My WW keeps telling me that she is not ready to really work on our marriage yet because she needs more time to "find herself". It has been 3 months now since D-Day and I am seeing my second counselor this week. I had to end it with the first because wife said that she would not see anybody that she knew. Coincidentily, the minister I was talking to, she had met before when she worked at this restaurant. He was a customer and she had talked to him briefly. So I'm going to start over with somebody else and hopefully she won't be able to come up with an excuse for not seeing this one. She agreed that she would come with me on like the 3rd or 4th time that I went.

In the meantime, she does little to meet my EN's and is always finding ways to be away and do things on her own. Yesterday she left home at 9am and didn't return until after midnight. Said that she went to the mountains and took pictures, then went shopping, and then went to a movie. She studies with guys from her classes a lot during the week in the evenings (she is a college student in a predominantly male dominated major...) for hours. I feel so lonely and unneeded right now. She keeps telling me that she needs more time and that she is not ready to deal with working on our marriage yet.

How much time is enough? It has been 3 months now. How long should I continue to be patient? Anybody ever been through some similar situation? Did your WS eventually come around and get serious about dealing the affair and recovery of your marriage? Have any other WS's out there ever told you or felt that they needed time to "find themselves"?

Hi SC,

Unfortunately,you are in for the long haul here if you want to try and recover your marriage and 3 months is practically just a drop in the bucket.But,there is no guarantee either way.Your WW is very young and having an A already is not a good sign for the future unless she does some growing up.So,just a few thoughts here for now:

-Don't expect any EN's of your own to be filled.WS's in an A or dealing with one that recently ended means they are usually void of any emotions to give away to the BS.Not always but since your WW sounds confused still and may be in withdrawal still,don't count on much from her.

-Consider Plan B soon if you have been doing Plan A.At some point,you will need to pull the plug on her and let her see what life is like without you waiting in the wings.If she has to "find herself",I'm sure she doesn't want you tagging along.WS's are selfish and want to be in their own little world with no one bothering them.Let her get the full effect,when the time is right.

-WS's use all kinds of similar statements like "finding themselves".In fact,there should be a book written about the script they all use.Same old same old.There were at least 2 threads going here about this very subject.So,your WW is not unique in that way at all.

-Some WS's do come around and really regret what they did and work on their marriage.But,a lot don't,more than do.If I remember correctly,Dr.Harley mentions that about 2/3rds of all marriages hit by Infidelity do not survive it.Low odds for sure but the best chance is having 2 committed spouses who want it and work at it.

-Everyone here has been through a similar situation(well,except maybe a small handful who are just helping out).

Give yourself more time but have a plan in place ok?

O

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

SCDazed, my husband and I gone through a similar situation, and I am the WW. The affair, and its end, and the prospect of rebuiliding my marriage, launched me into a deep reactive depression. Your wife may truly need to find herself and may have many, many conflicting feelings to work through. She may be avoiding all the pain by making herself so busy. She may also be seriously grieving the end of the adulterous relationship as well as grieving the hurt she caused you and your relationship together. She may truly love you and have truly loved the OM. Encourage her to seek counselling with a psychiatrist or a psychologist. It has helped me greatly. I think it is fair for you to ask for this: her continued confusion can only cause you more confusion. If she is serious about addressing the pain she caused you, she will agree.

ok, I hear you.. Plan B may be necessary at some point but I am afraid that that will spell the end. I have told her before that if she didn't want to do some basic things to get our marriage on track, then maybe she should move out for a while. She threatened that if she moved out at all, it would be for good and that she would not even consider trying to save the marriage. She so young and immature in this sense that I believe that will be true. She will take the easy way out and it will be over.

We talked some more and she gave in some and was willing to compromise on some things and that was enough for me at the time. But I feel like I'm her doormat and I know that I am letting it happen. It really hard to show that tough love when you have an immature WW who you may really be in danger of losing.

bad d good d -

Thank you for responding. It is nice to here another WW's perspective on this who has felt this way, since my WW does not communicate her feelings to me.

