How sad. I would consider my W a hero if she came here and gave back the way this forum has given to me. But these days I would honestly be afraid to suggest she even visit let alone register. Today it seems to be exactly what she would fear it would be.

I just don't understand the posters that believe that the shoe could not be on the other foot. No midlife crisis a possibility. No moment of weakness. Never a mistake. That is for "sub-people" but not for me.

Frankly, I would be as honored to share a meal with Chorus, 2OFAKind, Jen Brown, KiwiJ or FinallyLearning as I would with any of my friends from the other side. Until you understand that you could have been the wanderer you will never be able to truly forgive. Never say never!

Please consider sharing a meal with me too.

Your kind & understanding words have made me cry.

Us FWW were selfish in our desire for the excitement of an affair.
And like you said, most of us never in our wildest dreams would have believed we could have an affair.
(Actually, I am ashamed to admit that I have had two affairs.The summer of 1978 and 1 1/2 yrs ago...I am 58.)

I was VERY SELFISH AND FOOLISH and SHROUDED IN A THICK FOG. I had the mistaken notion that what my H didn't know wouldn't hurt him. My plan was to always keep the affairs a secret.

Kind men like you (and my beloved H) that are able to forgive without ever calling us disrespectful names to our faces or to others; should have special crowns in heaven.

I admire you greatly, walkingoneggs!
You have a remarkable understanding.
Your wife is fortunate to have you for her husband.

Rachel

what am I chopped liver <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ....i need sustinance too....being a FWW who is now the BS....

please sir can I have some more *holds up bowl with cute kitten eyes*

MYOS; what a cool name. Thank you for your kind words. I suppose my years of gambling helped me to empathise and better understand the addiction process.

I am reminded every day that anyone can fail. That failure doesn't define them. On Friday evening my 17 yr.old. son (Mr. Wonderful Jr.)left to go to a dance. Within 2 hours I got a call from the police saying he was arrested for having an alcohol level 3 times the adult legal limit. I told the officer I had a hard time believing that. When he asked why I told him my son didn't drink and he only left the house about 2 hours ago. I figured it had to do with Halloween costumes and someone had given his identity to avoid punishment. But none the less I left to go to the school dance to find my soon in a pool of vomit. I spent the next five hours in the emergency room while his blood alcohol level declined to a safe limit.

You couldn't ask for a better son and I know he learned a valuable lesson. He hurt himself more than he hurt me or his mother. And I think that is true of WS's. The BS's are so busy wallowing in their own pain they never stop to look at what the WS is going through.

I'd be honored to add you to my guest list. Take care.

WOE

Some people here do anything to run others off (not only WSs), if they don't agree with their opinions and their rules/principles/"moral"...

So, some are run off, some became unsincere in order not to be 'hit', some are just lurking, and some are... fighting back...

What a pity! For you can learn about yourself and M itself from both - WS and BS...

The BS's are so busy wallowing in their own pain they never stop to look at what the WS is going through.

did you really mean to say that...as you said it?

wow...that's really a harsh statement...

I don't think it's true either..
it may be hard to see the WS pain...
but I don't think are busy wallowing in their own pain...if they are taking time out to post "here"...

even in all the pain...they can usually muster some if not insurmountable strength to reach beyond their own pain...

if they are "here"

ark

walkingoneggs - This seems to be a topic that is attracting a lot of attention and some passionate views. It's like asking why do I like red and you like blue, and who is right?

I wonder if people on both sides of the agument can be right?

It seems to me that as a BS you have every right to come here and vent, after all that's what the board allows you to do. Chances are your wayward spouse has, or continues to hurt you immensely so you are all amped up and have some bias in our views. I know was surprised at the WS's amongst us when I first came on board, but put that aside when they selflessly gave me help and encouragement.

On the other hand, as a WS you also have a right to come here for help and sympathy. I am sure that WS's do not always feel that they get similar treatments from the BS's amoungst us. That's probably not totally unexpected, especially from a BS's who recently been hurt / betrayed.

At the end of the day, we are one big community called humanity, some good, some bad, whatever, we all have flaws.

In the end, aren't we all walking a path of self discovery, some on opposite sides of the road but heading in the same direction? At some point in the future our paths will cross and we should all by then have a more sympathetic understanding of one anothers troubles?

Maybe it isn't such a bad idea to have a separate posting area for BS's and WS's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RenaissanceMan:
I am sure that WS's do not always feel that they get similar treatments from the BS's amoungst us. That's probably not totally unexpected, especially from a BS's who recently been hurt / betrayed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It happens to some BS too...

I am a BS and I was brutally attacked for just expressing my (was opposite) opinion... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Also, when I show understanding of a WS, I was 'accused' of being a WS too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I'm not single-minded and will never be... and will always be self-critical and watch people from different angles... there is no white and black in this world... we are all made from both colours (at least <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )... and I feel sorry for some they cannot see it... or they just pretend they don't see it... or they just hide behind attacks what they see it...

Belonging, it shouldn't be a fight. I know I post in all different moods at all different hours and it all needs to be taken in context. I suppose everyone needs to be a little more thick skinned here and a bit less combative. I don't think anyone comes here for a fight.

Ark, I'm not going to stand by that statement. You are correct that there is a lot of empathy here from those who are not only "here" but have remained here for a reasonable period of time. If you look at my dinner list I think you would agree that a lot could be learned from reading those posts. They stick out to me because they stayed here and you had a chance to see all that they were. So I suppose I am referring to the BS's who pass through so full of anger that they never stop to consider the other side. And I think in doing just that, that you begin to heal. When you realize that maybe my spouse needs me to be the strong one now. I like the lighthouse analogy.

RM, I suppose you could liken this group to high school. You find the people you most enjoy and gravitate to them. There is all kinds of varying views here and there is no right or wrong in your reaction as a WS or BS. It is simply your reaction to a traumatic event. So you find people who are like minded and can offer the most assistance in your desire to learn and to heal. I think that is the ideal use of this forum.

I was attacked once for admitting that I had forgiveen the OW

At this rate we will only be able to afford happy meals. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Its great to think there are some forgiving spouses around to talk with as well as other Fww & ww.
It can help a lot to know forgiveness is possible.
But I do feel for those BS who want to scream & yell their pain, especially as most would not be in pain if not for a WS. So I take their strong comments with a huge pinch of salt and not personally.
Thanks WOE for the encouragement and lets hope we can welcome all here who need some help.

The BS's are so busy wallowing in their own pain they never stop to look at what the WS is going through.


If I had been wallowing in my own pain WOE I would not have been able to be Mum AND dad to my kids, soak up all the bitterness and spite and build a 'Plan A' refuge for my FWW while she was in the fog of her affair.

I would not have been able to reconstruct myself as a functional human after having my humanity taken away on D-day.

We would not today have a decent chance of recovery between us had I 'wallowed'.

WOE: “The BS's are so busy wallowing in their own pain they never stop to look at what the WS is going through.”

Hmm, Bob beat me to it. I was about to respond with pretty much the same words.

If I wallowed in self-pity I wouldn’t even be on this forum looking for advice. If I wallowed din self-pity I would not be going to MC, IC and taking a devastated DS12 to a child psychologist every week

If I wallowed in self-pity I would still be listening to WS fog-speak and believing it. I would have never picked myself up, looked at myself in the mirror and told myself I deserve better than the way W treated me.

If I wallowed in self-pity I would have given up by now and my wife would be living the most miserable life either of us could now imagine. If I wallowed in self-pity my wife would not have told me how thankful; she is I gave her life back to her.

If I wallowed in self-pity I would not even bother to respond to your blatant jab. I would say something like, “knowingly and intentional self-inflicted WS pain.”

T

PS: The most self-pity I have ever read on these boards is in the long WW thread this summer where a gaggle of WW’s moaned and pissed for months over loss of OM. It was so revolting and disgusting I stopped reading it. Can you do the same?

BobP, I suppose I misused the word wallow. How bout swimming in thier own pain. And I did retract the statement after Ark pointed out it's inaccuracy. I admire the work you have done and am envious of the results you have enjoyed. Not looking to minimize the scope of this pain.

Thos, I again apologize for the poor choice of words. If wallowing meant self-pity it was not the meaning I intended. I agree with you that to wallow would have resulted in the end of our M's. It may have taken me the better part of a year to pick myself up after d-day but I have also done all of the hard work of recovery and still recovery remains only an oasis. I'm not sure I understand your question to me. If it is a request to end such a painfully self serving place for FWS and WS to wallow in self pity than the answer is yes that I will let this thread die a natural death. No matter how sure I feel of any position I have I do understand that it should be a distant second to running the risk of inflicting additional pain on anyone here. I am applauding only the WS's who are actually looking in the mirror and making the changes. My own W doesn't belong on a thread like this, so I do understand where you are coming from.