Ever since our HUGE fight last week, I haven't felt "right"...something is tugging at me and I cant figure out what it is! I approached FWH about it last night. I noticed he has been a bit distant towards me, quiet, not as touchy feely as he has been since recovery began. He said it was nothing. I asked him again what was wrong and he said he was going thru a "little bit" of withdrawal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> THAT is NOT what I wanted to hear!

We had just learned that the OW told all these lies about him and I both. She also revealed some things that should not have been revealed, things that were from his childhood, things she had not business talking about...He even said that it upset him and made him mad that she said all those things, but yet now he is in withdrawal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I told him NOT to go to that darn NH last Wednesday, now our whole recovery is in an upheaval. We had that HUGE fight, for NO apparent reason on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and now he is "distant".

THEN, I get a call from his Office manager saying that one of his patients walked in and said in front of everyone "oh, I saw Dr. FWH on TV, he got so and so pregnant and bla, bla, bla" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So now he is all worried about THAT! My feeling is...the damage was done when he crossed the line...not only when he crossed the line, but then he got the OW pregnant. So if they aren't going to see it on national television, they will in REAL LIFE! Maybe THIS will give him the incentive to MOVE!

I am at a crossroads here. Is this really worth it. I mean this woman is never going to go away. I never had to deal with the competition before. and frankly how can I now. I mean I have three kids, a household to run, a sick dad, and on and on...I cook dinnner, get my kids off to school, take them to DR appts, practice and so on. SHE on the other hand..she lives with her mother and her 12 year old son doesn't even live with her anymore. SHe has PLENTY of relatives to take care of the baby when it comes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Sorry, I cant compete with her and I dont want to.

Is this all worth it. I cannot go on the rest of my life "wondering" if he will stray again. I am getting mixed signals right now. and although he says all is well, he is just a little "SHOCKED" at the turning of events. I told him that I feel it is only a matter of time before he strays again. I also said that I felt that I didnt' think he was going to hold up his end of the bargain...saving the marriage...I know big LB. I am so tired. I am so worn out from all this. I cant go on being on my best behaviour or he will go to her, the rest of my life.

I do love my FWH, with all my heart and I want nothing more than to save my marriage, BUT at what price??? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Can you guys at least try to go through the MB weekend followup materials together. What about the 15 hours. This stuff helps when you really work at it. I know you guys don't have a lot of time..you have lots on your plates.

Maybe a commitment of 2 or 3 times a week for a couple of hours each to do the MB work?

What is he willing to do about NC.

I thought I sensed some withdrawal, foggy thinking/attitude in the last few sentences of the last post of Dad's I read on your playedafool thread. He sounded a bit like a sulking child complaining about OW not wanting to have contact with him etc.

Did the Dr. Phil experience help you at all?

Did they assign "homework"?

Pep

Hi Trix! Thank you for your post. He said at the VERY beginning of the recovery, 3/4 weeks ago, that he would do WHATEVER it took...even the MB material. I haven't asked him about it again though.

Right now his main concern is the airing of this show next week. Apparently there are a lot of promos out and the whole town is talking. I haven't seen them, nor do I care what people think/say....ok, I do to some extent, but he should have thought about all that BEFORE he strayed.

Maybe, once we get into the shows, people will realize that we ARE trying to save, rather than hurt the marriage. The only thing he seems concerned about right now is his business, NOT the fact that he got someone pregnant outside the marriage, but his stupid business...

Sometimes I want to just pack up and get on with my life. Move...but then I look at my three boys, who deserve a FATHER, who LOVE their father, and then I back down. They do deserve him, and has become a great father and husband...but, there is always the BUT!!! Maybe I am just feeling depressed today...making mountains out of molehills. I dont know. I am so confused right now.

Hi Pep...the first show was only getting the background. No HW assigned...that will be done next week when we go back. The first show was really only dad telling why he had the affair. You know if things were continuing the way they HAD been the first 3 weeks of recovery I would say "hey we are all just fine, we WILL make it"..but I just dont feel that way right now. And maybe it IS all me. He keeps reassuring me, but I am so insecure right now. OW has come up many times the past few days...things like "oh, OW is going to really LOVE this" or "I wonder what OW wil think of this" What the...

((((momto3boys))))

I can only imagine how tiring this is for you...and this is only ONE of the stressful aspects of your life right now.

I don't really have any advice for you. But I'm thinking of you and reminding you to be good to yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FIM

I have seen the promos 2x.

I don't understand in what context he is wondering about what OW would say. Is it as if he wants to share stuff with her or is it just wondering what her reaction will be with what she'll see on the show.

Recovery isn't all rosy. We had many ups and downs. I remember screaming in the car once when a particularly bad trigger hit. Luckily he handled it well and reassured me.

I hope your H will keep being steadfast in his commitment to you. He did respond to my post on the other thread to say that he wasn't wavering.

I saw that another poster got good news that an OC wasn't her H's and I hope you will eventually get the same news.

I understand your wanting to be far away from all this crap and start anew.

