My FWH left in the beginning of August. He calls it a temporary separation. There are certainly positive aspects hinting toward reconciliation. He’s spent the night twice this week, actually sleeping in the same bed. He slapped my butt playfully last night. He put his head on my hip to watch the election results. We’re going to go to the Retrouville follow up sessions in a couple of weeks. We’ve had more conversations.

Sometimes I feel like I have no boundaries. Was H sleeping with OW was not a boundary for me because I’m still hoping to reconcile? What does that say about me? When FWH left because he doesn’t feel the way about me that a H should, and I’m still waiting around for him, what does that say about my boundaries?

I’m not saying that I’m going to ACT on anything right now, but I want to try and identify some boundaries for myself.

H and I are friends. However, what kind of a marriage can we have? After a year of H not initiating, 8 months of no kisses or love making, 7 months after the A ended, 4 months after our second child was born, and three months of a “temporary separation” that H doesn’t want anyone to know about, I have to wonder if I am a patsy willing to take whatever scraps I may or may not get.

I've been trying to give my H space and room to take care of himself, but this limbo is confusing and I don't know how long I can continue saying "one more month".

So here is a feeble first attempt at a boundary, I appreciate criticism and all advice.

I am willing to give up romance for parenting with my children’s father. However, if I am going to parent alone, I want the opportunity for romance.

Ask him the questions you have asked on here....

Ask him what the rules will be, is this all there is, or will there be more?

Use your southern fan and ask him, "Sir, what are your intentions with me?"

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

loy, boundaries are usually something you have power to enforce.

GC

I have the power to leave.
I have the power to stay.
I have the power to wait. Well, the power to wait is fleeting.

Are there any tinier things I can enforce? You know, small steps.

Last night I told H that he could come to counseling with me, but I am going for sure. I can enforce that.

Look, I know It's my responsibility to take care of myself and protect myself. So, why isn't it easier for me to say: I've reached my limit. We've been emotionally divorced now for almost a year and I would like an opportunity for love and romance in my life.

Are there any promises between us? Because, I want to move on with my life.

Found this posted somewhere else: Now, here on MB, a boundary is often spoken off in a manner that seems to indicate controlling (for example, "My WS can have no more affairs or I'm done!)--the format of the wording is wrong. Actually, the real boundary is "My WS is a fully mature adult who is responsible for and can make his/her own choices; however, I will no longer be involved in a relationship in which I am the third wheel."

Soooooo...in your instance, it would be controlling to tell your wife, "You can not speak to OM's male friends" because you are attempting to make her do something YOUR way or think what YOU think. She is allowed to think or feel what she decides to think or feel--even if it's irrational to you! It would NOT be controlling, and it would be a reasonable boundary, to tell your wife, "I will no longer be the third wheel in our relationship, so you are free to decide. I hope that you will turn to me and allow me to meet your needs--but if you turn to a third party that is a boundary I can not live with. At that point, I will be free to decide what I need to do."

Can ya see the difference??

*****

I will make myself hold on until after our Retrouville follow up sessions are complete. After that point and time I will know that I've done all that I can.

I want to give up now. I want to just let go of everything. I want to be free to pursue love, and I would prefer to try and find love with H. But I understand that he may not be available to love me.

I don't want to make threats. I want to be loving, and caring, without being a martyr.

What is the goal? The goal was to stay married to H and rebuild our marriage.

Perhaps we are rebuilding right now?

Still here, when I've asked my H what he wants, he says he wants his "little family" but I don't know why he is still living apart from us?

I guess saying "If you do this, I'm out of here" is kind of a boundary, but it's really more of an ultimatum.

What I would call boundaries:

I will not welcome you into our home with me if you conduct this affair in/from our home.

I will not answer your phone calls any more because you are disrespectful to me when you call.

I will not associate with you as long as your affair continues.

I'd say "I will divorce you immediately unless you end your affair" is different from those things.

And also your right.

I guess part of it is just perspective.

GC

My problem is that I am unhappy that after three months of a "temporary separation" my FWH is not yet home. I am not going to attack my H for his actions. Those are his choices and won't solve the problem.

Now, I need to review the situation and see if I am enabling the separation. UGG. Thinking...

Hey GC: I hear your from the twin towns as well. Enjoy the sunny day.

I have been thinking about this too. Its a funny thing, but since I have not pursued my husband, and I have established some independance, moved on with my life, he has started to treat me with respect.

I didn't put boundaries in place exactly, I didn't say to him , "you aren't welcome here if you speak to me in that way", but he seems to have slowly realised that he doesn't have the right anymore.

For example: yesterday he made a critical comment about my driving. I didn't respond.( But I was thinking, 'Gee, I don't know I ever managed to get myself around for the past year without any major accidents or getting hopelessly lost or lost my licence without him to tell me how to drive...')

Anyway, a few minutes later he apologised for being critical.

This has been going on for a few days now. He will say something disparaging , but a few minutes later he will say that he is sorry etc. He must have apologised twenty times in two days.

I think it is dawning on him that he forfeited the right to be rude the day he walked out.

When he wants something now, he asks me nicely.

When I do something nice for him he says thankyou.

He asks me for permission to come over, permission to make love, etc.

Last night he asked me about a conversation with a male friend. I wasn't very forthcoming, and he apologised for interfering in my business.

Anyway, my point is that he is not stupid. He knows very well that he has transgressed and that I have every right to divorce him, shut him out. I haven't, and he at first saw this as weakness/ need on my part. Now he sees that I am fine without him, and he is getting worried. He is forced to treat me as respectfully as he would a friend, for example.

He doesn't know quite where he stands with me now.

I think that adage that familiarity breeds contempt, is as true in marriage as elsewhere, and that when we have been apart for a time, they are forced to start over.

I think without realising it I did a 180, and it has changed that way he sees me.

Loy, all this is to remind you that standing takes strength and courage and conviction and character .

You are the strong one.

If he went off in search of happiness in someone elses bed, and abandoned you, it was his loss.

You are fine, Not only are you fine, but you kept it together under very difficult circumstances- and you turned it around by choosing to respond with patience and gentleness and forgiveness, which is alot harder than running away when you are rejected.


He may have been calling the shots, but how you responded says alot about the kind of woman you are. He is lucky to have you and one day soon he will know it.

Hold your head up.