Where have I been?
Hmmmmm.......
Mostly, I've been focusing on my new job, more than anything. It's been everything I thought it would be. I feel like I'm really going to excel in this job, and I can't wait to get to work in the morning, a feeling I hadn't felt in 3 or 4 years... Oh yeah, and it's a 60% pay raise.
Downside: Limited internet access. I've been so busy with work (which includes a 30 minute one-way commute now) and my other interests that my internet time has dwindled down to very, very little. Imagine that....my job wants me to ....work. I guess I'll focus on that.
On the personal side of things..... it's been part mess, part better than before. I may get 2x4ed, but honesty is what honesty is.
I last updated about two months ago. I was trying to get my WW to set down over lunch, coffee, etc, so I can figure out where all this is headed. I've tried a couple of times since, and basically been run around. Her latest was that she was going to be too busy with finals. That excuse is done this week, so we'll see what's next.....
She did send a TM asking me what my address was.... and then her parents sent me a Christmas card. Sigh.......
As far as me.... I've managed to get myself involved with someone... (I don't know how it happened, really, I wasn't looking for it, blah blah blah) Same girl I had met back in June(ish) we had remained friends over time, and we met "out" one night towards Halloween, and just kept making plans to do things together. It hasn't been terribly serious, but at the same time it's made me realize a few things:
1. I am approximately 15876732632.7 light years away from being able to even contemplate a relationship. With anyone. Couldn't even remotely fathom how I could do it with someone who has decimated my trust as WW has. I think it's safe to say that I will have walls up around me for A WHILE.
2. I am REALLY happy with where my life is now, and where it's headed. I owe the majority of that to Christ (I know, it should be all...) The remainder I owe to MB, although even that is kind of a chicken/egg thing. The downside is that I'm really happy with my life, and thus I am not real happy when things come in that shift the harmonious balance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I had worked so diligently to establish...
3. I realized that what I was fighting so hard for was NOT my marriage. It was my ideal of what marriage/relationships should be. I still hurt from what happened to me. I am saddened at how much "innocence" I have lost through this. And I wonder how tainted things like love and trust will be for me in the future.
My deadline to do the divorce myself was Jan. 1. One year of separation. If WW continues to wriggle about going to a mediator, than it looks like I may have to do the work to clean up the mess I didn't make.....and that frustrates me.
But things are going pretty good for me. And I'm hoping that they keep going that way.
I hope I can get back here and contribute more regularly. I will have to see how much I have healed. It seemed for a while that I was living my WW's A's over and over again everyday. And I haven't done that for a couple of months. But I also want to do my part to "pay it forward."
It feels good to post again.
Ethan