You have to be aware of your hormonal levels and how your moods may be affected by them. But, you have so many stressers right now it isn't surprising that you are feeling the way you are.
Try taking Sam E. I buy it at Costco.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trix:
<strong> I have seen the promos 2x.

I don't understand in what context he is wondering about what OW would say. Is it as if he wants to share stuff with her or is it just wondering what her reaction will be with what she'll see on the show.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is the latter! Like I care what the OW's reaction will be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> For example, for the 2nd show, they wanted to do a scene where he and I are in bed, cuddling, asleep...and as we were un-making the bed he said "oh the OW will LOOOVE this one" another scene, I was acting like I was cooking dinner and he comes up behind me and cuddles me, then I turn around and we embrace each other...he says as he is coming up to me "Oh, the OW will LOOOVE this one"

I think that is the reason I am feeling so insecure. Why should it matter what she thinks. Excuse me...this is MY bed, you ARE MY Husband and we do share a bed together. The whole thing just made me sick. Now he is throwing this crap of HIS BUSINESS being affected by all this.

I am 100% sure he is not wavering anymore. His ACTIONS speak louder these days, my insecurities are BIG right now...What if he cant handle my insecurities. Do you think I am maybe testing him to see how much of this he can REALLY handle. I mean, I am not saying I am purposely doing this, but sometimes our subconscious does things we have no control over. You know what I mean??? What if he thinks I am so insecure that he cant handle it and bails. I really thought I was past the anger, the doubts...ok, I know I have reason to doubt...UGH, I hate this. Maybe he feels that it just isnt' worth the fight, cuz it is too much effort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Your H may have a FINANCIAL obligation to pay child support, if paternity result prove he is the father. Your H has no obligation to see the child. If he jeopardizes his relationship with you and his ability to be a father to HIS three sons by his WIFE, then his obligation may be to NOT see that child -- move away -- send money -- and be available to see the child when the child turns 18.

Consider that as a possibility. What other people think doesn't matter. It takes a lot of courage to own up to mistakes on national TV. He would have a very hard time being with OW.

Cherished

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cherished:
<strong> What other people think doesn't matter. It takes a lot of courage to own up to mistakes on national TV. He would have a very hard time being with OW.

Cherished </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is what I told him...I dont care what other people think...he obviously didnt' care what other thought either when he strayed. But NOW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The cat is REALLY out of the bag! I am just glad we have given this town enough gossip to talk about for the next 5 years!

I go back and forth of the child thing. If it is going to be like this...then I dont want to be a part of it's life. If he cant do what is right for his family, then he needs to really think hard.

I don't think it is very thoughtful, sensitive to your feelings or called for, for him to say those things about what OW will think. It is perfectly understandable for that not to sit well with you.

I do recall the insecurity of feeling like my triggers and LB's would be too much to handle. He did use that as one excuse when he started the next A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

But, this last time, I do think that going through the MB program, listening to the tapes, doing the workbook, reading together really helped to set some ground rules and get us on a firmer footing in early recovery.

We did the LB program first. Some of it was painful and brought up triggers but it was in a safer zone. There's some good stuff in there. Just one chapter a week is all. See if he'll try.
There can be growth through the pain of the work in recovery.

I was wondering if there is a paternity DNA test that can be done before birth...or is it too costly or dangerous for the mother or baby?

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Yep, been right where you are right now. This is recovery. This begins a rollercoaster that many don't feel is worth it.

The self-doubt, always watching for ANY signs, wondering if you will ever get over the feelings you have now, wondering if it is WORTH it!!!

Now is the time for radical honesty, the time to sit donw and talk about your doubts with Dad. To ask him about his withdrawal. The doubts about his business maybe masking his doubts that he can give up that cotton candy.

Think of this as addiciton...

He is having a hard time giving up the crack...the endorphin rush.

What should an addict do? Rely on the people around him. Change friends. Change lifestyle. Change hangouts. Find a sponsor or accountability partners.

The Dr. Phil show is the ULTIMATE exposure! Good for you!

Start posting on the recovery board if you'd like. I am a year and a half into recovery. And when I was in my first few months of false recovery I asked "What happens now." Very wise souls said, you'll be in recovery for about 2 years.

Ugh, the triggers, the fallback, the withdrawal, the hard work, the lies, the talking, the late night talks.

There is much more to come. There is REAL work.

I agree, if you have your MB weekend homework, start going through it. ANYTHING to keep both your eyes on the prize, the eventual goals.

And what is that eventual goal? Talk about it.

Hi Dad,

If you are reading here, you need to READ this carefully.

You and mom are lucky to have one another. You are blessed to be given this opportunity to rebuild your marriage and have your family back.

Take it from someone who has experienced the OC sitch. You bringing up how concerned you are regarding OW's feelings when she sees you and mom on TV is very disrespectful to mom.

Place yourself in mom's shoes, just imagine if she got pregnant from someone else and constantly expressed her concern for the other man, an intruder, with not even a thought how it gravely hurts you.

