My H asked for it, I wrote it and now need some feedback before I give it too him. Thanks

10 things I do not like:

1. That everything that happens is my fault
2. That you would rather spend time with anyone then me,
3. That you can hold a conversation with anyone but me, including females I wish you would no longer talk to (i.e. *****) behind my back.
4. That you show me little affection, and I NEED that.
5. That anyone I chose to hang out with is a loser or if I spend/want to spend time with other people, I am ruining the marriage, yet you can bowl and play cards, and have friends over and not include me, and you see nothing wrong with that. I rarely go anywhere, and when I do it is typically with the children.. I feel lonely and abandoned by you sometimes. I need to be me too sometime, not always a wife, mother and co-worker. I need time out for fun too.
6. I feel like I am the only one putting an effort into this relationship. I am constantly trying to get your approval and I get nothing back. I never feel like I am attractive to you or desired. I do not see love in your eyes when you look at me.
7. I feel like I do way more then my share of the work and it goes completely unnoticed and unappreciated.
8. You make me feel bad about my side of the family, and guilty for wanting keep some form of a relationship with them.
9. You have a short temper and hang up on me or yell at me easily (I HATE THAT)
10. I feel like Family time is not important to you (co-parenting, getting up with the children in the morning, picnics, bike rides, parks, playing catch, etc.)


Things I do like

1. You are very handsome
2. You have a great smile and dreamy eyes, and I like the smell of your hair, the sound of your laugh
3. You are brilliant with money and provide well for your family
4. You are smart
5. You have a wonderful gift of being able to be extremely romantic
6. You are very caring and always want to help others
7. You work hard, take pride in your work, and strive to succeed
8. You love your children and want the best for them and out of them
9. I like it when you snuggle with me at night.
10. I like it when you play games with me, and make me feel special and important to you. I like it when you call me just to say hi, or ask me how my day was, or give me a kiss, hug, or hold my hand for no other reason then you want to.
11. I like it when we spend time together as a family, and I can see you smile and laugh.
12. I like it when you come up with things for us to do together, and then have fun doing them.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Please feel free to be critical! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

KMEJ -

Don't have enough time to write, but just glancing through the list of things you don't like......

I would like to propose that instead of writing a list of things that you "don't like" in the M....that instead, you write a list of things you would like to IMPROVE in the M.

Also, take a good look at how many times you said "I don't like the way you..." or "I don't like it when you..." Try to take the focus off of you or him....

Try saying:

- I would like to increase the amount of time we spend together.
- I would like to improve the way we communicate and our level of intimacy.
- I would like for us to show each other a greater amount of affection.
- I would like for us to divide the house work evenly.
- I would like for neither of us to yell at each other when we fight.
- I would like to have a relationship with my family.

I have to go, but I hope you get the idea. It takes the negativity out of it, sets clear goals that you have to work toward together , and doesn't put all the responsibility solely on either one of you. But I think it says the same thing.....

Let me know what you think.

good idea. Go read my new news on my Lemonman post. Very sad day in KMEJ land

here are my changes:

1. That everything that happens is my fault
2. Improved time together, increased amounts, friends having less of a priority,
3. Improvement in our conversation skills, going to each other for help with things instead of others..
4. Improved showing of affection, as I need that.
5. More understanding of ones friends, that not everyone is a loser, being open to new ideas and people.
6. A better arrangement/agreement in housework, making it more of a shared responsibility.
7. Improvement in the relationship between extended families..
8. Being more patient with one another and not losing our tempers so easy and saying hurtful unnecessary things.
9. Increased family time and co-parenting, not two sets of rules.
10. Increased effort in getting the Marriage back on track. Communication, time spent together, making the other person a priority. Putting friends third to us and family. Counseling would not hurt.


Is that better?

Ten things is a lot to digest at one time, IMO.

My wife and I had a conversation like this a couple of weeks ago. We each listed five things that we liked about the other person. Then...we listed two things we want the other person to work on.

I thought that worked well for a coupel of reasons. First, we EMPHASIZED the positive - the things we liked - by talking about them first.

Second, we were able to keep pur requests for imrpvoement manageable. It's a lot easier to work on two things than to work on 10. Sometimes, change comes in spurts.

SHould I attatch this to a plan b like letter?

just me ^bumping^

My list improvement suggestions (take what you need and leave the rest):

Start with a preamble to this list describing something you most love about him or how much you appreciate something he recently did for you or your M.

Then introduce the list as he asked for.

1. I feel that you think everything bad that happens between us (to you?) is my fault.
2. I feel we would be happier if we improved our time together in quality and amount, with friends having much less of a priority.
3. I desire improvement in our conversation skills, going to each other for help with things instead of to others.
4. I need you to show me much more genuine affection, intimacy and respect.
5. I would like for us to be more understanding of each other's friends and that not everyone is a loser, that any one can have good new ideas.
6. I feel we need a more equitable arrangement/agreement in housework, making it more of a shared responsibility.
7. I need for us to improve the relationships between our extended families.
8. I feel we both need to be more patient with one another and not lose our tempers so easy and say hurtful things.
9. I feel we need to improve the quality and amount of our family time and co-parenting and we should not have conflicting rules.
10. I believe we need Marriage Counseling. We both need help in learning how to communicate and negotiate.

Close by thanking him for this opportunity to communicate and that you appreciate his interest in your feelings about these things.

BTW, I recommend Retrouvaille as a practical instruction to learn how to communicate feelings and negotiate differences.

Now, the above notwithstanding (whatever that means) you have a much bigger problem that the issues in this short list. Abuse, lack of NC, some really weird no so friends... That list is a lot longer than this one.

You need H to agree to NC with letter or you to go to a true no-nonsense Plan B. The above list is for recovery. You are nowhere there yet. That list will fall on deaf foggy ears.

Good luck,

T

PS: No, do it by the book. Don't attach these to a Plan B letter. That will dilute it's impact.

I am very impressed with your rewording of my list. I plan to pull it up again tomorrow and use it, thanks

Have you done this before??????

I asked my H if he has written his, he said yes, pulled it up on the computer and would not let me look at it. It is password protected too.

Then man is too smart.