I agree with you. Seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist would be beneficial to her at this point and I have encourageed her to see one. She does see one every month or so to keep getting zoloft for treating her GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). But she refuses to really open up to him and tell him what's going on. She hasn't discussed the affair with him. And I can't get her to talk to anybody else about it yet. She keeps saying that she is not ready to talk about it yet.....that she needs more time to "find herself" and works some things out. How long will this last?

Any other thoughts or suggestions on this?

SCdazed--Your wife its very young to be going thru so much, so early in the marriage . She got married too young, and maybe she was not ready for the commmimentment yet. 22 years old now adays its very young. When I got married I was 18, but I compare myself then to my daughters now, and they behave like babies still. Your wife was 19 when she got married to you, she is a student still, she still wants to behave like she is single, unattached.
Right now, she does need space to sort her feelings for you. Thats good that the OM is out of the picture and she can see things more clearly,.There is nothing you can do right now, but wait and see if your wife comes around.
She might decide that she wants to be single, or maybe not. But you have to wait and not pressure her, because that will only make things worst.
Good luck in your marriage!
Myrta

Thanks Myrta,

Not what I wanted to hear, but thanks for the advice. I just scared of not doing anything here. That's what my wife wants....me to just leave her alone and give her time to figure things out for herself. I feel alone and confused and depressed. Maybe I should take the same time to "find myself" again. It just that so much of me is tied to her now and I don't believe I could be half as happy or fulfilled without her. There is like this big hole in me right now.

SCDazed- I am sorry, I know thats not what you wanted to hear, but you have to let her find her truth. It might be with you, but she needs to sort her feelings without any pressure.
You do the same, you might be surprise!
Take care
Myrta

SCDazed- I am sorry, I know thats not what you wanted to hear, but you have to let her find her truth. It might be with you, but she needs to sort her feelings without any pressure.
You do the same, you might be surprise!
Take care
Myrta <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

SCdazed,
I don't have any advice, pretty much just can say I understand. My WW while seeming to be commited to our marriage, still wants to maintain an independant life. That is a huge problem for me. It hurts me. I can't stand it.
People say time...give it time. Even round here.
I don't feel like time is on my side. Maybe I'm wrong. But I don't feel that way. I want to be pro-active, not re-active.
WW wants life to get back to normal, I don't want normal, normal got us here.

Naples-

I totally agree with you. I want to be proactive too. Normal IS what brought us to this situation. How many more months must go by before she realizes that we have to talk this out and get some help. How long will she leave me hanging, uncertain of the future. When she talks about our kids that we'll have someday and how we'll raise them, it stings cause I'm not certain that that future is definate. I'm am seriously preparing myself for the possibility of a future without her. I don't believe that anything is certain right now. I hope that we can somehow rebuild a strong and happy marriage. But I don't know if and when that will happen. All I DO know is that it won't happen until she is on board....and she is not right now.

SCdazed, it may take a long time with your wife but there are things you can do. You have several factors in your favour. One, the other man is physically out of the picture. Two, she chose to marry YOU rather than her "old flame". Three, she chose to remain with YOU, and trust me, that counts for a lot.

Please remember that the affair has probably fundamentally shaken her own sense of herself. She has been confused and she now knows that she is capable of lying and deception. She may be incredibly embarassed by her actions. She may be ashamed at hurting a good man (as you appear to be). It also sounds to me like she is very much alone. Even though she has hurt you to your core she may need your strength to get through what is a very difficult time for her as well.

You say she doesn't communicate. Wrong. She has. The affair was an act of communication. Her return to you was an act of communication. Telling you she has not told her therapist is a bold act of communication. You're communicating too - I think you mentioned that she was immature enough to leave if threatened. There is an age difference between the two of you. Is it possible she feels as though you now have the moral upper hand? Does she feel threatened by a monetary or life experience inequality? Might these or other things be hampering her opening up to you?

