I'm just happy to lick the crumbs up off the floor when someone throws them my way."

I can honestly say without a shred of doubt, I have grown. That statement was me a year ago. It's not me now. It it was, I'd still be crawling after my STBXH and hoping he'd call or say something nice. I don't care anymore. I'm happier if he doesn't. (So I actually feel a bit good about me, because I CAN see growth.)

However, let me see if I can explain this in a form that is understandable...

The self-esteem problems go way back. They are probably the reason I ended up (or at least stayed with) STBXH for the 4 years before we got married. We did have fun moments (mostly drunk moments though). They were not wonderful dating years. He repeatedly broke up with me if he needed his freedom to go to a party or whatever, he saw other women several times during out dating years, he stood me up if he felt like it. But I stayed, because I thought no one else would have me and I didn't want to be alone (and of course no matter how selfish he was, I did grow to love him very much).

So, why do I have the self-esteem problem?? You got me?! My parents loved me. My mother was (and still is) very overprotective and an extreme worrier. She can be very verbally abusive (which is where I most likely picked up my ability to be sharp-tongued and hurtful) and she said ugly things when she was angry at my dad or my sis and I. But it was never about how we looked. It was more the, "You are STUPID!" statement.

And while there are many things about me that bother me, I am VERY sure I am NOT stupid.

Okay, so first - Al-Anon. I know in my brain--need to go. But I saw it as more of a support group that uplifts me spirits. So far, in both groups I've attended, it's mainly 2-5 women who bring in a book, read pages from it, talk about their feelings about the pages that were read and how they relate to them and their alcoholic, talk about any Al-Anon business, and take up money.

And then as for the self-esteem, while my STBXH never did anything to build me up and probably did a lot to knock me down, he didn't personally poke fun at my looks. I agree, my face is not ugly. It does look 5 years older than it did last year at this time. DV is hard on a person.

But it's my body, which you guys can't see. Admit it or not, we live in a very looks-oriented society, and men are visual people. They are attracted to looks FIRST, personality second. And if I were a star, the tabloids would have a heyday with me and a supposed eating disorder (which I DON'T have!). I am so thin from the waist up that I truly do look anorexic. My backbones stick out. My ribs show. My arms are puny and thin. (From my waist down, I'm a normal slender but vastly out-of-shape woman.)

All through school I was made fun of for being so thin. I have heard every flat joke on the planet. I could put on 50lbs and they'd all stick below my waist. And all through my marriage, STBXH pointed out busty babes to me on TV, on the street, etc. It DOES matter to a man!

Okay, you all say, I should find happiness within myself and not care what others think. And I should believe God loves me.

I DO believe God loves me! The days where I've screwed up and sinned big time are some of the sickest days for me, because God feels so far away.

And I am becoming more content being alone. I have a very long list of things I want to do around home or things I want to learn how to do and slowly I'm working them into my schedule. I don't sit around at night and pine for a mate on a nightly basis. I don't cry myself to sleep.

But I AM human and I DO want to have a lover, partner, companion, husband again someday. And that's where the whole self-esteem thing comes in. I am afraid no one will have me with all my quirks, probably because I've never been proven differently.

The physical thing is the first hurdle to get past. But then, I am truly an airhead. I am very intelligent, but my mind shoots off 100 different directions all the time. (My guess is that my DD gets her ADHD from me, though I obviously coped well in school.)

I have a very quick temper paired with a sharp tongue.

Okay, and then I can't have an intelligent conversation about anything anymore. I don't keep up on the movies of today, the current plays coming to town, sports, history, or anything. It really doesn't interest me. I watch movies when I get around to it--they may be 3 years old by the time I rent them. I'd rather go out and take pictures of a lake or something than go to a movie. Sure, this is something I could work on. But the sad truth is that I just don't care to. It's not important to me.

I feel like I have so little to offer anyone. And with the ratio of single women over 35 being much higher than single men that same age, my odds are very low of finding a never-married, widowed, or divorced-due-to-wife's-infidelity Christian man who would have me and love me for who I am.

Okay, so the real issue is not my self-esteem, is it. It's my trust in God, that no matter what happens in my life (even if it doesn't include another partner), that it's for my good.

LL

LL, I worry about you, and worry that you may not see the really wonderful things about yourself.

God usually doesn't screw up when He makes a person, does he? I mean, I don't talk to God very much, but it seems to me that He does the perfection thing pretty much... perfectly. And when you look at your own self and you see imperfection, I think of Wayne Dyer's books and the way he talks about sin. Sin is separating yourself from God -- denying that God is right there, ready to be one with you anytime you're up for it.

So I wonder, by being unable to see the perfection in yourself exactly as you are, are you denying God?

So I wonder, by being unable to see the perfection in yourself exactly as you are, are you denying God?

Very good point.

I may not be allowing God to work in me to the fullest.

I'd love to be able to flip a switch and be a person who was totally confident and happy with myself. Just haven't figured out how.

LL

LL-

Why not start by going to alanon to find out?

D.

