of enjoying my first pregnancy. I still fear being home alone in the middle of the night when I go into labor. And I'm sad to think there is a chance that my daughter may never know what it is like to have her family all together. I hate that I may miss part of her growing up and I might not get to spend every holiday with her. But I am greatful that no matter what I will have her with me and will do what ever it takes to make sure she has a happy childhood.

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: kloe72 ]</small>

kloe -

You have been through a lot with expecting your first child and having to realize your husband was being unfaithful. Don't give up hope. Most affairs end, and chances are, he will come back.

Don't worry about going into labor in the middle of the night. You will most likely have lots of time, probably hours and hours before your contractions get regular.

I'm thankful that you have made it this far as well as you have.

Kloe, change is scary, and often growth is painful. You have done both, at a time that is extra difficult with expecting your first child. And you have risen to the challenge. You inspire me. You are awesome.

In you, I see strength, and fearlessness. Not naive fearlessness - you know how bad things can get, you have been there done that, and now you are looking for what is coming next.

Try not to think so much about the far future, with missing summers and holidays if there is a D. Think only of how wonderful it will feel to finally hold your beautiful daughter, after HER own strange and scary and painful journey into this world. You are the BEST role model already for her. You have already given her the best possible chance of success in her life. All the choices you have made are to that end.

You can sleep well every single night knowing that you have done just that. And you will reap rewards beyond your imaginings from that work some day. It might not look the way we think it will, but you are blessed.

Peace, Spidey

Thank you guys for the kind words. It's been kind of a rough day. Everyone at work kept asking me if I had allergies today because my eyes were so red from crying. Then when I got home and checked my home e-mail, my SIL had sent an e-mail to the family inviting everyone over for her sons birthday party. I'm sure it was meant to go to WH, she probably didn't realize he doesn't use that e-mail address any more so I just forwarded it to his work. It just made me sad to be reminded that I am not part of the family right now. WH comes from a huge family (13 children and I am carrying the 20th grandchild) and they have been such a big part of my life for the last 9 years. I was at SIL's wedding and at the hospital visiting when both of her children were born. I can't even count the hours spent babysitting. Everything just seems to be setting me off today.

WH replied to my e-mail: "Thanks for forwarding to me. Do you want to go?" Of course I want to go, I want my life and family back. I wish I could figure out what was going through his head. Why would he invite me?

Why would he invite you? Because he misses you, at least as his good friend, and wants to spend time with you.

One of the first times my H invited me out was to dinner with him and the boys, on his night with them. I had already "detached" from him, like you have, and went just as his friend.

We ended up catching a show afterwards, with the boys sitting between us. It was wonderful, just being with him again, as a family.

I think you should go with him. I think it will do him good to be with you at a family function again. Perhaps a re-introduction of you into the family?

How do you feel about going. Can you do it? What are your concerns?

Spidey

I'll go, at this point I'm not turning down a home cooked meal! I've stayed close with some of his family through this (too many of them to stay close with all of them even when we were together), especially one of his sisters and his mother.

Please post on how it goes!

I guess it was a good weekend. WH came over Saturday and worked on the yard and watched a little football. He left around 4 pm, he was going to a basketball game with a friend. As always, when he tells me what he is doing he told me who he was going with, I never ask. Today he came over and did some more yard work and watched the Redskins games. I then went over to his Moms house for our nephews birthday party. The party was nice, it was good to see all the kids. Although I barely saw WH during the party. After every one else had left it was me, WH and BIL watching TV. WH didn't even sit next to me. When I got up to leave he just said goodbye from where he was and I left.

So even though he spent quite a bit of time with me, he still is so far away. He seems content to just let things go on as they are forever. I know things may change when the baby gets here, but right now nothing.

I'm sorry, Kloe. I wonder what is going on in his BRAIN??? You might just have to stick it out there (again) soon, and ask him what the heck is going on.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Almost time for baby Kloe girl!!!

Hey, I'm going to be in Maryland next May for a wedding. Wanna do lunch? Me and you and SML? And the babies???

That would be SOOOOO fun.

Spidey

Lunch in May would be great!

I'm really at a loss as to what I should do now. I know I should probably confront him and ask him what his plans are for the future. But a part of me wants to wait until the baby gets here. He plans to take 6 weeks off to spend with me and the baby, but no mention of what that entails. Will he come over every morning and leave at night? If that is his plan, will he really be able to leave his child every night? I know I couldn't. He keeps talking about finding a new job (OW is a co-worker) while he is off. When ever anyone asked him about his work last night, he said he hated it. He has a friend who owns his own business and has tried to hire him in the past. He may spend some of his time off working with this friend to see what the job would entail. Of course that means cutting into the hours he would see the baby if he goes back to his Moms every night.

