KMEJ,
I read your thread last night, and I had to wait until this morning to post.....I was just too emotionally involved. Unfortunately, I'm still pretty wound up, so forgive if this seems harsh...
YOU ARE BEING A VICTIM. YOU ARE CHOOSING THAT ROLE. Your H
shouldn't be contacting OW. Your H
shouldn't neglect you. Your H
shouldn't push, shove, or 'hug you too tightly'. Your H
shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't .....
But he does! So what are
YOU going to do about it?
I want to tell you something. You have 'hinted' at physical violence in his past. You hint at something, and then come back and say "but he's better now."
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My H does NOT hit me that often, nor does he go over the edge that much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he is truly better now, you would not have said the above. You would have said "My H has not hit me in over a year. He got counseling, and is sorry for ever hitting me."
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I am not scared of him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I beg to differ. Was it not you who posted yesterday about wanting people to delete quotes from you because you didn't want your H (or family) to read it?
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Like I said I am not afraid of him. PLEASE STOP QUOATING me - I need to be able to deleate </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take a look at what you are saying! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
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I do not want Family and friends or my Husband coming across my posts- it would hurt and anger them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are afraid of your H. Plain and simple. It does not matter which one you are afraid of....physically or emotionally....You should never have to be
afraid of your S.
MB
DOES NOT advocate M at all costs. And in particular, when there is abuse (of any sort) or addiction (of any sort) involved, the normal MB principles are not effective. KMEJ - this is NOT
just about the A.And as an aside - emotional abuse is
NOT any less abusive than physical abuse. In fact, in some ways it can be more harmful......
Some people kill themselves because of emotional abuse. I have been very scarred because of past abuse. I actually had a BF who held a gun to my head, and told me he would help me kill myself if I wanted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Only happened once, but tell you what - it will never happen again. I will see to that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I am having to rebuild myself and my life. And it is
hard. But it is a H*LL of a lot better than being degraded, told my feelings don't matter, and always walking on eggshells.
KMEJ - I want to know what you are getting out of choosing to be a 'victim' to your H's actions? Nowhere have I seen a plan from you. Nowhere have I seen where you have set a boundary, and have held it up. You have
said some positive things, but nowhere have
your actions shown that you follow through with them. Much like none of your H's actions have backed up his words.
You are in a dance. Round and round. He hurts you, derrogates you, takes away your voice. You come here and vent. You get some good advice, but you hold on to those posts that just tell you to 'keep waiting.' You say you will think about things....the violence (emotional or physical...it really doesn't matter), the inappropriateness of the sexual requests, the continued contact of the A, the absence of action to work on your M. Then he gets 'better' for a little while. You are OK for a minute....walking on eggshells, I'm sure, but OK. Then the next minute your world is falling apart again. You come on here, get some good advice....blah blah blah.
Do you see that you are being his puppet? You are letting him
control your feelings. You are letting him
control you. You will delete posts because you don't want people to see them. Your friends and family have left because they cannot take any more.
How much more of your life are you going to lose control over? GET CONTROL OF YOURSELF! And I am not just saying right now. I am saying OVERALL and FOREVER. Make a list of what you MUST have in the M. Make a plan for how to get it. And stick to it. Make
boundaries. And let your
actions show that you will enforce them. Your H may then
choose to change. Or he may not. But you will no longer be
choosing to be his
victim. You can't change him. You CAN'T change him. YOU can't change HIM. He has to change him. And it is up to him whether he wants to or not. Whether he is right or wrong, it is up to HIM whether he will change or not. The only way out of this situation is to change yourself right now. That may or may not prompt a change in him. But are you so dependent on him that you would be willing to live like this forever? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I hope not.
Start worrying about yourself. Start worrying about what kind of 'role model' your M is for your children. Start taking some responsibility for what YOU need in the M.
Again....think about what you are getting out of this? Comfort, security, knowing someone is 'there' for you? Are you getting care from others because he hurts you (again....emotionally or physically.... it doesn't matter)? Do you feel better about yourself knowing you treat him well, even though he does not do the same? Do you feel better knowing that you are doing everything
for him in spite of how he treats you?
There is a point where we sometimes become masochistic. Yup,
masochistic. Where we destroy ourselves in the 'altruistic' guise of helping someone else....or loving someone else....or caring for someone else. At what point are you going to stop sacrificing yourself for him? At what point are you going to stop being a martyr? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
What
really is your choice doing for you?
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it took a LOT for me to realize that I was
choosing my victim role. And I almost think that the more people sympathize and go about giving advice from a 'gentle' perspective, the harder it is to really look and see the true picture.
KMEJ - you shouldn't live in fear. You shouldn't live with emotional neglect. You shouldn't live in a miserable M. So what are you going to do about it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
