I initially posted over on D/D this evening because that's where I "officially" belong, since I've filed for DV. But I think I need all the advice and most likely 2x4's that I can get for my major ugly outburst tonight.

It's amazing how tiny little things sometimes are the worst. What's the issue? STBXH changed his cell # and failed to inform me. I found out by accident, because I left both he and OW a message asking to have him call his father (my FIL actually called ME today to find out if his own son was still among the living).

OW called me to ask what # I was leaving messages on for STBXH. That's when I found out he has a new "secret" number. He called me earlier today from the phone at the shop where he works--I thought that was odd. But he said his cell was on the fritz and that he wasn't getting voice messages on a timely basis.

Big FREAKIN' LIER! He didn't have the b*lls to tell me that he changed his number. And why? Not sure. OW says it's because he can't stand to hear my voice. Uh...I don't call him. He calls me. I do send a few texts, but they are not threatening or angry unless he provokes me first.

Okay, now I'm REALLY provoked! Why would a dad refuse to give his phone number to the mother of his children? OW says to me, "You have a way to get ahold of him. You can call me."

Forget that! I'm done. I flew off the handle at her. Told her if he doesn't have the guts to tell me he changed the number, don't expect me to make this DV an easy process. She claims I haven't already. Uh...how's that? I'm giving him almost everything he asks for, right down to 50% of my 401K.

But now, perhaps not. I called her a bar wh**e. She told me I was a dead f**k in bed. It got much uglier than that. I am very afraid--there is a particular video tape from many years ago that I allowed him to make of us (while under the influence of much wine) because he wanted to. We were getting along great at the time and I thought why not...we're husband and wife. It's just for us.

Well he took that tape with him--found it missing after he moved out. Found out tonight he's shown it to her. I told her that if it ever gets out, I will KILL HIM! She said, "so you want me to pass that along?" Yep!!

She slammed the size of my chest (or lack thereof). I slammed her for being saggy. She accused me of having an A with STBXH's freaky friend from south of here. That thought nearly makes me gag, but apparently they both think something happened down there one night (and have probably passed that assumption around to his family and friends.)

Then I told her, that "equitable" splitting of assets doesn't have to mean 50/50. Told her that I think 60/40 sounds better on the retirement plan, and if he doesn't like it, perhaps he doesn't have to sign the divorce decree. Told her that I WILL have the financing of college written into the decree and again, he can choose whether or not to sign. Told her that perhaps I just won't have the final decree prepared at all--that perhaps I'll just sit on all this. Why do I need to be DV? Why do I need to play nice? It's HIM who wants out, right?

I let very bad words fly. I said awful things about what they do together (and even sicker, she said, "Yes, he does do that with me.") I took the Lord's name in vain a couple times in extreme anger.

I feel very un-Christian. I also know that deep down I still love this man who I am making all the threats against, and that now with these horrific LB's that will be even more spun out of proportion by OW, I have blown not only all chances for any future reconciliation should he pull his head out of the dark place, but I have blown away the chance of anything civil.

I am SO hurting <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and SO angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and just SO wanting to talk to STBXH personally right now. But I can't. I don't have his #. I only have OW's!

And to top it all off, I'm now letting what OW said really eat at me because I know that if she's slamming my appearance, it's stuff she's talked about with STBXH. And it's crushing to know he and OW watched a tape of him and me because I'm sure they sat there and laughed and mocked me, and now I feel like 19 years of marriage were a lie.

I've always been extremely self-conscious, and when I'd ask him if I was attractive, he'd say yes, that he was fine with the way I looked. But our SF was becoming more and more infrequent, and now I believe it was because he didn't find me attractive and it was all a bunch of lies.

And if my H of 19 years was sickened by me, so much so that he showed OW a very private tape of us most likely to prove his point to her, no man in his right mind will ever want me.

To h*ll with trying to look sexy. It can't be done. There is no base to work with here. I need to face the facts and stop spending so much $ on my hair, my nails, and my clothes. Better to just face that I'm repulsive and go to Walmart, buy the clearance stuff, and spend the $ on charity and on my son's college. Who would care, or notice?