I was doing alright being alone for the last 6 months. But now I am so tired and lonely. I can barely remember what it is like to have someone hold me. Here comes the depression once again.

{{{{{Kloe}}}}}

I know it seems like FOREVER until your little girl will be here to know, but she will be along soon enough. Please take this time as total Focus On Kloe time. Go get a pedicure, manicure. Rest rest rest - there will be little enough of that when your little bundle gets here and begins communicating her needs to you. Basically, it all sounds the same at first - crying. Cry, I'm hungry, cry, I'm wet, cry, I'm tired, cry, you are not doing that right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know you've babysat a lot. You are going to be a wonderful mother. And perhaps that is what your H is doing. Maybe he is waiting to see how he feels about you and her after she arrives.

I tend to lean more toward what you have said, meaning I think he will fall in love with both of you, and not be able to leave again. Then, he will be properly motivated to do the hard work of recovering your M.

AND, if he STILL is fencesitting when I get there in May, well. . . you just point him out to me and I'll push him off the fence. Just shove him right off. Onto your side, of course. Then you can do with him what you will!

So, checklist for you and the baby. Get yourself pampered, rest rest rest, have you purchased any fun scrapbooking stuff for her arrival? Have you purchased enough clothes and blankets? Is everything washed and smells so wonderful and is so very soft for her?

Perhaps you could make sure your freezer is stocked with healthy foods, your cabinets are full of soups, anything you can focus on instead of the fact that your H isn't home.

So, what part of Maryland are you at? I think the wedding will be near Baltimore, but I could be wrong. That state can't be much of a drive from one end to the other, though, could it??? It's a tiny speck compared to Idaho! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep posting sweetie!

Spidey

I live in Silver Spring, right outside of Washington, DC; however, I'm not far from Baltimore. Only about 35-40 minutes. Inner Harbor in Baltimore is beautiful, and plenty of great places to eat. SML is in Frederick which is about the same distance from Baltimore.

The nursery is ready, just waiting for someone to sleep in there! I've washed, sorted and put away almost everything. The only stuff not done are all the cute pink outfits from my shower. My Mom doesn't want me to cut the tags off those in case the doctor was wrong. So they are stacked up waiting for HER to wash them while I am in the hospital. This week I need to select a Pediatrician. Day care is all lined up for when I go back to work. I'm using the one in my office building. It costs a fortune, but since I don't know how much help I will have, I had to go for convenience. One stop in the morning and if I have to work late I can go pick her up and bring her back to the office.

Now I need to focus on getting my Christmas shopping done, hopefully I can do most of it on line. I'm still debating on what, if anything, I should get WH. I'll probably get him a book on fatherhood and maybe some other small stuff.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is in two weeks. We are doing it at my house, since it is the biggest, but my parents are going to come over (they live 1 1/2 miles away) to do most of the cooking. It will be nice to have my relatives visiting, but also sad if WH doesn't join us, which I doubt he will.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So they are stacked up waiting for HER to wash them while I am in the hospital. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heeheehee. I love the way you phrase that. Wow, daycare in your office building is awesome. Have you decided if you will breastfeed, or are you going to try it first, and see if you like it? I LOVED it with my boys. Seemed really creepy, and I didn't commit to it 100% before birth, as I wanted an option out if it was as creepy as I thought it was. BUT, I LOVED it. Me and my boys were naturals. I was thinking, if you were going to breastfeed, with her at your office, you might not have to pump and store (now, I did NOT like the breast pump at ALL! Uncomfortable and it HURT. Babies don't hurt, IMO).

When we lived in Virginia, we lived in Manassas. I know Silver Spring. That will be so FUN! The wedding is on May 1, and we are in it. I'm not sure the dates we will be there. I think H and I are sending the boys back home with Grandma on the airplane, and she'll stay with them for a few days while H and I visit all our old friends. And new friends!

My friend and I went to Wal-Mart yesterday, and I put most of my xmas stuff on layaway! I am ahead for once!!! Yay. Mostly stuff for teachers, extended family, couple big gifts for youngest DS and DH. Plus some new holiday decorations. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We are going out of town for Turkey day. Youngest DS's birthday is the day before this year. Poor kid - next year his b-day could be ON Thanksgiving - again. NOT as bad as sharing your b-day with xmas, though.

Chat at you later, sweetie!