I know you're going thru withdrawal dad, and it's great you're telling mom how you're feeling, but stating your concern about OW's feelings is not building anyone's lovebank. Quite the contrary, it's taking huge withdrawals from your wife's lovebank, and she hasn't got that much left to lose before she's in the red.

She's been thru hell and back more times than anyone can count. Try very hard to think of her feelings dad, and remember that the OW is NOT YOUR WIFE or YOUR LIFE'S PARTNER. Don't blow this chance God has given you.

God bless,
Jo

well lets not jump the gun here....we still don't know if the child is ACTUALLY dads....I mean...she was sleeping around with her ex as well wasn't she?

*hugs mom* you hold in there sweetie and I will set TIVO to record for me....ummm what day was the show airing your story?

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

Thank you all for the support and advice! We spoke last night a few times and he said HE felt better after talking to me. He was very insecure about the "talk" that is going on. I said something like "you cant handle the heat now"...I also explained that it really doesn't matter what people think or say about us. Just look at them and say "I'm so glad that you find MY life so amusing to gossip about, and I am glad I have given you this opportunity to do it" and walk off. We dont have to answer to anyone.

We did talk about this before we taped the show. We talked about how if people asked us that we would just say "watch the show". Dad said when he was at the NH yesterday that he was talking to one of the nurses and he said "just remember that when you see me on that show, I am telling the whole truth...I dont lie..unlike others...just remember that" then he looked and say OW's friend standing there.

I am more concerned about the affect that this will have on my DS9 than anything. you know how mean 3rd graders can be. We are taking DS9 with us next week so Dr Phil can talk to him personally about the matter.

As far as the child NOT being dad's. I pray everyday that it is NOT! I am also going to approach dad with the possiblity of doing the MB materials again.

I hope this all blows over soon enough. Last night was an ER night, today I am leaving...so that all may have something to do with these triggers I am having. I just dont like feeling this way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For example, for the 2nd show, they wanted to do a scene where he and I are in bed, cuddling, asleep...and as we were un-making the bed he said "oh the OW will LOOOVE this one" another scene, I was acting like I was cooking dinner and he comes up behind me and cuddles me, then I turn around and we embrace each other...he says as he is coming up to me "Oh, the OW will LOOOVE this one"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">momto3boys,

I just want to point out that it *seems* to me that those comments are about his *zinging* the OW. He might be wanting to get back at her since he discovered that she was still seeing her BF while she was seeing your H. It does sound like "all about revenge" to me...but I could be wrong.

Respectfully,
committed

Mom,

It can be so difficult to be thankful for progress in your M when you're starved for love. But don't overlook the progress just because you haven't reached the goal.

Is it possible for you to stop needing Dad to behave in certain ways and allow him to be 100% the person who he is, even if you don't always like that person?

You're hurt and exhausted. So stop wasting energy on trying to get Dad to think or act different. Give yourself a break from trying to control him and just accept.

When you criticize, complain, argue, or show jealousy you are working on controlling your mate. Stopping this behavior saves your energy, nerves, and pride. It also gives you energy to work on you, the only thing you can control.

Reminder, the more intensely you feel negative, the harder it is to get to positive feelings. Squash negative feelings as quickly as possible. They suck the life out of you.

Keep up the good fight.

M23B,
Loy has some really good points here. Concentrate on what you can control: YOU.

Now is the time to be especially good to yourself. Yes, your H is with you, but probably not capable of meeting your EN's too much now. You will be insecure for a while, but work on gaining that security from within. Sometimes it is harder to do when your H is back! But, the truth is, we alone make ourselves happy. It comes from within and we need to be able to at least be at peace no matter our circumstances.

You are at a normal stage in recovery. Hang in there!

Thank you for your posts everyone! LOY, I think you hit the nail on the spot! BINGO! You are right. I LOVE the man that my FWH had become at the beginning of the recovery, I know it was just the honeymoon period as they say. I guess now reality is sinking in. I just dont want to fal back into our old habits of being the "old" mom and dad. I want to move forward in a positive way, but if that way is too much effort for ME or DAD, then we need to find another positive way to move forward.

I suppose that things were going sooo well, that I didnt' expect this bump, or any other bumps in the future. We have so much on our plates right now and I hope that this show doesn't scare either one of us the opposite direction. I do think that this will be a positive outcome in the end, but we have to get over the initial shock of US and the community at first. Thank you for your support! EVERYONE!

Good post from Loy.

You can conquer your negative thoughts and emotions and better keep them in check. When you have negative thoughts or compulsive thoughts recognize them then don't engage them, have a stare down contest with the frozen thought and it will disapate. It does work. That will take the power away from those thoughts.

And, I wouldn't expect the honeymoon period to be over...it really will last lots longer than this. It did with us and we are still so much happier together now than pre-A. This is still rollercoaster recovery...especially since you still have OW and potential OC to deal with. What is the verdict on NC?

I like your way of dealing with the gossip of other people. In the long run, people will respect you both more for staying together and healing your marriage. You can ignore the other's that don't root for you and extricate them from your lives.