Dear LL,

it seems you can only see yourself through the eyes of others. Their opinions on how you look, on what you do, on what you think, seem to be so important that there is no "you" left without those opinions.

Please think more about what YOU like. Who cares if you are the only person on this planet who likes it? If it makes you feel good (and isn't harmful to anyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), do it. Don't wait for approval or applause.

I'd suggest you join some group, self help for ADHD maybe, or a hobby, whatever, to get you out of your "enclosure" and to find out that yes, others will like you. Some won't, and you won't like everyone you meet either, but some will.

If you stay at home you'll not risk any failure, of course. But you'll also stop growing. Please get out there a little to get more than just the (rather foggy and twisted) version of yourself that your H is providing you now.

If you stay at home you'll not risk any failure, of course.

BINGO! I am a perfectionist. Hate failure. It's a good thing (perfectionism, that is--not failure) when used properly, but bad when it's out of control.

-------------------------------------------------
Just J,

Your statement about God not screwing up when he makes someone really sunk in last night as I was making my bi-weekly drive home from returning my son to college. I get 2 hours late at night to think about lots of things as I do these drives home.

And it hit me (no telling if it will stay "stuck" though): God DID make me just like I am. For what reason, I don't know. But if I'm going to believe that God is working for my good, then somehow I have to get to the point where I believe that being who I am is part of that.

So...we'll see where that goes.

But thanks for the comment, Just J.

LL

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL,

First - I saw someone suggesting taking the battery out of your phone when you aren't using it. But there probably is an easier solution than that.

Most cell phones have a "lock" feature you can set up. This feature allows you to put a pin number in the phone, and using the phone requires the pin number to be entered first. Check your phone, and see if that feature isn't on there somewhere, and use it.

As far as the self-esteem thing....

You say you are starting to get very comfortable being by yourself, but then you go on to say that you are normal, want someone in your life, and that you feel you have very little to offer someone, and between that and the fact there are fewer available men than women in your age range means you'll probably have to be alone. You're looking for a way to settle for that.

No, no, no!!!

It's one of those strange things in life.... when you least NEED someone else in your life is when you are MOST attractive to someone else.... at least to any "someone else" you would want to be with!

And what I'm hearing from you now is that you are trying to convince yourself that you've reached that point - you are happy with the person you are, and the problem is that the person you are is someone most guys wouldn't want.

Can't you see - THAT's the problem. As long as you are convinced no one else would be interested in you the way you are, probably no one will be. It can be very exhausting to continually try to convince a person how beautiful and wonderful she is when she is completely convinced that isn't true. And most people figure you are the best judge of your own character. If you are telling everyone (non-verbally!) that you aren't worth bothering with, they are going to assume you know yourself best, believe you, and move on.

And I know it isn't easy to fix that self-image you have. That's why people are suggesting you get help. It isn't a matter of whether or not you have found ways to occupy your time being alone, or if you are doing things you enjoy. Oh, those things are important too... but right now, you are projecting a "hands-off, stay-away, I'm damaged goods" image that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And it can be a very vicious circle. You think "he left me, so I must not be worth being with," and that's the attitude people pick up on. So they back off. And you see that you can't interest anyone, and it re-enforces the opinion that your STBX must have been right. That's why people say you need to become happy with yourself before you look for someone else to share your life with. When you aren't truly happy with yourself, it gets a lot harder to attract someone else. And you have to REALLY believe it. When you say things like you feel you don't really have anything to offer someone else, it shows that you aren't happy with yourself, and you don't consider yourself worthy of being loved by someone else.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about on this. I definitely fall into the category of someone who does not appeal to a large part of the population. I am fat, plain and simple.

And while things with my X resulted in me having a somewhat low image of myself over the last few years, the me I used to be is quickly coming back to me. And I'm remembering how fun it is to flirt and talk with other guys and such. And how great it is to see that interest.

I even get kind of a perverse pleasure in seeing the struggle some guys have - the ones who are convinced they could never, ever be attracted to someone as fat as I am, and who find themselves trying to convince themselves they AREN'T attracted.... Oh sure, not all. Many truly aren't attracted, and that's ok. But some start really questioning themselves, which is kind of funny. And many out there have just accepted that they either have a preference for women of my build, or that it just doesn't matter.

But little by little it's all coming back to me. The happier I am with myself, and the less I worry that no one will ever be attracted to me, the more I notice guys that are... well, noticing (me, that is!)

At first I did the same thing you did. My X had some really horrible things to say about me. But, in the end, I was able to back up and realize that he was justifying it to himself. That the things he was saying weren't true. Not that I take no responsibility - I know he had needs I wasn't meeting. But I tried - I asked him A LOT to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, and he wouldn't. It's a little hard to meet needs when he wouldn't express what those needs were, I was just supposed to guess.

Eventually, I thought about all the things he'd done to hurt me, and got indignant. How dare he treat me this way? I don't deserve being treated this way - no one does!

And the more that self-confidence has come back, the more I notice how much easier it is for me to connect with other people again these days. I am starting to realize how withdrawn and introverted I had become while I was with him. And the way I acted - not really looking at people much, never really saying much, never smiling.... Why WOULD anyone have wanted to be around me?