Spidey

I'm definately going to breastfeed during the 12 weeks I am home. I'd like to keep going for at least another 3 months when I am back at work, but I'm going to have to see how that goes.

Got some shopping done at lunch on line, even got a few things for WH. He sent me an e-mail today volunteering to help out more with our dogs these last few weeks. I love them to death but they do drive me crazy. If you have big dogs you'll understand. Dogs are pack animals and can only have one master by nature and that was him, so they don't listen to me very well.

I'm feeling a lot better this afternoon then I was this morning. I've got plenty to keep me busy when I get home tonight so we'll see how that goes.

WH just stopped by. Last weekend I was telling him how our vacuum cleaner didn't really work very well because of all the animal hair. I don't remember how the conversation came up but it was just a passing comment. He went out and bought me a new $500 vacuum specially made to pick up animal hair and brought it over tonight. So he is definately listening to me and seems to be trying to score points. But we are still at a stand still.

I was up half the night last night trying to figure out a way to talk to him about our future and our R. I still don't know if I should do this now or just wait until the baby gets here and see what effect that has on him.

kloe -

I breast fed my boys until they were 3 years old. Yikes! But they came out very healthy and thin. Just be sure to drink lots of fluids. Also while you are showering, rub a wash cloth over your nips, to toughen them up. Otherwise it hurts like heck, when you first start breastfeeding.

Kloe...

I am now on my 3rd child..nursed them all..and let me tell you..that first one..was rough! I didn't have a clue. It's harder than you'd think to navigate that tiny mouth into a proper latch on. They do this head shake..you'll see..it part of the rooting reflex.

Also! Just for fun..I read that baby is able to root his or her way to the nipple..decided to test that theory and I'll be pickled. It works. I laid my 1 day old son down on my chest, and he did a rooting high crawl and found his target.

Is there a le leche league anywhere near by? Consider the meetings..I never got to go..but would have liked to..lots of breastfeeding help and support..and just support in general.

Noodle

Kloe, my H bought me a scanner/faxer/copier/printer when I mentioned to him that I needed a copier for my Homeowner's Association job I started right after he left us. He was totally fogged out, could hardly look at me, yet went out and purchased something that worked with the system he already had set up in our computer room. Hmmmm. A bit of long-term thinking, in his short-term (at the time) brain.

They do the weirdest stuff! Now, when I ask H about the machine he bought me, he definately can see he did it because he still loved me. At the time, he vehemently denied buying it out of affection. Of course, my sitch was right after d-day - like 2 weeks. We were both still pretty raw emotionally.

Anyway, great advice about the breastfeeding. The hospital my oldest son ended up at (he needed the NICU for a few days, as we both got pretty sick from my water breaking early), had a special room for me to stay in, while I learned to breastfeed him, with special nurses coaching us. He and I were "naturals," though. It came very easy to both of us. It is a bit painful until you get the hang of it, but then it is pure HEAVEN. WONDERFUL. I have since come to realize, though, that it is not as easy for everyone, and no matter what happens, DO NOT consider yourself a failure. Some women think there is something wrong with them when it doesn't start off well. There ain't nothing wrong with you or the baby ~ you two might just have different "styles" is all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am so excited for you to have that baby! What was the name you picked out again? SML's will be Chloe! Then I will know 2 K(Ch)loe's!

Have a good day, hon. Are you gearing up for that Turkey day at your home? Have you talked to your H about coming over? His answer might surprise you ~ never know until you ask.

AND, since you are considering a R talk again, I will again put in my 2 cents saying - NOT knowing is worse than knowing, exactly how they feel. Even if it is not what you want to hear, getting it out there will free both of you, from your impasse. AND, what comes out in the beginning, isn't necessarily how anybody really feels long-term, it is just how they are feeling at that moment. Either way you go, recovery or more separation, you each have a long road until anything is final. Having an R talk, in my opinion, will not end the M.

HUGS to you and the big belly!

Spidey

Kloe,

The not knowing is aweful. My mom just leaned into me last night about why my FWH is separated from me. Finally I had to tell her, I'm trying to focus on things I can control.

But still, I wish there was a plan for when the A was over but the FWS has requested a temporary separation. Sometimes I wonder if I am enbabling our separation.

Tonight H is going to take the girls over night so I can sleep through the night uninterrupted. I'm going to go out and buy some cute clothes, cause I'm too small for all of my pre-pregnancy/ pre-affair clothes. I can't believe I'm a size 4. What? I credit anxiety, having two children keep me busy, breastfeeding for 4 months, and more anxiety.

Tonight, maybe I'll go dancing. I'm starting to feel rebellious.