One thing my husband said that really helped me is this: you can say nothing now that can hurt me more than I have been hurt. He was telling me that I could be completely honest with him. I often did not want to say things because I did not want to hurt him more. Are you prepared for her to be completely honest with you? It might be painful, but could it be as painful as knowing of the affair itself? You may have to acknowledge that her feelings towards the other man were very real. My guess is that you really love this woman and are mature enough to seperate her act from her worth as a human being. Are you prepared to listen non-judgmentally to what may be very painful revelations regarding your relationship? The two of you cannot begin to heal until you both understand what caused the rift between you. She won't begin to talk until she believes you will listen without anger or withdrawing from her. The affair meant she wanted change. What change did she want? She may not even know herself and may be in the process of working through it (her understanding may therefore change as she works through the process, she is not lying, or changing her tune, she may just not know herself). If you want to save the marriage, you have to make sure you are part of that process. Maybe you secretly wanted change too, maybe this is a much needed impetus for both of you. Try reviewing Dr. Harley's policy of radical honesty.

It might be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you may have to look someone in the eye who hurt you so badly and acknowledge that they are hurting too. Try to remember the last time you said or did something unkind to her: did you feel good about yourself afterwards? Trust me, what you did or said probably paled in comparison. A true empathetic reaction from you might be what she desperately needs: permission to speak openly about her feelings. Do you feel as though she is showing you some empathy? Anything? She said she would make some changes, come to counselling after you have gone three or four times. She is obviously not closed to your needs or requests. There is hope.

My husband and I are still working through the "fallout" four months later. It is a slow, slow uphill slog and sometimes we slide back down. He's part of the process because he refused to let me shut myself down (although I really did need time alone at times to grieve for so many reasons). It's taking time but I realize now that his love for me is so much stronger than the OM's. She will come to realize this too if you continue to accept her. Threats of leaving or whatever won't win her back, just like threats with a dog don't work. She probably needs you to fight for her. Hearts and mind, right?

You are right! I do love my wife very much and I can separate her act from her worth. What I'm worried about and pray for is for HER to be able to do that. Whether or not she is able to really forgive herself (not forget or repress) but FORGIVE is going to be the key to whether or not our marriage survives, in my opinion. If she can't ever improve her dismal feelings of self worth, she may never feel like she deserves to be happy. Either consciously or subconsciously, she will do things to sabotage being happy with me. I truly think that this will go on until she starts to feel like she deserves to be happy.

Hold her to her promise to go to the counsellor after your third or fourth visit. Don't forget that the affair made her feel good - otherwise she would not have continued. It probably did bolster her self-esteem significantly. If you want to be proactive, make sure that you fill that gap for her right now. In the meantime, make sure that you make serious efforts to listen to her and what she is going through. Try as hard as you can not to be judgmental (almost everyone can fall prey to flattery, almost everyone can be lured into adultery). You can help her give herself permission to feel good about herself by reminding her that she is a good person. Try printing out the emotional needs questionnaire on this site and asking her to fill it out for you. You might learn a lot, it might be a good start for her to open up.

I really wish you both the best. She is talking about kids because she wants to reassure you. It's no guarantee but it is a sign that she cares for you.

I will take your advice and hold her to her promise on the counseling thing. Just to let you know, I'm already ahead of you on the EN survey thing. I bought Dr. Harleys book SAA 2 months ago. I read it completely and we both filled out the EN survey together about 6 weeks ago or so. It did open my eyes a little bit and I have been trying to fill her EN more. She said that I was doing well with that. She was filling my EN better for a while but that has kinda fallen off. She is kinda in a rut right now and seems to want to spend more time away from me. That is what has got me concerned.

For now, I will go to see this counselor and get things started with him. And I will remind her when my 3rd or 4th time comes up of her committment to go. And I will continue to try to meet her EN. I have to admit tho, it's realy hard to stay motivated to doing that when mine are not being met much. But I also know that that is what is required of me....unconditional love and I will stay committed to that. Thanks for your advice and encouragement. It has given me some hope which I desperately need right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />