PS - don't worry about doing anything yet. You are still very emotional, and unsure of what you want to do. Never good to go in unprepared. This can wait. Calm down, and think about what you want in an M.....

Rome wasn't built in a day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Applauding LIT..great post

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> better question why am I letting him and how do I stop it.

I mean really HOW? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You stop allowing it. I'm not the queen of Plan B....all you have to do is read my story to know that! I resisted right up to the end.

But, the chaos in your life, the drama, the tug-o-war, are YOUR doing right now. YOU are allowing it.

Your husband is resposible for his actions, 100%.

You are responsible for yours, or the lack thereof.

It's hard. It's scary. I KNOW!!

But I can also tell you there is a peace and calm about taking a step off the rollercoaster.

My kids are doing better than in the last six months today. And I'm only a few days into this!

It is hard, no doubt. But until you pull away, protect yourself and kids from the drama you allow in your lives and set clear boundaries NOTHING will change.

That is how you will REALLY do it.

He is not going to take ANYTHING you say seriously about what you need because you won't take responsibility for yourself and your expectations. Until you do, you can expect to continue with the ups and downs and questions and worries.

JMO.

Good luck to you.

well I am home now. Had a conversation with H. He could tell as soon as I walked in the door that something was wrong. I changed the baby and he asked me to tell me what was wrong.

I said "Why did you ask **** if she would sleep with you?"
He said "what are you talking about?"

the conversation went on from there. Basically him denying everything, or saying he was just joking around, I asked why he was always pushing me away, he said that was what I was doing right then.
HOW?
by asking him uncomfortable questions.

Basically he gave me the impression that he did not care one way or the other. Again stateing that he left the OP (oh by the way denies talking to her too) for me and that I am determinded to ruin things.

I must say that he did not name call, and neither did I. I kept my cool even when he tried to bait me. I just kept thinking, do not show you are weak. DO not show any real emotion, make him wonder.

Maybe he will think at work tonight.... Hopefully. B/c unless something changes soon....

LIT (long Island Ice Tea perhaps?)

I want those things too. and more.
Thanks for making me realize.

I need to stop being so co-dependent and start being happy with me. I need to figure out a way how.

Somebody once posted the three "C"s of Al-anon:
1. You didn't create
2. You can't control
3. You can't cure

Right now the question is: are you willing to live with him as he is?

If not, throw the bum out.

Cherished

So...

Are you saying that you walked in fully loaded..with all of the cards in your hand..and in a matter of minutes your H managed to distract you and disarm you and pump you for information then you lost the plot and reverted to picking at knats whilst being eaten by crocodiles?

Better luck next time.

All of your power in the situation went away when you asked "why" he did something. Why comes later. Right now all that matters is that he did.

--Noodle

I could only throw him out of my life and move out.

He thought our conversation today was funny, or he pretended to, he does that when he is uncomfortable. we shall see tonight if he calls me.

However I did ask him if he cared if this marriage lasted and he said "sure". I said if that is all you have then what are we doing here? He said this is where we live.

Puh lease

After talk with Hubbie, friend called. Concerned about the how I might have taken her e-mail. Tried to explain it the best she could. I want to believe her, however I think she has been talking to my H- or did sometime today. Not sure though. She seemed genuine...

However I have this feeling in my gut. Friend and I are to talk again later tonight...

oh the frustrations of life after an A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> LIT (long Island Ice Tea perhaps?) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I wish it had been that nice! Nope - Lost in Texas. When I first came to MB, my A had ended, but I was still pretty foggy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Took some coaxing, but I confessed to my H, and things have just moved on to D from there. I had changed it to LIT b/c my H once posted on here, and would read my posts. I stopped posting for a while b/c H grew to hate this site. Finally, there was an incident which I needed advice on. A very dangerous incident. I posted, but changed my name so he wouldn't recognize immediately that it was me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks for making me realize. I need to stop being so co-dependent </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ - I'm sorry, but I really don't think you fully realize yet. I think you know full well in your head what you need to do. And what you should do. But you are afraid. I would like to challenge you.... What are you afraid of?

You want to see actions and not talk from your H. Why don't you start by setting an example? You have been nothing but talk to him. What punishment has he seen? He certainly is not punishing himself. He is unremorseful. All you've gotten out of him is that he says he will stay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to figure out a way how. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have had tons of suggestions here. MB tells you how. KMEJ - You know how. You just don't want to do it.

You need to quit worrying about how to "get" your H back for a moment. You need to think about why you want him back. And not because of most of the things on the list. Not because of who you think he can be. Look at who he is and the M you two have now. Do you want this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Basically he gave me the impression that he did not care one way or the other
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ, this is not the "caring, extremely romantic man who wants to help others" that you described in your list. Take the blinders off, and take a good hard look. This is NOT the man who you want to be with. That much is clear.

I am really glad that you figured out the codependent part. My guess is that both of you are codependent on each other - why else do you think he pushes you to the edge, and then reels you back in (my BF and I used to call it 'fishing' - they cast you out, and just as you are about to get away, they reel you back in. You get too close, and they cast you back out....viscious cycle) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

I'm not going to lie to you - breaking the codependence is very scary. But a codependent relationship will not change. A loving relationship will. The only way you will be able to have a healthy relationship is to get out of the codependency. The only way you do that is to start standing up for what you want, and to realize that you deserve it.

YOU NEED A PLAN. Tell me a plan for you KMEJ - you said you wanted all those things that I posted. You should....you deserve them. So what's the next step? Will you tell your H that you want those things? Will you quantify them (telling him not to talk about sexual things with friends, spending 20 hours a week with the family, not yelling at you, not calling you names, really listening to what you are saying and not making a DJ about what you are 'trying to do' to the R....etc, etc, etc)? What will your timeline be? And when you get to that timeline, if he has not met (or made significant headway), what is your plan to salvage yourself?

KMEJ - there is a blueprint for all of this. It is here in MB, in SAA, in After the Affair, and in these posts. You have to use it. I challenge you. I challenge you to write a plan for me. And I challenge you to execute it. Show us all the strong person inside you who knows she deserves so much more. Quit showing the helpless, sad, depressed, victim we see now. Show us the REAL KMEJ. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The above post by LIT may be on eof the best posts that I have ever read on this site. KMEJ, there isn't really anything else to say to you here. You have been shown what you need to do by the great posters here, now it is you who has to decide to do this. YOu haev all the *power* to control this in doing the "right thing". Good luck in working through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KMEJ - don't know what kind of music you listen to.....but just at the time I was really needing some direction for myself (don't anyone EVER tell me that God doesn't look after us), I heard an album while working in surgery one day. "So-called Chaos" by Alanis Morissette. Talk about an eye opener! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am going to post the lyrics here. She managed to have a song on that album for EVERY SINGLE EMOTION I had felt. Every emotion, every rationalization, every dream.....If you like that kind of music, I strongly suggest you download the album itself, or go buy it. Hearing the melody with the words impacted my soul so much that I would listen to it on my way home from work for strength (because, at the time, I didn't think I had enough) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Spineless
I won't see my dear friends as much
male friends especially I'll no longer be in touch
I'll change my hobbies to match yours

I'll stop reading my favorite books
I won't spend all this selfish time alone
I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shell
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll redefine self-sacrifice
live my life as apologetic compromise
I know you'd leave if I rocked the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shell
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed, will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable
I will not talk about my dreams so much
I'll listen to you for hours, won't need for anything

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shell
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Excuses

Why no one will help me I'm too dumb I'm too smart
They'll not understand me I'm lonely they'll hate me

There is not enough time It's too hard to help me
God wants me to work no resting no lazy

These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

I'm too far from home it takes far too much energy
I cannot afford to, no one will ever see me

These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell
These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked they've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

Bringing these into the light shakes their foundation and clears my sight
Now my imagination is the only thing that limits the bar and its' rise to the heights

No one can have it all see I have to, they want me to
I can't let them down I will never be happy

These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell
These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked they've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Everything

i can be an **shole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
i have the bravest heart that you've ever seen and you've never met anyone
Who is as positive as I am sometimes

you see everything you see every part
you see all my light and you love my dark
you dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

i blame everyone else & not my own partaking
my passive aggressive-ness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting and you've never met anyone
Who is as closed down as I am sometimes

you see everything you see every part
you see all my light and you love my dark
you dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist persists and speaks louder than i know
What i resist you love no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known and you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

you see everything you see every part
you see all my light and you love my dark
you dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

----------------------------------------------------------------------

You know KMEJ - I'm really not that far from you in age - about 3 years older. I have had to learn and mature a lot in the past 3 years. And even though my M is ending, I have hope. I have hope for both my H and I - but as separate people. Together, we could not break the codependence. There was just too much hurt and pain on both sides. I accept that now. I didn't for a long time, because I didn't want to lose my M. But now I realize that he could not heal with us together.

And you know what? I love my H. But I love him enough to let him go. It is what he needs. And it is the way he will heal. It is also how I will heal now. It wasn't my first choice, but I have hopes for a future. It's not easy, but I want what's in the last song. And I'm not going to give up fighting for it. Neither should you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

L.I.T. - Just thought I would jump in and tell you how great I thought your previous post was. I printed it out for myself.

Thank you!

L.I.T.
Wonderful posts. I am printing them out. Thanks--you sound like a great person.

KMEJ,
I hope you listen to at least one of these posts. Many of us are telling you the same thing in different ways. Until you calm down, stop worrying about your H you cannot move past this. You WILL be stuck in the pain. Believe us when we say that there is a place past all this in which you will be at peace, and yes, possibly even happy!!

So much to absorb. So much to do. No clue really where to begin, However LIT- you got me, I love a challenge. I will work on my plan and post it hopefully soon.

Thanks for the kudos, but I really don't deserve them. All I did was speak from the heart. My life lesson has been hard for me - but it has and will continue to make me a stronger and better person. I am just happy that other people were able to find meaning in what I have learned.

As for you KMEJ, I look forward to your plan. Remember that you have to be strong before you will feel strong. Show us with your actions.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

had nice talk with H today. Think he knows where I am coming from. Either that or it is just another fishing expidition... He did actually listen to my concerns today to. And I was able to tell him every thing I was planning on writing in a letter... Small step