LL

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

lordslady,

It’s late and there may not be many of us reading the board right now, but I’m up watching the election on TV. I was going to look up Penny Tuppy’s site and maybe switch to posting there, but your post caught my eye and my heart really goes out to you.

You’re STBXH is being an @ss. I’ve seen your picture on faith’s picture page, and you are a very attractive woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your appearance.

You’ve been holding in your anger, and he and OW got on your last nerve. It’s understandable that you couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I wonder if it would be helpful to you only to communicate with your STBXH through your attorney? That way you wouldn’t have to hear his and OW’s cr@p anymore.

God bless,

Rose

lordslady, I second the opinion of Rose55, you are a very attractive woman. Quit worrying about your appearance I think you look great.
As far as you STBXH, he is acting like a complete jerk. I have followed your story on and off for 4 months. What can you expect from a addictive person like that. They do not act with notion of civility. The tape would bother me too. But there isn't much you can do about it except maybe consult legal advice. I think I would at least check with my lawyer about. Lastly, don't talk to OW, it only causes you pain.

lordslady..

I find it ironic and pathetic...that OP spent so much energy and time attacking you...

people who feel threatened attack...

even though you are guilty of attacking her which does not serve you well...you certainly hold more ownership of the right to do so...

interesting that she spends so much energy on you...


you need to raise the sandbags...and get deeper in the bunker and protect your self from their chaos and verbal spummage....

dont' let them drag you down...
don't you do it

ARK

Dear Lordslady,

I'm sorry you are having a bad time.

Don't think too much about the conversation you had with OW. You hissed, she hissed back, you growled, she growled back, you lashed out, she did the same. Unfortunatelety that's quite normal when people get angry. All your pent-up frustrations and anger exploded, that's all.

And as for your STBXH's opinion of your appearance.. well.. that's just what it is, HIS opinion. I know it's hard because you still love him and it really hurts to know or think these things. But to me it proves just one thing - that he is a totally immature, selfish boy. Why do you "have a way to get a hold of him" ? Because you're the voice of his conscience. He blo*dy well KNOWS he's a selfish idiot, abandoning you and your children like that. He would probably hate you if you had done the same. He would have said you're a bad mother, a sl*t, whatever, if you had left him and the children to live with some toyboy. He might have come over to smash in your windows if he'd know you showed your toyboy that video and made fun of HIS performance...

Dear LL, please find a way back to yourself and the things that are important to you, like your children. Your hobbies. Your personal interests. You must start taking back all the energy you are putting into this sordid situation, and as suggested, have your lawyer do the talking.

I have a friend in hospital now with heart problems because of all the stress her divorce caused her. Please don't let it get to you like that - surround yourself with good friends, family and fun things to do.

(((((Lordslady)))))

Hi, lordslady.

So you had a good mad and told the other woman what side of the bed she really gets up on. Big deal. I am very glad that God has a lot of patience with us, otherwise, no one would be left on the planet.

Consider this. Your husband still has feelings for you. Why else would he try to say and do things to hurt you. The other woman is making all kinds of demands in his handling of you. Regardless of if you two reconcile or not, I will bet real money that his allowing the viewing of the 'tape' is going to stick hard in the pit of his guilt. I would be very surprised if it doesn't cause him to become impotent with the other woman.

What they did together love busted the hell out of their relationship.

I have read a lot of what you have written here and I have come to respect you. My wife and I have looked at all the photos that Faith1 has posted. You are a fine looking woman! Furthermore, if you were adventurous enough to tape some bedroom play with your husband, then I am positive that there are some fine guys out there that will consider you the find of the century should the divorce go through.

Either way, you are going to be okay. In the real world, women like you are a real find.

All the best,
Gimble

Crash & Burn - Take #2
(Alternate title: How NOT to Save a Marriage)

BEFORE I read all your wonderful advice (which I just now did) about staying away and not letting them drag me down....

Had to have STBXH sign a check on way to work. My old escrow refund--made out to both of us. Stopped by his shop. That didn't go well. He claimed he didn't change his # because of me and claimed OW must have watched tape on her own, that he didn't offer it to her. Lot's of hurtful words, threats, left angry at him and at myself because my temper was spiraling out of control.

Headed for...you guessed it...the "love nest". When I got there, OW was on the phone. I'm sure he called to warn her.

Long story--I asked for tape, she claimed to not know it's whereabouts but said he put it in for her months ago to watch so she could see him when he was thinner. Whatever. More ugly words. More jabs. More taking the Lords name in vain. The little girl was at her feet crying. I was over the top. I turned to OW and muttered, "Can you shut the little b**ch up?"

She, in what was probably righteous anger at that point, came at me and shoved me and I think came very close to hitting me.

I deserved it. The child is precious. She is not a little b**ch. It's sad that she lives in that environment, and sadder that she had to witness what I brought down there today.

But instead of giving up, I was really ticked now. All the anger from the last year came flowing out and I refused to leave until I got that tape.

OW called the police. Explained that she wanted me gone. I explained that I wanted the tape and that, oh by the way, I wanted to file assault charges on OW for shoving me.

Charges have been filed. STBXH showed up at apartment during this time, got the tape (the only good thing to come out of this--it's now in MY possession and will be destroyed momentarily) and told me I'd better cool my jets.

This is BEFORE he got the whole story about the assault charges and all, which I'm sure he got after the cop had me leave.

I want to die. I should burn in Hell for what I did. I am no example of a Christian at all. I am no better than STBXH and OW. Where was my love, my patience, my BRAIN!?

Now I just hurt, and feel stupid, and know I blew up everything that might have ever been.

And when OW and I were slamming each other's physical appearances again today, I even brought my daughter into it. Told OW that my daughter says OW lets her flabby belly hang out with that navel ring all the time. (It's true--but now it will cause issues between my daughter and OW, and that's SO not right of me to put my teenager in the middle.)

This is who STBXH left. This is my anger out of control. I wanted SO bad on the way home to just crank up my supercharged car and smash it into something. I hate me right now. But I didn't. I know better. I wanted to hurt myself, to punish me for all my stupidity, for hurting people who, even though they did wrong, didn't deserve to be hurt like I hurt them today.

My tongue is wicked. BAD wicked. I hate that about myself. But it's really, really hard to stop it once it gets going, until I've spewed all the anger and hurt out.

So now I feel lousy. I'm home from work...called in and said not coming in until headache subsides. I'll probably never hear from STBXH again, which I'm sure is for the best, but painful never-the-less.

And I'll know that my final memories left with him are ugly hateful ones that justify in his mind why he left me in the first place.

LL

Wow- I am so sorry for what you went through today. The OP is just as at fault as you are in what happened. No name calling and shoving are not an adult way to solve something, but sometimes when you see red that is about all that one can do. In front of the other kid was a little over the top however- how old is she?-the kid I mean...? Is she your H's (sorry new to your story).

Your H should HAVE NEVER shown that tape to anyone period. He was wrong. When the two of you seperated it should have been distroyed. Oh well can not change that now.

Stay strong. You H has screwed everything up. This is not your fault. You will find peace and happiness again soon.

Take care

The child isn't my STBXH's. She belongs to the guy that OW is technically still married to, but hasn't been with in over a year. She will be 2 in January.

She is actually a precious little girl, cute as a bug. I truly am sorry about cursing and getting angry in front of her. I think she sees and hears a lot of this between OW and STBXH. In months past, when OW was running errands and STBXH would call me while babysitting, he'd get frustrated with the child and use the "f" word on her and such.

I always felt so bad about the environment that I believe she lives in with STBXH's drinking and all, and yet here I went and created something just about as ugly.

LL

lordslady,

You are acting in ways that are not really your character--right? You feel like you've been hit in the stomach or are about to throw up--right? That is because you are not being who you really ARE!! You are not a screaming banchee of a woman, nor are you violent or provocative.

So my suggestion to you would be:

1) Take some time out. Put yourself in the corner and take a "Time Out". Have some quiet time; do the things that have worked before to calm yourself and soothe yourself; and think about what happened and how it happened and how you're going to proceed from here.

2) Forgive yourself. Sometimes it happens that when our STBX does something like changing the locks or cutting off a phone or a credit card, that we react in a way that is out of our character. You didn't react well. Your STBX did something that hurt you, and you responded in a way that is not pretty. But it happens, LL. You're only human, and a trigger was pushed, and you just didn't do a good job. Take personal responsibility for your issues and clean up your side of the street. Okay?? It's not the end of the world, but it wasn't necessarily a real healthy response.

3) Your STBX and his OW are yanking your chain and you are falling for it. What would have happened in this instance if he had changed his cell phone and you had responded via certified mail, "Since I can no longer contact STBX via phone, I will be using my lawyer and/or certified mail. It is not acceptable to negotiate our divorce through the OW, so I will use other means to settle it between YOU and ME."

For EVERYTHING that your STBX and OW do, take a moment to stop and ask yourself, "Is this a trap?" because they are trying to trap you into responding to their manipulations by acting badly...so that they can say, "See?? YOU are the crazy one, not us!" So ask yourself, "Are they trying to hook me in?" If the answer is "yes" then take time to consider reacting the way that YOU want to react, not reacting the way that they think you're going to react.

Here's an example. My exH went before the judge and told the judge that I had destroyed our business and never really contributed. Remember...this was RIGHT IN COURT!! At first, I wanted to react in RAGE and scream "*I* destroyed the business!! I'm not the one that abandoned it!! I'm not the one that made all the customers angry by promising to come and then blowing them off!!!" But then I realized that my exH was trying to suck me in!! If I had responded that way in court, then he would have been able to say, "See how she is judge? She's the one with the anger issues, not me."

So instead, I asked for a quick bathroom break. I went in the bathroom just FURIOUS but took some deep breaths and calmed myself and THOUGHT! How can I respond in a way that expresses my side without falling into his trap?? I decided to go back to court, and I said, "That may be YOUR opinion, but my opinion differs greatly. It is my opinion that I was the one who stayed with the business while exH abandoned it. It is my opinion that I contributed greatly to the success of the business by doing XYZ. My opinion is very, very different from his."

TA DA!! I didn't fall into the trap, but I did voice my side appropriately. My exH will NEVER, EVER see my side of this issue. To this day, he does not see my contributions as valuable. But my point here is to just stop yourself for a second and ask, "Is this a trap so they can justify their own behavior??"

Take a break LL and give yourself one. We love ya anyway, even though you're an erotic film star.


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


CJ

Ever hear of Plan B? I'm in the midst of a smelly nasty D and still Plan Bing for precisely this reason. He can't fault me with anything I've said. My last words were loving.

I've been betrayed by so many friends that I can't count. I'm Plan Bing them, too. Had a funny dream last night where I told them how I felt. They didn't talk back. That's why it's a dream.

I have revenge fantasies about my former friends, not to mention revenge fantasies about OW & him. What's the point? Getting into the mud with everyone and slinging? What would I "win"?

I need better friends. That's what I keep reminding myself. Move to higher ground. Even if it means (in a small community) large portions of time by myself -- I will not compromise. I will find a better world. Leave these folks behind. They all deserve each other. I deserve better.

All the fanny-tucks in the world aren't the answer. Suppose you are a slag heap with sagging breasts (oh no, wait a minute -- OW's the one with sagging breasts) -- is that what life is about? Eventually, we are all going to have sagging breasts or whatever -- we will all get old and face our death alone.

What are your ultimate values? Try to find out. With better people. Let go of this soap opera -- let them have it.

Famous line from Chinatown: "Oh, I never get nasty, Mr. Geddes. My lawyer does." Let your lawyer do the dirty work.

CJ,

Always around to make me feel a wee bet better. I'm grateful.

You feel like you've been hit in the stomach or are about to throw up--right?

Actually, I feel like I don't care to live (though as luck would have it, I still continue to breathe) and asking myself just what makes me think I'm a Christian when I act like that.

What would have happened in this instance if he had changed his cell phone and you had responded via certified mail,

Why don't I ever think of those things? Why do I lash out instead? Actually, communicating at $200/hour thru an attorney is cost-prohibitive. However, certified mail (even when you throw in a return reciept request) is pretty darned cheap. Where I work, there is a post office branch on the lower level, so it would take me 10 minutes to send my communication certified. I'm going to ponder that idea. I rather like it.

A.M.,

He can't fault me with anything I've said. My last words were loving

That's the problem. If I Plan-B right now, my last words were filing assault charges on the OW and telling my STBXH that I wanted to die. Not the lasting memory I'd like to leave him with.

I've done SO good since, well, really last spring. There have been very few blow ups, and they've been short lived and primarily in the form of text messages. This is the first major knock-down, drag-out that we've had in 6 months.

I know in my mind I can't take it back. I don't know what I can do to fix it and at least let him know that I lashed out because I'm angry at the lies and the manipulation, not because I hate him.

And as for that erotic film career that you guys mentioned, the proof has been destroyed so that it won't fall into the wrong hands again.

LL

Hi Double L,

I usually don't post on this forum, but your post really touched me. No, you should not have reacted with anger, but you did, thereby proving that you are human like everyone else.

However, your expressions of remorse show that you really do have a good heart. I do agree that it would be best for you to communicate only in writing via certified mail so that you can carefully think about what you are going to say. Also, you might put in your letters that if you don't receive a response by a certain date, at least a week from the date he receives the letter, you are going to do X. That way, your H has plenty of notice of your intentions.

One more thing to consider is this: Respond, don't react. Think about what you are going to do and never follow your first instinct. Before you say or do something, try to objectively consider the probable result of what you are doing. It is inconvenient for you to not have your H's cell number, but that is really his choice. It is likely that you are going to have less and less information about him as the divorce proceeds.

As to his father, I would suggest that you gently tell him that you are sorry that his son has not called him, but his son is no longer living with you. Then you could give him all the contact info that you have and wish him luck in his efforts.

And just for the record, I have to remind myself of this quite frequently... Respond, don't react.

Cost of communicating through an attorney is indeed prohibitive -- but so is tailspinning into a week of reaction at the latest outrage. I work for myself, so I have to calculate how much time is lost when I am emotionally drained and upset because of what "they" have done. I need to move into the next phase of my life, and I need to be able to think clearly to do it. I need a wall between me and these events -- a costly wall, I know, and I can't afford it, either.

As for last words...How about a letter of apology? Even maybe to the little girl with a present? (Send the present a day later, so they will know it is not an anthrax present.) It can be carefully phrased so that you don't take all the blame on yourself. (Maybe something like, "Divorce is a highly charged event, but it is never alright to react by anger at a small child, or trading barbs with others, so I apologize for..."). I know, I know, it sticks in your craw. It would stick in mine, too. But it might be a nice way to end this "phase." For YOU. Wind it up and close the door until something better knocks.

Hi Lordslady.....Im just wondering why he took the tape with him, and didnt leave it behind.

My WH and I have a similiar tape and he didnt take it with him when he left.

Just something to think about, maybe he still wants to have some good memories of the intimacy you two shared once.

A/C0810

I think they find it easier to blame others then see the error in their ways.
My husband still blames me for losing his job- Yeah Like I MADE him have an affair with an employee of his. I worked there (2nd job) yes, so did the OP. I quit the same day I found out, did not give a reason, however the GM was a friend of mine and knew my concerns. My H ran in to justify and sank his ship, as I HAD SAID NOTHING. H still does not believe that. Not my fault.

I have done things I am not proud of too. I have experienced the same gut renching desire to slam my car into every phone post I drive by. Inner strength and God will pull you out of this. I am here for you too. I am so sorry for your inner pain and torment. Hang in there

lordslady,

"Actually, I feel like I don't care to live (though as luck would have it, I still continue to breathe) and asking myself just what makes me think I'm a Christian when I act like that."

As Christians, we don't claim to be perfect, just forgiven, right? God forgives you. Take deep breaths. Know that even though everything feels really terrible right now, it will get better.

Take care of yourself. Listen to soothing music, have a cup of hot tea, take a warm bath, take a walk, call a close friend or family member, pray, read some Psalms. Please do not harm yourself.

When things calm down, you will probably get a chance to apologize for what you said to the little girl. Meanwhile, try to relax and regroup.

God bless,

Rose

dble post

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

How to get the anger to stop once it starts??