I'm not saying that you are doing any of those things. But if you can sit there and talk about why men aren't going to be attracted to you, then that IS the message you are broadcasting to them - that you aren't worth the bother.

I know when I write it always ends up kind of long. Sorry about that. But I nope this makes sense to you, and I hope you will find some help somewhere on this.

Pep,

I totally missed your post on the last page until Penguin mentioned something about removing my cell phone battery and I had no recollection of reading anything like that... Sorry!

As for your comment about my daughter's threat:

Did you pack her bags right there and offer to call her a cab?

No, but I DID ask her if she wanted me to let STBXH and OW know she'd be moving in and asked when she was planning on going.

I actually felt bad about saying that at the time, because it came out very snide and angry. But maybe it was an okay comment to make after all.

In regards to my daughter, when she gets out of control, I'm really not sure how to respond or deal with her. Neither child was taught to respect me. I think the motto of our house was "Lets make fun of Mom and her silly rules!" and sadly enough, STBXH supported most of it, and then got really angry when they wouldn't respect him, and used that as one of his reasons for walking out on his family.

For the most part, my relationship with my daughter has improved since last spring. She is talking to me about her friends, asking my advice, calling more often if she's out and running late. She still doesn't like the word "NO" and she's still very allergic to work, but tiny progress has been made.

I just am not sure how to gain respect from a defiant, ADHD teen who has never been made to respect in the past. DD sees a therapist monthly, but even she hasn't made great gains in this area.

LL

Just keep contemplating the fact that God made you exactly perfect, exactly as you are, lordslady. I'm pretty sure there's something really important in that thought, something that might lead you into a lot of critical understandings about what this is all about.

Blessings on you, too, while you do it, and some of this is going to be a lot of fun for you, I think!

Lordslady
I was so touched by your posts. I too can say hurtful things in anger. My stbx has been repeatedly contacting me when I have repeatedly asked him not to. I finally became angry and left a not so nice voice mail. His attorney had it scribed and sent to my attorney asking that I stop harrassing HIM! The nerve! I let my attorney know the real truth...

I too suffer from low self esteem. I dont' know why. I am smart, not bad looking but have dealt with the issue of a really bad marriage by eating so I'm overweight. I would love for someone to say some part of my body was too thin...a dream I have before death.

My stbx is too an alcoholic. He's tried AA but can stop on the way home to buy a bottle. I finally could take no more when he appeared naked in front of daughter and date. The next day I told him either he could leave, I could get a restraining order or file a criminal charge. He left. A few weeks later I am served divorce papers which I think he only did to scare me..thrilled me instead...

I understand about Al-anon. I got nothing from it. It seemed hokey and a bunch of people whose obsession with the alcoholic was redirected to an obsession about the obsession with the alcoholic. I wanted to hear success stories instead I heard story after story about how the alcoholic affected this or that..how they had to accept that their lives were burdened with their sickness about the alcoholic... I wanted to hear how their lives were blessed, how new relationships were thriving, and how their children were better because of what they had endured.

I have had in my lifetime friends who were near and dear to me who weren't in line for beauty pageants. I've known people who were beyond gorgeous and their obsession to stay that way ruled their lives. And I've had friends who after years I couldn't really tell you one way or the other how to categorize them because when I looked at them I saw their heart.

I recently went back to work full time. At first I was ignored during our training class. I was among the oldest there and most of the people were in their 20's...you add overweight on top of that and one becomes invisible. Anyway, these people soon started paying attention to me. I can be funny-a dry sense of humor funny and I try my best to be kind just as Jesus showed us. Soon these people were kidding with me, walking over to specifically speak to me and it felt good. I was happy. I worked next to a girl who used filthy language that I've never heard a human use before, she came in late, lied, called in sick frequently, gossipped, you get the picture. Everyday we were waiting for her to be fired. Anyway, a man came to my desk and asked to speak to me. He said someone had complained that I had made remarks about my faith and politics. I had made comments about politics because duh there was a presidental election and everyone was talking about it. The only thing I said about my faith was that in the election God blessed us. I asked if it were she and they said no. I found out that it was and I said I couldn't work where I wasn't wanted. I left. The whole place was in an uproar over the ordeal. So here I am at the holidays with no job...

Why am I telling you this..because the boost I received from these people being so kind to me and liking me was deflated by the actions of this one person who I would never have any respect for and would not call my friend. You would never consider someone such as ow your friend but yet as I you let her get you down. I think it goes back to that low self esteem.

A friend of mine said once that she likes to think that God keeps her picture in his bill fold and is so proud that she's His that He shows off her picture to the angels. I liked that sentiment and have kept it with me. No matter what is said or done, no matter what mistakes we make, no matter how we are accused of being something we're not, the fact that God loves us more than we can imagine is more than enough to get us through. What can compare with His good favor..nothing can compare...nothing.

Give yourself a break lordslady. You're precious and you know it. God has His plans for you as He does me.