I thought a lot this afternoon about what I'd done and said. I went out, bought a small gift for the OW's daughter, and wrote a letter to OW and STBXH explaining that I feel I do have the right to be angry, but that how I showed it was wrong. I told them I would be dropping the assault charge because I sort of understand why she shoved me.

I also said that if STBXH wasn't willing to talk with me personally, that short of a life/death situation with his children, I would be running all communication through certified mail, as I would not continue to talk with OW because it keeps the painful wounds open.

I thinked him for looking at my car, and thanked them for giving back the tape.

I then called my daugher, who had my cell phone today, to see where she was. She was ot STBXH's apartment--decided to spend the night.

That hurt because it wasn't planned. I told her I needed my cell phone back before tomorrow night and asked if I could drop some stuff by the apartment. OW got on the phone. The answer "no". Told her I wanted to get a letter to them, that I was sorry about some of the things I'd said, and that I also wanted to drop off STBXH's baby album before I got angry again and did something stupid with his baby pictures.

I was informed not to bother, that a restraining order is in progress for both their residence and his shop, and that because of the restraining order, OW will also be discontinuing picking up my daughter from school on M/W/F starting this Friday, since she will also not be allowed on my property. And they've contacted an attorney, so I'm sure the legal bills will skyrocket now. Yay for my credit card.

Big bomb to drop on me. Transportation is a real issue. I pick up my daughter on T/TH and it requires a 2-hour lunch and a lot of fuel to do it. It will be worse once snow is flying because I work downtown, park in a garage, and she goes to an alternative school clear out in the northwest 'burbs.

I already don't get to work until close to 9:30am each morning because of the start time of her school and when I have to drop her off. Now, if I take a 2-hour lunch daily, not only will my gas probably go up by a third which I'm not sure my budget can handle, but I will be working until probably 7:30pm each night to make up my time off work. I'll get home at 8pm at the earliest.

This does not leave much time for me, once I clean up the house after she blows through it and fix myself something to eat, AND it doesn't leave me any quality time to be a mom.

So much for a life. And I have no one to blame for blowing it up but me.
---------------------------------------------

The end of the story, so far: I finally pleaded enough that it was agreed I could ring the doorbell, and someone would take the album from me in exchange for my cell phone.

I cried all the way there. I got out and managed to hand some girl I didn't know the album, the letter, and the baby's gift and apology note (which will no doubt be thrown away or burned, but I did try).

I was handed my cell phone which I proceeded to slam down on the pavement when I got to my car, breaking it into about a dozen pieces. I'm not nearly at my 2 years on my contract, so am now cellphoneless. Nice. Could I possibly be any more stupid?? Could I possibly hate myself any more than I do right now?? (The answer is probably yes, but I'd hate to see what it looked like.)

My head is absolutely pounding. My eyes are slits from crying. I look ugly. The silence is deafening here. I have this overwhelming urge to take all our family photos and cut STBXH's face out of them. I could burn all his teenage loveletters to me that I have in a folder still. Perhaps I should go price phones.

LL

I took some imitrex for my migraine and a xanax (which I rarely take anymore) to calm me down.

Then I went to my local Verizon store. The guy said "Can I help you."

"Oh, probably. I need a new phone. I know I'm nowhere near the end of my 2 years so I have to pay full price, but it doesn't matter. This one is broken."

He asks, "What's wrong with it?" as he tries to turn it on.

"I threw it down on the pavement and blew it into about a dozen pieces..." I reply, matter of factly.

He looks perplexed. We walk over to the desk so he can pull up my contract.

He says, "Do I dare ask why you threw it on the pavement?"

"Well...I was pi**ed at my husband's mistress."

I think the fact that my eyes are about half swollen shut helped. He says, "Would you be okay if we just put you back in another phone like the one you have for no charge?"

Of course I would. I tell him, I was fully expecting to buy a new one at full price.

He swapped out my phone, told me everyone is entitled to a really bad day and that he hoped I didn't have another one like this for a long time. He said, that's why he joined the gym.

Nice guy. Wouldn't have had to do that for me. I thanked him for understanding, added insurance to my phone so that if it breaks again, I only have to pay the deductible, and came home.

How often does that kind of thing happen?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL